One Word That Can Lift Your Family’s Holiday Blues and Pandemic Woes

* The following article was copied from www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

“I just want to put up the Christmas tree and call it a year,” said a parent I know, sitting the requisite six feet from me on our back patio.

I chuckled given the timing of our conversation. It was mid-August.

After months of frustrating disruption, remote schooling and social upheaval, many of us optimistically envisioned a somewhat “normal” Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. But with the recent surge in COVID-19 diagnoses and deaths, treasured family and church holiday traditions seem doomed.

In a typical year, loneliness, fatigue, conflict with parents, school challenges, technology saturation and developmental angst can make kids’ celebration of our Savior’s birth far from “the most wonderful time of the year.” 2020 has piled on a pandemic, making this year anything but typical.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, anxiety has more than tripled across all generations since last summer (from 8.1% to 25.5%). Depression in the US has almost quadrupled (from 6.5% to 24.3%). Approximately half of young adults ages 18-24 are wrestling with anxiety or depression.

Research suggests that two-thirds of those dealing with stress and depression usually feel even worse over the holidays. Our viral woes, combined with upcoming “holiday blues,” threaten to level a one-two punch at the family members we care about most.

Withing: A new word to transform our holidays

Replacing the traditional hustle and bustle with small, socially-distanced or virtual gatherings is disappointing, but there is some pandemic light in the darkness. Mandated time at home allows parents, step-parents, household members, and caregivers the opportunity to see more, hear more, and care more deeply. Whether you’re in a living room or a Zoom room, my colleague, Steve Argue, and I recommend you redeem the power of this Advent and Christmas season through withing, a parenting term we introduce in our latest book, Growing With.

We coined withing to mean “growing as a whole family by supporting each other as children grow more independent.” As our teenagers and young adults mature and develop greater agency, withing enables us to provide the unwavering emotional and spiritual support they still need.

Four Christmas gifts withing can bring families

When dealing with anxiety and depression, it’s tempting to retreat into silence and avoid uncomfortable conversations. Withing presses against withdrawal with four deliberate moves. Families that intentionally grow up together won’t grow apart.

Withing makes mental health and struggles discussable. 

It’s time to stop worrying that asking our young people about stress or suicide will only make them feel worse. The opposite is generally true; talking about mental health is usually a relief.

Whether we’re knocking on our teenager’s bedroom door or reaching out to our twentysomething on FaceTime, withing challenges us to swim from the conversational shallow end into deeper discussion waters. If you’re unsure how to dive into a conversation about mental health, try asking your young person, “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst, how would you rate your anxiety?” If they answer a 1-3, explain that’s a normal level of anxiety we all experience from time to time. If they respond with a 4 or 5, you can further explore what’s causing the anxiety, pray with them and assure them them how Christmas means God with us  (Matthew 1:23). You can help them identify valuable coping strategies, along Scriptural truths that can serve as emotional and spiritual anchors—such as Psalm 46:10 (“be still and know that I am God”) and Philippians 4:6 (“be anxious about nothing; pray about everything”).

If they name 6 or above, they almost certainly need additional support from you as well as a friend, mentor, youth pastor, fellow church member, and at times, a trained mental health professional. Make withing a goal of your holidays and your homes will become the first places to talk about anxiety and depression, not the last.

Withing invites better questions. 

When bringing up any topic, a two-question strategy works effectively. Follow up a question with another slightly deeper question. This shows interest in a young person and increases our chances of having a genuine conversation instead of what feels like an inquisition or pop quiz.

So after you ask, “What’s your favorite show on Netflix these days?,” ask a second question, “Why do you think that show is so popular?” Or, after you ask a young person what they are doing in virtual or in-person youth group this month, invite them to tell you which part helps them feel closest to God. The reciprocity that’s core to withing means you are also ready to answer those same questions, as well as any others that come your way.

Withing embraces the highs and the lows. 

Early in the pandemic, my family accepted the advice of my good friend and Fuller Youth Institute teammate, Brad Griffin, to acknowledge both losses and blessings. We kept two lists at our kitchen table and added new pandemic “griefs” and “gratitudes” at every dinner. I think we might start two new lists for the holiday season so the five of us can reflect on the Emmanuel who is “with us” through our highs and lows.

I’m an optimist so I default to discussing the positive. Withing makes space at our family table for all our feelings, not just the warm and fuzzy ones. These 2020 holidays give families new opportunities to name our struggles and victories out loud, making them easier to discuss both now and in the future.

Withing balances both empathy and empowerment. 

Like all of us, young people want to be known. Our empathy, or our ability to notice and care, shows family members that in the midst of their stress and anxiety, we see them. We hear them. Perhaps most importantly, we get them.

As we empathize, we will realize our teenage neighbor is anxious after a sub-par volleyball practice not only because he fears he won’t get much playing time, but because he struggles with centering his identity in athletic performance. We are able to link our daughter’s stubborn determination to set her own final exam study schedule with her recent birthday and her growing quest for more independence. Empathy helps us push past the superficial and let the real story emerge.

Empathy without empowerment can lead a person to feeling known, but still stuck. Withing enables us to pinpoint where our family members stand, while simultaneously coaxing them to take a next faithful step.

One of my favorite phrases that merges empathy with empowerment is, “That stinks, and I think you can handle it. ”Depending on our context, we can modify that phrase to something like, “If I faced what you face this Christmas, I’d be anxious too. How can I help you figure out what to do next?” Or “That sounds so stressful. How can you experience God’s peace in the midst of all you’re juggling?” The exact wording will change, but withing’s intentional pairing of empathy and empowerment helps us now and throughout the new year.

While this holiday season will be different than most, our physical separation doesn’t need to lead to relational isolation. As you offer young people the gift of growing with them, this is your moment to start new and improved holiday traditions, conversations, and connections.

For additional help: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK or suicidepreventionlifeline.org) is a proven resource for young people in crisis as well as for concerned friends or family members.

In addition, the Steve Fund Crisis Text Line is a helpful service dedicated to the mental health and emotional well-being of young people of color that can be reached by texting STEVE to 741741, or visiting stevefund.org/crisistextline.

Strong Relationships Within Church Add to Resilient Faith in Young Adults

* The following article was copied from www.barna.com.

Over the last few weeks, Barna has been taking stock of the information we’ve gathered on the next generation—first Millennials and now Gen Z. Concerning trends have been surfacing around this emerging group, including their skepticism about faith-sharing, an increase in the church dropout rate among those who were raised Christian and a general longing for connection—despite being the most globally connected generations the world has ever seen. How can the Church respond to this data and offer strong, lasting relationships to young people, even in the challenging social context prompted by the COVID-19 crisis?

In Faith for Exiles, co-authors David Kinnaman and Mark Matlock discuss five practices that contribute to resilient discipleship and flourishing faith in young adults. Today, in an excerpt from this research, we’ll take a closer look at one of the main aspects of resilience—relationships—and discuss how churches and parents can come alongside young people to support and encourage them in their spiritual walk through strong connections.

Connection Is Key in Building Resilient Disciples

We often see young people who grew up Christian express negative reactions when the Church is brought up in conversation, reactions that are often rooted in strong emotions, including pain, disconnection, emotional distance, skepticism and withdrawal.

While some church leaders act more like entrepreneurs and showmen than prophets and shepherds, churches have generally lost their influence in local communities. This generation is the first to form their identities—and their perception of church—amid high-profile scandals and sky-high levels of skepticism.

At the same time that the Church is fighting back perceptions of irrelevance and extremism, social pressure is leading to more isolation. All of this means that young people have to travel a long road in order to find supportive relationships, inside or outside the Church.

Resilient disciples’ connections in the Church are far and away more extensive than those young people Kinnaman and Matlock categorize as habitual churchgoers, nomads or prodigals (click here for more on the definitions of these four terms, or review About the Research below). The vast majority of resilient disciples firmly asserts that “the church is a place where I feel I belong” (88%) and “I am connected to a community of Christians” (82%). Fewer than half of habitual churchgoers experience this kind of relational connectedness. Further, the emotions resilient disciples feel in their church are far warmer and more positive than others experience. Their churches feel like a family and are made up of the people they want to be around.

Rediscovering Relationships Within the Church

Mistrust and isolation cut at the heart of human and Christian community. The Church can and should provide answers to the deepest questions of humanity and through Jesus. In this case, our search for relational intimacy and supportive, others-oriented community is found in the Church.

In exile, the Church can provide answers to a relationally hurting society. The Christian community today has an amazing opportunity to address the epidemic of isolation and counteract the atomizing effects of “digital Babylon”—and thereby diminish the mistrust and isolation we’re all experiencing.

Resilient disciples have robust faith in many different dimensions of their lives. They are far more relationally well-rounded that others their age. More than three-quarters say they have “at least one close friend I trust with my secrets” (83%), “when growing up, I had close personal friends who were adults” (81%) and “I have someone in my life, other than family, who I can go to for advice on personal issues” (77%).

Two-thirds agree that “my friends help me be a better person” (67%) and “I have friends and family who are honest with me about my weaknesses” (66%). More than half (58%) firmly agree with the idea that “I am very content when I am by myself,” which is another indicator of relational wholeness.

In comparing resilient disciples to the other young adults who grew up as Christians, it’s striking to see that being a resilient disciple—which is based on a set of questions about theology and faith engagement—correlates to overall relational well-being. These findings affirm that the Church can help fill a massive gap in our society: the desire to be loved, to be acknowledged for more than what we produce and to be known. But how can the Church do this?

Data show that resilient disciples’ sense of belonging correlates with intergenerational friendships and a positive emotional climate. About three in five resilient disciples say “I feel valued by people in my life who are older than me” (65%) and “I welcome positive criticism from those who are older than me” (60%). These are connections that can be forged and maintained in a church community. Another three-quarters say that, as a part of their church community, they feel “loved and valued” (83%) and “like I am part of a family” (76%). Sixty-three percent say they feel “relief from the anxiety of daily life” (63%).

The Church plays an integral role in not only supporting resilient disciples in their spiritual journey, but also in helping habitual churchgoers grow stronger in their faith and inviting nomads and those who have left the Church back into a loving and deeply relational community of believers.

While the current moment adds to the complexity of cultivating long-lasting relationships within the Church, it also underlines the need for these connections. To assess how your church is actively promoting strong relationships, sit down with your staff and ask: How can we equip our leadership team and congregants alike to support the relational well-being of others, especially young people? How do we encourage congregants to make meaningful connections with others? What measures are in place for us to identify and assist those who are struggling to forge new friendships?

The data charts and excerpts in this article are from Faith for Exiles (2019), and were used by permission of David Kinnaman, Mark Matlock and Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

About the Research

The main research examination for the Faith for Exiles book was conducted with eighteen- to twenty-nine-year-olds who grew up as Christian. The charts and data shown in this article use data from quantitative interviews. The data includes interviews from a total of 1,514 US adults 18-29 who were current/former Christians that was collected online during February 16-28, 2018. The margin error for these respondents is +/- 2.3% at the 95% confidence level.

Prodigals, or ex-Christians, do not identify themselves as Christian despite having attended a Protestant or Catholic church as a child or teen, or having considered themselves to be Christian at some time.

Nomads, or lapsed Christians, identify themselves as Christian but have not attended church during the past month. The vast majority of nomads haven’t been involved with a faith community for six months or more.

Habitual churchgoers describe themselves as Christian and have attended church at least once in the past month, yet do not have foundational core beliefs or behaviors associated with being an intentional, engaged disciple.

Resilient disciples are Christians who (1) attend church at least monthly and engage with their church more than just attending worship services; (2) trust firmly in the authority of the Bible; (3) are committed to Jesus personally and affirm he was crucified and raised from the dead to conquer sin and death; and (4) express desire to transform the broader society as an outcome of their faith.

Parenting: Your Highest Calling

* The following article was copied from www.homeword.com.

Here are a few things I have learned about parenting over the years:

Parenting isn’t easy. If you are having an easy go at it, then something is probably wrong. Parenting is exhausting. Just ask the mother of a newborn – or of a 2-year-old, a 10-year-old or even a 16-year-old, for that matter!

Parenting is frustrating. We still live in a make-believe world in which some of us actually expect that there is a place this side of heaven where no conflict resides. If there is such a place, it isn’t in the family.

Parenting is delayed gratification. Parents plant seeds in their children that will not sprout until adulthood. Parenting is partnering with God to bring His children into the world and to help them become all they are meant to be.

Parenting is the highest calling on earth. There is no doubt that one of the primary reasons God placed you on this planet was to pass on a positive, healthy legacy to your family.

The crazy thing about parenting is that there is no single method or plan that works perfectly; there is no guarantee that if what you are doing is working with kid number one, it will work with kids number two, three, four or however many kids you are brave enough to have. You can debate the various philosophies of parenting and family life. Believe me, there are hundreds—no, thousands—of parenting plans out there. Many of them actually contradict each other! However, all healthy parenting plans will tell you, in one way or another, that happy, healthy families experience the power of being there for each other. Most parents reading this blog are doing a much better job than they think; and although the only evident results are long-term, their investment of time, attention and presence in the lives of their children will make a positive difference.

Empathy is Tonic

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Spooked

My daughter spends most of her free time at the stables where she rides horses. She will happily muck stalls (aka shovel poop), wash horses, and hand pick fungus off their legs. Now, will she clean her bathroom, hang up a wet towel, or care to not leave trash under bed? Absolutely not. But I digress.

You see, the farm is her happy place—it’s the place where she feels most like herself. At school, she is highly anxious and nervous about what others think. At home, she takes out all of those frustrations on her family. But at the farm, she is calm and capable, fully in control of herself and her horse. She is her most authentic self there.

But something happened this summer while at the farm. She experienced a few incidents that reminded her that as much as she loves this horse, it is still in fact a large animal. As she was on a trail ride, the horse spooked, galloped back to the barn, and she was unable to control it. It wouldn’t respond to direction which terrified my daughter. For a month, what was supposed to give my daughter therapy and calm, did nothing but create fear and anxiety.

An “Irrational” Fear

The breaking point was when I received a phone call from her in a panic asking me to come pick her up early from the barn, that she didn’t want to do the trail ride (the same trail where the horse lost control). I walked into the barn and there she was having a full on panic attack. She had the horse in the stall but the door wouldn’t shut. It was jammed. She was afraid the horse was going to trample her.

I walked up and assessed the situation. The horse was calmly eating hay in the stall. It wasn’t angry. It wasn’t bucking. But Sinclair was absolutely convinced otherwise. So I took the lead rope from her hands and stood there with her. I spoke both to her and the horse calmly. I encouraged her to take deep breaths, even as she yelled at me.

What would have happened if I saw Sinclair’s panic and raised her with judgment, shame, or intensity? I don’t know exactly, but I do know it wouldn’t have helped the situation. You see, I saw  there was nothing to fear in the moment. I saw the calm horse. But Sinclair didn’t. And I do know what it’s like to have a panic attack. I do know what it’s like to be afraid of something so greatly that it paralyzes you. So that’s where I chose to meet her. I met her from a place of understanding. That’s empathy.

Empathy is Tonic

I think one of the greatest things we need to develop as parents is empathy. My daughter didn’t need a lecture. She didn’t need me to see her and walk away. She didn’t need tough love in the moment. She needed me to sit with her long enough for her to figure out what needed to happen. She needed my presence, not my fixing.

Eventually, my daughter told me to loop the rope around the horse’s neck, and together we walked the horse to another stall. She was fully capable of figuring out what needed to happen next.  My empathy and presence allowed her to do what she needed to do. My empathy was tonic to her.

Real Emotions

In parenting, it is so easy to lack empathy. It’s easy to show up with quick fixes. Trust me, in a house full of girls there are a lot of tears over the silliest things. Hearing a girl cry is like the old fable about the boy who cried wolf. I’m nearly numb to the tears.

But despite our more realistic assessment of the situation, our kids are real humans with real emotions experiencing real things. Just like we do.

Have you ever put yourself in their shoes?

In Their Shoes

When was the last time you felt afraid?
When was the last time you felt unsure of yourself?
When was the last time you felt anxious about something?

Those feelings are all normal, yet we often dismiss them in our kids. We want to skirt them and push past them. We tell them to just get over it. Taking the time to pull up a chair and sit with them feels unnecessary and time consuming.

Even if I am not afraid of the same things, I know what fear feels like. I know what anxiety and stress feel like.

And when I feel afraid, how do I want people to react towards me?

Do I want judgment?
Do I want someone to patronize me?
Do I want to feel shame?
Do I want someone to yell at me?

No. I want someone to sit there with me. Maybe even in silence. I need time and space to work through the emotion. I need someone to say, “I know.” “I get it.” “I’ve been there.” “Me too.”

And my kids need the same thing. I don’t have to solve the problem. I need to sit with them long enough for them to move through whatever it is.  They need my presence. They need my comfort. They need my understanding.

Empathy is tonic.

When we choose to respond with empathy, it is a balm for our kids. No fixes, solutions. Just empathy.

Joy in the Chaos

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

My son is asking for a car this Christmas. He’s four. He started asking for one months ago. And I— foolishly—thought it would be an idea that waned with time. Not so much. He gets fixated on things and doesn’t let go. Which can only mean one thing. Christmas morning is sure to be a little disappointing for my boy.

He is his mother’s son. I can relate. I have a long history of being a bit of a wreck on Christmas. I love anticipation, hype, excitement. But I hate the letdown. And every Christmas, with big hopes and expectations, comes the potential for big let down.

Growing up, it would be over not getting the right toy, size or style. As I’ve gotten older, the let downs are more significant. I’m sure many of you can relate. It seems Christmastime is when the gap is the greatest between the expectation of how things should be and the reality of how things are. It’s a season of hope often followed by a twinge of disenchantment.

It’s hectic family gatherings that require more emotional stability and grace than you feel equipped to handle.

It’s unresolved tensions that result in icy silence or fiery explosions.

It’s childhood magical dreams subtly morphing into incessant demands.

It’s the sense of loss…
of the spouse who isn’t there.
the children who aren’t coming home.
the parents whose absence feels more acute and intense than any other time of the year.

It should be peaceful. Joyful. Hopeful. Magical. And yet, for many, it simply isn’t.

The tension lies in wanting to reclaim the season we want in light of the season we have.

But what if making that happen didn’t have to involve a life renovation? Lewis Smedes writes, “Joy is gratitude,” meaning.

Joy is accessible.
Joy doesn’t have to be a scarcity.
It isn’t happiness.
It isn’t perfection.
It isn’t pretending things aren’t how they really are. It isn’t pasted on smiles and selective memory or hearing. And it’s not just “holding it together.”

Joy is gratitude for what is right even when so much isn’t.

We can be joyful. Because we can be grateful, even in all the difficulty that Christmas may bring. Do we want to un-complicate Christmas?

Then let’s get back to the basics. Look for the good. Look for the right. Look for a reason—any reason at all—to be grateful. Don’t worry about bringing joy to the whole world, but work at bringing joy enough to your world.

Our schedules may be busy.

Our families may be dysfunctional.

Our kids—as hard as we are working to ensure otherwise—may appear to be missing the point of Christmas all together.

But despite all that may be working against us, we have the opportunity to set the tone in a season that was intended to remind us of how involved our God is—at all times. Let’s first be thankful for that.

Deitrich Bonhoeffer wrote a book of Christmas reflections simply called “God Is In The Manger”. In my opinion, I’m not sure he needed to write much more beyond the title. Because that just about sums it up as neatly and beautifully as possible.

The God who made it all, entered it all.
The God behind it all, included us all.
God is in the manger, and all may not be right in the world, but enough is right in the world. 

Yes, joy is gratitude. And we can be grateful that regardless of how we feel over the coming weeks, the unshakable reality is that God showed up 2,000 years ago.

If we refuse to rush through that, if we insist on embracing the miracle that already was in the first Christmas, we may be surprised with a miracle all our own—discovering that though our reality fall short of our deeply felt desires, our joy doesn’t have to.

Your Teenager Needs Discipleship

* The following podcast is from www.thegospelcoalition.org.

Click here to listen to a great podcast about discipling your teen.

Busting Myths About Teen Girl Anxiety

* The following article was copied by www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

If you’re concerned about the rise in teenage stress and anxiety levels, you’re not alone.

Teenagers themselves are concerned.

Whether or not they personally experience anxiety and depression, 7 in 10 teenagers view both as major problems among their peers. According to this same recent survey of 13- to 17-year-olds conducted by the Pew Research Forum, young people’s concern about their peers’ mental health cuts across diverse ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic lines.

In our work at the Fuller Youth Institute, I rarely go a day without hearing about, reading about, being asked about, or grieving over teenage anxiety and depression.

The crisis seems to be experienced more powerfully and prevalently by US girls. In Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, researcher, therapist, and parent Lisa Damour highlights the intensity of the crisis for adolescent girls:

• Between 2005 and 2014, the percentage of teenage girls experiencing depression increased from 13 to 17 percent. During the same time period, that statistic moved from 5% to 6% for boys.

• A larger portion of 13- to 17-year-old girls report feeling tense or nervous every day or “almost” every day (36% for girls vs. 23% for boys).

• Overall almost one-third of girls and women (31%) experience symptoms of anxiety, compared to 13% of boys and young men.

I am a woman, Dave and I are raising two girls, and I care deeply about—and work proactively to—help females of all ages reach their God-given potential. So I devoured Under Pressure in one recent long plane flight.

Based largely on the research sprinkled throughout Under Pressure as well as my growing understanding of the information and experiences underlying adolescent mental health challenges, I think it’s important to bust four major myths. As parents, leaders, and mentors, these myths hinder us from empathizing with, and bringing support and freedom to, the girls we are raising, mentoring, and serving.

Myth #1: Stress and anxiety are bad.

Without stress and anxiety, you and I likely wouldn’t be alive today. Neither would the girls we care about. Stress and anxiety are triggered by what we perceive to be dangerous situations (e.g., a car is coming right at me) that activate our “fight-or-flight” response. Our adrenaline and heart rate increase and oxygen rushes to our muscles as we prepare to either face the potential danger or run away. Anxiety is an essential alarm system, but it can run us ragged when it spins out of control.

Girls’ struggles increase when they disregard the warning signs their brains and bodies are giving them, and are conditioned either covertly or overtly to feel anxious about their anxiety, and stressed about their stress. In fact, while Damour used to work with clients to try to keep anxiety from being their “first response,” she now often doesn’t try to fight that battle. Instead, she works with them on more generative and helpful “second responses.” In other words, even if a girl initially experiences physical or emotional symptoms of anxiety, helping her figure out what to do next may be more healthy and productive than trying to get her to “stop” that initial anxious response.

Myth #2: Stress and anxiety are basically the same.

Both are psychologically uncomfortable, but “stress” is typically a feeling of emotional tension or mental strain while “anxiety” is the fear, dread, or panic that often follows the stress. We can better aid our girls when we help them identify their initial causes of stress, and distinguish those from their subsequent anxiety. That way they can pinpoint what first causes unease and separate that cause from their body and mind’s strong reaction.

Myth #3: Stress is mostly a result of major tragedy and trauma.

The reality is that any change can create stress—even “positive” change. That’s why psychologists often sort stress into three distinct domains, the first of which is life events. Tragedy and major trauma fall into this domain, but so do other “good” life events, like getting a coveted role in a play, joining a sports team, or attending a new school.

The second domain is called daily hassles. For our teenage girls (and really, for all of us), these add up. In fact, one study examining the effect of major negative life events (such as the death of a loved one) found that it was actually the amount of daily hassles that resulted from the major life event that correlated with the degree of emotional upheaval, not the major loss itself.

The third domain, chronic stress, often results when basic life circumstances are consistently difficult. Living in a dangerous community, caring for a sick family member, or relentless achievement pressure are common forms of chronic stress faced by teenage girls.

Too often, those of us who are trying to support girls have an internal radar that is most closely attuned to only one type of stressor: life events. And even then, we are usually more focused on “negative” life events than “positive” life events, and we disregard the cumulative effect of daily hassles and chronic stress altogether. This lack of attention ultimately hurts our girls.

Myth #4: Girls’ anxiety comes from the same source as boys’.

When it comes to the pressures teens face, academics tops the list: 61% of teens say they feel significant pressure to get good grades. While boys typically view school with more confidence, girls view grades as a telling measure of what they can achieve and thus take grades more personally, often making them more anxious about school.

The second greatest source of stress, which is “the pressure to look good” and is reported by 29% of teenagers overall, is more likely to be felt by teenage girls than boys (35% for girls compared with 23% of boys). 

The third greatest source of stress, which is fitting in socially, is experienced by 28% of teenagers overall. Social media exacerbates that peer pressure to fit in; one recent study revealed that teenagers who view social media images of peers seeming “happy and pretty” experience lower self-esteem. Given their greater social media usage, girls, more than boys, are more prone to suffering from these online social comparisons.

When we understand the misconceptions about stress and anxiety, we are more effectively equipped to raise, mentor, and serve healthy and confident young women.

You Are Not Your Child's Sin

* The following article was copied from www.thegospelcoalition.com.

Do you have one of “those” kids? Every family should have at least one. They humble you. They break the mold of the family, and usually their parents at the same time.

A while back, I was at a three-day training in the summer. They had day camps for my kids to attend while I was at the training. Since it was about six hours from home, I rented an Airbnb, left my husband to his work, and drove all the kids out there by myself.

The Incident

Once I got everyone fed after the first day, one of my kids told me about “an incident” that happened that day with one of my other kids. He’d had one of his meltdowns, something we hadn’t seen in a while. He had thrown a chair, and there was yelling and crying.

Of course, there can be many reasons for a child’s meltdown, some even outside the child’s control. A sin-warped world—in which children often experience tiredness, immaturity, past trauma, illness, and developmental challenges—may contribute to a meltdown just as much as ill intent. But, whatever the root cause, it is not okay to throw chairs and scare other children.

The child who came to me was embarrassed by what her brother had done, and she didn’t want to tattle, but she thought I needed to know.

The next morning, as I dropped off my kids at their classrooms, I dropped off the one with the incident last. I wanted to speak with his teacher and make sure everything was okay. She was busy checking kids in, so I stepped back and waited. I was then approached by the superviser of the day camps.

“So, we had an incident yesterday.”

“Yes, one of my kids told me about it.”

She proceeded to tell me the details, and let me know how they responded, and how the day ended. In my mind, they had done everything right, but I was scared she was going to tell me that he couldn’t come anymore. This child got kicked out of things often enough, and I needed this training. It felt like a non-negotiable for my family.

“I’m so, so, so very sorry,” I stammered out.

Set Free

This woman looked at me and cocked her head with questioning eyes. “Why are you sorry? You weren’t even there. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your son did. I just need to make sure that he agrees to our code of conduct before returning to class.”

Her statement caught me off guard—I had never heard those words in my 14 years of parenting. They struck deep. I bit my lip. My face got hot, and to my embarrassment, I started crying. A pent-up dam was released. As a mom of six children, I hear it all. “Control your kids.” “Your kid shouldn’t be doing that.” “Keep an eye on your kid.”

Her statement caught me off guard—I had never heard those words in my 14 years of parenting.

The worst is when I hear these messages spoken passive-aggressively about other parents, and then I internalize them. When kids act up in public it’s: “Some parents just don’t discipline.” “Some parents just don’t teach boundaries.” “No one teaches manners anymore.” “Parents just need to learn to say ‘no.’”

While all that might be true, I get so weary of people thinking I’m the cause of my children’s sinful nature. I must not be trying hard enough. If I just parented them better, they wouldn’t deal with sin anymore.

That’s a weight that suffocates parents today.

Sufficient Savior

Even though I knew Jesus took my sin, I still bore the burden of my children’s sin. I mentally, emotionally, and often physically bore the weight of it. God deals with my sin, therefore I should deal with my kids’ sin. I’m God’s ambassador to them, after all.

Yes, but I am not the Savior.

Even though I knew Jesus took my sin, I still bore the burden of my children’s sin.

Whenever I think back to that conversation, I’m reminded that I’m not built to bear my kids’ sin. There is only One strong enough to bear the guilt of others, and his name is Jesus. That sweet woman in charge of those day camps made that clear to me.

Parents, take on the light yoke of pointing your children to Jesus. Your role as a parent does involve discipline. It does involve being an ambassador. It does involve prayer, training, and correction. But it does not involve bearing some kind of “righteous guilt” over what they have done.

Teach your children right from wrong (the law). Teach them also what God has done for our wrong, and what that means for us (the gospel).

Jesus bore the weight of sin on the cross. He alone is the weight-bearer, and what a relief his strength is—especially on our worst days.

What's Worrying Our Girls

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

What’s Worrying our Girls

By nature, girls want to please. Girls define themselves against a backdrop of relationship. Feeling known and loved is crucial. So to say something that might sound crazy or weird, or might make others reject them, can feel like a terrible risk. You might not like me anymore, they think. Even more than that, you might not love me. You might think I’m crazy. Maybe I am . . .

And so the thought that should be a flash gets stuck. It becomes what I refer to daily in my offices as the one-loop roller coaster at the fair. The thought goes around and around and around in the quiet of kids’ heads and becomes deafening.

The Worry Monster

I feel sick. I’m going to throw up.
 I can’t go to school. No one there likes me.
 I have to check and recheck this until I get it right. I can’t mess up. A little fear becomes a big worry. And that worry loops around and around and around . . . until it feels a lot like a gigantic, catastrophic, insurmountable monster of anxiety. We’ll call him the Worry Monster.

In her worries, your daughter often feels alone. She doesn’t know that others feel the same way, because it’s too scary to put her worries into words. Maybe people won’t like her. Or they’ll think she’s weird. So she thinks she’s the only one and that something is wrong with her.

This isn’t unusual. When something goes wrong in a girl’s world, she usually blames herself. (Boys are much more likely to blame someone else, such as Mom. Sorry, moms.)

How Parents Can Help

It doesn’t help that we adults often don’t know she’s battling a worry monster. We only see her tears. Or anger. Or hear the endless questions. Her outsides don’t match her insides, and her worries come out sideways through a whole host of other emotions. We don’t understand. Neither does she.

The more she listens to the tricks the Worry Monster tries to play on her, the stronger he gets. But the more we learn about her Worry Monster, the weaker he gets.

When your daughter has a little help, a lot of empowerment, and a foundational faith, worries don’t have to carry the same power in her life.

It’s how you and she respond that makes the difference. Our goal is to understand fear, move through worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

Understand the fear, move through the worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

When Worry Turns Into Anxiety

Worry turns into anxiety for a variety of reasons. Trauma can cause a child who worries to develop anxiety. Genetics can, as well. Personality, environment, life circumstances, and a whole host of factors can cause a child who worries to become a child with anxiety. As I said, fears pass with time, experience, and trust. Worries come and go, for all of us. But anxiety, left untreated, only gets worse.

With anxiety, we’ve got a really wide scope. It’s not “of” or “about” something. It’s “I have” or “I am.”

It’s a state of being: “I have anxiety,” “I am anxious.” And sadly, this state often comes to define us or the kids we love. In all my years of counseling, I’ve never had so many girls give me “I am” statements as they have about anxiety in the past five or so years.

Just as there is a continuum from fear to anxiety, there is also a continuum within anxiety itself.

Anxiety looks different on different girls. It varies in intensity and expression.

Girls with anxiety overestimate the threat and underestimate themselves and their ability to cope. The worst-case scenario becomes a normal life perspective.

Another primary factor of anxiety is that anxiety is born out of fear but has a response that is disproportionate to the fear itself.

understand fear, move through worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

CLICK TO TWEET

Why Her?

Maybe you’ve noticed that your daughter seems to have more fears than her friends do. Maybe she talks often about worst-case scenarios. Maybe her teacher has mentioned anxiety. Or your girl has. Whatever the situation, I know you want your daughter to feel braver, stronger, and smarter. You want her to have a faith that brings her peace and comfort. But, right now, it’s not happening. The Worry Monster seems to have a bigger voice than she does. And, because her Worry Monster is in control, your Worry Monster is starting to turn up the volume with you.

I got a text from a friend this week who knew I was working on this book. “Here’s the deal,” she said. “We want to know:

1. How we can help our kids, and

2. What we did to cause this problem. We’re all feeling a lot of mom guilt over here.”

I do not want you to be reading this with, or out of, mom guilt or dad guilt or anyone guilt. If your daughter is a worrier or has anxiety, I know you may be asking yourself, “Why her?” She is very likely asking herself, “Why me?”

Let me tell you what I say to every girl facing anxiety: “You feel this way because you’re really great. The smartest, most conscientious, try-hard, care-about-things girls I know are the ones who struggle with anxiety. It’s honestly because you’re awesome. You care so much, and that’s the bottom line of why you worry.”

I’m serious, let’s start there. The girls I see who live with anxiety are some of the most hardworking, caring, intentional, kind, brilliant girls I know. Things matter to them. Everything matters to them, which can make life hard. And it can make it hard to know when or how to turn that kind of care off.

The smartest, most conscientious, try-hard, care-about-things girls I know are the ones who struggle with anxiety.

She’s Not Alone

Also, it’s helpful for her to know she’s in good company. I tell girls that anxiety is the primary mental health problem among children and teens. Not that I would use that the phrase “mental health” in my office with girls themselves, necessarily.

But it does help her a lot to know she’s not the only one struggling. I explain it more like, “I talk to girls every day who worry more than they wish they would. They have trouble turning those good brains of theirs off, and so they have lots of looping thoughts.

And believe me, I have heard girls say they’re worried about everything you can imagine. There is nothing you could say that would surprise me or make me think less of you.”

Growing With Parent Podcast

Drs. Kara Powell and Steve Argue coauthored the book Growing With: Every Parent’s Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in Their Faith, Family and Future. Join Kara and Steve as they have real conversations with thoughtful parents about the ups and downs of parenting adolescents and emerging adults.

Click here to go to their podcast page.

3 Uncomfortable Questions Most Parents Don't Ask But Should

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

Someone once said, “you’ll never realize the importance of something until it’s gone.” This is true in so many areas of life, especially in parenting. When raising children, the days seem so long but the years seem so short. And as a result, parents often overlook tough questions during the parenting years that they later will wish they had prioritized.

They are tough topics, yes. And while it isn’t easy to think about them, it’s important to address them before it’s too late—especially by asking these three uncomfortable questions.

1. Will any of my children rebel when they are grown?

“What’s in your child’s heart will determine what’s in your child’s future.”

While there is no way to tell what the future holds, parents instinctively are given firsthand access to the direction of their child’s heart more than anyone else. A parent’s greatest responsibility is not to be a rule-enforcer or a family referee. A parent’s greatest responsibility is to nurture and protect their child’s heart. Because what’s in your child’s heart will determine what’s in your child’s future. We’ve found in our own family that this is hard to track.There is so much being thrown at our kids from every directionthat it requires our intentionality to protect their hearts and their futures.

2. Are my children actually learning how to be great spouses and parents?

Have your kids ever looked up at you and said, “I want to be a daddy just like you someday”? I can remember when mine have. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that our children one day will become adults—mothers and fathers, husbands and wives. And what they are learning now is what will shape them into the adults they will become. It is most important to remember that more than our children will become what we say, they will become who we are.

3. Do my children even know to handle forgiveness, bitterness, and reconciling relationships?

Everyone gets hurt by others. And everyone hurts others. Pain is a two-way street. Learning to deal with it properly is key to living successfully. And one of the greatest ways to set your child up for relational success is for them to see you being quick to forgive, willing to reconcile, and letting go of things that hold you back from your full potential as a person and as a parent. To live successfully, our children must learn how to deal properly with life’s hurts and they need our example and help to know how to navigate their own.

I heard this quote recently: “Our world 20 years from now will be what we have raised our children to be today.” How true. Our parenting has a multi-generational effect, and so we intentionally need to ask ourselves what patterns are we setting for our grandkids and what kinds of traits we want to make sure get transferred to future generations through our children, such as respect, generosity, and faith. Unfortunately, important factors like these can fall by the wayside and be lost forever in just one generation. As you honestly think on these three uncomfortable questions today, here’s a great reminder: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” -Frederick Douglas

The One Thing Your Kid Needs Before Going to College

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Helping your child transition from one phase to the next is never easy. You probably remember the first day of kindergarten, the first day of middle school, or the day they got their driver’s license. Chances are, at each phase, you found yourself the same, very important, question:

Do they have everything they need?

In elementary school, the answer to that question came in the form of school supply lists and lunch money forms. Maybe during the high school years, that question looked like putting an emergency kit in their car with a list of emergency numbers. And, after all those years of making sure the have what they need, this stage may feel eerily similar. Besides, there are a LOT of things they may need to start college:

• Financial aid forms
• Registering for classes
• Dining hall plans
• Dorm décor
• A new (and better) computer

The list goes on and on. But from years (okay, decades) of walking with teenagers and their parents through the transition from high school to college, I’ve found one of the most important things a teenager needs when starting college rarely makes the list but it often makes all the difference.

They Need . . . a Team

Over and over, research confirms that the chances of success in college, and in life, rises when we have mentors, advisors, and people to guide us along the journey. This is especially true in the first few months of college where life can be tricky and the right decision isn’t always clear.

In this first semester, there will be times your brand new young adult may feel hesitant to ask you for advice because it feels like they should have it all figured out by now. So having a team of other adults who can mentor, advise, or encourage your new college student can be a game changer.

The Team They Need

That’s why we think every student starting college needs a team of five adult advisors who will help them navigate their first semester in college.

And we know that asking or even finding five adults may seem challenging for a young person. So we wanted to make it as easy as possible for them by creating a website that helps your college student make the ask and helps their adult mentors remember to follow up regularly.

Building Their Team

To sign up, simply have your student go to OnMyTeam.org and click “I’m a college student.” There, they’ll be walked through the process of deciding who makes a good mentor, and they’ll be given the exact words to copy, paste, and send to an adult asking them to become a team member for the next semester.

Eventually, your son or daughter will find people in their new stage of life, their new school, or maybe even a new town to act as mentors in their life. But those relationships don’t happen automatically. So between now and then, it’s our hope that OnMyTeam.org helps bridge the gap with adults they already know and trust who can cheer for them and guide them toward what’s next.

A Parenting Roadmap for Social Media

* The following article was copied from www.careynieuwhof.com.

By Jeff and Wendy Henderson

Parenting is much like a pendulum.

The tighter you pull back on the pendulum the faster it pulls away when you ultimately release it.

The aim of parenting is releasing our kids into the world, prepared and ready. It’s why we should slowly but consistently release the pendulum throughout the teenage years.

In the early years, pulling tightly on the pendulum makes perfect sense. This is the season of car seats. But before you know it, the one in the car seat will literally be in the driver’s seat driving away.

If we still treat them like they are in the car seat when they are teenagers, they will drive away unprepared to make decisions as an adult.

If we still treat them like they are in the car seat when they are teenagers, they will one drive away unprepared to make decisions as an adult.

In our presentations to parents about social media, we hear (and understand) the strong temptation to completely control, restrict and ban its use in the lives of their kids. And, that might be the right call for some teenagers in certain seasons and for certain reasons.

Our concern though is what happens when the kids go off to college or ultimately leave the home – which, by the way, is the goal.

When the parenting pendulum has been so tightly pulled back, controlled and restrictive, the natural counter-reaction is to swing wildly in the other direction when released. There’s a phrase for this.

It’s called Freshman Year.

When the parenting pendulum has been so tightly pulled back, controlled and restrictive, the natural counter-reaction is to swing wildly in the other direction when released.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY

We can apply this parenting principle which is so helpful and true when our kids are teenagers:

Great parenting isn’t controlling. Great parenting is coaching.

Great parenting isn’t controlling. Great parenting is coaching.

This is true in all areas of life, and social media is one of them.

Coaching our kids on how to use technology is a much better strategy than simply controlling their technology use. That’s not to say you give up control. Remember, you are the parent. You are in control. But as Andy Stanley says, “Approach is everything.”

How we approach our kids on this and any topic makes all the difference.

Think of it like teaching our kids how to drive a car. If we dug in our heels and said, “There are a lot of things that could go wrong. You are not driving a car,” well, that’s an approach. But probably not a healthy one.

The better approach is what we normally do. It’s a process.

There is a learner’s permit, driving school and rules for the road.

We don’t just hand a teenager keys to a car and say, “Good luck.”

And yet, sometimes, that’s what happens with technology. We hand our kids a phone and say, “Good luck” with very little training or coaching.

It’s why social media should be like learning to drive. There should be a learner’s permit, driving school and rules for the road.

Since this doesn’t currently exist, we are going to give you ideas for each one of these.

The ultimate goal of this parenting roadmap is helping you slowly release the parenting pendulum so that when you ultimately release it the result isn’t a wild swing in the opposite direction. It results in our kids being released with the wisdom and maturity to make the best decisions possible.

Coaching our kids on how to use technology is a much better strategy than simply controlling their technology use.

LEARNER’S PERMIT

Before you begin coaching your kids on social media, it’s helpful to begin with some basic rules regarding their phone use:

• Please repeat this statement to your kids over and over: “The primary reason you have a phone is so that I can get in touch with you. It is not so you can get in touch with your friends.”

• The “Find my Friends” app is your friend. Our kids know we are tracking them via their phone and we know exactly where they are. This is a great gift to us as parents (though we’re glad our parents didn’t have this!)

• Limiting where their phone is used in the home will limit the use of their phone. (We discussed this in detail in our previous blog post.)

• Inform them of the monthly cost of their phone and when they can, have them contribute to the cost. This not only teaches them about technology but also about finances.

• Read their text messages. Yes, that’s right. Invade their privacy. We told our kids there should be no deleting of text messages. We didn’t tell them when we would read their text messages, only that we would from time to time. This helped provide some great conversations and coaching about how to respond to certain situations as well as getting a glimpse on what they are thinking. It also, perhaps, forced them to have an actual conversation with a friend versus texting about it. This was a win in and of itself.

Please repeat this statement to your kids over and over: “The primary reason you have a phone is so that I can get in touch with you. It is not so you can get in touch with your friends.”

DRIVING SCHOOL

You are the instructor of this school, even if you don’t consider yourself very tech-savvy. How the instructor drives is often how the student drives.

• No phones at the dinner table.

• When parents limit their own use of technology at home, it is modeling the way for their kids.

When parents limit their own use of technology at home, it is modeling the way for their kids.

• With any school, there are certain milestones and tests that lead to graduation. As we said in our last post, when our kids wanted to get on Snapchat, we had an age milestone of 16 years old. Until they were 16, it was non-negotiable. Once they reached 16, they had to watch the sermon series “The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley. Watching a series on love, sex and dating with your parents would certainly make any teenager wonder how much they really wanted a Snapchat account.

• Point out positive role models on social media. Often, we only hear the negative side of technology. However, there is a very positive side. We have had great discussions about what certain athletes or other role models have shared on social media – whether it is a quote or how they are living their lives. This, of course, would require you to be following and taking notes of how you can leverage the positive stories you find and using it as a part of your social media driver’s school. Take advantage of the positive stories out there and use them as coaching tools.

Point out positive role models on social media.

• Pick one social media channel and stay with that one for a year. There really isn’t any reason for our kids to have multiple social media channels starting out. It’s much easier for you to manage and train them with just one channel.

• Once you have selected that one channel, be sure to follow your teenager and make their account private. Keep an eye on whom they are following and who is following them.

• In most social media channels, you can be alerted when your teenager posts something. This allows you to encourage them on something they posted, or provide feedback if you didn’t like what they posted. Either way, the point is clear to your kids – you are paying attention to what they are doing on social media. It’s all part of the Social Media Driving School.

There really isn’t any reason for our kids to have multiple social media channels starting out.

RULES FOR THE ROAD

Think of these ten rules for the road as road signs and speed limits. You might even consider posting them somewhere in your house.

• Never text or post out of anger. It’s like going to the grocery store hungry. Both will lead to regret.

Never text or post out of anger. It’s like going to the grocery store hungry. Both will lead to regret.

• Ask this question before texting or posting: “Would I want my parents to read this?”

• Ask this question before texting or posting: “Will I regret this five years from now?”

• Criticize in person not online. If you have something negative to say, say it directly and privately.

• Are you able to take a break from social media for ten days? If not, it’s time to take a break from social media.

Are you able to take a break from social media for ten days? If not, it’s time to take a break from social media.

• Be an encourager online, not a critic.

• Be the same person online as you are offline.

• If you aren’t sure you should post it, don’t.

• The pictures you show of yourself should be modest and tasteful.

If you aren’t sure you should post it, don’t. The pictures you show of yourself should be modest and tasteful.

• Never determine your self-worth and identity from social media. If you do, you have given over control of your life to other people.

In many ways, parenting is more challenging today than ever before because these days of technology are unprecedented. While it is understandable to parent out of fear, it’s much better to parent out of faith knowing that God loves our kids more than we do and He has promised to give us wisdom when we ask.

While it is understandable to parent out of fear, it’s much better to parent out of faith knowing that God loves our kids more than we do and He has promised to give us wisdom when we ask.

Don't Give Up Praying for Your Children

* The following article was copied from www.desiringgod.org.

Several years ago I wrote an article suggesting seven things we parents can pray for our children. I still personally find them helpful. However, in making these suggestions, I included a qualifier:

Of course, prayers are not magic spells. It’s not a matter of just saying the right things and our children will be blessed with success. Some parents earnestly pray and their children become gifted leaders or scholars or musicians or athletes. Others earnestly pray and their children develop a serious disability or disease or wander through a prodigal wilderness or just struggle more than others socially or academically or athletically. And the truth is, God is answering all these parents’ prayers, but for very different purposes.

The more time passes, the more crucial this qualifier becomes for me. The more accumulated time I spend in Scripture, the more I read history, and the more I observe as I grow older, the less confidence I place in my perceptions of how things appear at any given point.

Trusting God, Not My Perceptions

I’ve lived long enough now to have watched a number of movements within evangelicalism surge and decline. I’ve seen numerous leaders rise and fall. I’ve seen spiritually zealous twentysomethings who got off to a strong, solid start become spiritually disillusioned thirty- or forty-somethings and falter, some abandoning the faith altogether. And I’ve seen spiritually disinterested, and in some cases dissolute, youth become spiritually vibrant, mature adults.

I’ve also been in close proximity to many parents who have raised children to adulthood. I’ve seen children of faithful, prayerful parents reject their parents’ faith, and I’ve seen children of unfaithful parents embrace Christ and follow him in spite of the profound pain they have experienced. This hasn’t made me skeptical of parental faithfulness, but it has made me less given to formulas.

“God is trustworthy, and what I think I see at any given time is not.”

And perhaps more than all that, I’ve also observed myself pass through various seasons of my own life. I’ve had seasons when I was full of faith and enthusiasm, and seasons of discouragement when I was a man of “little faith” (Matthew 6:30). I’ve endured seasons of dark depression and even faith crises. Well into middle age, one thing I know about myself is that I am “beset with weakness” (Hebrews 5:2). I can bear witness that God has been unfailingly faithful to me with regard to his word, even though I have frequently not been faithful in trusting him.

Yes, I’ve learned that God is trustworthy, but my perceptions regularly are not. I’ve learned — or more accurately, I’m learning — not to assume too much when it comes to human beings, myself included. Jesus set the example, for he “on his part did not entrust himself to [people] . . . for he himself knew what was in man” (John 2:24–25).

This is an invaluable lesson when it comes to praying for my children.

Parenting Pushed Me to Prayer

I am the father of five wonderful human beings. They are wonderful to me, not because they are prodigies I can boast in, but because they are human beings, “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God himself through the inscrutable historic process and genetic legacy of countless generations of fearful and wonderful humans — of which my wife and I are only the most recent contributors (Psalm 139:14). Sometimes I just stop and observe them, in awe of what and who they are, quite apart from what they do.

They are very much their own persons, very different from each other and their parents. They have unique temperaments, unique strengths and weaknesses, unique interests, and unique proclivities.

“If our children are doing well spiritually, they are not out of the woods. If they are not doing well, their story is not over.”

Like most young parents, my wife and I began our parenting journey with an almost unconscious assumption that if we did parenting “right,” our kids would embrace all we embrace without all the wrestling and pain and questioning we went through to embrace it. Though if you would have asked me that specifically back then, I would have denied it, theoretically knowing better. It’s just hard to avoid that early optimism.

But parenting has humbled me significantly. My weaknesses and limitations, I think, are most clearly exposed in fathering. The net effect this has had is to make me less confident in my abilities and efforts, and more dependent on, feeling more desperation for, the power of God to do for my children what he has done for me — a work of grace that I know my own parents would say occurred in spite of their weaknesses and limitations.

Two of my children have launched into independent adulthood, and three are in their teenage years. Over the years, I have watched many different kinds of spiritual ebbs and flows. They have lived in the same home with the same parents, who live out their faith before them in essentially the same way. They have attended the same churches. Yet they are each walking unique spiritual paths at their own unique speeds.

Ask, Seek, Knock

And here is where a parent’s faith is tested. We of course want our children to truly love the Lord Jesus, the true Pearl of great price, with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love their neighbor as themselves (Matthew 13:45–46; Luke 10:27). We very much want them to experience this as early as possible.

But we don’t know what the best way is for each of them to learn this. We don’t know God’s purposes or his timetable for revealing himself to our children. Nor are we allowed to peer into the mystery of God’s sovereignty in election as it relates to our children (Romans 8:29–30).

But all I have observed and experienced in Scripture and in life teaches me two things: God is trustworthy, and what I think I see at any given time is not. Which means what looks encouraging to me now could very well change in the future, and what looks discouraging to me now could very well change in the future. Therefore, I stand by what I wrote in that article more than ever:

So, pray for your children. Jesus promises us that if we ask, seek, and knock, the Father will give us good in return (Luke 11:9–13), even if the good isn’t apparent for forty years.

“If we ask, seek, and knock, the Father will give us good in return, even if the good isn’t apparent for forty years.”

That last phrase reminds me of Peter Hitchens’s story of his conversion (Peter is the late Christopher Hitchens’s brother). He recounts how, as a 15-year-old, he cast off what he saw as the bonds of religious faith and zealously embraced atheism, publicly burning his Bible to announce his liberation. Then came the slow, unexpected realization well into mature adulthood that what he once thought bondage was true freedom, what he once thought liberation was, in fact, bondage, and what he once thought ignorant darkness was actually light. I doubt anyone who knew the young-adult Peter Hitchens saw that coming.

Do Not Lose Heart

So, let us not give up praying for our children. This ministry of intercession is a lifelong calling. We must not assume too much when it comes to human beings. If our children are living and doing well spiritually, they are not out of the woods. If they are living and not doing well spiritually, their story is not over. Therefore, let us “always . . . pray and not lose heart” (Luke 18:1).

God is faithful. He will never default on his word. Let us be faithful to his call on us, and let us be faithful to our children by continually petitioning God on their behalf. He will not allow such a labor, no matter what the result is that he determines in his wisdom, to be in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58).

4 Mistakes Parents Make with Technology

* The following article was copied from www.careynieuwhof.com.

By Jeff Henderson

Do you remember when the phone rang and you wondered who was calling? Your kids will never know that feeling. They simply look on the screen to see who it is. 

You certainly don’t need me to tell you our kids are growing up in a different world than we did.  

Technology is having a pervasive influence on all of us, especially the next generation. And while it certainly has its positive attributes, the cracks on the hearts and minds of this generation are beginning to show. 

In 2011, sociologists noticed an unprecedented increase in anxiety and depression among teenagers. As Cal Newport points out in his excellent book Digital Minimalism, the only factor that also dramatically increased at this time was the number of teenagers owning their own smartphone.  

“The use of social media and smartphones look culpable for the increase in teen mental-health issues,” said Jean Twenge, San Diego State psychology professor. In her article for the Atlantic entitled Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? she went on to add, “It’s enough for an arrest – and as we get more data, it might be enough for a conviction.” 

This new reality has caused anxiety and fear on the part of parents, and rightly so. How do we find the right balance for our kids between benefiting from technology while avoiding the danger of it?  That’s a great question. 

The goal isn’t to ban technology. The goal is to manage it. Like anything in life, when managed and led well, technology can actually be an asset to our lives.  

To get there, we need to avoid these four common mistakes parents make with technology.

How do we find the right balance for our kids between benefiting from technology while avoiding the danger of it? The goal isn’t to ban technology. The goal is to manage it.

1. ALLOWING KIDS TO TAKE PHONES INTO THEIR ROOMS

One of the best ways to manage technology use is to limit where it is used at home.  

Wendy and I made it clear to our kids that all technology stayed on the main level. There were times they “forgot” and this resulted in restrictions on their phone use. 

Plus, by reducing phone use to the main level, it created more time with us and the family versus being alone and lost in time on their phones.

Remember, the goal isn’t eliminating technology. It’s managing it. When kids take their phones into their rooms it results in more screen time. Kids don’t need more screen time. They need more family time.

The obvious pushback from kids is, “I’m bored.” Let me give you some encouragement. 

When you hear “Mom/Dad, I’m bored,” it’s a sign of great parenting.

Somewhere along the line, we equated boredom with bad parenting. It should not be our goal to entertain our kids. It’s our goal to raise them as well as we can with character, love, and care. Not only that, boredom is actually a gift. It’s the place where kids discover creativity, how to think, and where their minds are provided a time to rest.  

Also, it’s helpful to define the purpose of why kids get a phone. The ultimate goal isn’t to play games or text with friends in their room all day.  

When our kids started getting more mobile – sports practices, after-school activities, going to a friend’s house – we wanted a way to stay in touch and to track them. (Shout-out to Find My Friends where we can track where our kids are.)

Whenever our kids didn’t respond promptly to a text from us we reminded them of this primary purpose of why they had a phone. It’s a privilege and responsibility to have a phone – which we can easily take away. 

Our phones used to be attached to walls. Now, we are attached to our phones. Unattach them from your kids at home.

2. NOT KEEPING UP WITH TECHNOLOGY

Recently during a Q&A at one of our presentations, a school principal stood up and pleaded with parents to not give up but to keep up with technology. This doesn’t mean you have to know the latest Snapchat filters but it does mean you need to take the mindset of a learner. 

Remember, our kids are digital natives. They were born into this. As a result, they have a natural advantage. We are immigrants to this new land but we can learn the customs and culture.  

You don’t have to know everything but you do need to know some things. The bigger risk is not keeping up. 

If you feel like you’re behind, here’s a starter’s kit: 

• Google is your friend.

  • You can learn a lot by searching for things like “apps to worry about” or “dangerous apps for kids and teenagers.” Additionally, searching for the most popular apps for the ages of your kids will help you know what their friends are talking about.

• Participate in the apps your kids/teens are using.

  • Keeping up with technology is like learning a new language. You’ve got to start speaking the language. One of the ways to do this is by signing up for an Instagram account for example. Wendy and I not only follow our kids on social media we also follow many of their friends as well. When your kids know you’re watching what they post, it’s fantastic accountability. Also, it’s one of the ways we were made aware of Finstas – which are fake Instagram accounts.

• Ask Questions out of interest instead of judgment.

  • Be curious. Ask your kids to help you keep up with technology. Ask them, “What is the hottest app?” “How do you plan on using it?” “What’s cool about this app?

A lot of times our kids want apps just because their friends have them not because they are intentionally trying to get bad or dangerous ones. Sure, they may not want to talk about this but remind them who pays their cell phone bill and that it’s part of their job to keep you current. Trust me, this will spark the conversation.   

Google. Participate. Ask. It’s a great three-step starter kit to keep up with technology.

Keeping up with technology is like learning a new language. You’ve got to start speaking the language.

3. PARENTS DON’T MODEL THE WAY

The reason many kids are addicted to technology is because their parents are.

We are the leaders. We must model the way.  

For example, the dinner table at home should be a tech-free environment. I’m not responding to the latest text or email on my phone. It’s not the time for that.  

I’ve discovered one of the best ways to do this is simply putting the phone away in another room at home and not carrying it around with me. This allows me to resist the temptation of replying immediately to that text or call when I’m with my family. 

Additionally, your mobile device has a way for you to track your screen time week to week. Honestly, this is very convicting for Wendy and me. Some weeks are better than others. But simply knowing that number helps us shoot for something lower in the week ahead.  

The point is simply this: 

If I want my kids to understand how to manage their technology, I need to manage mine.

4. FORGETTING THAT YOU ARE THE PARENT

When Wendy and I talk about this with other parents, we often hear how difficult it’s going to be implementing the technology tips we discuss. They are absolutely correct. It’s why it’s important to remember this principle which we’ve had to remind ourselves over the years: 

Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. 

It’s wonderful and hard. Sure, I want my kids to love me but there are going to be times they might not like me. That’s okay. 

Our goal as parents in these formative years isn’t necessarily to be popular with kids. Our goal is to shepherd, guide and lead them.

I can’t tell you how many times we heard, “But Mom and Dad, all of my friends are on Snapchat. Why can’t I get on Snapchat?”

It’s helpful to pre-determine some certain milestones to help you stay strong in these moments. For example, Wendy and I had one milestone and one goal the kids had to complete before they could have a Snapchat account. First, they had to turn 16. Until then, it was a mute point. After their 16th birthday, they had to watch the sermon series, The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating by Andy Stanley. With us.  

Watching a video series with your parents about love, sex and dating would make anyone rethink whether they truly wanted a Snapchat account. The point is that these kinds of milestones and goals helped us stay strong as parents. 

After all, we can’t forget who’s in charge. We can’t forget who pays the bills. We can’t forget that we are the parents.  

It’s not easy. But remember, we didn’t sign up for easy. We signed up for worthwhile. And helping your kids navigate this new world of technology is certainly worthwhile. 

The good news is we don’t have to go it alone. There are lots of parents reading this blog post with lots of great ideas. That includes you.

Secrets for Dads From a Daughter

The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

This is a guest post from Hannah Joiner.

I happened to be at the wedding when Reggie, my dad, read this letter to Mark on the day he gave his daughter Kristi away in marriage. Even though it was directed primarily to fathers, I couldn’t help but learn a few things myself. I also thought of a few secrets that my dad should know about his daughter that might be beneficial for other dads too.

Secret one: Rolling my eyes didn’t always mean what I was communicating to you.

I remember rolling my eyes as a little girl when my dad needed to take me by his office. The funny thing is I also remember REALLY wanting to go. I just didn’t want him to know that. Yes, we do play games, and I’m sorry it’s so confusing! I loved feeling like I was important enough to be around my dad’s workplace. It made me feel like he was proud to be my dad.

Secret two: I loved when you invested in getting to know my friends.

When my dad would get to know my friends (at any age), it meant the world to me. I pretended to be embarrassed sometimes. Little did he know, he was communicating his genuine interest in my life. What was important to me was also important to him. And I began to realize that his purpose was not to just make the rules, he wanted to build a relationship with me.

Secret three: Letting go helped me decide who I wanted to be.

When I was sixteen, I got into some trouble at school. I was scared to death of what my punishment would be when my dad got home. This is one of those times I remember him “letting go.” He didn’t really punish me, he just told me I was old enough to make my own decisions and that I was accountable to God and myself. The next day, he took me to work with him and treated me like an adult. This was a turning point in my life. I was heartbroken knowing he was disappointed in me. I WANTED a punishment so that I could just pay for it. Instead, letting go in that moment taught me who I wanted to be—someone that could make the right decisions without rules.

Dads, I wish I had been better at communicating to my father how much his holding on and letting go meant to me. The chances are your daughters will probably wish the same thing one day. If you are fighting for her and trying your best, she knows it. So don’t stop. Of course my dad didn’t do everything right, but none of that matters now because he fought for our relationship. I really believe that’s the most crucial part.

I hope this encourages every parent and ever leader to push on through the eye rolls and know that kids need you to fight for their heart. So keep doing what you do. Every day. Every week. And when that moment comes and you have to let go and let them walk away, you can know they will carry with them all the things you have done for them over time.

Balance is a Myth

* The following article was copied from www.keyministry.org.

There’s no such thing as balance. Honestly. There isn’t.

What do we usually mean by balance? What picture pops to mind? The scale, settled on its fulcrum, equal weights on either side. Well, that picture doesn’t work in real life. First, there’s not a day in any human’s life when there are ONLY two things. We have kids and work and family and personal care, and spiritual health and worship and service and vocation and hobbies and … AND, even with the imaginary two things, there’s no moment in time when things get equal effort.

The idea of being balanced seems to imply that we know what’s on our plate and we then allocate appropriate time to each thing, perhaps in a way that reflects our priorities. Although we acknowledge family as more important to us than our jobs, we spend more time at work than with our families. And with God at the top of our priority list, time in spiritual practices can fall a poor third to work and family time. Are we out of balance?

THINGS COME UP

I think the idea of priorities takes us down the right road. I know you have had that moment, a call from a loved one, when you dropped everything and went over, to spend time with them, to serve and to help. Were you out of balance then? Or what about when your kid doesn’t sleep the night and you don’t sleep to care for him, but then you don’t go to work because the combination of his needs and your exhaustion means you might be dangerous or unkind to other humans? Are you out of balance then? I don’t think so. I think you made a choice about what your priority was in the moment.

As a mom of a child with special needs, I’ve noticed that it’s hard to know ahead of time all the things that I’ll deal with on a given day. Who knows which combination of a school plumbing emergency (no school), a stomach virus (no sleep), a winter storm (no heat or power) or a panic attack (no peace) will come my way? If I don’t know what’s coming, how can I plan in a way that establishes balance?

A TIME FOR EVERYTHING

With the massive unknown created by competing roles and unexpected events, I’ve decided that balance is a myth. Another strategy is needed to maintain peace and sanity. It’s called ‘figuring out what’s needed right now.’ It probably sounds better if I say, ‘know your priorities.’ I know we all know our general priorities of God, family, and so on. But in every given moment, there are at least five things calling for our attention and only one thing that needs to be done. The trick is knowing what that one thing is.

Ecclesiates 3 is often quoted on this matter, and it’s true! There is a time for everything. That’s such a relief! That means if I don’t have time for something, then the “it” isn’t actually a thing that I need to be doing. But how do we determine what should be done in each moment? Here are four steps to help you figure this out.

1.  CHOOSE THE EASY WAY.

I live by the mantra if it’s worth doing, its worth doing the hard way. As a type-A-get-things-done person, I’m pretty competent at most things and I can be caught doing many, many, many things that I just don’t have to do. I don’t have to create the cute wall art myself, I can buy one. I don’t have to pick the kids up, I can let them take the train. Some of the items competing for our attention can be delegated to others or just done the easy way.

2.  PRIORITIES.

How do you want to spend your time and energies? What do you really want to be doing? Sometimes we are caught doing tasks that others ask us to do, even though they don’t sit in our sweet spot. This is often the case with ministry and service opportunities. Make a list of how you really want to spend your time and energy. Especially note the priorities that you think take more time or energy than they should, and the others that are not getting enough attention. These two lists are prayer prompts, opportunities to discuss your time and energy utilization with the One who makes all time and energy.

3.  SCHEDULE.

Figure out some general time blocks that you want to use for the items on your list. I like to create an ideal week, with buckets for learning, work with clients, self-care, worship, etc. The Maker of time and energy will lead you into a sense of the rhythm for your week and month. As you get a sense of this rhythm, make sure you create generous time boundaries for things like travel and other transitions. For example, I realized that I can spend several hours in activity with my kids or with clients, but the moment I am by myself, I need at least thirty minutes of recovery time before I can move to the next activity. That thirty minute boundary of reading, listening to music or browsing social media needs to be part of my transition time. Notice your typical trends, own them and honor the time you need by planning for your transitions. That way, they don’t sneak up and hijack your schedule.

4.  SEE CLEARLY.

Even though we plan, stuff happens. Most of the stuff that interferes with our schedule is outside our control, and can create anxiety for us. My husband Isaiah is a worship leader and is responsible for our church’s worship team. Sometimes, team members get sick or are otherwise unable to participate. At a moment’s notice, he can be thrown off schedule. This kind of unexpected thing happens all the time, things that require his response. For Isaiah, and for all of us, knowing when to say yes and when to say no is an act of discernment.

It’s difficult to separate the competing voices and demands when we are anxious and unsettled. The scriptures are right: peace guards our hearts, the place where discernment and intuition reside. It’s often impossible to be clear about what to do without this peace, this knowing and intution you sometimes can’t explain.

THE BOTTOM LINE

So in those moments, when my priorities cannot be determined without my ability to see everything clearly, and that clarity is difficult without peace, then peace is the only priority. This is a tough lesson to grasp, and even tougher to master. The truth is that we don’t effectively align with our priorities and know how to respond to the situations that face us if we aren’t anchored deep down, knowing that we are safe and capable and have access to all the resources we need. A wise friend calls this the ‘non-anxious presence.’ When I allow myself to be present in a non-anxious way, regardless of what’s going on around me, I can see the situations so much clearer, hear the priorities of my heart loudly, and can discern the promptings of the Spirit.

BALANCING

Even though there is no such thing as balance, there is such a thing as balancing, so that we can honor the fact that there is a time for everything. Balancing requires us to work smart, understand and create time for our priorities, and practice peace. If we do these things, we can respond to the daily upheavals with grace, clearly see our current situation, recognize our priorities and respond appropriately to the invitation of the Spirit.

This balancing won’t look the same from day to day, and thank God for that! Life is dynamic. There are no formulas. Only the knowledge that we have access to the One who loves us fully, knows us completely and will guide our moments to create more of His Kingdom on earth gives us balance. Here’s to balancing well for the rest of 2019!

9 Things I Will Teach My Kids About God

* The following article was copied from www.shanepruitt.com.

My wife and I recently welcomed our second child into the world and we couldn’t be more excited. I can’t say that I’m a perfect parent, but I can say that both my wife and I try our hardest show our kids that they are loved, cherished and always welcome to come to us if they need something. There a lot of things about parenting you can’t really prepare for, which is what makes the journey that much more fun. But while my wife and I still have many years of parenting experiences, failures, and victories ahead of us, there are a few things I’ve already decided I will make sure to teach them about God.

1. It’s okay to have doubts.

Growing up I was always indirectly taught by others to never question God’s ways, nor should I doubt his existence and all-mighty power. But the older I became, the more questions I had about God. It was as if doubting was sought as complete disbelief, which in my case was not true at all.

The act of doubting is part of our human nature and an indirect connection with the fall of man. Doubt has been embedded into our inner-being as humans. It’s a natural state. My doubts actually kickstarted my campaign towards becoming closer to God. A lot of things didn’t seem to make sense to me, and my doubts are what led me to begin studying more. Studying God’s Word more brought me closer to him, and being closer to him gave me peace and understanding about who he was.

I want to teach my sons that it’s okay to doubt God, have questions and not completely understand everything God does. God is big enough to handle our doubts, our questions, and our concerns. He’s not afraid of them. He wouldn’t be God if that was so. I don’t want my boys to be afraid to question what’s happening or wave their fists a little. God can handle it. I want to teach my sons to let it all out and get honest with God about what they’re really feeling. Why? Because I trust God to combat their doubts with pure and vibrant understanding.

2. God works in his ways, not ours.

If God answered all of our prayers they the way that we saw fit, our world would be one scary place to live in. Just like any loving parent in this world, God seeks what is best for his children and will constantly contradict our expectations for our own benefit. He knows what’s best and his ways will always be grander than our own. I want my kids to learn that we must let go of our plans and instead grab hold of the will of God. I know this concept is easier said than done, but it will always be worth it in the long run.

God’s plans are perfect because God himself is a perfect Lord. He himself is the almighty assurance of life, guiding us towards the greater good of life; His will. Although God is faithful in his answering of prayer, we cannot expect him to answer every prayer to our exact measurements. Faith is trusting God even when things don’t make sense, and that includes a prayer that we feel may be unanswered or at the wrong time. I want my kids to understand that God works in his perfect timing and not ours.

3. There will be people who disagree with you.

Lord willing my kids will choose a personal relationship with God, not everyone is going to understand why they chose it. There are people in this world who will disagree with their decision to follow Jesus, and there are even people in this world who are killed because of this controversial faith. But although we may find opposition, I want my children to remember that God will always be by our side to provide us with comfort and peace.

Temporary acceptance from the world will never be able to outweigh the importance of eternal acceptance from God. Although they may be mocked and ridiculed, they can stand tall knowing God’s love is on their side regardless of the opposition that faces them. Their destiny is in the hands God, not the opinions of man.

4. God is perfect, but his followers are not.

Growing up I had a lot of resentment towards God, but what I failed to realize is that my resentment was due to the actions of some of his followers, not him. Not everyone who claims to love God is perfect, but we can always rely on God for perfection inside and out. We’re human. We make mistakes. We aren’t always going to do things right. I want my sons to learn how to separate their frustration towards Christians from that of God, understanding that he doesnt always have perfect followers.

I want my kids to understand the difference between God, the perfect creator and his creation, and the imperfect who have a great need for a perfect savior.

5. You’re always welcome home.

No matter how lost you and I may get in this life, God has an open door policy that always provides us with an opportunity to come back home. God’s love always has vacancy. We’ve all made mistakes, but the beauty of the cross is that Jesus died for them. All of them. Your sins have been wiped clean, and your heart has been renewed by the grace of Jesus himself. Your mistakes do not define you. Your failures don’t have to haunt you. Your mishaps don’t need to be accounted for. God forgives you for your mistakes, even if you have yet to forgive yourself

God forgives you for your mistakes, even if you have yet to forgive yourself of them. I want my kids to know that he is always welcome back into the arms of God, no matter how dark their life ever may become.

6. Church is people, not a building.

I want to teach my sons to re-think the way culture has defined the definition of church, as it is not simply just a building that one attends on a weekly basis but instead who one is on a daily basis. I want my boys to take ownership of their faith and be a living example of Christ. We are the church, and we are called to reflect the image of Jesus in our everyday lives.

When we take this reality to heart, every aspect of our lives then becomes a mission field, a space to worship in, and a realm to shine our light in. The world is our canvas and the Holy Spirit wants to use us to create a masterpiece known as The Great Commission. I want my sons to see the church as more than just what cultural-Christianity views it as. I want them to see the beauty of God’s church being practiced through everyday people like themselves.

7. Theology matters because God matters.

I desire for my sons to understand the importance of theology, their comprehension of God, and knowing why they believe what they believe. Yearning to know more about God will come naturally as they grows deeper in relation with him, and taking the time to study God’s Word through a theological mindset will help open their heart and soul to a much deeper appreciation of his being.

Theology alone will not suffice, and nor will passion by itself. I want my sons to see the seriousness of learning more about the God that I pray they choose to call, Lord. Theology matters because God matters.

8. Life isn’t always going to be easy.

The Christian life isn’t always going to be easy or without trial, but God’s promises us he will be alongside us the entire way. So many people think that just because they believe in Jesus means everything is going to be flawless and perfect. This really isn’t the case at all. You may have a relationship with Jesus, but this doesn’t mean life is going to stop moving forward, tough circumstances are going to cease to exist, and rough times will never be a possibility.

Even though Jesus never said life would be easy, he did say he would be there for you in your times of need. The message of The Gospel isn’t that life will be perfect, but that in its imperfection we have a perfect and flawless Savior.

9. Not everything has a black and white answer.

When putting our lives in the hands of God, we must be ready to not understand everything that God does, why he does it, and how long he will do it for. Some things only have one answer; to trust God even if it doesn’t make sense. It may seem like a shallow and cliché’ response, but it’s actually quite the opposite. Trusting God amidst our confusion is a spiritually deepening experience.

God won’t always give us clear and crisp directions. I want my son to trust in God for that in which he cannot see or comprehend with his own mind. I want my kids to use God as their compass in life, directing them every step of the way.

—Jarrid Wilson

This article originally appeared on jarridwilson.com

Hope Boomerangs Back

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“Pray for others that you may be healed,” (James 5:16). These words wouldn’t leave me alone. I really needed some encouragement––a prayer, a note, anything. From somebody. From an “other.” Six months into my Josiah’s autism diagnosis, I was enticed by waves of despair.

I needed someone to listen, to ask about “it,” but more importantly, to really understand. But my usual support system was eerily silent and I felt like we had been relocated to the Island of Misfit Toys. I put on my smile every day, but I was a wreck inside and dismayed that few seemed to pick up on my need.

Life continued to go on all around me—but now our life as we knew it was horribly distorted, disfigured, undone. For the first time, even God seemed distant when I needed Him to be close. I wasn’t so sure He could be trusted with that which I held most dear.

I didn’t have a grid for dealing with an autism declaration paired with repeated blows—“cause unknown, cure unknown, lifelong.” I looked at my beautiful, curly headed two-year-old boy and tried to peer into his foggy future. He had been progressing normally and then just stopped mysteriously, and over a fateful three weeks lost skills and retreated into himself. Society told me to learn to cope. God told me never to give up hope. These two options created an odd emotional and spiritual friction.

It’s now four years since my son was diagnosed with autism. He still doesn’t have functional speech and works very hard to play and learn, but he releases more joy than anyone I know. I’ve learned from him about the power of releasing, and know he will fulfill a powerful destiny.

Something changed in me the day that I took the phrase, “Pray for others that you may be healed,” and started practicing a new way of releasing. I looked for people to pray for. I became observant.

I decided I would stop and pray right then for people who were hurting. I would listen for the tone of their voices when they said they were “fine,” and see if there was more behind their “fine.” When I intentionally gave away the very thing that I needed myself, I was being healed. And the hope and encouragement I needed generously boomeranged back from unexpected places.

This article was originally posted April 13, 2012. A year after this article, Tahni Cullen’s life spun into supernatural mode when at seven years old, her nonverbal autistic son, Josiah, who had never been traditionally taught to read or write, suddenly typed his first independent sentence on an iPad: God is a good gift giver.

As told in her book,Josiah’s Fire, God unlocked Josiah’s spiritual senses to the deep joys of heaven—renewing their hope, joy, and excitement for God’s Word, power, and presence. Josiah’s gems on their Josiah’s Fire Facebook page delight people from around the world with his wise, thought-provoking insights.

Fortnite Facts and Figures

* The following article was copied from www.ministrytoparents.com.

As every parent in 2019 knows, Fortnite is a household name and game.

This multi-platform (PC, Xbox, PlayStation 4, Nintendo, and mobile) and cross-platform (playable for with others on different platforms) game is sweeping not only the nation but the world!

Winners of the 2018 Gaming Awards, Best On-Going Game, and Best Multiplayer Game, this video game is making its way into homes, stores, and screens all over.

Fortnite launched in July of 2017 and has only been picking up steam and momentum.

For example, Fortnite’s creators, Epic Games, posted in June of 2018 that there were 125 million players worldwide and in just five months that number rose to 200 million players as of November of 2018, according to Bloomberg.

These numbers suggest that most families have a Fortnite player they are raising.

Now, let’s focus on the facts and figures of Fortnite and understanding how as a parent you can be informed about the good, the bad, and the ugly of Fortnite.

FORTNITE BRINGS IN THE V-BUCKS

Well, they make more than the in-game currency “V-Bucks”; they are making dollar bills.

Most currently, Epic Games is reporting to make $300 million a month on Fortnite sales.

Fortnite is a free game, but it is the “in-game purchases” that are bringing in so much profit.

A survey of 1,000 Fortnite players reported the following on spending habits within the game:

• 68.8% spend money on Fortnite

• Of those that spend, they spend $85 on average

Here is where the money goes:

• 58.9% on Skins (characters/outfits)

• 18% on Gliders

• 13.5% on Harvesting Tool

• 9.5% on Emotes (dances)

How much time do they spend playing?

• Players spend an average of 8-10hrs per week playing.

• 25.3% of Fortnite players pay for a twitch.tv subscription to watch other people play Fortnite.

Let’s break a few of these things down to put into perspective.

First, these “in-game” purchases are only for appearance sake and give the player no advantage in winning the game.

Yes, all the skins, gliders, emotes, etc. do nothing to help them in the game. This is a difficult concept for older generations to grasp, but for Gen Z these are just as important as winning.

A student’s social status around the game thrives on two things, wins and skins. (Squad wins do not count in this social currency).

When students talk about Fortnite or even play together, they are looking for someone to be envious of their characters “skin” or emote.

It is purely a pride thing for these students. If they can’t impress people with how many wins, then they think, “I’m going to look good playing it.”

For those parents who do not see how the currency exchange happens from US dollars to V-Bucks here is a breakdown:

• $10.00 equals 1,000 V-Bucks

• Most Legendary Skins or Gliders will cost 3,000 V-Bucks

• Epic Skins or Gliders will cost 2,500 V-Bucks.

These are significant purchases happening within a free game.

The second thing to draw attention to is that 25.3% of Fortnite players are paying another service, twitch.tv, to watch other people play the game.

If you are unfamiliar, there are two primary places that you can watch professional and amateur video game players, twitch.tv and YouTube.

Both of these sites allow content providers (gamers) to easily stream LIVE or upload content to share with their audience. twitch.tv allows users to pay a monthly subscription to view any and all of its site’s content.

However, Twitch’s content is mostly Fortnite streamers.

As of June 2018, 49% of Twitch’s content was solely Fortnite.

From the novice and casual gamer, like myself, to the paid and sponsored professional, anyone and everyone who wants to stream the game can.

This brings a new concept to parenting that has not been much of a concern until late – the touchable celebrity. For older generations celebrities from tv and film were untouchable.

I, of course, mean that the viewer never really had a way to interact or connect with them on an on-going basis. Letter writing, fan pages/groups, or going to New York or Hollywood were the only ways to possibly connect with these superstars.

However, since these gaming celebrities are connecting to people through these social media mediums, fans can connect and interact like never before. Following or subscribing to one of these gamers allows you to chat with them and other fans while they play.

Imagine being able to chat with your favorite running back on the sideline after an amazing play or share your feelings about a home run right after it happens.

I use this illustration of an athlete because gaming or eSports is a growing trend and considered by many as an actual sport.

If you don’t think that gaming is a professional sport, you’ll have to take that up to ESPN, who featured Tyler “ninja” Blevins (the most popular Fortnite gamer) on the cover of their magazine on Sept 21st, 2018.

FORTNITE IS PROFESSIONAL

As a parent, you may see your student or hear your student playing this game and think it’s purely a game. However, to them and many others, they may see this as a profession.

Since this game is so easily shared and streamed, Fortnite is a money maker for people who are great at the game or just entertaining to watch.

When it comes to “YouTubers” or “Streamers,” students are not always looking for someone who is fantastic but just entertaining. Students are watching this content more than many popular tv series or Netflix specials.

According to Armchair All Americans, these are the top 5 most popular Fortnite players in the world.

1. Ninja – 12.8 million Twitch subscribers

2. FaZe Tfue – 4.1 million Twitch subscribers

3. TSM Myth – 4.6 million Twitch subscribers

4. TSM Hamlinz – 1.5 million Twitch subscribers

5. FaZe Jaomock – 210,631 Twitch subscribers

Notice that the number of subscribers on Twitch varies. This is evidence of their entertainment value more than win value.

Four of these gamers (2-5) all have a “clan tag” before their name. This means that they play for a specific group, clan, or team and other professional sports teams often own these teams.

For example, “Clutch Gaming” is an eSports team that is owned by the NBA Team, The Houston Rockets.

The professional attention is drawing students in more and more of the possibility to play professionally.

This future possibility grows brighter when Universities and Colleges offer eSport programs and competitive varsity teams on the Division I level – schools such as the University of Oklahoma, University of North Texas, Ohio State University, Boise State University, and many others. Students may be rookies at home but learn to be professionals in school.

In 2019, Fortnite will join the list of eSport Competitive games that will be played on the national and global scale.

Epic Games, Fortnite’s creators, are putting up 100 million in prize money as this game enters the eSports arena. This will be the most substantial prize money offered in eSport competitions to-date.

FORGET FORTNITE

So where do we go from here?

I believe that Fortnite is not a game or even a season in your student’s life that you, as the parent, can bury your head in the sand until it passes; you would be there too long! Instead, we need to lean into it with our student.

Here are a few things that can brighten this picture for any parent.

1. Commitment isn’t lacking.

As a parent, you can look at the amount of time they are spending on Fortnite as an addiction, or you can see it as commitment.

Commitment is a concept that we want our students to grasp — a commitment to the right friends, school-work, their relationship with Jesus, etc. So, as you talk to your student about the game and the time they spend point them to what this type of commitment may look like in other areas of their life.

We want them passionate and committed to the right things and showing them what commitment looks like through this game may help them see what it takes in other areas.

2. They are building more than Forts.

As your student plays this game, they are learning to play with others. It seems a bit silly, but they are playing with others (whether they know them or not), and they have to act and react either positively or negatively to what they do.

Sounds a bit like real-life right?

It may seem strange, but they are learning to interact with others with different worldviews, cultures, and languages.

Spend time with them, watching them play, and discuss the choices and actions they make to have teachable moments with them.

3. Don’t be a noob.

A noob, someone who is just beginning a game or activity, is not what you should be as a parent.

Grab a controller and learn to play. It is clearly a game that, statistically speaking, your student will not mind watching you play, and it will connect the two of you better around this topic.

Meeting our students where they are is just as important in the digital field of play as the real-life field of play is. Your student may not want to throw a football with you but would love watching you play a video game.

Soak up these moments and jump in the game!