Moving Beyond the Holi-Daze

* The following article was copied from www.theparencue.org.

10 Tips to Prepare for the Holiday Season

Here it comes, right on cue! It’s November already, and the Christmas commercials have started appearing on television, stores are all decked with holly, and your kids are probably already begging for new “stuff” under the Christmas tree.

For many of us, the holiday season is a time that is anticipated with both joy and anxiety. Sure, we love the celebrations, the family traditions, and we cherish the memories of holidays gone by; but along with them, we add the stresses of preparation, expectations and the fear of letdowns, or family squabbles that we have experienced in the past. In a real sense, many of us are looking straight into the face of the holi-daze, not the holidays. With this in mind, here are 10 tips that can help restore some sanity to your family, and hopefully make for an enjoyable, meaningful holiday season.

1. Set manageable expectations.

Spend some time now setting realistic and manageable expectations for your holiday season. So, be realistic and upfront about what your family can do. Make a list of what is possible and prioritize your most important events and activities for you and your family. Then, pace yourself. Organize your time. Keep in mind that it’s the holiday “season” (not “day”) and spread out your activities to lessen stress and increase enjoyment.

2. Remember the holiday season does not eliminate sadness or loneliness.

Old problems and difficulties continue, and new ones can arise during the holiday season. And for some, the holiday season evokes painful memories from recent events or the loss of loved ones. Give room for yourself and your family to experience and express these feelings. But try not to let them become a consuming focus. Make an effort to work through present challenges and conflicts.

3. Acknowledge the past but look toward the future.

Life brings changes. Each season of life is different. Determine to enjoy this holiday season for what it is. Acknowledging the past, whether it was good or bad, is appropriate. But, if you find that this year has been a rough one and you don’t anticipate having the best holiday season ever, try not to set yourself up for disappointment by comparing today with the “good old days.” Take advantage of the joys the present holiday season has to offer.

4. Develop and encourage a life of gratitude.

Gratitude is an attribute that transcends circumstances. No matter what your circumstances, I believe there is reason to be thankful in them. Your circumstances may never change, but your attitude toward them can change . . . and this can make all the difference. For Christians, giving thanks should be an everyday occurrence, and not just something we do on Thanksgiving Day. We have a special reason to adopt the attitude of gratitude, because we know that whatever comes, our times are in God’s hands. It was Jesus who said in effect, “So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow, too.” (See Matthew 6:34.)

If you want to help your kids develop an attitude of gratitude, I encourage you to try an experiment that might radically influence your family, and it’s a great exercise in the days leading up to Thanksgiving or Christmas for that matter. It’s called “Thank Therapy.” Thank Therapy is simply focusing on the many things in your life for which you can be thankful.  Get started by having each family member create individual lists of “Twenty Reasons Why I’m Thankful.” Share your lists as a family on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day.

5. Do something for someone else.

One of the ways we can demonstrate that we are grateful to God for His many blessings is to help others. Even if this has been a difficult year for you and your family, helping others will help you too, as your focus will move from your own circumstances into serving others. There are always people who can use a helping hand. So, enrich this holiday season for your family by getting involved in serving others.

6. Enjoy activities that are cheap or free.

There are many good holiday-related activities that will add to your family’s enjoyment that are either free or low-cost such as driving around to look at Christmas decorations, decorating your home together as a family, baking Christmas cookies, going window-shopping, or playing in the snow (or on the beach if you live in Southern California like me).

7. Enjoy a family holiday tradition.

Traditions provide opportunities to keep your family’s legacy going. They create meaningful memories. So from the silly to the sentimental, if your family has established Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions, be sure to include them in your holiday activity plans if possible.

8. Try something new.

Traditions are great, but sometimes families find themselves in a rut, celebrating the holidays in exactly the same fashion, year after year. This can result in your family experiencing a holiday funk. Think about finding a new way to celebrate the holiday season this year. You may just create a new tradition that will keep going for generations!

9. Spend money responsibly.

Thanks to our culture and the well-thought out marketing strategies by retailers, the holiday season always brings with it a big temptation to spend lots of money, especially when it comes to purchasing Christmas presents for your family. Don’t be afraid to say no to this temptation. The following is simple but good advice for every family: Don’t spend beyond your means and don’t rack up significant credit card debt! While your family may be thrilled by expensive gifts on Christmas Day, don’t forget that come springtime, your kids may have laid aside or forgotten those gifts, even while you’re struggling to make the payments. Decide now to be financially responsible this holiday season!

10. Carve out some time for yourself!

Don’t take on all of the responsibilities of your family’s holiday celebrations by yourself. Share the load. For example, assign responsibilities to your family members for preparation and clean-up of your Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. Create some space during the holidays for you to recharge your own batteries.

Dr. Jim Burns

Joy in the Chaos

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

My son is asking for a car this Christmas. He’s four. He started asking for one months ago. And I— foolishly—thought it would be an idea that waned with time. Not so much. He gets fixated on things and doesn’t let go. Which can only mean one thing. Christmas morning is sure to be a little disappointing for my boy.

He is his mother’s son. I can relate. I have a long history of being a bit of a wreck on Christmas. I love anticipation, hype, excitement. But I hate the letdown. And every Christmas, with big hopes and expectations, comes the potential for big let down.

Growing up, it would be over not getting the right toy, size or style. As I’ve gotten older, the let downs are more significant. I’m sure many of you can relate. It seems Christmastime is when the gap is the greatest between the expectation of how things should be and the reality of how things are. It’s a season of hope often followed by a twinge of disenchantment.

It’s hectic family gatherings that require more emotional stability and grace than you feel equipped to handle.

It’s unresolved tensions that result in icy silence or fiery explosions.

It’s childhood magical dreams subtly morphing into incessant demands.

It’s the sense of loss…
of the spouse who isn’t there.
the children who aren’t coming home.
the parents whose absence feels more acute and intense than any other time of the year.

It should be peaceful. Joyful. Hopeful. Magical. And yet, for many, it simply isn’t.

The tension lies in wanting to reclaim the season we want in light of the season we have.

But what if making that happen didn’t have to involve a life renovation? Lewis Smedes writes, “Joy is gratitude,” meaning.

Joy is accessible.
Joy doesn’t have to be a scarcity.
It isn’t happiness.
It isn’t perfection.
It isn’t pretending things aren’t how they really are. It isn’t pasted on smiles and selective memory or hearing. And it’s not just “holding it together.”

Joy is gratitude for what is right even when so much isn’t.

We can be joyful. Because we can be grateful, even in all the difficulty that Christmas may bring. Do we want to un-complicate Christmas?

Then let’s get back to the basics. Look for the good. Look for the right. Look for a reason—any reason at all—to be grateful. Don’t worry about bringing joy to the whole world, but work at bringing joy enough to your world.

Our schedules may be busy.

Our families may be dysfunctional.

Our kids—as hard as we are working to ensure otherwise—may appear to be missing the point of Christmas all together.

But despite all that may be working against us, we have the opportunity to set the tone in a season that was intended to remind us of how involved our God is—at all times. Let’s first be thankful for that.

Deitrich Bonhoeffer wrote a book of Christmas reflections simply called “God Is In The Manger”. In my opinion, I’m not sure he needed to write much more beyond the title. Because that just about sums it up as neatly and beautifully as possible.

The God who made it all, entered it all.
The God behind it all, included us all.
God is in the manger, and all may not be right in the world, but enough is right in the world. 

Yes, joy is gratitude. And we can be grateful that regardless of how we feel over the coming weeks, the unshakable reality is that God showed up 2,000 years ago.

If we refuse to rush through that, if we insist on embracing the miracle that already was in the first Christmas, we may be surprised with a miracle all our own—discovering that though our reality fall short of our deeply felt desires, our joy doesn’t have to.

Your Teenager Needs Discipleship

* The following podcast is from www.thegospelcoalition.org.

Click here to listen to a great podcast about discipling your teen.

The Opposite of Gratitude

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I’m not sure how to make anyone feel grateful. My parents told me that I should be grateful a number of times, but telling me to be grateful didn’t make me feel grateful. Honestly, there were times that I felt guilty because I didn’t feel gratitude.  I actually thought something was wrong with me. Why didn’t I feel grateful when I should feel grateful? Then at some point I grew up and made a simple discovery. “The emotion of feeling grateful doesn’t happen naturally. It is a result of the deliberate choice of demonstrating gratitude.” In other words, you don’t show gratitude because you feel grateful, you feel grateful because you show gratitude.

I know it may surprise you if I say I have a selfish nature. Are you shocked? For those of you who are pure in all of your motives and never struggle with your egos, I am sure you are disappointed in me. But I have struggled with the issue of selfishness for a while, ever since I was born.

So for me, gratefulness is basically the result of overcoming some attitudes that can get buried deep in my human nature. These are attitudes that are the opposite of gratitude. If they go unchecked, they can result in a self-centered and frustrating lifestyle.

The “Never Enough” Attitude

This attitude is about our love affair with stuff, and our habit of being consumed with a materialistic mindset. It’s the trap of thinking that our happiness is connected to what we have, not who we are. We may tend to put more value on our things than we do our relationships. It is the reason why your children can get mad because they didn’t get popcorn when you just took them to the movie. We live in a culture that fuels this attitude, and it has the potential to crowd out living simple and grateful lives.

The “I Deserve It” Attitude

It’s easy to start believing that we automatically deserve things. It can happen to an individual, or a nation. It’s just the natural progression of a society that raises children who get whatever they want. Over time, there is a tendency to start believing that you deserve everything that you have. Think about it. Why should you be grateful for something that you are entitled to have? Why should you be grateful for a job that doesn’t pay you what you think you are worth? Why should you be grateful for your car when so many people you know are driving one better? We are programmed to believe that we deserve the best.

The “It’s All About Me” Attitude

Maybe you were raised in the kind of “child-centered” home that convinced you everything exists for you. It’s easy to grow up and embrace the notion that the entire planet somehow revolves around you and your issues. It rarely occurs to you that you should consistently sacrifice and put other people’s needs before your own needs. It is also difficult to comprehend that you have probably benefitted in numerous ways, because others have invested or sacrificed to help you.

The Attitude of Gratitude

The point is all of these attitudes can sabotage your potential to be grateful. And more than likely you can’t “feel” your way out of them. You have to take specific action. You have to become intentional about showing gratitude if you hope to become a grateful person:

• If you want to battle the “never enough” attitude, you have to become a person who buys less and gives more.

• If you want to get over the “I deserve it” attitude you should do your job diligently, celebrate the small things, keep your expectations in check.

• What about the “it’s all about me” attitude? Well you can start by making a list this Thanksgiving of all the people that have made small and big differences in your life. Then write one person a note, or make a call every week to say, “Thank you” for what they have done in your life. You could also schedule some time to help someone else. Make sure it’s someone who can’t do anything for you in return. We’ve also got some free Gratitude Cards to help you get started!

Remember, you will never be grateful until you do something about showing gratitude.

Busting Myths About Teen Girl Anxiety

* The following article was copied by www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

If you’re concerned about the rise in teenage stress and anxiety levels, you’re not alone.

Teenagers themselves are concerned.

Whether or not they personally experience anxiety and depression, 7 in 10 teenagers view both as major problems among their peers. According to this same recent survey of 13- to 17-year-olds conducted by the Pew Research Forum, young people’s concern about their peers’ mental health cuts across diverse ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic lines.

In our work at the Fuller Youth Institute, I rarely go a day without hearing about, reading about, being asked about, or grieving over teenage anxiety and depression.

The crisis seems to be experienced more powerfully and prevalently by US girls. In Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, researcher, therapist, and parent Lisa Damour highlights the intensity of the crisis for adolescent girls:

• Between 2005 and 2014, the percentage of teenage girls experiencing depression increased from 13 to 17 percent. During the same time period, that statistic moved from 5% to 6% for boys.

• A larger portion of 13- to 17-year-old girls report feeling tense or nervous every day or “almost” every day (36% for girls vs. 23% for boys).

• Overall almost one-third of girls and women (31%) experience symptoms of anxiety, compared to 13% of boys and young men.

I am a woman, Dave and I are raising two girls, and I care deeply about—and work proactively to—help females of all ages reach their God-given potential. So I devoured Under Pressure in one recent long plane flight.

Based largely on the research sprinkled throughout Under Pressure as well as my growing understanding of the information and experiences underlying adolescent mental health challenges, I think it’s important to bust four major myths. As parents, leaders, and mentors, these myths hinder us from empathizing with, and bringing support and freedom to, the girls we are raising, mentoring, and serving.

Myth #1: Stress and anxiety are bad.

Without stress and anxiety, you and I likely wouldn’t be alive today. Neither would the girls we care about. Stress and anxiety are triggered by what we perceive to be dangerous situations (e.g., a car is coming right at me) that activate our “fight-or-flight” response. Our adrenaline and heart rate increase and oxygen rushes to our muscles as we prepare to either face the potential danger or run away. Anxiety is an essential alarm system, but it can run us ragged when it spins out of control.

Girls’ struggles increase when they disregard the warning signs their brains and bodies are giving them, and are conditioned either covertly or overtly to feel anxious about their anxiety, and stressed about their stress. In fact, while Damour used to work with clients to try to keep anxiety from being their “first response,” she now often doesn’t try to fight that battle. Instead, she works with them on more generative and helpful “second responses.” In other words, even if a girl initially experiences physical or emotional symptoms of anxiety, helping her figure out what to do next may be more healthy and productive than trying to get her to “stop” that initial anxious response.

Myth #2: Stress and anxiety are basically the same.

Both are psychologically uncomfortable, but “stress” is typically a feeling of emotional tension or mental strain while “anxiety” is the fear, dread, or panic that often follows the stress. We can better aid our girls when we help them identify their initial causes of stress, and distinguish those from their subsequent anxiety. That way they can pinpoint what first causes unease and separate that cause from their body and mind’s strong reaction.

Myth #3: Stress is mostly a result of major tragedy and trauma.

The reality is that any change can create stress—even “positive” change. That’s why psychologists often sort stress into three distinct domains, the first of which is life events. Tragedy and major trauma fall into this domain, but so do other “good” life events, like getting a coveted role in a play, joining a sports team, or attending a new school.

The second domain is called daily hassles. For our teenage girls (and really, for all of us), these add up. In fact, one study examining the effect of major negative life events (such as the death of a loved one) found that it was actually the amount of daily hassles that resulted from the major life event that correlated with the degree of emotional upheaval, not the major loss itself.

The third domain, chronic stress, often results when basic life circumstances are consistently difficult. Living in a dangerous community, caring for a sick family member, or relentless achievement pressure are common forms of chronic stress faced by teenage girls.

Too often, those of us who are trying to support girls have an internal radar that is most closely attuned to only one type of stressor: life events. And even then, we are usually more focused on “negative” life events than “positive” life events, and we disregard the cumulative effect of daily hassles and chronic stress altogether. This lack of attention ultimately hurts our girls.

Myth #4: Girls’ anxiety comes from the same source as boys’.

When it comes to the pressures teens face, academics tops the list: 61% of teens say they feel significant pressure to get good grades. While boys typically view school with more confidence, girls view grades as a telling measure of what they can achieve and thus take grades more personally, often making them more anxious about school.

The second greatest source of stress, which is “the pressure to look good” and is reported by 29% of teenagers overall, is more likely to be felt by teenage girls than boys (35% for girls compared with 23% of boys). 

The third greatest source of stress, which is fitting in socially, is experienced by 28% of teenagers overall. Social media exacerbates that peer pressure to fit in; one recent study revealed that teenagers who view social media images of peers seeming “happy and pretty” experience lower self-esteem. Given their greater social media usage, girls, more than boys, are more prone to suffering from these online social comparisons.

When we understand the misconceptions about stress and anxiety, we are more effectively equipped to raise, mentor, and serve healthy and confident young women.

Helping Your Kids Navigate Their 27 Different Emotions

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Have you ever found yourself in tears for no real reason? Or have you ever been so frustrated that you wanted to throw something? (Maybe you even did!) Or have you ever woken up one morning with an overwhelming sense of anxiety but couldn’t quite pinpoint what exactly you’re so worried about?

27 Different Emotions

Studies say that we have at least twenty-seven different, distinct emotions. Twenty-seven. Maybe that surprises you. Maybe you’re a fairly even-tempered, steady person who doesn’t experience super high highs or super low lows. Or, maybe you believe that stat because you’ve lived it. Maybe you’ve had twenty-seven emotions since you woke up today.

Either way, the fact is that humans are capable of feeling a lot. A lot quantity-wise and a lot depth-wise.

Have you ever stopped to think about how your kid is (or isn’t) navigating their twenty-seven emotions? Imagine being six years old and waking up with an uneasy feeling in your tummy and not really knowing what it’s all about. You don’t even know the word anxiety—much less the source of your discomfort.

That’s the situation some of our kids find themselves in—experiencing a wide range of emotions and not having the context, life-experience, or even the language to talk about them.

There are a few simple steps you can take as a parent to help them navigate their variety of emotions and process what they’re feeling.

1. First, Recognize the moment.

Whether or not your kid expresses their emotions openly, they’re definitely experiencing them. If you have a more reserved child, knowing when they’re feeling emotional may require you to observe changes in their behavior. Are they more quiet than normal? Have less of an appetite? Are they sleeping significantly more or less? Be a student of your kid and keep a pulse on when they’re not quite themselves.

2. Then, Remove them from the source.

Tell your kid that it’s okay to respectfully walk away from a situation or person before they take action on how they’re feeling. Give them permission to go into the other room and scream into a pillow. Walking away helps them take control of their emotions.

3. Next, Tell them to breathe.

It is scientifically proven that you will be incapable of thinking until you get blood and air back to certain parts of your brain once the adrenaline of a particularly emotional moment moves it elsewhere. Tell your kid to take deep breaths in and out until they seem calmer or more stable.

4. Then, Help them name it.

You can’t manage your emotions if you don’t know what you actually feel. Create a feelings chart so they can easily and visually determine what they’re feeling. Or, if they already know how they’re feeling, give them a sliding scale to rate it. For example, How angry are you? From “a little mad” to “ready to scream your head off”? Or, Are you more sad or less sad than that time it rained out your birthday party?

It may seem silly, but giving them context for what they’re feeling will help your kid weigh and process the levity of their current emotional state.

5. Finally, Refocus.

Give them a next step in addressing their emotion. If they’re bummed about failing their math test, suggest the two of you sit down and look at the incorrect responses to see where they went wrong. If they’re mad that their sister got a playdate and they didn’t, get out the family calendar and make a suggestion for the next time they get to have a friend over. Don’t solve their problem—just redirect their focus.

The most important thing you can do when it comes to helping kids navigate their emotions is to communicate that all emotions—even ones that make us uncomfortable are okay. There is no “bad” or “wrong” way to feel—only unwise or hurtful ways to respond.

Reassure them that what they’re feeling is temporary, but that the way you feel about them will never, ever change.

5 Ways to Build Rapport with the Leaders in Your Kid's Life

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Lots of relationships in life come without a manual. How exactly do people learn to . . .

· Be a good spouse?

· A good student?

· A good parent?

· A good coffee-shop customer?

Without any instruction, you can wonder “am I doing this right?” And just like all of those, it can be hard to know how to relate to the leaders in your kid’s life. Maybe your child is in a small group at a church or in a Sunday school class. Maybe you’re thinking of a teacher or a coach.

What do you say?

Do you offer to show up?

Is that weird?

The truth is having a good relationship with your kid’s small group leader, or any leader in their life, is tricky. It will look different at every age, with every kid, and with every leader. But, as a long-time small group leader, I can tell you there are a few tricks to build rapport with your kid’s leader,  ensuring that relationship is a good one.

1. Introduce yourself.

Let’s just be honest. Meeting people is awkward. None of us are good at it. And on top of that, meeting a parent can be really intimidating, especially if you aren’t a parent yourself. That’s why one of the kindest things you can do is take the pressure off by introducing yourself first. Ask for coffee. Shoot them a text.

However you do it, your kid’s leader will be grateful you made the first move.

2. Ask questions without questioning.

Not everything your kid’s small group does will make sense. If they’re little, they may come home smelling like glue and still shaking off the glitter. If they’re older, you may pick them up from camp with a bad attitude, a sleepy face, and the distinct smell of Doritos and energy drinks. So it’s natural to wonder what in the WORLD that group is doing. And good news . . . it’s okay to ask!

Most of the time your kid’s leader wishes you knew just how much is going on in your kid’s group and how they’re growing. But just like every question, tone is key. Even if you aren’t sure an activity was wise or helpful, try to ask questions about what happened and why before asking questions like, “what were you thinking?”

Even if they make mistakes, the person leading your kid’s group is pouring out a lot of their time and energy and attention because they love your kid. And that alone is a good reason to assume the best intentions, even while asking about something that doesn’t make sense.

3. Honor the relationship.

Your kid’s small group leader is not your kid’s playmate. They’re your kid’s leader. Chances are they’ve been through some training on working with kids this age. As a leader, they handle a lot of responsibility both for the physical safety and the spiritual health of a whole group of kids. And even if they’re younger than you—by a lot, even if they are just a teenager themselves—to your kid they are a trusted adult. And it’s important to talk TO them and ABOUT them that way.

In doing so, you not only build trust with the leader (after all, nobody wants to be talked down to), but you also teach your child that their leader is a trustworthy person and what they’re saying matters.

4. Say thanks.

Is there anything better than a thank-you note? Why, yes. Yes there is. It’s called a gift card. Especially as your kid gets older, their leader may be investing more than you realize in their future. Giving rides, showing up every week, taking vacation days to go to camp, and more vacation days for weekend retreats, staying up to answer late-night texts, and showing up at sporting events all come at a price.

So why not refill their (coffee, gas, emotional) tank with a thank-you note and a gift card?

5. Offer to help.

The mantra of a great small group leader is “make it happen.” But making the magic happen is far easier when someone comes alongside you to offer rides, make snacks, host an overnight, plan the service project, or organize and communicate with the other parents. If you aren’t sure what to offer, simply send your kid’s leader the list above and says something like this, “Hey, I read this article that said these were some ways to help out the leaders in your kid’s life. Would any of those be helpful to you? If so, I’m happy to jump in!” Even if the leader says they have everything covered, they will appreciate you asking.

So, what can you do this week to start building a little more rapport with the leaders who are investing in your kid’s lives week after week?

You Are Not Your Child's Sin

* The following article was copied from www.thegospelcoalition.com.

Do you have one of “those” kids? Every family should have at least one. They humble you. They break the mold of the family, and usually their parents at the same time.

A while back, I was at a three-day training in the summer. They had day camps for my kids to attend while I was at the training. Since it was about six hours from home, I rented an Airbnb, left my husband to his work, and drove all the kids out there by myself.

The Incident

Once I got everyone fed after the first day, one of my kids told me about “an incident” that happened that day with one of my other kids. He’d had one of his meltdowns, something we hadn’t seen in a while. He had thrown a chair, and there was yelling and crying.

Of course, there can be many reasons for a child’s meltdown, some even outside the child’s control. A sin-warped world—in which children often experience tiredness, immaturity, past trauma, illness, and developmental challenges—may contribute to a meltdown just as much as ill intent. But, whatever the root cause, it is not okay to throw chairs and scare other children.

The child who came to me was embarrassed by what her brother had done, and she didn’t want to tattle, but she thought I needed to know.

The next morning, as I dropped off my kids at their classrooms, I dropped off the one with the incident last. I wanted to speak with his teacher and make sure everything was okay. She was busy checking kids in, so I stepped back and waited. I was then approached by the superviser of the day camps.

“So, we had an incident yesterday.”

“Yes, one of my kids told me about it.”

She proceeded to tell me the details, and let me know how they responded, and how the day ended. In my mind, they had done everything right, but I was scared she was going to tell me that he couldn’t come anymore. This child got kicked out of things often enough, and I needed this training. It felt like a non-negotiable for my family.

“I’m so, so, so very sorry,” I stammered out.

Set Free

This woman looked at me and cocked her head with questioning eyes. “Why are you sorry? You weren’t even there. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your son did. I just need to make sure that he agrees to our code of conduct before returning to class.”

Her statement caught me off guard—I had never heard those words in my 14 years of parenting. They struck deep. I bit my lip. My face got hot, and to my embarrassment, I started crying. A pent-up dam was released. As a mom of six children, I hear it all. “Control your kids.” “Your kid shouldn’t be doing that.” “Keep an eye on your kid.”

Her statement caught me off guard—I had never heard those words in my 14 years of parenting.

The worst is when I hear these messages spoken passive-aggressively about other parents, and then I internalize them. When kids act up in public it’s: “Some parents just don’t discipline.” “Some parents just don’t teach boundaries.” “No one teaches manners anymore.” “Parents just need to learn to say ‘no.’”

While all that might be true, I get so weary of people thinking I’m the cause of my children’s sinful nature. I must not be trying hard enough. If I just parented them better, they wouldn’t deal with sin anymore.

That’s a weight that suffocates parents today.

Sufficient Savior

Even though I knew Jesus took my sin, I still bore the burden of my children’s sin. I mentally, emotionally, and often physically bore the weight of it. God deals with my sin, therefore I should deal with my kids’ sin. I’m God’s ambassador to them, after all.

Yes, but I am not the Savior.

Even though I knew Jesus took my sin, I still bore the burden of my children’s sin.

Whenever I think back to that conversation, I’m reminded that I’m not built to bear my kids’ sin. There is only One strong enough to bear the guilt of others, and his name is Jesus. That sweet woman in charge of those day camps made that clear to me.

Parents, take on the light yoke of pointing your children to Jesus. Your role as a parent does involve discipline. It does involve being an ambassador. It does involve prayer, training, and correction. But it does not involve bearing some kind of “righteous guilt” over what they have done.

Teach your children right from wrong (the law). Teach them also what God has done for our wrong, and what that means for us (the gospel).

Jesus bore the weight of sin on the cross. He alone is the weight-bearer, and what a relief his strength is—especially on our worst days.

What's Worrying Our Girls

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

What’s Worrying our Girls

By nature, girls want to please. Girls define themselves against a backdrop of relationship. Feeling known and loved is crucial. So to say something that might sound crazy or weird, or might make others reject them, can feel like a terrible risk. You might not like me anymore, they think. Even more than that, you might not love me. You might think I’m crazy. Maybe I am . . .

And so the thought that should be a flash gets stuck. It becomes what I refer to daily in my offices as the one-loop roller coaster at the fair. The thought goes around and around and around in the quiet of kids’ heads and becomes deafening.

The Worry Monster

I feel sick. I’m going to throw up.
 I can’t go to school. No one there likes me.
 I have to check and recheck this until I get it right. I can’t mess up. A little fear becomes a big worry. And that worry loops around and around and around . . . until it feels a lot like a gigantic, catastrophic, insurmountable monster of anxiety. We’ll call him the Worry Monster.

In her worries, your daughter often feels alone. She doesn’t know that others feel the same way, because it’s too scary to put her worries into words. Maybe people won’t like her. Or they’ll think she’s weird. So she thinks she’s the only one and that something is wrong with her.

This isn’t unusual. When something goes wrong in a girl’s world, she usually blames herself. (Boys are much more likely to blame someone else, such as Mom. Sorry, moms.)

How Parents Can Help

It doesn’t help that we adults often don’t know she’s battling a worry monster. We only see her tears. Or anger. Or hear the endless questions. Her outsides don’t match her insides, and her worries come out sideways through a whole host of other emotions. We don’t understand. Neither does she.

The more she listens to the tricks the Worry Monster tries to play on her, the stronger he gets. But the more we learn about her Worry Monster, the weaker he gets.

When your daughter has a little help, a lot of empowerment, and a foundational faith, worries don’t have to carry the same power in her life.

It’s how you and she respond that makes the difference. Our goal is to understand fear, move through worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

Understand the fear, move through the worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

When Worry Turns Into Anxiety

Worry turns into anxiety for a variety of reasons. Trauma can cause a child who worries to develop anxiety. Genetics can, as well. Personality, environment, life circumstances, and a whole host of factors can cause a child who worries to become a child with anxiety. As I said, fears pass with time, experience, and trust. Worries come and go, for all of us. But anxiety, left untreated, only gets worse.

With anxiety, we’ve got a really wide scope. It’s not “of” or “about” something. It’s “I have” or “I am.”

It’s a state of being: “I have anxiety,” “I am anxious.” And sadly, this state often comes to define us or the kids we love. In all my years of counseling, I’ve never had so many girls give me “I am” statements as they have about anxiety in the past five or so years.

Just as there is a continuum from fear to anxiety, there is also a continuum within anxiety itself.

Anxiety looks different on different girls. It varies in intensity and expression.

Girls with anxiety overestimate the threat and underestimate themselves and their ability to cope. The worst-case scenario becomes a normal life perspective.

Another primary factor of anxiety is that anxiety is born out of fear but has a response that is disproportionate to the fear itself.

understand fear, move through worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

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Why Her?

Maybe you’ve noticed that your daughter seems to have more fears than her friends do. Maybe she talks often about worst-case scenarios. Maybe her teacher has mentioned anxiety. Or your girl has. Whatever the situation, I know you want your daughter to feel braver, stronger, and smarter. You want her to have a faith that brings her peace and comfort. But, right now, it’s not happening. The Worry Monster seems to have a bigger voice than she does. And, because her Worry Monster is in control, your Worry Monster is starting to turn up the volume with you.

I got a text from a friend this week who knew I was working on this book. “Here’s the deal,” she said. “We want to know:

1. How we can help our kids, and

2. What we did to cause this problem. We’re all feeling a lot of mom guilt over here.”

I do not want you to be reading this with, or out of, mom guilt or dad guilt or anyone guilt. If your daughter is a worrier or has anxiety, I know you may be asking yourself, “Why her?” She is very likely asking herself, “Why me?”

Let me tell you what I say to every girl facing anxiety: “You feel this way because you’re really great. The smartest, most conscientious, try-hard, care-about-things girls I know are the ones who struggle with anxiety. It’s honestly because you’re awesome. You care so much, and that’s the bottom line of why you worry.”

I’m serious, let’s start there. The girls I see who live with anxiety are some of the most hardworking, caring, intentional, kind, brilliant girls I know. Things matter to them. Everything matters to them, which can make life hard. And it can make it hard to know when or how to turn that kind of care off.

The smartest, most conscientious, try-hard, care-about-things girls I know are the ones who struggle with anxiety.

She’s Not Alone

Also, it’s helpful for her to know she’s in good company. I tell girls that anxiety is the primary mental health problem among children and teens. Not that I would use that the phrase “mental health” in my office with girls themselves, necessarily.

But it does help her a lot to know she’s not the only one struggling. I explain it more like, “I talk to girls every day who worry more than they wish they would. They have trouble turning those good brains of theirs off, and so they have lots of looping thoughts.

And believe me, I have heard girls say they’re worried about everything you can imagine. There is nothing you could say that would surprise me or make me think less of you.”

Helping Preteens Discover Courage

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

When we hear the word courage, we often think of these grandiose moments of bravery. Experiences like leaping off a high-dive, trying out for an ultra-competitive team, or taking your first step off a zip-line seem like the most appropriate ways for us to help our kids to understand courage.

But what if courage is more ordinary than that? What if courage is an idea that shows up in the everyday as we interact with friends and family, go to school, and navigate the world of extra-curricular activities?

Read anything on Generation Z, and you’ll find that stress and anxiety are hallmarks of these kids and teenagers. On the surface, it might appear that preteens primarily eat (pizza, gum, and anything with the word sour in it), sleep (nightly campaigning to push their bedtime an hour later), and go to school (begrudgingly). So, if that’s really all they do, why do they always look so tired and frazzled?

Days of rest really don’t really exist anymore. The reality is that preteens are feeling caught in their schedule, their access to culture, and the pressure to succeed. And the expectations placed on them are often too unrealistic for them to handle. As preteens figure out how to navigate these expectations, they face unprecedented anxiety.

But we know they don’t have to navigate these feelings on their own. We can help them discover how to find courage to face those expectations and come out stronger on the other side.

Here are some quick ideas to get you started:

1. The Courage to Say No.

The first step in navigating their stressful world is learning how to discern which activities are worth their time and will give them life rather than stress them out. Learning how to say “no” will be a skill they’ll use for the rest of their life. And yes, it sometimes takes courage not to do something because they’ll feel like they’re missing out or letting someone down. Help them understand that creating breathing room in their schedule will be more beneficial to them in the long run.

2. The Courage to Try New Things.

Make practicing courage a regular part of your family. Whether it’s a new cuisine, a new vacation spot, or a new activity, your family can set the tone for what it means to have courage. The more we try new things, the easier it becomes to, well, try new things. We want to raise kids who will meet the challenge of the world head on, which most often will take them out of their comfort zone. Teach them what this can look like while they’re still with you and learning what it means to be an adult.

3. The Courage to Ask for Help.

Help kids realize that they don’t have to struggle on their own. We all need others to help us figure things out from time to time. During the preteen years, our kids will be stretched in all sorts of ways and will need help sorting it all out. Learning to ask for help, could be the key to their long-term success.

4. The Courage to Fail and Make Mistakes.

Help your kids understand that failure and mistakes are part of the learning process. How we respond when our kids bring home a bad grade, get in trouble at school, or miss their free-throws will determine what they believe about failure. Create a safe place at home where failure is a catalyst to success, rather than a reason to stop trying.

5. The Courage to Be Themselves.

The preteen years play a huge role in the formation of their identity. They can go from skate punk to preppy in a matter of a few days depending on their latest group of friends. Don’t freak out, but give them space to discover who they really are and what they like. Encourage them to be confident in who they are as individuals created in the image of God rather than what their peers might think of them.

Your kid will face all sorts of situations throughout their preteen years that will require him or her to summon an added dose of courage. But remember, your words and actions have power in their life. Speak life to them. Be their biggest cheerleaders. Be the one that offers the most grace. Your constant love and support could be the catalyst for how they show courage in the future.

Growing With Parent Podcast

Drs. Kara Powell and Steve Argue coauthored the book Growing With: Every Parent’s Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in Their Faith, Family and Future. Join Kara and Steve as they have real conversations with thoughtful parents about the ups and downs of parenting adolescents and emerging adults.

Click here to go to their podcast page.

Making Your Home a Sanctuary for Your Family

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

One of my favorite movie scenes is from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. In this scene, the city is burning all around because the minister of justice is trying to capture a gypsy woman to burn her at the stake. But the hunchback, who has been held prisoner inside the church his entire life, turns his prison into a safe haven after he swoops down and rescues the innocent woman.

The hunchback stands with the woman held high in his arms over his head. Her limp body drapes over his hands like the shape of a cross, and he yells out with all his might to the crowds below, “Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Sanctuary!”

That’s the kind of passion we should have about making our homes a place of peace and safety—a respite for the weary souls of those who live there and those who visit.

That’s not an easy task in today’s fast-paced society. Many people only come home long enough to sleep, and then they are off again—trying to attend all the meetings and extra-curricular activities every night after working all day. Home is more like a pit stop than a place of rest—run to the bathroom, warm up some cold fried chicken, grab a caffeine-infused drink, and rush off to the next stop.

A place that fosters peace

But home doesn’t have to be that way. Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29).  Even God rested from His work of creation (Genesis 2:3). The day of rest was consecrated, and we were commanded to take a Sabbath. If God rests, how much more should we? Home should be a place that fosters peace, not chaos.

With a little effort, we can make our homes a sanctuary—the place we come to be safe from the world—a place of peace, rest, and safety for you and your spouse and your kids. Here are some ways to create the setting.

1. Fill your home with grace.

Everyone is going to make mistakes. Everyone needs to be treated better than he or she deserves. Let home be the place where you seek out the good in others. Psalm 34:14 says, “. . . Seek peace and pursue it.” Look for ways peace and grace can abound.

Work out problems that linger, and learn to let little things go. Yes, there are going to be punishments and discipline, but let the tone of your home be love first. Let it exude forgiveness, kindness, and mercy.

2. Filter what messages come into your home.

What do your children watch on television? How are the attitudes of the characters they admire? What do your children see on their computers? Do you know what kinds of kids do they associate with at school? These are the kinds of influences that can change the attitude of your family members. You can’t eliminate every bad influence, but you can keep aware and identify the problem areas.

For example, one of my children was having outbursts of anger. I started evaluating his influences, and it became clear that every time he was allowed to play video games on the smart phone, he was markedly more irritated and aggressive. There was nothing wrong with his video games. They weren’t violent or inappropriate in any way, but for his personality type, the games made him irritable.

So they had to go. After just a few days, he was like a new child. I’ve taken the games away permanently so that our family, including my son, can be at peace.

3. Don’t overload your schedule.

More and more studies are coming out about how busyness actually harms kids. They need time just to be kids—to build forts in the backyard, draw and create, and use their imaginations. Those things are much more important than being on sports teams all year long or signing up for every available church activity.

There’s nothing wrong with participating in local activities from time to time, but it shouldn’t be a way of life. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” I’m not sure what causes the pressure that insists “good parents put their kids in as many activities as possible,” but that simply isn’t true.

Your kids need down time at home. I’m amazed at how much my kids want to be at home. They prefer to eat at home, play at home, and relax at home. When we have a free Saturday, I’m ready to go somewhere, but the kids want to do nothing but enjoy being at home.

4. Emphasize prayer and give permission to talk about fears and anxieties.

Sometimes the battle in your home can be in the hearts of its occupants. Internal strife can affect the entire household, and conversely, when kids and spouses feel the freedom to communicate their hurts and fears, they are set free. They know someone cares; someone is willing to shoulder their burdens and be there for them.

And those burdens should also be taken to the Lord. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Through prayer, your kids will know how they can live in peace even in the midst of turmoil.

In my house, I spend time with the little ones every night and ask them to tell me their best and worst parts of the day. Then I ask them if there’s anything they need to talk about. Sometimes I know they’ve had a bad day, and I ask about the situations specifically, even the hard questions. Then we pray about it. The kids have learned where to go with their troubled hearts, even when Mom can’t fix it.

Don’t make it complicated

Making your home a sanctuary shouldn’t be complicated. It doesn’t take special Bible studies, highlighters, group activities, or calendars. Throw away all the thoughts in your head that say, Good parents take their kids to . . . or My neighbor’s kids are so cultured. Maybe I should . . .

Your kids do have needs, but they look more like this: grace, unplanned time, space to grow, guidance, and unconditional love. It’s not complicated, but in this world, it’s also not easy. Let me challenge you to make your home a place of peace—a sanctuary. Then make time to enjoy that safe space with your family and friends.

Something To Remember When You Feel Anxious as a Parent

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

There’s something about becoming a parent that activates anxiety in many of us.

For me, it happened when we were leaving the hospital with each kid (I have three). Adding an additional passenger or two or three to our ride increased the stakes tenfold. I became hyper aware of not only my own driving, but also ever other car around us and every bump in the road.

Of course it didn’t end there.
There were moments when nothing seemed to calm a crying infant.
Or the time I lost one of my twin boys in Walmart.
Or when they get on the bus for the first time.
Or go play at a friend’s house.
Or try out for something new.
Or go to a dance.
Or have a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Or drive a car.
Or start a job.

All of these moments are a normal part of parenting, but that doesn’t always mean we handle them well.

They feel big. Overwhelming to some of us.

And depending on our own past experiences or fears, we can add extra weight to each of these moments.

Also the less control we have over a situation, the more anxious some of us can become. (Oh, how I envy you “roll-with-the-punches” parents.)

And the older your kids get, the less control you have.

You can’t control every conversation or every interaction when they go to school, like you could when they were on the playground.

You can’t control every decision or environment.

So you have to remember to do one thing that is so incredibly hard when you feel anxious. (I’m even reluctant to type it because I know there are instances where it might fail.)

But here it is . . . you have to trust.

You have to trust your kid. Even though he or she may blow it.
And you have to trust God. Even if the outcome may look different than you think it should.

Because there’s a bigger story happening.
There is a shaping and molding of your child to become the adult they need to be.

And there’s a shaping and molding of you becoming the kind of parent you need to be both now, and to your future adult child.

There will be some things that feel really big that bring on your anxiety. And sometimes they are.
But there will also be some things that in hindsight really weren’t.

But through it all, we can experience peace. Because no matter how big the moment feels, there is a hope and a story that is bigger than what is happening in the moment.

Growing With - Book and Resources

“Sticky Faith” and “Growing With” are a few great books and accompanying resources that help parents be on the journey of life and faith WITH our kids. The Fuller Youth Institute has tons of materials and resources that are so helpful to parents. Check out some of the resources below:

Growing With Podcast

Other Growing With Resources

Sticky Faith Resources

Why Take Your Kids to Church?

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.org.

Nap schedules, feedings, teething, separation anxiety, sickness, sports—when your kids are young, it seems like everything is working against your ability to attend church. Many Sundays, it seems much easier to just stay home.

Is going to church worth it? Absolutely. Even if you have to spend most of the service in the “cry room” with your baby, here’s why you should make regular church participation a part of your family culture from the get-go.

Your kids will see you prioritize church.

Church participation is not an area where you want to use your “do as I say, not as I do” card. Growing up, I knew we were going to church every Sunday. My parents were leaders in the church, and it was never a question, it was just a part of our family rhythm.

This made it a no-brainer for me once I moved away from home. As parents, you have the opportunity to set that precedent now for your future young adults.

Your kids will develop spiritually.

It’s amazing to hear the truth and Bible stories little ones are able to retain! It is never, ever too early for them to hear that Jesus loves them. They’re never too young to be told that God made them and that He is good. Being present on Sunday mornings provides an opportunity for them to hear this affirmed from someone besides their parents.

You will develop spiritually.

Even if you and your spouse have to take turns hanging in the lobby with your toddler who refuses to stay in the nursery, you will learn something! Corporate worship times are powerful, too. That experience simply doesn’t happen when you choose to watch the gathering online from home.

You will be a part a local expression of the church.

The connections I have at church are such a lifeline for me. A healthy church is filled with people a few steps ahead of you who can be mentors, people in your stage of life who can be friends, and people a few years behind you who you can help develop. These relationships will be some of the most enriching you’ll ever have. You need the church, and the church needs you.

You will have the opportunity to serve.

God wired you with gifts, interests, and abilities, and they aren’t for your enjoyment only! An elder in the church I grew up in once said that too many of us show up to church with our bibs on, ready to consume, when we should be showing up with an apron, ready to serve.

Ephesians 4:12 tells us that Christ gave Himself to “equip the saints [that’s us!] for works of ministry, for building up the body of Christ …” Here’s the incredible bonus about serving: once you’re in a well-functioning volunteer role that’s a good fit, you will be just as fulfilled as those receiving your gifts! God designed it that way.

The writer of Hebrews says it best: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (10:24-25). It is an honor and privilege to be a part of a church—one that believers in many parts of the world are literally dying for.

Take whatever steps you need to in order to make Sundays more manageable for you. Lay out clothes the night before. Prepare the simplest breakfast you can think of. Give yourself loads of extra time to compensate for the inevitable diaper blowout or other unforeseen event.

Showing up will be worth it.

3 Uncomfortable Questions Most Parents Don't Ask But Should

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

Someone once said, “you’ll never realize the importance of something until it’s gone.” This is true in so many areas of life, especially in parenting. When raising children, the days seem so long but the years seem so short. And as a result, parents often overlook tough questions during the parenting years that they later will wish they had prioritized.

They are tough topics, yes. And while it isn’t easy to think about them, it’s important to address them before it’s too late—especially by asking these three uncomfortable questions.

1. Will any of my children rebel when they are grown?

“What’s in your child’s heart will determine what’s in your child’s future.”

While there is no way to tell what the future holds, parents instinctively are given firsthand access to the direction of their child’s heart more than anyone else. A parent’s greatest responsibility is not to be a rule-enforcer or a family referee. A parent’s greatest responsibility is to nurture and protect their child’s heart. Because what’s in your child’s heart will determine what’s in your child’s future. We’ve found in our own family that this is hard to track.There is so much being thrown at our kids from every directionthat it requires our intentionality to protect their hearts and their futures.

2. Are my children actually learning how to be great spouses and parents?

Have your kids ever looked up at you and said, “I want to be a daddy just like you someday”? I can remember when mine have. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that our children one day will become adults—mothers and fathers, husbands and wives. And what they are learning now is what will shape them into the adults they will become. It is most important to remember that more than our children will become what we say, they will become who we are.

3. Do my children even know to handle forgiveness, bitterness, and reconciling relationships?

Everyone gets hurt by others. And everyone hurts others. Pain is a two-way street. Learning to deal with it properly is key to living successfully. And one of the greatest ways to set your child up for relational success is for them to see you being quick to forgive, willing to reconcile, and letting go of things that hold you back from your full potential as a person and as a parent. To live successfully, our children must learn how to deal properly with life’s hurts and they need our example and help to know how to navigate their own.

I heard this quote recently: “Our world 20 years from now will be what we have raised our children to be today.” How true. Our parenting has a multi-generational effect, and so we intentionally need to ask ourselves what patterns are we setting for our grandkids and what kinds of traits we want to make sure get transferred to future generations through our children, such as respect, generosity, and faith. Unfortunately, important factors like these can fall by the wayside and be lost forever in just one generation. As you honestly think on these three uncomfortable questions today, here’s a great reminder: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” -Frederick Douglas

Choosing Trust in the Moment

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

One of the things I admire the most about kids is the way they live in the moment. They don’t have to be responsible for things like retirement plans . . . coordinating the calendar . . . or figuring out what’s for dinner.

Can I be honest and tell you that’s one of the things I miss the most about childhood?

Think about the last time you started out on a family car trip. Before you’ve even left the driveway, your kids immediately ask to listen to a song or put on a movie.

“Give me a minute,” you say (with no small amount of frustration). After all, you’re thinking 10 steps ahead. As the responsible adults, we need to give our minds a chance to transition from what we’ve been managing to whatever we’re managing next. But kids? They’re in the moment, all the time.

They aren’t thinking about the route you need to take. They aren’t worried about road construction or traffic, or that new sound that just started from the back of the car that wasn’t there yesterday.

Kids don’t have control of any of those things. They have no choice but to trust.

They trust that you’ll get them to wherever you’re going, safe and sound. If something goes wrong, they trust you to fix it. They’re completely dependent on you for all those “adult things” that you spend all your time trying to manage.

Of course, those days of blind trust don’t last forever. As kids grow and change and mature on the path to adulthood, they move from dependence to independence—from reactivity to responsibility.

That’s good. That’s healthy. But there’s a cost. When we grow up, we have to take ownership. We feel like we have to take control . . . and if we’re honest, that can make it a lot harder to trust.

We don’t like it when life surprises us and takes us out of the driver’s seat. But it’s not a question of if we’ll get kicked out from time to time; it’s a question of when.

Those are the moments when it’s most important for us to trust—for ourselves, and for our kids who are watching. After all, we can choose. We have full ownership of our actions, but at same time, we don’t have to abandon the innocent trust that came so easily during childhood.

We might not see an easy solution to the problem. But even in the midst of that tension, we can choose to open our hands and say, “I don’t know what to do. But God, I trust You.”

It’s nice when trust leads to a happy ending. I like it when I can show my kids that everything works out the way I hoped it would—because then I can easily point to God’s faithfulness along the way. But I think the decision to trust is the teachable moment . . . not the outcome. When I feel out of control, I can still choose to trust God and believe that my life is in His hands. I don’t have to wait until everything is fixed; I can be honest with my kids and let them see the emotions that I’m struggling with along the way.

Our kids don’t have a lot of control in their lives—yet. But maybe we can model for them what it looks like to trust, regardless of the outcome. When they grow up, they won’t forget it.

7 Ways to Know if Your Kids Will Choose Church in College

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

The very fact you’re asking if your kids will go to church in college reveals a couple things. First, you care. Within your heart is a profound longing for your kids to stay tethered to the local church and to continue to make their faith their own. This is honorable and right.

Second, you sense something is awry in the culture. You’ve detected trends in society that aren’t leading your kids toward the local church in college, but away from it. You’re spot-on. If worshiping consistently at a local church has ever been an uphill battle, it’s now. And our kids are in the thick of it.

But let’s not complicate things. Kids do what they like. Why can’t that be church?

Upon graduating from high school, our kids will see going to church in college as naturally as eating food and taking showers if we take care of a few things on the front end. Although we know there are no guarantees.

Still, consider these 7 questions as guides for helping you launch your kids toward cherishing church in college too.

1. Is Christianity real in your home?

Your kids can sniff out poser-Christianity quicker than you can say, “Amen.” If the gospel of grace isn’t found in the home, there will always be a disconnect between your student and church.

In their minds, church wields no power if it can’t even affect your day to day at home. Not if the “Christian stuff” done on Sunday isn’t consistent with the rest of the week.

This doesn’t mean Bible studies twice a day, every day, or “household corporate worship time!” Please, don’t check off more formalities in place of true, and sometimes messy, faith modeled in your home.

Are we, the parents, quick to confess our temper-flares? Do we display growth (however slowly) in our own spiritual walks with Jesus? Do we let our kids in on that? Are we interested in making our lives about us or about God? As evidenced by how we spend our money, how we spend our time, how we view others …

If kids see real faith, they notice. It’s irrefutable, attractive, and they’ll want to follow.

2. Is church a priority to you right now?

It’s standard leadership advice that our followers (in this case, our kiddos) are always three steps behind. They’re never quite at our level.  This means if we’re only making 35 Sundays each year, they’ll (instinctively) make 20 when they are on heading to church in college on their own.

In other words, to expect our kids to improve on the church attendance model we showed them is, frankly, fantasy. That said, it is possible. But don’t count on it.

I, for one, am one such an anomaly. In God’s goodness, a few fantastic friends surrounded me in the first few weeks of college. It’s hard to sleep in on a Sunday morning when someone is pelting your face with a pillow, screaming, “Service starts in eleven minutes! C’mon!”

3. Who surrounds your kids?

I forgot who said it, but it’s worth repeating: you are the average of your closest five friends. Parents, it’s our duty now to help filter our kids’ friends.

While the hammer should be used sparingly here, an apathetic mindset could lead your kid down a destructive path. This isn’t to say your kid shouldn’t befriend nonbelievers—quite the opposite!

But they need an A-team friend group. It’s difficult to argue with Proverbs 13:20: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise.” Practically, communal belief is a real thing.

There’s this undeniable social phenomenon that if the people you’re surrounded with believe X, so will you.  In his book, Evangelism in a Skeptical World, Sam Chan says, “People will find a story more believable if … their trusted friends and family … also believe the story” (p. 43). Help surround your kids with characters in the story of God’s incredible mission through the local church.

4. Is church a safe place?

Honestly, if your church has an air of legalism about it, where the rules are crushing and the self-righteousness is repulsive, fresh birds from the nest are going to scurry for the hills. Teens have no palate for gross religiosity.

If, however, the free gospel of grace in Jesus is both preached and felt, life without it feels wrong. Our kids will crave it. How can they not? There’s nothing else like it!

For this reason, position your family in a church where the gospel is in the doctrine and in the culture. This takes precedence over location, music-style, or “but my friends go here!” This will make them yearn for a church in college like this too.

5. Are your kids engaged in church?

I attended an Arkansas Razorback football game last season. Does that make me a Razorback? Of course not! In the same way, sitting in a chair every Sunday morning doesn’t make your student a Christian. Nor does it tether your kid to the local church.

However central Sunday morning worship is to your student, they need to serve, participate, and engage, too. Are your teens serving in children’s ministry? If you’re renting a space, are they helping set up? Are they active in the youth group? What’s the last mission trip they served on?

Here’s the truth: the more your kids are engaged in church, the more they are engaged with God, God’s people, and God’s mission. If your student can get the why of church—as opposed to, “It’s just that tradition we have for Sunday morning”—they’re more likely to engage in church in college once independent.

6. Do you prioritize your kids’ spiritual growth?

Often, students aren’t engaged in church (see #4 above) because of their busy schedules. Parents, this is something we need to deeply consider.

The chief struggle for today’s youth pastors is that parents aren’t prioritizing their kids’ spiritual lives. I know, I know. This is coming from a youth pastor (hidden agenda, muhaha). But, truly, in my experience, the almighty college resume is bowed to over spiritual growth nine times out of ten.

Sorry, Justin, but Curtis will miss the next three zillion youth groups because of debate team. No, Madeline can’t do the Honduras trip this summer … she might make regionals in ballet!

I get it. I’m not trying to combat the world here. It’s always good things on the schedule. But with this model, why are we appalled at the statistics? Kids leave church because they don’t value it … because they weren’t taught to value it. Will you be different?

7. Are their big questions being answered?

Your kids do have big questions. Who am I? Where did I come from? Do I matter? What is my identity? How should I view others?

And someone is giving them answers. Is it you or the culture?

We, the church, must lean into the hairy questions rattling around in their heads. Let’s strive to create an environment where it’s safe to express doubts, fears, and questions. Faith rots when doubts and questions are kept silent.

Parents, start now. Ask them what they are asking. If they stump you, go study up and come back. You aren’t the Bible Wizard. But you are the caring parent, tenderly hushing the chaos inherent to growing up in a fallen world.

Read through these questions. Pray fervently as you do. Consider your lifestyle, their lifestyle, and take a step today. With His gracious help, all the hope in the world is yours for the taking.

A Parenting Roadmap for Social Media

* The following article was copied from www.careynieuwhof.com.

By Jeff and Wendy Henderson

Parenting is much like a pendulum.

The tighter you pull back on the pendulum the faster it pulls away when you ultimately release it.

The aim of parenting is releasing our kids into the world, prepared and ready. It’s why we should slowly but consistently release the pendulum throughout the teenage years.

In the early years, pulling tightly on the pendulum makes perfect sense. This is the season of car seats. But before you know it, the one in the car seat will literally be in the driver’s seat driving away.

If we still treat them like they are in the car seat when they are teenagers, they will drive away unprepared to make decisions as an adult.

If we still treat them like they are in the car seat when they are teenagers, they will one drive away unprepared to make decisions as an adult.

In our presentations to parents about social media, we hear (and understand) the strong temptation to completely control, restrict and ban its use in the lives of their kids. And, that might be the right call for some teenagers in certain seasons and for certain reasons.

Our concern though is what happens when the kids go off to college or ultimately leave the home – which, by the way, is the goal.

When the parenting pendulum has been so tightly pulled back, controlled and restrictive, the natural counter-reaction is to swing wildly in the other direction when released. There’s a phrase for this.

It’s called Freshman Year.

When the parenting pendulum has been so tightly pulled back, controlled and restrictive, the natural counter-reaction is to swing wildly in the other direction when released.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY

We can apply this parenting principle which is so helpful and true when our kids are teenagers:

Great parenting isn’t controlling. Great parenting is coaching.

Great parenting isn’t controlling. Great parenting is coaching.

This is true in all areas of life, and social media is one of them.

Coaching our kids on how to use technology is a much better strategy than simply controlling their technology use. That’s not to say you give up control. Remember, you are the parent. You are in control. But as Andy Stanley says, “Approach is everything.”

How we approach our kids on this and any topic makes all the difference.

Think of it like teaching our kids how to drive a car. If we dug in our heels and said, “There are a lot of things that could go wrong. You are not driving a car,” well, that’s an approach. But probably not a healthy one.

The better approach is what we normally do. It’s a process.

There is a learner’s permit, driving school and rules for the road.

We don’t just hand a teenager keys to a car and say, “Good luck.”

And yet, sometimes, that’s what happens with technology. We hand our kids a phone and say, “Good luck” with very little training or coaching.

It’s why social media should be like learning to drive. There should be a learner’s permit, driving school and rules for the road.

Since this doesn’t currently exist, we are going to give you ideas for each one of these.

The ultimate goal of this parenting roadmap is helping you slowly release the parenting pendulum so that when you ultimately release it the result isn’t a wild swing in the opposite direction. It results in our kids being released with the wisdom and maturity to make the best decisions possible.

Coaching our kids on how to use technology is a much better strategy than simply controlling their technology use.

LEARNER’S PERMIT

Before you begin coaching your kids on social media, it’s helpful to begin with some basic rules regarding their phone use:

• Please repeat this statement to your kids over and over: “The primary reason you have a phone is so that I can get in touch with you. It is not so you can get in touch with your friends.”

• The “Find my Friends” app is your friend. Our kids know we are tracking them via their phone and we know exactly where they are. This is a great gift to us as parents (though we’re glad our parents didn’t have this!)

• Limiting where their phone is used in the home will limit the use of their phone. (We discussed this in detail in our previous blog post.)

• Inform them of the monthly cost of their phone and when they can, have them contribute to the cost. This not only teaches them about technology but also about finances.

• Read their text messages. Yes, that’s right. Invade their privacy. We told our kids there should be no deleting of text messages. We didn’t tell them when we would read their text messages, only that we would from time to time. This helped provide some great conversations and coaching about how to respond to certain situations as well as getting a glimpse on what they are thinking. It also, perhaps, forced them to have an actual conversation with a friend versus texting about it. This was a win in and of itself.

Please repeat this statement to your kids over and over: “The primary reason you have a phone is so that I can get in touch with you. It is not so you can get in touch with your friends.”

DRIVING SCHOOL

You are the instructor of this school, even if you don’t consider yourself very tech-savvy. How the instructor drives is often how the student drives.

• No phones at the dinner table.

• When parents limit their own use of technology at home, it is modeling the way for their kids.

When parents limit their own use of technology at home, it is modeling the way for their kids.

• With any school, there are certain milestones and tests that lead to graduation. As we said in our last post, when our kids wanted to get on Snapchat, we had an age milestone of 16 years old. Until they were 16, it was non-negotiable. Once they reached 16, they had to watch the sermon series “The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley. Watching a series on love, sex and dating with your parents would certainly make any teenager wonder how much they really wanted a Snapchat account.

• Point out positive role models on social media. Often, we only hear the negative side of technology. However, there is a very positive side. We have had great discussions about what certain athletes or other role models have shared on social media – whether it is a quote or how they are living their lives. This, of course, would require you to be following and taking notes of how you can leverage the positive stories you find and using it as a part of your social media driver’s school. Take advantage of the positive stories out there and use them as coaching tools.

Point out positive role models on social media.

• Pick one social media channel and stay with that one for a year. There really isn’t any reason for our kids to have multiple social media channels starting out. It’s much easier for you to manage and train them with just one channel.

• Once you have selected that one channel, be sure to follow your teenager and make their account private. Keep an eye on whom they are following and who is following them.

• In most social media channels, you can be alerted when your teenager posts something. This allows you to encourage them on something they posted, or provide feedback if you didn’t like what they posted. Either way, the point is clear to your kids – you are paying attention to what they are doing on social media. It’s all part of the Social Media Driving School.

There really isn’t any reason for our kids to have multiple social media channels starting out.

RULES FOR THE ROAD

Think of these ten rules for the road as road signs and speed limits. You might even consider posting them somewhere in your house.

• Never text or post out of anger. It’s like going to the grocery store hungry. Both will lead to regret.

Never text or post out of anger. It’s like going to the grocery store hungry. Both will lead to regret.

• Ask this question before texting or posting: “Would I want my parents to read this?”

• Ask this question before texting or posting: “Will I regret this five years from now?”

• Criticize in person not online. If you have something negative to say, say it directly and privately.

• Are you able to take a break from social media for ten days? If not, it’s time to take a break from social media.

Are you able to take a break from social media for ten days? If not, it’s time to take a break from social media.

• Be an encourager online, not a critic.

• Be the same person online as you are offline.

• If you aren’t sure you should post it, don’t.

• The pictures you show of yourself should be modest and tasteful.

If you aren’t sure you should post it, don’t. The pictures you show of yourself should be modest and tasteful.

• Never determine your self-worth and identity from social media. If you do, you have given over control of your life to other people.

In many ways, parenting is more challenging today than ever before because these days of technology are unprecedented. While it is understandable to parent out of fear, it’s much better to parent out of faith knowing that God loves our kids more than we do and He has promised to give us wisdom when we ask.

While it is understandable to parent out of fear, it’s much better to parent out of faith knowing that God loves our kids more than we do and He has promised to give us wisdom when we ask.

Don't Give Up Praying for Your Children

* The following article was copied from www.desiringgod.org.

Several years ago I wrote an article suggesting seven things we parents can pray for our children. I still personally find them helpful. However, in making these suggestions, I included a qualifier:

Of course, prayers are not magic spells. It’s not a matter of just saying the right things and our children will be blessed with success. Some parents earnestly pray and their children become gifted leaders or scholars or musicians or athletes. Others earnestly pray and their children develop a serious disability or disease or wander through a prodigal wilderness or just struggle more than others socially or academically or athletically. And the truth is, God is answering all these parents’ prayers, but for very different purposes.

The more time passes, the more crucial this qualifier becomes for me. The more accumulated time I spend in Scripture, the more I read history, and the more I observe as I grow older, the less confidence I place in my perceptions of how things appear at any given point.

Trusting God, Not My Perceptions

I’ve lived long enough now to have watched a number of movements within evangelicalism surge and decline. I’ve seen numerous leaders rise and fall. I’ve seen spiritually zealous twentysomethings who got off to a strong, solid start become spiritually disillusioned thirty- or forty-somethings and falter, some abandoning the faith altogether. And I’ve seen spiritually disinterested, and in some cases dissolute, youth become spiritually vibrant, mature adults.

I’ve also been in close proximity to many parents who have raised children to adulthood. I’ve seen children of faithful, prayerful parents reject their parents’ faith, and I’ve seen children of unfaithful parents embrace Christ and follow him in spite of the profound pain they have experienced. This hasn’t made me skeptical of parental faithfulness, but it has made me less given to formulas.

“God is trustworthy, and what I think I see at any given time is not.”

And perhaps more than all that, I’ve also observed myself pass through various seasons of my own life. I’ve had seasons when I was full of faith and enthusiasm, and seasons of discouragement when I was a man of “little faith” (Matthew 6:30). I’ve endured seasons of dark depression and even faith crises. Well into middle age, one thing I know about myself is that I am “beset with weakness” (Hebrews 5:2). I can bear witness that God has been unfailingly faithful to me with regard to his word, even though I have frequently not been faithful in trusting him.

Yes, I’ve learned that God is trustworthy, but my perceptions regularly are not. I’ve learned — or more accurately, I’m learning — not to assume too much when it comes to human beings, myself included. Jesus set the example, for he “on his part did not entrust himself to [people] . . . for he himself knew what was in man” (John 2:24–25).

This is an invaluable lesson when it comes to praying for my children.

Parenting Pushed Me to Prayer

I am the father of five wonderful human beings. They are wonderful to me, not because they are prodigies I can boast in, but because they are human beings, “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God himself through the inscrutable historic process and genetic legacy of countless generations of fearful and wonderful humans — of which my wife and I are only the most recent contributors (Psalm 139:14). Sometimes I just stop and observe them, in awe of what and who they are, quite apart from what they do.

They are very much their own persons, very different from each other and their parents. They have unique temperaments, unique strengths and weaknesses, unique interests, and unique proclivities.

“If our children are doing well spiritually, they are not out of the woods. If they are not doing well, their story is not over.”

Like most young parents, my wife and I began our parenting journey with an almost unconscious assumption that if we did parenting “right,” our kids would embrace all we embrace without all the wrestling and pain and questioning we went through to embrace it. Though if you would have asked me that specifically back then, I would have denied it, theoretically knowing better. It’s just hard to avoid that early optimism.

But parenting has humbled me significantly. My weaknesses and limitations, I think, are most clearly exposed in fathering. The net effect this has had is to make me less confident in my abilities and efforts, and more dependent on, feeling more desperation for, the power of God to do for my children what he has done for me — a work of grace that I know my own parents would say occurred in spite of their weaknesses and limitations.

Two of my children have launched into independent adulthood, and three are in their teenage years. Over the years, I have watched many different kinds of spiritual ebbs and flows. They have lived in the same home with the same parents, who live out their faith before them in essentially the same way. They have attended the same churches. Yet they are each walking unique spiritual paths at their own unique speeds.

Ask, Seek, Knock

And here is where a parent’s faith is tested. We of course want our children to truly love the Lord Jesus, the true Pearl of great price, with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love their neighbor as themselves (Matthew 13:45–46; Luke 10:27). We very much want them to experience this as early as possible.

But we don’t know what the best way is for each of them to learn this. We don’t know God’s purposes or his timetable for revealing himself to our children. Nor are we allowed to peer into the mystery of God’s sovereignty in election as it relates to our children (Romans 8:29–30).

But all I have observed and experienced in Scripture and in life teaches me two things: God is trustworthy, and what I think I see at any given time is not. Which means what looks encouraging to me now could very well change in the future, and what looks discouraging to me now could very well change in the future. Therefore, I stand by what I wrote in that article more than ever:

So, pray for your children. Jesus promises us that if we ask, seek, and knock, the Father will give us good in return (Luke 11:9–13), even if the good isn’t apparent for forty years.

“If we ask, seek, and knock, the Father will give us good in return, even if the good isn’t apparent for forty years.”

That last phrase reminds me of Peter Hitchens’s story of his conversion (Peter is the late Christopher Hitchens’s brother). He recounts how, as a 15-year-old, he cast off what he saw as the bonds of religious faith and zealously embraced atheism, publicly burning his Bible to announce his liberation. Then came the slow, unexpected realization well into mature adulthood that what he once thought bondage was true freedom, what he once thought liberation was, in fact, bondage, and what he once thought ignorant darkness was actually light. I doubt anyone who knew the young-adult Peter Hitchens saw that coming.

Do Not Lose Heart

So, let us not give up praying for our children. This ministry of intercession is a lifelong calling. We must not assume too much when it comes to human beings. If our children are living and doing well spiritually, they are not out of the woods. If they are living and not doing well spiritually, their story is not over. Therefore, let us “always . . . pray and not lose heart” (Luke 18:1).

God is faithful. He will never default on his word. Let us be faithful to his call on us, and let us be faithful to our children by continually petitioning God on their behalf. He will not allow such a labor, no matter what the result is that he determines in his wisdom, to be in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58).