Joy in the Chaos

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

My son is asking for a car this Christmas. He’s four. He started asking for one months ago. And I— foolishly—thought it would be an idea that waned with time. Not so much. He gets fixated on things and doesn’t let go. Which can only mean one thing. Christmas morning is sure to be a little disappointing for my boy.

He is his mother’s son. I can relate. I have a long history of being a bit of a wreck on Christmas. I love anticipation, hype, excitement. But I hate the letdown. And every Christmas, with big hopes and expectations, comes the potential for big let down.

Growing up, it would be over not getting the right toy, size or style. As I’ve gotten older, the let downs are more significant. I’m sure many of you can relate. It seems Christmastime is when the gap is the greatest between the expectation of how things should be and the reality of how things are. It’s a season of hope often followed by a twinge of disenchantment.

It’s hectic family gatherings that require more emotional stability and grace than you feel equipped to handle.

It’s unresolved tensions that result in icy silence or fiery explosions.

It’s childhood magical dreams subtly morphing into incessant demands.

It’s the sense of loss…
of the spouse who isn’t there.
the children who aren’t coming home.
the parents whose absence feels more acute and intense than any other time of the year.

It should be peaceful. Joyful. Hopeful. Magical. And yet, for many, it simply isn’t.

The tension lies in wanting to reclaim the season we want in light of the season we have.

But what if making that happen didn’t have to involve a life renovation? Lewis Smedes writes, “Joy is gratitude,” meaning.

Joy is accessible.
Joy doesn’t have to be a scarcity.
It isn’t happiness.
It isn’t perfection.
It isn’t pretending things aren’t how they really are. It isn’t pasted on smiles and selective memory or hearing. And it’s not just “holding it together.”

Joy is gratitude for what is right even when so much isn’t.

We can be joyful. Because we can be grateful, even in all the difficulty that Christmas may bring. Do we want to un-complicate Christmas?

Then let’s get back to the basics. Look for the good. Look for the right. Look for a reason—any reason at all—to be grateful. Don’t worry about bringing joy to the whole world, but work at bringing joy enough to your world.

Our schedules may be busy.

Our families may be dysfunctional.

Our kids—as hard as we are working to ensure otherwise—may appear to be missing the point of Christmas all together.

But despite all that may be working against us, we have the opportunity to set the tone in a season that was intended to remind us of how involved our God is—at all times. Let’s first be thankful for that.

Deitrich Bonhoeffer wrote a book of Christmas reflections simply called “God Is In The Manger”. In my opinion, I’m not sure he needed to write much more beyond the title. Because that just about sums it up as neatly and beautifully as possible.

The God who made it all, entered it all.
The God behind it all, included us all.
God is in the manger, and all may not be right in the world, but enough is right in the world. 

Yes, joy is gratitude. And we can be grateful that regardless of how we feel over the coming weeks, the unshakable reality is that God showed up 2,000 years ago.

If we refuse to rush through that, if we insist on embracing the miracle that already was in the first Christmas, we may be surprised with a miracle all our own—discovering that though our reality fall short of our deeply felt desires, our joy doesn’t have to.

Your Teenager Needs Discipleship

* The following podcast is from www.thegospelcoalition.org.

Click here to listen to a great podcast about discipling your teen.

The Opposite of Gratitude

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I’m not sure how to make anyone feel grateful. My parents told me that I should be grateful a number of times, but telling me to be grateful didn’t make me feel grateful. Honestly, there were times that I felt guilty because I didn’t feel gratitude.  I actually thought something was wrong with me. Why didn’t I feel grateful when I should feel grateful? Then at some point I grew up and made a simple discovery. “The emotion of feeling grateful doesn’t happen naturally. It is a result of the deliberate choice of demonstrating gratitude.” In other words, you don’t show gratitude because you feel grateful, you feel grateful because you show gratitude.

I know it may surprise you if I say I have a selfish nature. Are you shocked? For those of you who are pure in all of your motives and never struggle with your egos, I am sure you are disappointed in me. But I have struggled with the issue of selfishness for a while, ever since I was born.

So for me, gratefulness is basically the result of overcoming some attitudes that can get buried deep in my human nature. These are attitudes that are the opposite of gratitude. If they go unchecked, they can result in a self-centered and frustrating lifestyle.

The “Never Enough” Attitude

This attitude is about our love affair with stuff, and our habit of being consumed with a materialistic mindset. It’s the trap of thinking that our happiness is connected to what we have, not who we are. We may tend to put more value on our things than we do our relationships. It is the reason why your children can get mad because they didn’t get popcorn when you just took them to the movie. We live in a culture that fuels this attitude, and it has the potential to crowd out living simple and grateful lives.

The “I Deserve It” Attitude

It’s easy to start believing that we automatically deserve things. It can happen to an individual, or a nation. It’s just the natural progression of a society that raises children who get whatever they want. Over time, there is a tendency to start believing that you deserve everything that you have. Think about it. Why should you be grateful for something that you are entitled to have? Why should you be grateful for a job that doesn’t pay you what you think you are worth? Why should you be grateful for your car when so many people you know are driving one better? We are programmed to believe that we deserve the best.

The “It’s All About Me” Attitude

Maybe you were raised in the kind of “child-centered” home that convinced you everything exists for you. It’s easy to grow up and embrace the notion that the entire planet somehow revolves around you and your issues. It rarely occurs to you that you should consistently sacrifice and put other people’s needs before your own needs. It is also difficult to comprehend that you have probably benefitted in numerous ways, because others have invested or sacrificed to help you.

The Attitude of Gratitude

The point is all of these attitudes can sabotage your potential to be grateful. And more than likely you can’t “feel” your way out of them. You have to take specific action. You have to become intentional about showing gratitude if you hope to become a grateful person:

• If you want to battle the “never enough” attitude, you have to become a person who buys less and gives more.

• If you want to get over the “I deserve it” attitude you should do your job diligently, celebrate the small things, keep your expectations in check.

• What about the “it’s all about me” attitude? Well you can start by making a list this Thanksgiving of all the people that have made small and big differences in your life. Then write one person a note, or make a call every week to say, “Thank you” for what they have done in your life. You could also schedule some time to help someone else. Make sure it’s someone who can’t do anything for you in return. We’ve also got some free Gratitude Cards to help you get started!

Remember, you will never be grateful until you do something about showing gratitude.

Busting Myths About Teen Girl Anxiety

* The following article was copied by www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

If you’re concerned about the rise in teenage stress and anxiety levels, you’re not alone.

Teenagers themselves are concerned.

Whether or not they personally experience anxiety and depression, 7 in 10 teenagers view both as major problems among their peers. According to this same recent survey of 13- to 17-year-olds conducted by the Pew Research Forum, young people’s concern about their peers’ mental health cuts across diverse ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic lines.

In our work at the Fuller Youth Institute, I rarely go a day without hearing about, reading about, being asked about, or grieving over teenage anxiety and depression.

The crisis seems to be experienced more powerfully and prevalently by US girls. In Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, researcher, therapist, and parent Lisa Damour highlights the intensity of the crisis for adolescent girls:

• Between 2005 and 2014, the percentage of teenage girls experiencing depression increased from 13 to 17 percent. During the same time period, that statistic moved from 5% to 6% for boys.

• A larger portion of 13- to 17-year-old girls report feeling tense or nervous every day or “almost” every day (36% for girls vs. 23% for boys).

• Overall almost one-third of girls and women (31%) experience symptoms of anxiety, compared to 13% of boys and young men.

I am a woman, Dave and I are raising two girls, and I care deeply about—and work proactively to—help females of all ages reach their God-given potential. So I devoured Under Pressure in one recent long plane flight.

Based largely on the research sprinkled throughout Under Pressure as well as my growing understanding of the information and experiences underlying adolescent mental health challenges, I think it’s important to bust four major myths. As parents, leaders, and mentors, these myths hinder us from empathizing with, and bringing support and freedom to, the girls we are raising, mentoring, and serving.

Myth #1: Stress and anxiety are bad.

Without stress and anxiety, you and I likely wouldn’t be alive today. Neither would the girls we care about. Stress and anxiety are triggered by what we perceive to be dangerous situations (e.g., a car is coming right at me) that activate our “fight-or-flight” response. Our adrenaline and heart rate increase and oxygen rushes to our muscles as we prepare to either face the potential danger or run away. Anxiety is an essential alarm system, but it can run us ragged when it spins out of control.

Girls’ struggles increase when they disregard the warning signs their brains and bodies are giving them, and are conditioned either covertly or overtly to feel anxious about their anxiety, and stressed about their stress. In fact, while Damour used to work with clients to try to keep anxiety from being their “first response,” she now often doesn’t try to fight that battle. Instead, she works with them on more generative and helpful “second responses.” In other words, even if a girl initially experiences physical or emotional symptoms of anxiety, helping her figure out what to do next may be more healthy and productive than trying to get her to “stop” that initial anxious response.

Myth #2: Stress and anxiety are basically the same.

Both are psychologically uncomfortable, but “stress” is typically a feeling of emotional tension or mental strain while “anxiety” is the fear, dread, or panic that often follows the stress. We can better aid our girls when we help them identify their initial causes of stress, and distinguish those from their subsequent anxiety. That way they can pinpoint what first causes unease and separate that cause from their body and mind’s strong reaction.

Myth #3: Stress is mostly a result of major tragedy and trauma.

The reality is that any change can create stress—even “positive” change. That’s why psychologists often sort stress into three distinct domains, the first of which is life events. Tragedy and major trauma fall into this domain, but so do other “good” life events, like getting a coveted role in a play, joining a sports team, or attending a new school.

The second domain is called daily hassles. For our teenage girls (and really, for all of us), these add up. In fact, one study examining the effect of major negative life events (such as the death of a loved one) found that it was actually the amount of daily hassles that resulted from the major life event that correlated with the degree of emotional upheaval, not the major loss itself.

The third domain, chronic stress, often results when basic life circumstances are consistently difficult. Living in a dangerous community, caring for a sick family member, or relentless achievement pressure are common forms of chronic stress faced by teenage girls.

Too often, those of us who are trying to support girls have an internal radar that is most closely attuned to only one type of stressor: life events. And even then, we are usually more focused on “negative” life events than “positive” life events, and we disregard the cumulative effect of daily hassles and chronic stress altogether. This lack of attention ultimately hurts our girls.

Myth #4: Girls’ anxiety comes from the same source as boys’.

When it comes to the pressures teens face, academics tops the list: 61% of teens say they feel significant pressure to get good grades. While boys typically view school with more confidence, girls view grades as a telling measure of what they can achieve and thus take grades more personally, often making them more anxious about school.

The second greatest source of stress, which is “the pressure to look good” and is reported by 29% of teenagers overall, is more likely to be felt by teenage girls than boys (35% for girls compared with 23% of boys). 

The third greatest source of stress, which is fitting in socially, is experienced by 28% of teenagers overall. Social media exacerbates that peer pressure to fit in; one recent study revealed that teenagers who view social media images of peers seeming “happy and pretty” experience lower self-esteem. Given their greater social media usage, girls, more than boys, are more prone to suffering from these online social comparisons.

When we understand the misconceptions about stress and anxiety, we are more effectively equipped to raise, mentor, and serve healthy and confident young women.

Helping Your Kids Navigate Their 27 Different Emotions

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Have you ever found yourself in tears for no real reason? Or have you ever been so frustrated that you wanted to throw something? (Maybe you even did!) Or have you ever woken up one morning with an overwhelming sense of anxiety but couldn’t quite pinpoint what exactly you’re so worried about?

27 Different Emotions

Studies say that we have at least twenty-seven different, distinct emotions. Twenty-seven. Maybe that surprises you. Maybe you’re a fairly even-tempered, steady person who doesn’t experience super high highs or super low lows. Or, maybe you believe that stat because you’ve lived it. Maybe you’ve had twenty-seven emotions since you woke up today.

Either way, the fact is that humans are capable of feeling a lot. A lot quantity-wise and a lot depth-wise.

Have you ever stopped to think about how your kid is (or isn’t) navigating their twenty-seven emotions? Imagine being six years old and waking up with an uneasy feeling in your tummy and not really knowing what it’s all about. You don’t even know the word anxiety—much less the source of your discomfort.

That’s the situation some of our kids find themselves in—experiencing a wide range of emotions and not having the context, life-experience, or even the language to talk about them.

There are a few simple steps you can take as a parent to help them navigate their variety of emotions and process what they’re feeling.

1. First, Recognize the moment.

Whether or not your kid expresses their emotions openly, they’re definitely experiencing them. If you have a more reserved child, knowing when they’re feeling emotional may require you to observe changes in their behavior. Are they more quiet than normal? Have less of an appetite? Are they sleeping significantly more or less? Be a student of your kid and keep a pulse on when they’re not quite themselves.

2. Then, Remove them from the source.

Tell your kid that it’s okay to respectfully walk away from a situation or person before they take action on how they’re feeling. Give them permission to go into the other room and scream into a pillow. Walking away helps them take control of their emotions.

3. Next, Tell them to breathe.

It is scientifically proven that you will be incapable of thinking until you get blood and air back to certain parts of your brain once the adrenaline of a particularly emotional moment moves it elsewhere. Tell your kid to take deep breaths in and out until they seem calmer or more stable.

4. Then, Help them name it.

You can’t manage your emotions if you don’t know what you actually feel. Create a feelings chart so they can easily and visually determine what they’re feeling. Or, if they already know how they’re feeling, give them a sliding scale to rate it. For example, How angry are you? From “a little mad” to “ready to scream your head off”? Or, Are you more sad or less sad than that time it rained out your birthday party?

It may seem silly, but giving them context for what they’re feeling will help your kid weigh and process the levity of their current emotional state.

5. Finally, Refocus.

Give them a next step in addressing their emotion. If they’re bummed about failing their math test, suggest the two of you sit down and look at the incorrect responses to see where they went wrong. If they’re mad that their sister got a playdate and they didn’t, get out the family calendar and make a suggestion for the next time they get to have a friend over. Don’t solve their problem—just redirect their focus.

The most important thing you can do when it comes to helping kids navigate their emotions is to communicate that all emotions—even ones that make us uncomfortable are okay. There is no “bad” or “wrong” way to feel—only unwise or hurtful ways to respond.

Reassure them that what they’re feeling is temporary, but that the way you feel about them will never, ever change.

5 Ways to Build Rapport with the Leaders in Your Kid's Life

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Lots of relationships in life come without a manual. How exactly do people learn to . . .

· Be a good spouse?

· A good student?

· A good parent?

· A good coffee-shop customer?

Without any instruction, you can wonder “am I doing this right?” And just like all of those, it can be hard to know how to relate to the leaders in your kid’s life. Maybe your child is in a small group at a church or in a Sunday school class. Maybe you’re thinking of a teacher or a coach.

What do you say?

Do you offer to show up?

Is that weird?

The truth is having a good relationship with your kid’s small group leader, or any leader in their life, is tricky. It will look different at every age, with every kid, and with every leader. But, as a long-time small group leader, I can tell you there are a few tricks to build rapport with your kid’s leader,  ensuring that relationship is a good one.

1. Introduce yourself.

Let’s just be honest. Meeting people is awkward. None of us are good at it. And on top of that, meeting a parent can be really intimidating, especially if you aren’t a parent yourself. That’s why one of the kindest things you can do is take the pressure off by introducing yourself first. Ask for coffee. Shoot them a text.

However you do it, your kid’s leader will be grateful you made the first move.

2. Ask questions without questioning.

Not everything your kid’s small group does will make sense. If they’re little, they may come home smelling like glue and still shaking off the glitter. If they’re older, you may pick them up from camp with a bad attitude, a sleepy face, and the distinct smell of Doritos and energy drinks. So it’s natural to wonder what in the WORLD that group is doing. And good news . . . it’s okay to ask!

Most of the time your kid’s leader wishes you knew just how much is going on in your kid’s group and how they’re growing. But just like every question, tone is key. Even if you aren’t sure an activity was wise or helpful, try to ask questions about what happened and why before asking questions like, “what were you thinking?”

Even if they make mistakes, the person leading your kid’s group is pouring out a lot of their time and energy and attention because they love your kid. And that alone is a good reason to assume the best intentions, even while asking about something that doesn’t make sense.

3. Honor the relationship.

Your kid’s small group leader is not your kid’s playmate. They’re your kid’s leader. Chances are they’ve been through some training on working with kids this age. As a leader, they handle a lot of responsibility both for the physical safety and the spiritual health of a whole group of kids. And even if they’re younger than you—by a lot, even if they are just a teenager themselves—to your kid they are a trusted adult. And it’s important to talk TO them and ABOUT them that way.

In doing so, you not only build trust with the leader (after all, nobody wants to be talked down to), but you also teach your child that their leader is a trustworthy person and what they’re saying matters.

4. Say thanks.

Is there anything better than a thank-you note? Why, yes. Yes there is. It’s called a gift card. Especially as your kid gets older, their leader may be investing more than you realize in their future. Giving rides, showing up every week, taking vacation days to go to camp, and more vacation days for weekend retreats, staying up to answer late-night texts, and showing up at sporting events all come at a price.

So why not refill their (coffee, gas, emotional) tank with a thank-you note and a gift card?

5. Offer to help.

The mantra of a great small group leader is “make it happen.” But making the magic happen is far easier when someone comes alongside you to offer rides, make snacks, host an overnight, plan the service project, or organize and communicate with the other parents. If you aren’t sure what to offer, simply send your kid’s leader the list above and says something like this, “Hey, I read this article that said these were some ways to help out the leaders in your kid’s life. Would any of those be helpful to you? If so, I’m happy to jump in!” Even if the leader says they have everything covered, they will appreciate you asking.

So, what can you do this week to start building a little more rapport with the leaders who are investing in your kid’s lives week after week?

You Are Not Your Child's Sin

* The following article was copied from www.thegospelcoalition.com.

Do you have one of “those” kids? Every family should have at least one. They humble you. They break the mold of the family, and usually their parents at the same time.

A while back, I was at a three-day training in the summer. They had day camps for my kids to attend while I was at the training. Since it was about six hours from home, I rented an Airbnb, left my husband to his work, and drove all the kids out there by myself.

The Incident

Once I got everyone fed after the first day, one of my kids told me about “an incident” that happened that day with one of my other kids. He’d had one of his meltdowns, something we hadn’t seen in a while. He had thrown a chair, and there was yelling and crying.

Of course, there can be many reasons for a child’s meltdown, some even outside the child’s control. A sin-warped world—in which children often experience tiredness, immaturity, past trauma, illness, and developmental challenges—may contribute to a meltdown just as much as ill intent. But, whatever the root cause, it is not okay to throw chairs and scare other children.

The child who came to me was embarrassed by what her brother had done, and she didn’t want to tattle, but she thought I needed to know.

The next morning, as I dropped off my kids at their classrooms, I dropped off the one with the incident last. I wanted to speak with his teacher and make sure everything was okay. She was busy checking kids in, so I stepped back and waited. I was then approached by the superviser of the day camps.

“So, we had an incident yesterday.”

“Yes, one of my kids told me about it.”

She proceeded to tell me the details, and let me know how they responded, and how the day ended. In my mind, they had done everything right, but I was scared she was going to tell me that he couldn’t come anymore. This child got kicked out of things often enough, and I needed this training. It felt like a non-negotiable for my family.

“I’m so, so, so very sorry,” I stammered out.

Set Free

This woman looked at me and cocked her head with questioning eyes. “Why are you sorry? You weren’t even there. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your son did. I just need to make sure that he agrees to our code of conduct before returning to class.”

Her statement caught me off guard—I had never heard those words in my 14 years of parenting. They struck deep. I bit my lip. My face got hot, and to my embarrassment, I started crying. A pent-up dam was released. As a mom of six children, I hear it all. “Control your kids.” “Your kid shouldn’t be doing that.” “Keep an eye on your kid.”

Her statement caught me off guard—I had never heard those words in my 14 years of parenting.

The worst is when I hear these messages spoken passive-aggressively about other parents, and then I internalize them. When kids act up in public it’s: “Some parents just don’t discipline.” “Some parents just don’t teach boundaries.” “No one teaches manners anymore.” “Parents just need to learn to say ‘no.’”

While all that might be true, I get so weary of people thinking I’m the cause of my children’s sinful nature. I must not be trying hard enough. If I just parented them better, they wouldn’t deal with sin anymore.

That’s a weight that suffocates parents today.

Sufficient Savior

Even though I knew Jesus took my sin, I still bore the burden of my children’s sin. I mentally, emotionally, and often physically bore the weight of it. God deals with my sin, therefore I should deal with my kids’ sin. I’m God’s ambassador to them, after all.

Yes, but I am not the Savior.

Even though I knew Jesus took my sin, I still bore the burden of my children’s sin.

Whenever I think back to that conversation, I’m reminded that I’m not built to bear my kids’ sin. There is only One strong enough to bear the guilt of others, and his name is Jesus. That sweet woman in charge of those day camps made that clear to me.

Parents, take on the light yoke of pointing your children to Jesus. Your role as a parent does involve discipline. It does involve being an ambassador. It does involve prayer, training, and correction. But it does not involve bearing some kind of “righteous guilt” over what they have done.

Teach your children right from wrong (the law). Teach them also what God has done for our wrong, and what that means for us (the gospel).

Jesus bore the weight of sin on the cross. He alone is the weight-bearer, and what a relief his strength is—especially on our worst days.

What's Worrying Our Girls

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

What’s Worrying our Girls

By nature, girls want to please. Girls define themselves against a backdrop of relationship. Feeling known and loved is crucial. So to say something that might sound crazy or weird, or might make others reject them, can feel like a terrible risk. You might not like me anymore, they think. Even more than that, you might not love me. You might think I’m crazy. Maybe I am . . .

And so the thought that should be a flash gets stuck. It becomes what I refer to daily in my offices as the one-loop roller coaster at the fair. The thought goes around and around and around in the quiet of kids’ heads and becomes deafening.

The Worry Monster

I feel sick. I’m going to throw up.
 I can’t go to school. No one there likes me.
 I have to check and recheck this until I get it right. I can’t mess up. A little fear becomes a big worry. And that worry loops around and around and around . . . until it feels a lot like a gigantic, catastrophic, insurmountable monster of anxiety. We’ll call him the Worry Monster.

In her worries, your daughter often feels alone. She doesn’t know that others feel the same way, because it’s too scary to put her worries into words. Maybe people won’t like her. Or they’ll think she’s weird. So she thinks she’s the only one and that something is wrong with her.

This isn’t unusual. When something goes wrong in a girl’s world, she usually blames herself. (Boys are much more likely to blame someone else, such as Mom. Sorry, moms.)

How Parents Can Help

It doesn’t help that we adults often don’t know she’s battling a worry monster. We only see her tears. Or anger. Or hear the endless questions. Her outsides don’t match her insides, and her worries come out sideways through a whole host of other emotions. We don’t understand. Neither does she.

The more she listens to the tricks the Worry Monster tries to play on her, the stronger he gets. But the more we learn about her Worry Monster, the weaker he gets.

When your daughter has a little help, a lot of empowerment, and a foundational faith, worries don’t have to carry the same power in her life.

It’s how you and she respond that makes the difference. Our goal is to understand fear, move through worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

Understand the fear, move through the worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

When Worry Turns Into Anxiety

Worry turns into anxiety for a variety of reasons. Trauma can cause a child who worries to develop anxiety. Genetics can, as well. Personality, environment, life circumstances, and a whole host of factors can cause a child who worries to become a child with anxiety. As I said, fears pass with time, experience, and trust. Worries come and go, for all of us. But anxiety, left untreated, only gets worse.

With anxiety, we’ve got a really wide scope. It’s not “of” or “about” something. It’s “I have” or “I am.”

It’s a state of being: “I have anxiety,” “I am anxious.” And sadly, this state often comes to define us or the kids we love. In all my years of counseling, I’ve never had so many girls give me “I am” statements as they have about anxiety in the past five or so years.

Just as there is a continuum from fear to anxiety, there is also a continuum within anxiety itself.

Anxiety looks different on different girls. It varies in intensity and expression.

Girls with anxiety overestimate the threat and underestimate themselves and their ability to cope. The worst-case scenario becomes a normal life perspective.

Another primary factor of anxiety is that anxiety is born out of fear but has a response that is disproportionate to the fear itself.

understand fear, move through worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

CLICK TO TWEET

Why Her?

Maybe you’ve noticed that your daughter seems to have more fears than her friends do. Maybe she talks often about worst-case scenarios. Maybe her teacher has mentioned anxiety. Or your girl has. Whatever the situation, I know you want your daughter to feel braver, stronger, and smarter. You want her to have a faith that brings her peace and comfort. But, right now, it’s not happening. The Worry Monster seems to have a bigger voice than she does. And, because her Worry Monster is in control, your Worry Monster is starting to turn up the volume with you.

I got a text from a friend this week who knew I was working on this book. “Here’s the deal,” she said. “We want to know:

1. How we can help our kids, and

2. What we did to cause this problem. We’re all feeling a lot of mom guilt over here.”

I do not want you to be reading this with, or out of, mom guilt or dad guilt or anyone guilt. If your daughter is a worrier or has anxiety, I know you may be asking yourself, “Why her?” She is very likely asking herself, “Why me?”

Let me tell you what I say to every girl facing anxiety: “You feel this way because you’re really great. The smartest, most conscientious, try-hard, care-about-things girls I know are the ones who struggle with anxiety. It’s honestly because you’re awesome. You care so much, and that’s the bottom line of why you worry.”

I’m serious, let’s start there. The girls I see who live with anxiety are some of the most hardworking, caring, intentional, kind, brilliant girls I know. Things matter to them. Everything matters to them, which can make life hard. And it can make it hard to know when or how to turn that kind of care off.

The smartest, most conscientious, try-hard, care-about-things girls I know are the ones who struggle with anxiety.

She’s Not Alone

Also, it’s helpful for her to know she’s in good company. I tell girls that anxiety is the primary mental health problem among children and teens. Not that I would use that the phrase “mental health” in my office with girls themselves, necessarily.

But it does help her a lot to know she’s not the only one struggling. I explain it more like, “I talk to girls every day who worry more than they wish they would. They have trouble turning those good brains of theirs off, and so they have lots of looping thoughts.

And believe me, I have heard girls say they’re worried about everything you can imagine. There is nothing you could say that would surprise me or make me think less of you.”

Growing With Parent Podcast

Drs. Kara Powell and Steve Argue coauthored the book Growing With: Every Parent’s Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in Their Faith, Family and Future. Join Kara and Steve as they have real conversations with thoughtful parents about the ups and downs of parenting adolescents and emerging adults.

Click here to go to their podcast page.

Making Your Home a Sanctuary for Your Family

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

One of my favorite movie scenes is from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. In this scene, the city is burning all around because the minister of justice is trying to capture a gypsy woman to burn her at the stake. But the hunchback, who has been held prisoner inside the church his entire life, turns his prison into a safe haven after he swoops down and rescues the innocent woman.

The hunchback stands with the woman held high in his arms over his head. Her limp body drapes over his hands like the shape of a cross, and he yells out with all his might to the crowds below, “Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Sanctuary!”

That’s the kind of passion we should have about making our homes a place of peace and safety—a respite for the weary souls of those who live there and those who visit.

That’s not an easy task in today’s fast-paced society. Many people only come home long enough to sleep, and then they are off again—trying to attend all the meetings and extra-curricular activities every night after working all day. Home is more like a pit stop than a place of rest—run to the bathroom, warm up some cold fried chicken, grab a caffeine-infused drink, and rush off to the next stop.

A place that fosters peace

But home doesn’t have to be that way. Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29).  Even God rested from His work of creation (Genesis 2:3). The day of rest was consecrated, and we were commanded to take a Sabbath. If God rests, how much more should we? Home should be a place that fosters peace, not chaos.

With a little effort, we can make our homes a sanctuary—the place we come to be safe from the world—a place of peace, rest, and safety for you and your spouse and your kids. Here are some ways to create the setting.

1. Fill your home with grace.

Everyone is going to make mistakes. Everyone needs to be treated better than he or she deserves. Let home be the place where you seek out the good in others. Psalm 34:14 says, “. . . Seek peace and pursue it.” Look for ways peace and grace can abound.

Work out problems that linger, and learn to let little things go. Yes, there are going to be punishments and discipline, but let the tone of your home be love first. Let it exude forgiveness, kindness, and mercy.

2. Filter what messages come into your home.

What do your children watch on television? How are the attitudes of the characters they admire? What do your children see on their computers? Do you know what kinds of kids do they associate with at school? These are the kinds of influences that can change the attitude of your family members. You can’t eliminate every bad influence, but you can keep aware and identify the problem areas.

For example, one of my children was having outbursts of anger. I started evaluating his influences, and it became clear that every time he was allowed to play video games on the smart phone, he was markedly more irritated and aggressive. There was nothing wrong with his video games. They weren’t violent or inappropriate in any way, but for his personality type, the games made him irritable.

So they had to go. After just a few days, he was like a new child. I’ve taken the games away permanently so that our family, including my son, can be at peace.

3. Don’t overload your schedule.

More and more studies are coming out about how busyness actually harms kids. They need time just to be kids—to build forts in the backyard, draw and create, and use their imaginations. Those things are much more important than being on sports teams all year long or signing up for every available church activity.

There’s nothing wrong with participating in local activities from time to time, but it shouldn’t be a way of life. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” I’m not sure what causes the pressure that insists “good parents put their kids in as many activities as possible,” but that simply isn’t true.

Your kids need down time at home. I’m amazed at how much my kids want to be at home. They prefer to eat at home, play at home, and relax at home. When we have a free Saturday, I’m ready to go somewhere, but the kids want to do nothing but enjoy being at home.

4. Emphasize prayer and give permission to talk about fears and anxieties.

Sometimes the battle in your home can be in the hearts of its occupants. Internal strife can affect the entire household, and conversely, when kids and spouses feel the freedom to communicate their hurts and fears, they are set free. They know someone cares; someone is willing to shoulder their burdens and be there for them.

And those burdens should also be taken to the Lord. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Through prayer, your kids will know how they can live in peace even in the midst of turmoil.

In my house, I spend time with the little ones every night and ask them to tell me their best and worst parts of the day. Then I ask them if there’s anything they need to talk about. Sometimes I know they’ve had a bad day, and I ask about the situations specifically, even the hard questions. Then we pray about it. The kids have learned where to go with their troubled hearts, even when Mom can’t fix it.

Don’t make it complicated

Making your home a sanctuary shouldn’t be complicated. It doesn’t take special Bible studies, highlighters, group activities, or calendars. Throw away all the thoughts in your head that say, Good parents take their kids to . . . or My neighbor’s kids are so cultured. Maybe I should . . .

Your kids do have needs, but they look more like this: grace, unplanned time, space to grow, guidance, and unconditional love. It’s not complicated, but in this world, it’s also not easy. Let me challenge you to make your home a place of peace—a sanctuary. Then make time to enjoy that safe space with your family and friends.

Something To Remember When You Feel Anxious as a Parent

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

There’s something about becoming a parent that activates anxiety in many of us.

For me, it happened when we were leaving the hospital with each kid (I have three). Adding an additional passenger or two or three to our ride increased the stakes tenfold. I became hyper aware of not only my own driving, but also ever other car around us and every bump in the road.

Of course it didn’t end there.
There were moments when nothing seemed to calm a crying infant.
Or the time I lost one of my twin boys in Walmart.
Or when they get on the bus for the first time.
Or go play at a friend’s house.
Or try out for something new.
Or go to a dance.
Or have a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Or drive a car.
Or start a job.

All of these moments are a normal part of parenting, but that doesn’t always mean we handle them well.

They feel big. Overwhelming to some of us.

And depending on our own past experiences or fears, we can add extra weight to each of these moments.

Also the less control we have over a situation, the more anxious some of us can become. (Oh, how I envy you “roll-with-the-punches” parents.)

And the older your kids get, the less control you have.

You can’t control every conversation or every interaction when they go to school, like you could when they were on the playground.

You can’t control every decision or environment.

So you have to remember to do one thing that is so incredibly hard when you feel anxious. (I’m even reluctant to type it because I know there are instances where it might fail.)

But here it is . . . you have to trust.

You have to trust your kid. Even though he or she may blow it.
And you have to trust God. Even if the outcome may look different than you think it should.

Because there’s a bigger story happening.
There is a shaping and molding of your child to become the adult they need to be.

And there’s a shaping and molding of you becoming the kind of parent you need to be both now, and to your future adult child.

There will be some things that feel really big that bring on your anxiety. And sometimes they are.
But there will also be some things that in hindsight really weren’t.

But through it all, we can experience peace. Because no matter how big the moment feels, there is a hope and a story that is bigger than what is happening in the moment.

Growing With - Book and Resources

“Sticky Faith” and “Growing With” are a few great books and accompanying resources that help parents be on the journey of life and faith WITH our kids. The Fuller Youth Institute has tons of materials and resources that are so helpful to parents. Check out some of the resources below:

Growing With Podcast

Other Growing With Resources

Sticky Faith Resources

Tell Me More: 8 Questions to Ask Your High School Freshman

*The following article was copied from www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

All three of our kids went to the same school from kindergarten through eighth grade. We had nine great years with the same kids and families through elementary and middle school.

Which made the process of making new friends in ninth grade especially jarring … for me. 

Our kids did just fine. 

I was the one riddled with anxiety and insecurity. Especially with Nathan, our oldest. When I picked him up those first few late August days at his new high school, I was eager to hear who he had lunch with, who he sat next to in class, and who he thought might become a real friend.

Truth be told, I was far too eager. 

While I didn’t realize it then, I was vicariously re-living my own teenage hunger to be accepted and validated through my ninth grader. Subconsciously, I hoped that if Nathan received a stamp of approval from the popular kids, that would somehow reverberate three decades into my past and make my teenage self feel more welcomed and valued.

It mattered far more to me than to Nathan how his friendships were unfolding. As a result, I asked him question after question about his new friends. And hardly anything about his new teachers, extracurricular activities, and anxieties. 

I don’t think I’m the only parent tempted to relive their own adolescent fears when their kid approaches a new phase. The danger is, by magnifying one part of our child’s experience, we run the risk of missing the rest.

There are all sorts of ways we might struggle to talk with our kids as they navigate the freshman experience. To help you nurture conversations that grow with both of you, we want to give you eight key questions to spark great dialogue with your ninth grader.

How to use these questions

Please don’t ask all these questions at once. 

Please don’t robotically repeat them at the same time (e.g., at every breakfast, or every ride home from school, or at every dinner).

Instead, look for the right times, the right places, and most importantly, the right mood to raise them—one at a time—over the next few months. That probably means a variety of times and places. In fact, you could inject these questions into a conversation you’re already having to help the discussion go deeper. If your child is talking about tension with a friend, that’s your springboard to ask a few deeper questions about friendship. If they seemed stressed about school, that’s your open door to talk about homework anxiety and an academic plan. 

So, look for creative and organic opportunities to prompt the following eight conversations this year.

8 conversations starters

1. When it comes to your classes, what (if anything) are you anxious about? How can I best support you to help you get the time and focus you need to accomplish your goals?

2. What did you learn about friendship in middle school? How does that affect the type of friendships you hope to develop in this next season?

3. Now that you’re in high school, what sort of new independence and freedom might you like to try? How can you, in partnership with our family, determine whether you’re ready for that?

4. What do you like about how we communicate as a family? What do you wish was different? How do you think you might better communicate with the rest of us?

5. What are your gifts, talents, and passions? How would you like to try these out in extracurricular activities and leadership roles in the next few years?

6. Who are a few adults that you’d like to spend more time with? What do you like about them, and what might you want to learn from them?

7. What new struggles might pop up for you in high school? Who is someone older than you that you can talk with about those temptations? How can I help?

8. What helps your relationship with God grow the most these days? How can we make sure you get plenty of time to explore those connections with God at church and elsewhere?

Be ready to share your own answers to these questions, both for when you were in high school and perhaps even now—especially for the last questions about your own faith growth. While you may have to resist the urge to begin with “When I was your age,” let your child peek behind your faith curtain to understand why it’s so important to you to attend your weekly small group, go on your evening run, or spend time gardening and praying on Saturday mornings.

Your high schooler is ready to see you not just as a parent but as a person. Open, authentic conversations in which you both ask and answer questions will help you make that shift.

Why Take Your Kids to Church?

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.org.

Nap schedules, feedings, teething, separation anxiety, sickness, sports—when your kids are young, it seems like everything is working against your ability to attend church. Many Sundays, it seems much easier to just stay home.

Is going to church worth it? Absolutely. Even if you have to spend most of the service in the “cry room” with your baby, here’s why you should make regular church participation a part of your family culture from the get-go.

Your kids will see you prioritize church.

Church participation is not an area where you want to use your “do as I say, not as I do” card. Growing up, I knew we were going to church every Sunday. My parents were leaders in the church, and it was never a question, it was just a part of our family rhythm.

This made it a no-brainer for me once I moved away from home. As parents, you have the opportunity to set that precedent now for your future young adults.

Your kids will develop spiritually.

It’s amazing to hear the truth and Bible stories little ones are able to retain! It is never, ever too early for them to hear that Jesus loves them. They’re never too young to be told that God made them and that He is good. Being present on Sunday mornings provides an opportunity for them to hear this affirmed from someone besides their parents.

You will develop spiritually.

Even if you and your spouse have to take turns hanging in the lobby with your toddler who refuses to stay in the nursery, you will learn something! Corporate worship times are powerful, too. That experience simply doesn’t happen when you choose to watch the gathering online from home.

You will be a part a local expression of the church.

The connections I have at church are such a lifeline for me. A healthy church is filled with people a few steps ahead of you who can be mentors, people in your stage of life who can be friends, and people a few years behind you who you can help develop. These relationships will be some of the most enriching you’ll ever have. You need the church, and the church needs you.

You will have the opportunity to serve.

God wired you with gifts, interests, and abilities, and they aren’t for your enjoyment only! An elder in the church I grew up in once said that too many of us show up to church with our bibs on, ready to consume, when we should be showing up with an apron, ready to serve.

Ephesians 4:12 tells us that Christ gave Himself to “equip the saints [that’s us!] for works of ministry, for building up the body of Christ …” Here’s the incredible bonus about serving: once you’re in a well-functioning volunteer role that’s a good fit, you will be just as fulfilled as those receiving your gifts! God designed it that way.

The writer of Hebrews says it best: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (10:24-25). It is an honor and privilege to be a part of a church—one that believers in many parts of the world are literally dying for.

Take whatever steps you need to in order to make Sundays more manageable for you. Lay out clothes the night before. Prepare the simplest breakfast you can think of. Give yourself loads of extra time to compensate for the inevitable diaper blowout or other unforeseen event.

Showing up will be worth it.

3 Uncomfortable Questions Most Parents Don't Ask But Should

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

Someone once said, “you’ll never realize the importance of something until it’s gone.” This is true in so many areas of life, especially in parenting. When raising children, the days seem so long but the years seem so short. And as a result, parents often overlook tough questions during the parenting years that they later will wish they had prioritized.

They are tough topics, yes. And while it isn’t easy to think about them, it’s important to address them before it’s too late—especially by asking these three uncomfortable questions.

1. Will any of my children rebel when they are grown?

“What’s in your child’s heart will determine what’s in your child’s future.”

While there is no way to tell what the future holds, parents instinctively are given firsthand access to the direction of their child’s heart more than anyone else. A parent’s greatest responsibility is not to be a rule-enforcer or a family referee. A parent’s greatest responsibility is to nurture and protect their child’s heart. Because what’s in your child’s heart will determine what’s in your child’s future. We’ve found in our own family that this is hard to track.There is so much being thrown at our kids from every directionthat it requires our intentionality to protect their hearts and their futures.

2. Are my children actually learning how to be great spouses and parents?

Have your kids ever looked up at you and said, “I want to be a daddy just like you someday”? I can remember when mine have. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that our children one day will become adults—mothers and fathers, husbands and wives. And what they are learning now is what will shape them into the adults they will become. It is most important to remember that more than our children will become what we say, they will become who we are.

3. Do my children even know to handle forgiveness, bitterness, and reconciling relationships?

Everyone gets hurt by others. And everyone hurts others. Pain is a two-way street. Learning to deal with it properly is key to living successfully. And one of the greatest ways to set your child up for relational success is for them to see you being quick to forgive, willing to reconcile, and letting go of things that hold you back from your full potential as a person and as a parent. To live successfully, our children must learn how to deal properly with life’s hurts and they need our example and help to know how to navigate their own.

I heard this quote recently: “Our world 20 years from now will be what we have raised our children to be today.” How true. Our parenting has a multi-generational effect, and so we intentionally need to ask ourselves what patterns are we setting for our grandkids and what kinds of traits we want to make sure get transferred to future generations through our children, such as respect, generosity, and faith. Unfortunately, important factors like these can fall by the wayside and be lost forever in just one generation. As you honestly think on these three uncomfortable questions today, here’s a great reminder: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” -Frederick Douglas

Choosing Trust in the Moment

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

One of the things I admire the most about kids is the way they live in the moment. They don’t have to be responsible for things like retirement plans . . . coordinating the calendar . . . or figuring out what’s for dinner.

Can I be honest and tell you that’s one of the things I miss the most about childhood?

Think about the last time you started out on a family car trip. Before you’ve even left the driveway, your kids immediately ask to listen to a song or put on a movie.

“Give me a minute,” you say (with no small amount of frustration). After all, you’re thinking 10 steps ahead. As the responsible adults, we need to give our minds a chance to transition from what we’ve been managing to whatever we’re managing next. But kids? They’re in the moment, all the time.

They aren’t thinking about the route you need to take. They aren’t worried about road construction or traffic, or that new sound that just started from the back of the car that wasn’t there yesterday.

Kids don’t have control of any of those things. They have no choice but to trust.

They trust that you’ll get them to wherever you’re going, safe and sound. If something goes wrong, they trust you to fix it. They’re completely dependent on you for all those “adult things” that you spend all your time trying to manage.

Of course, those days of blind trust don’t last forever. As kids grow and change and mature on the path to adulthood, they move from dependence to independence—from reactivity to responsibility.

That’s good. That’s healthy. But there’s a cost. When we grow up, we have to take ownership. We feel like we have to take control . . . and if we’re honest, that can make it a lot harder to trust.

We don’t like it when life surprises us and takes us out of the driver’s seat. But it’s not a question of if we’ll get kicked out from time to time; it’s a question of when.

Those are the moments when it’s most important for us to trust—for ourselves, and for our kids who are watching. After all, we can choose. We have full ownership of our actions, but at same time, we don’t have to abandon the innocent trust that came so easily during childhood.

We might not see an easy solution to the problem. But even in the midst of that tension, we can choose to open our hands and say, “I don’t know what to do. But God, I trust You.”

It’s nice when trust leads to a happy ending. I like it when I can show my kids that everything works out the way I hoped it would—because then I can easily point to God’s faithfulness along the way. But I think the decision to trust is the teachable moment . . . not the outcome. When I feel out of control, I can still choose to trust God and believe that my life is in His hands. I don’t have to wait until everything is fixed; I can be honest with my kids and let them see the emotions that I’m struggling with along the way.

Our kids don’t have a lot of control in their lives—yet. But maybe we can model for them what it looks like to trust, regardless of the outcome. When they grow up, they won’t forget it.

What to Expect in Ninth Grade

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

When your high schooler was in middle school, there’s a good chance their biggest motivator was acceptance. They moved in a herd, made decisions as a group, and desperately wanted to fit in. While some of that is still true, your high schooler is changing and before long, his or her biggest motivator will be something new, something that may make you a little nervous, something you may even be tempted to resist: Freedom. 

Maybe you’ve already started to have conversations about car keys, curfews, driving  and dating. That’s because, especially American culture, nothing is more motivating to a high schooler than freedom and independence.

That’s why one of the most important things we can do is MOBILIZE THEIR POTENTIAL. In other words, we want to give them something to do, not just a list of things to stay away from. We want to give them opportunities to collaborate with the family, serve the community, and discover how God has uniquely wired them to influence the world around them.

They won’t get it right every time. In fact, they’ll need a lot of coaching along the way. But as their parent, you are uniquely positioned to give them appropriate doses of independence and wisdom— to create more opportunities and less obstacles for their future.

After nearly a decade in the classroom, meeting with parents and teenagers, one of the things I found myself saying over and over is “Before we talk about grades, let’s talk about what ninth grade is like.”

Ninth graders are a weird bunch, aren’t they? If you have a ninth grader, it’s okay to think that. They’re equal parts overconfident and under confident— terrified and excited. But there is one thing that most ninth graders really need: a tribe.

At this stage, friendships change quickly, groups form, disband and then rearrange as freshmen try to figure out who they are and where they fit now that middle school is over. That may mean your ninth grader comes home talking about different people every week. It may mean he or she suddenly dresses differently, is into different music or hobbies, and tries on different personalities as they figure out where they fit and how a person in that tribe is supposed to act.

Finding a friend group also means ninth graders may experience a significant amount of friendship drama and disappointment as they try to answer the question “Where do I belong?” And while finding new friends can be exciting, this phase can also feel really painful for a freshman who feels rejected by their former friends. That’s why one of the most helpful things you can give them at this phase is acceptance at home. Even when it feels like there is chaos outside the house, when no one likes you, and when the people who used to be your friend aren’t anymore, coming home to a safe place, a place where at least your parent thinks you’re awesome, can slightly lessen the sting of rejection at school.

Hopefully your ninth grader will leave this year with a solid and dependable friend group, but until the cement dries, one way you can help is value community. That means making sure they have as many opportunities as possible to interact with a group of people their age that can become their tribe. It’s a great time to try out for sports and join a number of clubs to make friends.

And, I think one of the best places for your ninth grader to find community is in a church small group. Engaging in a group with similar values and a trusted adult in the mix is always a great way for a ninth grader to find a place to belong. So get to know their small group leader, invite the group over for an outing or a movie night and make it a priority to show up every week and, so those relationships can grow deeper this year.

The thing to remember most about this year is that they still need you.  No one has more influence on their spiritual lives than their parents and no one knows their story better than a parent. They need mom and dad even if they pretend like they don’t.

The One Thing Your Kid Needs Before Going to College

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Helping your child transition from one phase to the next is never easy. You probably remember the first day of kindergarten, the first day of middle school, or the day they got their driver’s license. Chances are, at each phase, you found yourself the same, very important, question:

Do they have everything they need?

In elementary school, the answer to that question came in the form of school supply lists and lunch money forms. Maybe during the high school years, that question looked like putting an emergency kit in their car with a list of emergency numbers. And, after all those years of making sure the have what they need, this stage may feel eerily similar. Besides, there are a LOT of things they may need to start college:

• Financial aid forms
• Registering for classes
• Dining hall plans
• Dorm décor
• A new (and better) computer

The list goes on and on. But from years (okay, decades) of walking with teenagers and their parents through the transition from high school to college, I’ve found one of the most important things a teenager needs when starting college rarely makes the list but it often makes all the difference.

They Need . . . a Team

Over and over, research confirms that the chances of success in college, and in life, rises when we have mentors, advisors, and people to guide us along the journey. This is especially true in the first few months of college where life can be tricky and the right decision isn’t always clear.

In this first semester, there will be times your brand new young adult may feel hesitant to ask you for advice because it feels like they should have it all figured out by now. So having a team of other adults who can mentor, advise, or encourage your new college student can be a game changer.

The Team They Need

That’s why we think every student starting college needs a team of five adult advisors who will help them navigate their first semester in college.

And we know that asking or even finding five adults may seem challenging for a young person. So we wanted to make it as easy as possible for them by creating a website that helps your college student make the ask and helps their adult mentors remember to follow up regularly.

Building Their Team

To sign up, simply have your student go to OnMyTeam.org and click “I’m a college student.” There, they’ll be walked through the process of deciding who makes a good mentor, and they’ll be given the exact words to copy, paste, and send to an adult asking them to become a team member for the next semester.

Eventually, your son or daughter will find people in their new stage of life, their new school, or maybe even a new town to act as mentors in their life. But those relationships don’t happen automatically. So between now and then, it’s our hope that OnMyTeam.org helps bridge the gap with adults they already know and trust who can cheer for them and guide them toward what’s next.

A Parenting Roadmap for Social Media

* The following article was copied from www.careynieuwhof.com.

By Jeff and Wendy Henderson

Parenting is much like a pendulum.

The tighter you pull back on the pendulum the faster it pulls away when you ultimately release it.

The aim of parenting is releasing our kids into the world, prepared and ready. It’s why we should slowly but consistently release the pendulum throughout the teenage years.

In the early years, pulling tightly on the pendulum makes perfect sense. This is the season of car seats. But before you know it, the one in the car seat will literally be in the driver’s seat driving away.

If we still treat them like they are in the car seat when they are teenagers, they will drive away unprepared to make decisions as an adult.

If we still treat them like they are in the car seat when they are teenagers, they will one drive away unprepared to make decisions as an adult.

In our presentations to parents about social media, we hear (and understand) the strong temptation to completely control, restrict and ban its use in the lives of their kids. And, that might be the right call for some teenagers in certain seasons and for certain reasons.

Our concern though is what happens when the kids go off to college or ultimately leave the home – which, by the way, is the goal.

When the parenting pendulum has been so tightly pulled back, controlled and restrictive, the natural counter-reaction is to swing wildly in the other direction when released. There’s a phrase for this.

It’s called Freshman Year.

When the parenting pendulum has been so tightly pulled back, controlled and restrictive, the natural counter-reaction is to swing wildly in the other direction when released.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY

We can apply this parenting principle which is so helpful and true when our kids are teenagers:

Great parenting isn’t controlling. Great parenting is coaching.

Great parenting isn’t controlling. Great parenting is coaching.

This is true in all areas of life, and social media is one of them.

Coaching our kids on how to use technology is a much better strategy than simply controlling their technology use. That’s not to say you give up control. Remember, you are the parent. You are in control. But as Andy Stanley says, “Approach is everything.”

How we approach our kids on this and any topic makes all the difference.

Think of it like teaching our kids how to drive a car. If we dug in our heels and said, “There are a lot of things that could go wrong. You are not driving a car,” well, that’s an approach. But probably not a healthy one.

The better approach is what we normally do. It’s a process.

There is a learner’s permit, driving school and rules for the road.

We don’t just hand a teenager keys to a car and say, “Good luck.”

And yet, sometimes, that’s what happens with technology. We hand our kids a phone and say, “Good luck” with very little training or coaching.

It’s why social media should be like learning to drive. There should be a learner’s permit, driving school and rules for the road.

Since this doesn’t currently exist, we are going to give you ideas for each one of these.

The ultimate goal of this parenting roadmap is helping you slowly release the parenting pendulum so that when you ultimately release it the result isn’t a wild swing in the opposite direction. It results in our kids being released with the wisdom and maturity to make the best decisions possible.

Coaching our kids on how to use technology is a much better strategy than simply controlling their technology use.

LEARNER’S PERMIT

Before you begin coaching your kids on social media, it’s helpful to begin with some basic rules regarding their phone use:

• Please repeat this statement to your kids over and over: “The primary reason you have a phone is so that I can get in touch with you. It is not so you can get in touch with your friends.”

• The “Find my Friends” app is your friend. Our kids know we are tracking them via their phone and we know exactly where they are. This is a great gift to us as parents (though we’re glad our parents didn’t have this!)

• Limiting where their phone is used in the home will limit the use of their phone. (We discussed this in detail in our previous blog post.)

• Inform them of the monthly cost of their phone and when they can, have them contribute to the cost. This not only teaches them about technology but also about finances.

• Read their text messages. Yes, that’s right. Invade their privacy. We told our kids there should be no deleting of text messages. We didn’t tell them when we would read their text messages, only that we would from time to time. This helped provide some great conversations and coaching about how to respond to certain situations as well as getting a glimpse on what they are thinking. It also, perhaps, forced them to have an actual conversation with a friend versus texting about it. This was a win in and of itself.

Please repeat this statement to your kids over and over: “The primary reason you have a phone is so that I can get in touch with you. It is not so you can get in touch with your friends.”

DRIVING SCHOOL

You are the instructor of this school, even if you don’t consider yourself very tech-savvy. How the instructor drives is often how the student drives.

• No phones at the dinner table.

• When parents limit their own use of technology at home, it is modeling the way for their kids.

When parents limit their own use of technology at home, it is modeling the way for their kids.

• With any school, there are certain milestones and tests that lead to graduation. As we said in our last post, when our kids wanted to get on Snapchat, we had an age milestone of 16 years old. Until they were 16, it was non-negotiable. Once they reached 16, they had to watch the sermon series “The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley. Watching a series on love, sex and dating with your parents would certainly make any teenager wonder how much they really wanted a Snapchat account.

• Point out positive role models on social media. Often, we only hear the negative side of technology. However, there is a very positive side. We have had great discussions about what certain athletes or other role models have shared on social media – whether it is a quote or how they are living their lives. This, of course, would require you to be following and taking notes of how you can leverage the positive stories you find and using it as a part of your social media driver’s school. Take advantage of the positive stories out there and use them as coaching tools.

Point out positive role models on social media.

• Pick one social media channel and stay with that one for a year. There really isn’t any reason for our kids to have multiple social media channels starting out. It’s much easier for you to manage and train them with just one channel.

• Once you have selected that one channel, be sure to follow your teenager and make their account private. Keep an eye on whom they are following and who is following them.

• In most social media channels, you can be alerted when your teenager posts something. This allows you to encourage them on something they posted, or provide feedback if you didn’t like what they posted. Either way, the point is clear to your kids – you are paying attention to what they are doing on social media. It’s all part of the Social Media Driving School.

There really isn’t any reason for our kids to have multiple social media channels starting out.

RULES FOR THE ROAD

Think of these ten rules for the road as road signs and speed limits. You might even consider posting them somewhere in your house.

• Never text or post out of anger. It’s like going to the grocery store hungry. Both will lead to regret.

Never text or post out of anger. It’s like going to the grocery store hungry. Both will lead to regret.

• Ask this question before texting or posting: “Would I want my parents to read this?”

• Ask this question before texting or posting: “Will I regret this five years from now?”

• Criticize in person not online. If you have something negative to say, say it directly and privately.

• Are you able to take a break from social media for ten days? If not, it’s time to take a break from social media.

Are you able to take a break from social media for ten days? If not, it’s time to take a break from social media.

• Be an encourager online, not a critic.

• Be the same person online as you are offline.

• If you aren’t sure you should post it, don’t.

• The pictures you show of yourself should be modest and tasteful.

If you aren’t sure you should post it, don’t. The pictures you show of yourself should be modest and tasteful.

• Never determine your self-worth and identity from social media. If you do, you have given over control of your life to other people.

In many ways, parenting is more challenging today than ever before because these days of technology are unprecedented. While it is understandable to parent out of fear, it’s much better to parent out of faith knowing that God loves our kids more than we do and He has promised to give us wisdom when we ask.

While it is understandable to parent out of fear, it’s much better to parent out of faith knowing that God loves our kids more than we do and He has promised to give us wisdom when we ask.

Secrets for Dads From a Daughter

The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

This is a guest post from Hannah Joiner.

I happened to be at the wedding when Reggie, my dad, read this letter to Mark on the day he gave his daughter Kristi away in marriage. Even though it was directed primarily to fathers, I couldn’t help but learn a few things myself. I also thought of a few secrets that my dad should know about his daughter that might be beneficial for other dads too.

Secret one: Rolling my eyes didn’t always mean what I was communicating to you.

I remember rolling my eyes as a little girl when my dad needed to take me by his office. The funny thing is I also remember REALLY wanting to go. I just didn’t want him to know that. Yes, we do play games, and I’m sorry it’s so confusing! I loved feeling like I was important enough to be around my dad’s workplace. It made me feel like he was proud to be my dad.

Secret two: I loved when you invested in getting to know my friends.

When my dad would get to know my friends (at any age), it meant the world to me. I pretended to be embarrassed sometimes. Little did he know, he was communicating his genuine interest in my life. What was important to me was also important to him. And I began to realize that his purpose was not to just make the rules, he wanted to build a relationship with me.

Secret three: Letting go helped me decide who I wanted to be.

When I was sixteen, I got into some trouble at school. I was scared to death of what my punishment would be when my dad got home. This is one of those times I remember him “letting go.” He didn’t really punish me, he just told me I was old enough to make my own decisions and that I was accountable to God and myself. The next day, he took me to work with him and treated me like an adult. This was a turning point in my life. I was heartbroken knowing he was disappointed in me. I WANTED a punishment so that I could just pay for it. Instead, letting go in that moment taught me who I wanted to be—someone that could make the right decisions without rules.

Dads, I wish I had been better at communicating to my father how much his holding on and letting go meant to me. The chances are your daughters will probably wish the same thing one day. If you are fighting for her and trying your best, she knows it. So don’t stop. Of course my dad didn’t do everything right, but none of that matters now because he fought for our relationship. I really believe that’s the most crucial part.

I hope this encourages every parent and ever leader to push on through the eye rolls and know that kids need you to fight for their heart. So keep doing what you do. Every day. Every week. And when that moment comes and you have to let go and let them walk away, you can know they will carry with them all the things you have done for them over time.