Busting Myths About Teen Girl Anxiety

* The following article was copied by www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

If you’re concerned about the rise in teenage stress and anxiety levels, you’re not alone.

Teenagers themselves are concerned.

Whether or not they personally experience anxiety and depression, 7 in 10 teenagers view both as major problems among their peers. According to this same recent survey of 13- to 17-year-olds conducted by the Pew Research Forum, young people’s concern about their peers’ mental health cuts across diverse ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic lines.

In our work at the Fuller Youth Institute, I rarely go a day without hearing about, reading about, being asked about, or grieving over teenage anxiety and depression.

The crisis seems to be experienced more powerfully and prevalently by US girls. In Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, researcher, therapist, and parent Lisa Damour highlights the intensity of the crisis for adolescent girls:

• Between 2005 and 2014, the percentage of teenage girls experiencing depression increased from 13 to 17 percent. During the same time period, that statistic moved from 5% to 6% for boys.

• A larger portion of 13- to 17-year-old girls report feeling tense or nervous every day or “almost” every day (36% for girls vs. 23% for boys).

• Overall almost one-third of girls and women (31%) experience symptoms of anxiety, compared to 13% of boys and young men.

I am a woman, Dave and I are raising two girls, and I care deeply about—and work proactively to—help females of all ages reach their God-given potential. So I devoured Under Pressure in one recent long plane flight.

Based largely on the research sprinkled throughout Under Pressure as well as my growing understanding of the information and experiences underlying adolescent mental health challenges, I think it’s important to bust four major myths. As parents, leaders, and mentors, these myths hinder us from empathizing with, and bringing support and freedom to, the girls we are raising, mentoring, and serving.

Myth #1: Stress and anxiety are bad.

Without stress and anxiety, you and I likely wouldn’t be alive today. Neither would the girls we care about. Stress and anxiety are triggered by what we perceive to be dangerous situations (e.g., a car is coming right at me) that activate our “fight-or-flight” response. Our adrenaline and heart rate increase and oxygen rushes to our muscles as we prepare to either face the potential danger or run away. Anxiety is an essential alarm system, but it can run us ragged when it spins out of control.

Girls’ struggles increase when they disregard the warning signs their brains and bodies are giving them, and are conditioned either covertly or overtly to feel anxious about their anxiety, and stressed about their stress. In fact, while Damour used to work with clients to try to keep anxiety from being their “first response,” she now often doesn’t try to fight that battle. Instead, she works with them on more generative and helpful “second responses.” In other words, even if a girl initially experiences physical or emotional symptoms of anxiety, helping her figure out what to do next may be more healthy and productive than trying to get her to “stop” that initial anxious response.

Myth #2: Stress and anxiety are basically the same.

Both are psychologically uncomfortable, but “stress” is typically a feeling of emotional tension or mental strain while “anxiety” is the fear, dread, or panic that often follows the stress. We can better aid our girls when we help them identify their initial causes of stress, and distinguish those from their subsequent anxiety. That way they can pinpoint what first causes unease and separate that cause from their body and mind’s strong reaction.

Myth #3: Stress is mostly a result of major tragedy and trauma.

The reality is that any change can create stress—even “positive” change. That’s why psychologists often sort stress into three distinct domains, the first of which is life events. Tragedy and major trauma fall into this domain, but so do other “good” life events, like getting a coveted role in a play, joining a sports team, or attending a new school.

The second domain is called daily hassles. For our teenage girls (and really, for all of us), these add up. In fact, one study examining the effect of major negative life events (such as the death of a loved one) found that it was actually the amount of daily hassles that resulted from the major life event that correlated with the degree of emotional upheaval, not the major loss itself.

The third domain, chronic stress, often results when basic life circumstances are consistently difficult. Living in a dangerous community, caring for a sick family member, or relentless achievement pressure are common forms of chronic stress faced by teenage girls.

Too often, those of us who are trying to support girls have an internal radar that is most closely attuned to only one type of stressor: life events. And even then, we are usually more focused on “negative” life events than “positive” life events, and we disregard the cumulative effect of daily hassles and chronic stress altogether. This lack of attention ultimately hurts our girls.

Myth #4: Girls’ anxiety comes from the same source as boys’.

When it comes to the pressures teens face, academics tops the list: 61% of teens say they feel significant pressure to get good grades. While boys typically view school with more confidence, girls view grades as a telling measure of what they can achieve and thus take grades more personally, often making them more anxious about school.

The second greatest source of stress, which is “the pressure to look good” and is reported by 29% of teenagers overall, is more likely to be felt by teenage girls than boys (35% for girls compared with 23% of boys). 

The third greatest source of stress, which is fitting in socially, is experienced by 28% of teenagers overall. Social media exacerbates that peer pressure to fit in; one recent study revealed that teenagers who view social media images of peers seeming “happy and pretty” experience lower self-esteem. Given their greater social media usage, girls, more than boys, are more prone to suffering from these online social comparisons.

When we understand the misconceptions about stress and anxiety, we are more effectively equipped to raise, mentor, and serve healthy and confident young women.

5 Ways To Help Teens Deal With Life When They Feel Stuck

5 Ways To Help Teens Deal With Life When They Feel Stuck

** This article was coped from theparentcue.org.

We’ve all been there. We all have encountered struggles that felt bigger than us. And we all develop our own ways of managing emotional pain, shame, and regret. When faced with difficult circumstances, it is very normal to look for ways to cope.

Over the years, parents have verbalized their uncertainty with how best to assist their teen with effectively managing the ups and downs of life. There’s no simple response. Quite frankly, as a therapist who frequently works with adolescents, I get it. Being a teen today is tough. Teens face increasing expectations: managing multiple schedules, demanding academic loads, and competitive extracurricular activities. And above all, discovering who they are and how they fit in with their peer group and the larger world. All of which can and do cause internal pressure.

Some teens are able to successfully navigate these waters. Others may fail or buckle under the pressure. It is a normal human experience to want to escape reality.

It’s actually a great idea to take a break, decompress for a few hours in order to allow your brain to reboot and refocus. Attending a concert with friends, listening to music, going for a hike, laughing at a hilarious comedy are examples of healthy ways to take your mind off a stressful day. However, what happens when distraction morphs into something that is not so healthy? And perhaps even destructive?

Harmless distraction can often lead to prolonged engagement in activities such as video gaming, internet shopping, hours on Instagram or Snapchat, and let’s not forget the widely popular Netflix binging sessions—which wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t coincide with finals week. And then there are the extreme situations when a teen begins experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex to numb complicated feelings.

When any of these behaviors become a way to DISTRACT, NUMB or AVOID facing hard circumstances or allowing people to see our real selves, it can lead to feeling stuck and disconnected, causing one to spiral into more destructive behavior.

What is the remedy for stuck-ness and disconnection? Engagement. As a therapist, I love introducing my teenage clients to creative strategies to address problems that appear insurmountable. Yes, that sometimes means embracing a new challenge or even doing something they dislike— like confronting the real issues. The more we can teach our children to deal with (and not run away from) life’s challenges, the better they can realize their own unique capabilities which fosters resilience and a sense of autonomy.

Parents’ task in helping avoidant teens is complicated by the contradictory impulses of teens. They want us around, and at the same time, want us to go far away. However, the research is clear: Parents are powerful pillars of influence in their teens’ lives!

Below are five ways that can help you recognize when your teen may be feeling stuck and ways you can help them pull the plug and get un-stuck.

1. WATCH FOR WARNING SIGNS

Some “stuck”teens will display difficulty concentrating and low motivation. They may be irritable, negative, easily frustrated or prone to outbursts. Some overachieving “stuck” teens may be highly sensitive to criticism and begin to withdraw from family and friends. Since some of these signs are a part of normal adolescent development, it is important to note what appears to be a change from your teen’s typical pattern of behavior.

2. INITIATE THE CONVERSATION

Demonstrate casual interest by asking questions and reflecting back on what you’ve heard. Teens can tell the difference between questions that show interest and ones that simply appear nosy. Be present but not intrusive. One conversation starter may be: “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. I know that you want to do well (in school/sports/making friends) so I am sure that you might feel some pressure sometimes. You are not alone. I’m open if you ever want to talk about it.” Your teen may not open up initially. The key is making yourself available for when they’re ready.

3. BE OPEN

Sharing your struggles with distraction, numbing, and avoidance may help your teen better cope with their own experience. For many parents, the thought of disclosing their own teenage antics is a nightmarish proposition. However, research suggests that parents who have an open, warm, and nurturing relationship with their children can help them to buffer stresses that can otherwise be destructive. Your teen may not show deep interest or ask many questions. Don’t worry, they are listening.

4. STAY TUNED IN

As a therapist, I can’t emphasize how important it is to plug into your teen. What does that mean? Get to know their musical taste, favorite artists, even purchases. Know the names of their friends and even their enemies. Regarding social media, I am an advocate of intermittent parental monitoring. This one is tricky; teens also need some degree of privacy. But it is a parent’s responsibility to know what is going on. The content you discover may clue you into ways to better connect with your child. Or, alert you to signs of stress. As parents, we must plug into this important aspect of teen social life. Don’t tell my teens I said that.

5. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

Part of our job as parents is to help our children find resources to be successful. That can include a school counselor, therapist, or trusted church leader. Remember that there are many avoidant behaviors that are simply a part of adolescence. It is helpful to consult with a professional who can assess the severity and offer assistance. One technique that I like to teach is mindfulness. Mindfulness is ideal for decreasing distressful thoughts. The ability to disrupt a cycle of negative thinking is crucial for optimal mental health and can help teens to “plug-in” in order to get “un-stuck.”

Whether or not they tell you or show you, your teen values your engagement. What are some ways that you can plug into your teen this week?

How to Explain Divorce to a Child

** This article was copied from allprodad.com

Everything seems so perfect the day of a wedding. There is dancing, celebration, and the dream of a wonderful life together. Everyone expects their marriage to last forever. Having a relationship that lasts is hard and takes work. People get hurt, problems fester or perhaps someone wanders into the arms of another. No one expects that divorce will find their marriage—their home. However, we have all seen the statistics. It is brutally painful to see a marriage end, let alone experience one. The situation is intensified when you add divorce and children.

Children experience the most pain in a divorce. They have no control over anything and have little understanding of the why it is happening. It’s confusing, complicated, and difficult to explain. The intent here is not to debate whether or not divorce is ever appropriate, but how to explain divorce to a child.

Be Together

This discussion needs to happen all together. Make sure everyone is present. Anytime parents are not unified, it creates anxiety in children. Think back to when you were a child and how you felt anytime your parents got into a fight. Obviously, a divorce brings that anxiety to its highest state because their worst fears are playing out. Being on the same page and showing respect to one another as you explain what is happening will be helpful. Be sure to coordinate what should be said and not said. It may even be good to write down talking points. Both parents should talk, not just one.

No Villains

This is a time when you need to put your hurt feelings aside, regardless of who cheated or who did what to who. You can deal with all of that one-on-one. The focus needs to be on the children and what you can communicate to stabilize the situation. Any negative statement or attitude about your ex-spouse (or soon-to-be) throws the children in the middle — exactly where you need to keep them from being. Your ex-spouse may be a villain to you, but they are a loved one to your kids.

Reassurance

Their world is being jarred so they will need a lot of reassurance. In many ways, it is like a death in the family. A strong fear of how life is going to change will hit them. Assure them of your love for them and how that will never change. They may blame themselves or a sibling. Make sure it is clear to them that none of this is their fault. Also, reassure the areas of their life that will not change (possibly living in the same place, same school, etc.). The most important thing they need to know is that they still have two parents that love them and will take care of them.

Details

The younger they are the fewer details they will need. However, you want to be prepared with a game plan of what details you want to communicate and what can wait until later. You don’t need to be detailed in the causes of your divorce. Keep it simple with some general concepts understanding that younger kids are going to be more black and white. Tweens will probably ask the most questions while teenagers are more aware and will probably have seen it coming. Regardless of the age, it is still painful and hard to understand. You don’t need to cover it all with one talk.

There will be unavoidable, ongoing pain from a divorce. It’s a difficult reality. Being unified as much as you can goes a long way in providing some sense of stability. Make every effort to achieve it for the sake of the children.

Self-Esteem is Ruining Your Kids

** The following article was copied from www.samluce.com.

As a child of the 70’s I grew up 80’s where baby boomers were loving life, loving love and loving themselves. This translated to every area of life including their parenting. The seeds of self-esteem were laid by my parent’s generation and have taken full root in my generation. It’s this idea that kids need to have a positive outlook in life, they need to love themselves. While in limited ways this can be true the pervasiveness of this idea is killing the collective conscience of our country and is ruining our kids.

My parents were not primary concerned with my self-esteem for that I am thankful. I remember my mom saying something to me when I was younger that always stuck with me. She said that her and my father were not concerned with how our peers felt about us they would always watch how adults interacted with us and would listen for the assessments adults had of us. Why? Because my parents were more concerned with our self-awareness than our self-esteem.

How kids interact with adults is a great (not perfect) indicator of how self-aware your kids are. So many parents today are concerned with their kids having friends, their kids having the right kids of friends, their kids not getting their feelings hurt by their friends because they want their kids to have good self-esteem because they love their kids. They are doing their kids a disservice. Parents today take their child side over the word of another adult because they don’t want to crush their kids. In doing this they are eroding the very things that will make kids successful in life. I am all for good self-esteem and smarts in school but what makes you successful in life is self-awareness. And here is the truth that parents so often totally miss that when you raise a kid who is self-aware you get self-esteem thrown in, but if you try to raise a kid with your primary goal being good self-esteem you get neither.

Kids who focus on self-esteem run from the cross those who are self-aware run to it.

3 Reasons why self-awareness should matter to you as a parent.

1. Self-awareness produces confidence in your kids and confidence produces self-esteem.

2. Self-awareness makes your kids other focused because you are confident and understand their strengths and limitations it allows them to flourish and not have to pretend, lie, cheat or steal to be something they wish they were and not who they really are.

3. Self-awareness allows your kids to see themselves as the desperate sinners they are. When you are aware of who you are in Christ you have a desperate confidence. You understand that you are a desperate sinner but have a confidence in a sinless savior. The cross is not a boost to your self esteem it doesn’t feel good to talk about the cross. Kids whose awareness is understood in light of their shortcomings and Christ’s sufficiency, glory in the Cross.  Kids who have learned to nurture their self-esteem run from the cross those who are self-aware run to it.

Why our children are less patient, more lonely and more entitled than generations before?

** The following article was copied from www.yourmodernfamily.com.

Study after study proves what we have guessed…

It’s the scary truth that our children face.   It’s more real than ever, this downhill slope that our kids are facing.  As a teacher and play therapist, I’ve had the opportunity to work with many children over the years, as well as many parents. . In that time, I’ve watched children’s social and emotional skills get worse, along with their academic behavior.  Children today aren’t prepared for life the way that they used to be. Now they are expecting more but doing less. They are coming to school but struggling to learn and stay focused. They are wanting to do more, but have less focus.

 Lonelier, Entitled, Less Patient … why?

There is a reason:  Our current lifestyle choices have impacted our children. All of the latest technologies, the modern trends, the most recent advancements. While we all want what’s best for our children, it has sadly led them down a path that has left them less-prepared for their own lives.

1. The SCREEN TIME dilemma:

Too much screen time. Giving our children electronic devices can easily backfire. Technology & screen time take time away from reading and playing. It decreases attention span, sets up the need for immediate gratification, and leaves children open to challenges in school and at home.

They lose the ability to focus on things and listen attentively because they have become accustomed to watching things in a fast-paced, fun, always-exciting way.  Children have a hard time coming back to reality, after being in virtual reality.

Take this story from PsychologyToday.com about a little boy on his video game, during a family gathering:

After being on his handheld electronic game for an hour, “A perfect storm is brewing. His brain and psyche become overstimulated and excited — on fire! His nervous system shifts into high gear and settles there while he attempts to master different situations, strategizing, surviving, and defending his turf. His heart rate increases and his blood pressure rises — he’s ready to do battle.  The screen virtually locks his eyes into position and sends signal after signal: “It’s bright daylight out, nowhere near time for bed!” – he’s ready to fight or escape!”  

The story goes on to say that his little sister came over and put her hand on the game. He hadn’t noticed her walking towards him because he was so involved in the game. Due to his elevated feelings, he screams at her and runs to his room. His mother follows him and tells him to get off of the electronics and get ready for bed, which makes him feel frustrated, as well as physically and emotionally angry.   He was ripped out of his “fun” virtual world and put into a “boring” real world.   Kids just can’t adjust so quickly.

2. The “Don’t be bored” dilemma

We are all so busy these days and to help our children stay busy and not be bored, we end up giving them a tablet, a phone, an iPod.  The problem?   We are doing our kids a disservice.  We are taking away their ability to entertain themselves, to come up with a solution, to be creative.

In turn,  we end up spending less quality time with our kids (sitting on the sofa while you are both focused on individual sources of technology is not quality time).   We are not connecting with our children.  Our children are relying on electronics to keep them from being bored and they are forgetting how to keep themselves entertained, or to just let their minds be still to daydream.

3. The “LET ME MAKE YOU HAPPY” dilemma

“Families [overly] centered on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children. We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives for our kids. Most of us have created child-centered families, where our children hold priority over our time, energy and attention.” ~Code, Wall Street Journal

We, as parents, have the best intentions when we make these decisions, to do whatever we can for our children: giving in to what they want so often. We want our children to be happy, we want them to feel loved, we want to see them smile. Unfortunately, by doing everything for our children and giving them everything that they want… we are creating people who will not be happy in the long run.

As a therapist, I often hear parents say things like “She doesn’t like vegetables, so I don’t even try to give them to her anymore” or “If he went to bed when I wanted him to, he would be up too early” or “She doesn’t like to hold my hand in the parking lot.”

The problem?   Kids are kids- they aren’t old enough, mature enough, or knowledgeable enough to make these kinds of decisions for themselves. We need to make them and enforce them because we know the consequences. Without vegetables, our children will not be healthy. Without enough sleep, they will be grumpy, tired and unable to focus in school. Without holding your hand in the parking lot, our young children could run off and be hit by a car.  These are real consequences of our “Let the children decide” dilemma.

4. The “Let me rescue you” dilemma

“Children and young adults are pretty resilient and resourceful when we let them be. Unfortunately, most of the time, parents are afraid to loosen the reins and let them be. It’s time for that to change.” – Jennifer Harstein.

• Our children need to learn that they can save their allowance to replace the cell phone they lost.

• Our children need to figure out how to talk to the teacher about the forgotten homework.

• Our children need to learn that if they aren’t helping with the laundry (or putting it where it needs to go), they will not have their favorite outfit on the day they want to wear it.

It’s not easy to watch our kids fail. It’s not easy to watch them be sad, frustrated or upset. We want what’s best for our children, and we do everything with the best intentions, but it teaches them the wrong lessons.    Yes, show them that you are kind and helpful, but also let them experience things and let them fail.

It is easier to let them fail with these little things now (like forgetting homework and losing recess time at school) instead of failing when they are adults (like forgetting a mortgage payment and losing their house.)

5. The lack of real face-to-face INTERACTION dilemma.

“We know from lots and lots of research that spending time with other people in person is one of the best predictors of psychological well-being and one of the best protections against having mental health issues.” – Audie Cornish

Time on social media “may elicit feelings of envy and the distorted belief that others lead happier and more successful lives,” a study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine says.    Today’s teens and children are just not spending as much time with their friends in person.  They aren’t going for a walk outside or meeting up at a friends house. They aren’t playing games together.  In turn, they aren’t learning to read each others’ emotions or give support.

These social skills are so valuable, in fact, that study after study proves they are the key to a prosperous future. Excellent social skills, combined with intelligence, are now considered to be the key to having a high-paying job. “Leadership requires you to be socially adept. In fact, your social skills may be just as important as your intelligence when it comes to achieving success, according to new research published in in the Review of Economics and Statistics.

6. The “REWARD” dilemma

My brother, sister-in-law and I were talking about this one day. My brother, Tim, has his Ph.D. in education and my sister in law, Jill, has been a middle school teacher for many years. I am a play therapist & elementary school teacher, so our conversations often turn to children and education.

In trying to understand the “why” behind children’s behaviors, children’s lack of attention and children’s increasing behavior problems in school, we figured out one thing: Children want rewards, all of the time. I am ALL FOR REWARDING children, but not constantly. Not only does it lose it’s ‘shine,’ but it sets our children up to look for external rewards instead of internal rewards.

“What will you give me if I get all A’s?”
“What do we get to do if we sit quietly in the assembly?”
“What do I get for cleaning the garage?”

The only problem is that while it’s better (for us) to have our children do these things without complaining, their boss/landlord/spouse isn’t going to be so accommodating.  They won’t get a bonus or time-off because they did their work on time. They won’t get a month off of their mortgage payment because they paid it on time. Yes, it’s hard to teach them these lessons, but I’d prefer that they learn from me that life isn’t ALWAYS fun, but it is what you make it.   

Yes, children are lonelier, more entitled and less patient than generations before them… but we can help them.  There is a solution.

When our son was an infant, and his muscles were extremely tight (they had been trained to be tight due to lack of space & fluid in utero), our neurologist gave me the best piece of advice I’d ever heard: “You can retrain his muscles.” He told me that I could train his brain to help his muscles. It was going to be a long road, but in the end, it worked. This situation is not much different.

We train our kids to use the bathroom; we train our kids to brush their teeth in the mornings, we train our kids to sit patiently through a church service. These are learned skills, not skills that they are born with, but skills that we have taught them through repetition and consistency.

1. Ten Minutes a Day.
Reconnect with your kids.  Have one-on-one time with each child for ten minutes a day.  NO electronics, NO iPads or tables, NO television.  Let your child be your guide (They pick the activity).   This time alone is going to eliminate any guilt that you feel (because we all feel guilt) and it is going to allow you to connect you with your child.
Get back to what we did before phones (back to what our parents did when we were young), spending time playing games with our kids.

2. Let Them Be Bored.
What if instead of trying to keep our kids busy and keep them from feeling bored, we just LET them be bored. What if we said, “Oh- you’re so lucky to be bored.”
Don’t offer an electronic device to keep them busy, don’t offer to take them somewhere. Just let them be bored.
-Watch your child’s mind becomes quiet and watch his interests take over.
-Watch as it leads him to create his own fun.
-Watch as his need or instant gratification fades away.
Boredom is the path to learning about one’s self.  

3. Swap out external rewards for intrinsic rewards.
I used to race the clock when cleaning my room:  creating my own fun.
I used to pretend to be the teacher when doing my homework: creating my own fun.
Teach your kids to do this.  Let them think of ways to turn dull tasks into fun tasks and let them reap the reward of knowing that they did a great job because this is the kind of “reward” that will motivate them throughout life.

4. Talk.
Spend dinnertime talking, spend car time talking, drop everything that you are doing when your kids get home from school to TALK to them for a few minutes (learn what is going on in their lives… academic, social, emotional).  Make dinner without having the TV on, the phone close by, or the tablet tuned into something.

5. Give Responsibilities. 
Chores are about so much more than just cleaning.  Responsibilities increase their self-worth.  It teaches them how to work.  It teaches them to take care of things.  It teaches them how to be part of something bigger than themselves.
“To develop a high self-esteem a person needs a purpose. A key component to high self-esteem relies on how you view yourself regarding contribution. In other words, in the child development process, chores are a big role in a kid’s self-esteem.” ~Impact Parenting.com

6. Set Boundaries. 
Have a set bedtime.
Have set snacking rules (no snacks before dinner, or only one piece of junk food a day.)
Have a set reading time (You could have ‘D.E.A.R. time’ before bed –> Drop Everything And Read.)

7. Set Electronic Boundaries. 
We have a simple rule: No electronics throughout the school week UNLESS it is a show that we are all watching together on the TV.   This means No laptop usage (unless it’s school-related), no tables, no iPods, no phones, no videos.   If we finish getting ready for school quickly in the morning, we might watch a show together. If My husband and I are watching Jeopardy or Planet Earth, they are welcome to join in.     (Most kids have a LOT of tech time at school – they don’t need it at home.) 

        They are permitted to use them: on Saturday morning, on Sunday morning (if they are ready for church and have time before we leave), on long car-trips (vacation, etc…).

       Exceptions: Doctor’s offices,  all day sporting events, Car-line (school pickup can sometimes be 45 minutes.  Our youngest child sits with me while we wait to pick up her siblings.  She is allowed to have her Leap Pad in the car line to watch learning videos or play an educational game.)

8. Have Open Communication: 
Let them know that you are there for them.  “If you are ever feeling sad or left out about something and it becomes too big for you to handle easily, come to me.”    I remind our kids that I am always here for them, to talk through problems, just listen, pray for them, give them advice… or not.  “I’m here… for you… all the time.“  Remind them often.

9. Put down YOUR phone. 
Make a rule with yourself that you will limit YOUR online distractions when your kids are home. Set a time that you can put electronics away (for our family – it’s 3:30, when they get home from school until 8:00, when they go to bed).
Kids need to feel that connection with their parents.   My friend once told me that she overheard a child saying that her “mom’s phone was more important” than her. She was six years old at the time.   When asked why she felt this way, the little girl said it was because her mom liked to look at the phone more than her – even when the little girl was talking.  Kids notice everything. 

10. Teach by Example. 
If you want your child to change, you must first make a change.   Show your children where your priorities lie.  Family, your spouse, etc… act the way that you want your child to act and they will quickly follow your lead.  Let your child see you reading a book, washing dishes, making dinner, having conversations where you sit and look the person in the eye. Demonstrate kindness, consistency, hard-work.

Being a parent is the hardest, most important job we could ever have.   We only have 18 years to instill the qualities to last them a lifetime.    I’ve seen so many families turn their lives around and reboot their families.  I’ve seen so many children reengaged with the things that matter just by incorporating these things.  It matters and you are the key.

5 Simple Ways to Help Teens Cope with Anxiety

** The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Spring can be a tough time in the world of a teenager. Yes, the flowers are blooming, the trees are getting greener and the air is filled with the sweet scent of spring flowers. But many high schoolers are experiencing the stress of finals, sitting for AP exams, taking or re-taking the SAT or ACT, navigating the college application process, and of course, preparing for prom. And if those tasks aren’t already anxiety provoking, let’s not underestimate the power of peer approval. School has become somewhat of a social minefield for teens, and acceptance from their peers is imperative.

And those are just a fraction of the stuff that concern teens this time of year.

Rising academic standards, increased competition for colleges, extracurricular activities, and bourgeoning romantic interests are all aspects of being a teen that can lead to feelings of failure and rejection… which can then open the doorway for anxiety.

Anxiety is a normal and unavoidable part of life, especially when experiencing something new or transitioning to a new stage in life. For teens, anxiety can show up in a number of ways: shortness of breath, picking of skin, feeling overwhelmed, or feelings of sudden panic are just a few. Anxiety can even show up in one’s thinking patterns such as in “what-if” thoughts about being judged or criticized, and persistent worries about the future.

The way you acknowledge and respond to a teen showing signs of anxiety is critical in helping them to foster a sense of competence. What can parents do to help teens manage high anxiety periods? Here are five simple strategies to consider:

1. SPENDING QUALITY TIME.

Adolescence is often characterized as a stage of waning parental influence as children begin to slowly distance themselves from the values of their parents. While there is truth to that theory, it does not tell the full story. Years of experience in education and mental health has taught me that while parent-teen relationships are not always peaceful, they can be pivotal. Teenagers need their parents and other loving adults to guide them as they develop and mature. There are studies that even suggest that teenagers need more quality time from parents than toddlers! Open communication and support can buffer some of the turbulence of adolescence. Making yourself available physically and emotionally—even when you feel pushed away—during stressful periods outweighs any previous conflicts. Impromptu conversations during family meals and while driving to the soccer field really matter. Over time, both parents and teens will balance the need for independence and closeness.

2. ENCOURAGING A TECH BREAK.

Due to the pervasiveness of technology in our society, teens—and adults—find it difficult to unplug. A student recently shared her experience with a one week “Social Media Detox” challenge posed by her English teacher. While the thought of giving up Instagram and Snapchat was initially terrifying, she observed how immensely freeing it eventually became. Most teens are connected to technology each day and more so for social reasons rather than academic ones. The challenge for parents is that it is nearly impossible to limit access to most forms of technology, and you may not even desire to. However, guidance and supervision is still important, even in the teen years. Focus on moderation rather than prevention. Participating in a self-imposed break can help to reduce the feelings of pressure in an already overwhelmed teen. For those reluctant to detox completely, offer up a compromise of deleting saved bookmarks from their internet browser, or turning off email notifications on their smart phones . . . at least for a weekend.

3. SHARING YOUR EXPERIENCES.

Adolescence is a time for identity formation. With the increasing pressures of academic achievement and fixations around appearance, it is no wonder that teen anxiety is on the rise. Despite mounting pressures, one comforting fact is that teens respond favorably to, and learn from anyone to whom they feel a personal connection. One parenting tip that I frequently offer is to reflect about a time when you faced a similar challenge as your teen is facing or experienced debilitating anxiety. Aim for a 10-15-minute conversation with your teen while in the car or when taking the dog for a walk. Before doing so, ask yourself the following: What did you wish your parents had done to help you? What would you have wanted to hear? What did they do that you valued and respected? Respond to your teen with empathy and share how you successfully managed the issue. Or, how maybe you weren’t so successful initially.Then allow your teen to explore his or her own thoughts and feelings related to what you’ve shared.

4. OFFERING PERSPECTIVES.

Journeying from childhood to adulthood is difficult. In just a few short years, teens go through a significant number of physical and emotional changes. Also, decisions such as where to apply to college or who to ask out for prom may seem exciting to onlookers but may trigger feelings of dread for a teenager. The reality of independence can be terrifying. Teens often feel the pressure to be all things to all people. Remind your teen that who they are is much more important than their SAT score or who they date. Encourage your teen to view their worries about their future as a normal and natural part of growing up. Parents can take concrete steps to help their teen better understand their unique experiences through journaling, reading short stories, and watching films that celebrate the adolescent journey. Yes, some choices about the future need to be made now, but it is okay to not know everything and to continue to explore. Offering perspective and repeatedly reminding your teen that they are fully accepted just for who they are, goes a long way towards enhancing self-esteem and decreasing anxiety.

5. GETTING PHYSICAL.

Teens need both challenge and involvement. The teens that I work with often describe anxiety as “. . . wanting to jump out of my skin.” Anxiety can be both mentally and physically draining. Teens are often short on energy because of too little physical activity. Balancing the pressure of a rigorous academic load with aerobic activity can alleviate stress and anxiety which can be stored in the body. Even if your teen isn’t particularly athletic, help him or her to find ways to slow down, have more fun, and seek a more balanced lifestyle. Bowling, skating, or simply reading a good book are great ways to decompress. Engaging in fun and relaxing activities such as art, dance, and music can elicit positive emotions and social bonding.

The emotional, mental, and physiological symptoms of anxiety can be very frightening and confusing for teens. The good news? Anxiety is very common and quite treatable. And, yes, it can also be overwhelming. If your teen is struggling, it may be helpful to speak with a family physician, school counselor, or a licensed therapist. Finding the right strategies for your teen, along with a healthy dose of patience and compassion can work wonders.

Helping Adolescents Work Through the Rising Tide of Anxiety

** The following article was copied from www.fulleryouthinstitute.com

Lately I’ve noticed a growing alarm about anxiety in our culture. It seems to be wreaking havoc in our lives. I’ve seen this trend in my counseling practice, in questions I get when I’m speaking at churches and organizations, and in what I hear in my day-to-day interactions with friends and neighbors.

Anxiety feels like a virus spreading quickly through our midst. We’re now anxious about getting anxious.

As much as we see this chatter offline, there is an even more deafening presence online, as social media interaction and article after article emphasize the impact of anxiety among the American population, and more specifically among high school and college-aged young adults. In the last several months alone, multiple publications have run stories on anxiety. The New York Times Magazineprominently featured a piece entitled, “Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?.” A few months earlier, the Timesran an article proclaiming that anxiety has become an “everyday argot”. The Atlanticpublished articles in July, August, and September looking at anxiety, connecting it to our use of smartphones and social media.

I could list many more, but you get the point. Anxiety is on the rise, and it’s having devastating effects, not only on the American population as a whole, but more specifically among younger Americans. One author writes, “Anxiety is the most common mental health disorder in the United States, affecting nearly one-third of both adolescents and adults, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. But unlike depression, with which it routinely occurs, anxiety is often seen as a less serious problem.” 

Perhaps it’s time to pay more attention.

Anxiety in Context

It is important to gain perspective on how anxiety may impact the work you are doing in your context, whether that’s as a parent, teacher, pastor, mentor, or friend of a teenager. For example, if you are a teacher in middle school or high school and you look out at your classroom of 25 students, statistically speaking, somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 students are suffering from an anxiety disorder. If you are a youth pastor and you look out at your youth group of 50 high schoolers in a Wednesday night gathering, somewhere around 17 students are struggling with an anxiety disorder.

And what about college students? One story in Inside Higher Edsums up anxiety’s growing impact on collegiates, “More than half of the college students who visited their campus counseling centers during the 2015-2016 academic year reported symptoms of anxiety, … This marks the seventh year in a row that anxiety has been the top complaint among students seeking mental health services.”

The average age of onset for anxiety is 11 years old, which matches my own debilitating struggle with anxiety. In 1981, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and by the time she passed away in 1986, my anxiety ballooned into full effect. I began stuttering after the trauma of her death. Two weeks after she passed away, I went back to fifth grade and discovered I could no longer read out loud in class. Instead, when I was called upon I froze in an anxious panic. This continued all the way through high school and into college. It was only then that I decided to face my anxiety, and later in my thirties, through the help of a couple of therapists, I really began not only to understand my anxiety, but also to make serious progress with it.

I know from personal experience how frightening anxiety can be, and that’s why it’s a topic we must all learn to understand better in order to offer help to those who struggle.

Practical Strategies to Help Young People Face Anxiety

Through my work with anxiety both personally and as a therapist, I have found some specific responses to be helpful, so I want to pass these suggestions on to you. You have a vital role in helping teenagers who are struggling. As a first word of caution, however, there are circumstances where anxiety is so severe that someone must be hospitalized or put on medication. What I’m going to share with you here are ways to help those who are anxious but not in need of immediate medical care. As you work through this guide, hopefully the exercises will help give you the confidence to discern when you can help and when you need outside assistance.

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1. Create space and give permission to talk about anxiety

When it comes to adolescents and anxiety, you may be a first responder on the front lines. How you handle anxiety when it arises may set the trajectory for how that adolescent works through anxiety, or if they choose to do so. For most teenagers, talking about their anxiety is a very scary thing, and depending on how they are being raised and the culture they inhabit, there might be all kinds of barriers to talking openly.

Here are some specific ways you can create space and give permission to adolescents experiencing anxiety:

• Start with: Begin by communicating that it’s okay to have anxiety. I encourage you to literally say to an adolescent, “I am creating a safe space for you, and giving you permission to talk about your anxiety.”This kind of permission can be a key to unlocking a lot of the negative assumptions and fears teenagers hold around anxiety.

• Advanced tactics: Normalize anxiety by sharing your own struggles or inviting others in the community to share stories about their anxiety. If you have a hard time finding someone to share, I recommend bringing in someone from outside your ministry like a local therapist to help break the silence.

2. Help identify the roots of anxiety 

My mentor, marriage and family therapy pioneer and Fuller professor Dr. Terry Hargrave, helped me understand very clearly that anxiety is typically a response to a deeper underlying feeling. Anxiety is less of a feeling, and more about how we cope withfeelings that we are often unclear about, or too afraid to confront.

Distinguishing anxiety as a coping behaviorrather than a feelingis critical. Don’t get stuck focusing on the symptom (anxiety), but help the adolescent explore the underlying issues that may be perpetuating anxiety. It’s when you identify the root issues that true healing can begin to take place.

Here are some specific ways you can help an adolescent with anxiety identify the underlying root issues that cause them to respond with anxiety:

• Start with: Sometimes teenagers need help finding the right words to articulate what they are experiencing. Use a handout of feeling words that you can give an adolescent to look through and see if they can name more clearly what they feel. This identification helps them understand themselves better, as well as helping you understand their experience, which increases a sense of safety and trust in the relationship.

• Advanced tactics: Take a stack of 3x5 cards and write down one feeling word on each card. You will want about 20-30 cards. Lay the cards down on the ground, spread out from each other at a good distance (ideally a foot or more). Invite the adolescent to walk around and through the cards and pick up which ones they resonate with the most (i.e., which ones create the feeling of anxiety in them as they look at or walk by the word). Then use those words to help open up a conversation. The physical movement and tactile nature of this exercise can be very helpful.

3. Provide tools to help manage the anxiety

Normalizing and identifying anxiety are important first steps, but adolescents also need tools to assist them in managing anxiety. And though tools are vital, I often have found that adolescents (especially younger ones) have a hard time using tools on their own, especially if they are too complex.

Self-care is an important tool in the management of anxiety. For example, when an adolescent is doing something physically, it helps release positive chemicals in the brain, offsetting some of the more negative ones. When an adolescent is emotionally connected, they tend to feel less isolated and alone, and there is less of a chance they will have to deal with anxiety by themselves. When an adolescent finds something positive to mentally engage, this can be helpful in finding purpose and in switching focus from the negative messages of anxiety. And when an adolescent takes care of themselves spiritually, they are often able to place themselves in a larger narrative than their own, which is key to keep from being swallowed up by the focus on self that anxiety often perpetuates.

Here are some specific and easily-accessible tools you can recommend to or use with adolescents experiencing anxiety:

• Start with: Breathing exercises are probably the most underrated of all anxiety tools, and might be the most important. The Latin root for anxiety implies a “choking off,”or a “closing/shutting in,”so with anxiety it can actually feel like the person can’t breathe (i.e., a panic attack), or that their world is falling apart around them (i.e., existential crisis). So, restoring a calm breathing pattern is essential. You can help a teenager start by practicing a technique such as “box breathing.”I also highly recommend the app Headspace and its “Anxiety Pack.”

• Advanced tactics: Sit down with an adolescent and perform a self-care assessment by drawing four columns on a piece of paper. Label them from left to right: Physical, Emotional, Mental, Spiritual. One column at a time, help the adolescent identify as many things they could be doing to foster each area of their life. Look at the list together and narrow it down to just one activity or practice in each column that they feel the most excitement or energy to focus on. Meet weekly to help keep them accountable and inspired to work on self-care and soul care.

4. Reframe anxiety as an opportunity to grow

Most teenagers I work with have been raised to believe that anxiety is a bad thing, something to be avoided at all costs. Many great thinkers on anxiety from Søren Kierkegaard to Rollo May have argued that though anxiety can have debilitating effects on our lives, ultimately it can also provide us with great insight and lead to transformative change. Kierkegaard has written that “anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”And what possibly produces more anxiety than being in adolescence and having to navigate all the freedom and choices new to a young person’s experience?

• Start with: Take an adolescent through some of the stories in the Bible where the journey through anxiety (whether implicit or explicit) seems to be a major tool for shaping and growing people (e.g., wandering for 40 years in the wilderness; Jacob wrestling with God; Mary giving birth to Jesus; Jesus praying in the garden.) You might ask the adolescent, “What anxiety has God brought you through that has really shaped and helped you grow as a person?”

• Advanced tactics: Try leading the young person in an exercise where they interview their anxiety. There is no “right” way to do this, but the act of depersonalizing anxiety away from themselves and asking questions of their anxiety like, “Why are you here?”, “What do you want from me?”, “What can I learn from you?” “Where is God in the midst of this anxiety?”, are super helpful in making it friendlier, and the process itself can sometimes lead to answers and next steps for the adolescent.

5. Practice working through the anxiety

I have come to realize more and more in my work as a therapist that insight alone is not enough. It’s not enough to simply know that we are anxious, or that a certain underlying feeling is the trigger for anxiety. We have to take that insight and put it into practice, and when we do that, I believe we will see the transformative change we are looking for. Psychologist Angela Duckworth, in her book Grit: The Power and Passion of Perseverance,describes the role “deliberate practice”plays in cultivating change. I have seen that when adolescents practiceworking with and through their anxiety, they experience more victory over it.

[Read more about Grit from FYI, and why it may matter more than grades.]

Here are some specific ways that a teenager can practice working out their anxiety:

• Start with: Help an adolescent identify a specific area of life where they have anxiety. Then explore with them if there are some specific and tangible “baby steps”they can take to face the anxiety head on. Plan those steps out together, and encourage them to experiment with each one. For example, since anxiety can be socially isolating, I might encourage something like this: 1) Walk through a busy part of campus (hallway, cafeteria, etc.) and simply notice what they feel and think. Don’t do anything else for a couple of weeks. 2) Then I might encourage them to find just one person they know and strike up conversation with them. Try this over a few weeks. 3) Then as that friendship develops, I might encourage them to share just a little with that friend about what they are struggling with in terms of anxiety. You could go through a progression of steps like this with many topics, such as anxiety around giving a speech, or trying out for a team, or for feeling overwhelmed with homework. The more you know a teenager, the more you will be able to speak specifically into their experience. The key is to keep the teenager from isolating themselves and letting anxiety take over their day-to-day experience. Instead, look for small, achievable experiences that work in helping the adolescent face and work through their specific anxieties.

• Advanced tactics: Teach the young person to walk through these steps when they feel anxious: a) Say what you feel: e.g., “I feel inadequate.”b) Say what you normallydo: e.g., “I normally become anxious.” c) Say your truth: e.g., “The truth is that I’m capable and have what it takes.”d) Say what different actionyou will take: e.g., “I am choosing to face my fears and have this difficult conversation/apply to that school/end this relationship/try out for this team.” This practice brings awareness to the automatic processes in our brain and body, and by bringing attention to these processes, helps us emotionally regulate and position ourselves to make a different, healthy choice. (And again, I’m indebted to Terry Hargrave’s restoration therapy model for developing this process).

Rising above the tide

I have spent a majority of my life struggling with anxiety, and it is through these key approaches that I, and those who I counsel daily, have found freedom.

It’s not that I am no longer anxious, but rather I now see anxiety as a voice within that helps give me direction when I experience anxiety. Is this anxiety here to crush me? Should I avoid it? Or can it be a tool for growth? Is there something I need to pay attention to in my current patterns? Could this anxiety act as a helpful guide to me? For example, the anxiety may simply be an indicator of fear that is keeping a student from trying out for a part in the school play. Or perhaps it is keeping a student from making new friends in school. This is where anxiety might be saying, “We need to work through these fears in order to live in freedom.”

Sometimes we do sense that anxiety requires more than the practices described in this toolkit. For example, if you encounter a young person whose anxiety is so overwhelming that you fear it may endanger their life or the lives of others. Or perhaps the adolescent’s anxiety is impeding their ability to set healthy boundaries or make wise choices. This is where anxiety may be saying that it’s time to see a therapist, to see a psychiatrist about medication, or to look for inpatient options to help treat anxiety’s debilitating effects.

Kierkegaard declared that “anxiety is our best teacher.”And it has been through the loving care of those responders in my life—a thoughtful college chaplain, two insightful therapists, a helpful mentor, a loving wife, and a faithful God—that I have been able to see anxiety as a teacher in my life, and to use it as an agent of transformation.

I believe you too can be that caregiver who helps a young person transform their anxiety for good. You can be the guide who helps an adolescent best understand the role of anxiety in their lives, and discern what to do with it. Then instead of being overcome by the drowning waves of anxiety, teenagers in our lives can see the tide when it’s rising and step to higher ground.