End of School Year: How to Prepare for the Next Phase

* The following article was copied from theparentcue.org.

Desks empty. Locker doors slammed—and lock combinations forgotten—for the last time. School-issued laptops returned to the front office. Color-coded, structured homeschool schedules loosened up a bit. Ah, yes. Summer is here.

School may be out for your kids, but it’s a perfect time to lean into new ways to support them as they grow, change, and enter into new phases. Because they will change, you know. The days may feel long, but the years are short, my friend. Your kids will not be the same next school year—their needs will be different, their worldviews will change, and the way they see themselves and others will undergo a transformation.

So, instead of getting caught by surprise when your kid morphs into someone completely different, first, know this is completely normal and to be expected. Second, you can equip yourself now with the tools you’ll need to make sure your kid is living in an environment that is safe for them to explore, make mistakes, and test boundaries.

For preschool parents, you can anticipate your kids continuing to push boundaries as they learn how to do things on their own, who they can trust, and if they’re safe. This is a time to reinforce they’re loved—even when you’re annoyed with their behavior—despite their choices and emotional outbursts. Resist the urge to interpret meltdowns as a weak spot in your parenting. It’s your kid’s job to learn what the boundaries are by testing them, and it’s your job to hold those boundaries steady with patience and understanding.

Elementary school parents, you’ll start to notice your kids are using their newfound skills they developed in the earlier phases and combining them with what they know now about how the world works to achieve their goals. It’s during this time between kindergarten and fifth grade that your kids are looking for you to engage their interests, notice them, and reinforce the idea that they are accepted and loved the way they are.

During the middle school years, parents start to really notice a battle of wills—your kid seems to fight you on everything these days, which can be quite frustrating. Just know your kid isn’t the only one—it’s during this phase kids will start to really focus on who they are and where they fit in. It’ll be a struggle for parents, but don’t lose heart: your kid is battling some tough stuff like insecurity and self-consciousness and they need you to affirm them positively. 

Newly-minted and seasoned high school parents alike, listen up: Almost everything you’ll go through in the next four years—and it will be a lot—will have a purpose. Promise. This phase is all about finding community and purpose, so your high schooler will test the waters to see where they fit in and what they believe in, and maybe in some maddening, unconventional ways. Your kid will have the desire to belong somewhere and to be a part of something bigger. The best thing you can do is make sure they have a place to belong right at home, and be a safe place for them to express themselves, even if their ideas differ from your own.

It’s always nice when you get a heads up in parenting, isn’t it? While you will encounter your own, personalized experience, hopefully, you’ll find yourself a bit more prepared for what’s to come. Looking for more resources along the way? Be sure to check out the Parenting Your . . .book series in the Parent Cue store.

The Unqualified

Six years ago, our older daughter had landed in timeout for a brief duration, at the end of which I attempted to reconnect and invite her to rejoin us downstairs. Unmoved by my attempts to reconcile and teach her to take responsibility for her choices, she put her petite little hands on her hips and insisted, “I’ve only been doing this kid thing for six years, mom!” Impressed, I countered, “Well, do you remember how the veterinarian goes to vet school, and the teachers go to teacher school, and the doctors go to doctor school?? THERE IS NO MOMMY SCHOOL!” Shocked and stunned, her brown eyes wide as quarters, she suddenly realized just how unqualified her mother was. I don’t think she’s ever forgotten.

Humorous anecdotes aside, let us consider that the parenting life is just as much about our growth as our children’s. Our heavenly Father is training us while we are training our children! Isn’t this parenting life so much about dependence on Him? Contrary to worldly wisdom, when we allow ourselves to be seen as imperfect to our children, we find common ground and compassion, leading us to places of trust-building intimacy with them. When we consider how we can steward our influence in our children’s lives, we transition from a barking drill sergeant to an encouraging coach. When we learn to expect imperfection and then enter into those delicate moments with quiet grace and maybe even a smile or a cookie, our children learn that their parents are not like the world; we are safe.

Throughout this parenting journey, the Lord has been so kind to reveal my shortcomings in small increments. I will also admit that learning to “let go of perfect” has hardly been a linear process. Have you ever thought about how the experience we have as parents is strangely similar to our children growing up? It’s both sobering and humbling. Because of our imperfections, we all require grace. When we offer this forward-looking grace to the little (or not so little) people in our homes, they are being equipped with graciousness as they move out into the world. Surely this will serve them well throughout their lifetimes.

In your family culture, where can you exchange your expectations of perfection for imperfection, and seize the opportunity to build trust with the young people in your home? I have a feeling that the Lord will present you with an occasion to practice this exchange very soon. I’ll be praying in the meantime.

With great hope,
Jennifer Ford - Parent

Play Builds Family Memories and Reduces Stress

* The following article was copied from www.homeword.com.

Play Builds Family Memories and Reduces Stress

Have you ever noticed that at extended family gatherings much of the conversation is about past family experiences? “Do you remember the time Grandpa fell in the lake when we were fishing?” “I will never forget the trip we took to Disneyland” and so on. Once at a gathering of youth workers and their spouses, Cathy and I asked a purposely vague question, “What are a few of your family memories?” A minority of people in the group brought up negative memories about a divorce or some other trauma in the home; but by far, most of them recalled memories about a time their family played together or a trip their family took. We were amazed at how many of the stories were not about trips to amusement parks, but rather times together camping, traveling, fishing with Grandpa—times centered on the outdoors and fun.

When my friend Tic Long goes on a trip, his family has a motto: No bad food, no wrong turns and no bad decisions. Basically what they are saying is to cut loose, relax and enjoy each other’s company instead of worrying about the details of the trip.

The point is to go on trips, play together and build memories—big memories and small memories. A healthy family takes time to play. Sure, it takes energy to make those memories happen, but it’s worth it in our day and age when there is so much stress and pressure on families.

Play Reduces Family Stress and Tension

You are overstressed if you . . .

• Experience a continual sense of urgency and hurry or have no time to release and relax

• Have an underlying tension that causes a lot of sharp words, sibling quarrels and marital misunderstandings

• Are preoccupied with escaping, finding peace, going on vacation, quitting work or fixing family relationships

• Constantly feel frustration about getting things done

• Have a nagging desire to find a simpler life

None of these factors is unhealthy in and of itself, but when they are added together and you experience them for an extended period of time, it is time to put away your work and responsibilities and take at least an eight-day, do-nothing-but-play vacation to find some perspective. We can learn from the Europeans; their culture is much healthier than the American culture when it comes to vacations. The average European is given almost twice as many days off from work a year as the average American. How crazy we are to raise our blood pressure to dangerous heights and work our fingers to the bone, to be overcommitted and fatigued most days and then try to recuperate with a two-week vacation—only to go right back to the grind. Each of us knows deep down in our heart that something is terribly wrong with our lifestyle choices.

So lighten up and figure out a way to reduce your family’s stress and tension. If you can’t find eight days to relax and lighten up, take five; if you can’t find five days, then take two days; if you can’t find two days, see a counselor because you are either on the road to burnout, or your life and family are already a mess.

Walking The Tight Rope: 3 Ways to Keep Your Kids Talking to You!

* The following article was copied from www.homeword.org.

Walking the Tight Rope: 3 Ways to Keep Your Kids Talking to You!

You ever feel like you are trying to figure out your next step, next statement when talking to your kids about an important topic. You realize that this talk, though isn’t the end all, it is important enough that you worry you will do or say the wrong thing that will reduce the likelihood that your kids will come back and discuss topics like this with you again! No pressure though! 

In my case, the conversation is about friendship and I realize that this one conversation is either the beginning or the end of conversations like these. See the problem is pretty common, the transformation of friendships coming into Middle School. The combination of 3 elementary schools pour into this one middle school, allowing my daughter and hundreds of others to get to know new peers. My oldest is kind, confident and loyal, however, with the new opportunities for new friendships her loyalty to old friends has come into questions. And frankly, I’m struggling with how to help! 

We want so badly for our kids to communicate these things to us, but often we say something “wrong” and it leads to frustration and them shutting down. So here are some ideas to keep the line of communication open: 

1. LISTEN, and then LISTEN some more. Too often I listen to the complaint of my children with only the intention of finding a solution. In our attempt to comfort we try to fix, which turns into us not listening at all, instead making our child feel both unloved and unheard! So we need to truly listen to what they are saying. If they are telling you their complaint, their story, it is a big deal to them and in itself should warrant our attention.

• Side note! This does not mean you need to sit and listen to the details of Minecraft or Tic Tok for 30 plus minutes as an act of love! If you spend an intentional, attentive and responsive conversation for even just 10 minutes this could be an invaluable act of love for your child. It’s not about the amount of time, but the intentionality in the moment.

2. ASK QUESTIONS NOT MAKE STATEMENTS! If we as parents continue to make declarative statements with no opportunity to oppose, our kids will not feel they can be safe in sharing their choices or their struggles. They hear judgement and our lack of faith in their decision making. Instead, when we ask them questions about what they think they should do, they feel our support and confidence in their decision making. And they could even turn it around and ask us what we think they should do!

3. LET THEM FAIL! Ok, this is the most counter intuitive statement a parent can live out. But here is the root of this statement, to let them fail is to love them! Wait what??!! Crazy I know, but hear me out. After we have listened well, prompted questions to help them determine what they think is best, then we allow them to live out the consequences of that choice! How is this love? It is in the lesson learned that has matured them so they can make better, wiser choices that ultimately help make them healthy adults! 

• I’m of course not talking about illegal or dangerous behaviors, but rather moral and character building decisions. Just like you wouldn’t do your child’s homework because you know that they need to learn the material so they can pass the test. As parents we should certainly still share our wisdom when discerned appropriate, however if they do not follow our guidance then we must release control and allow the natural consequences of their decisions.

So where does that leave me with my daughter and her friends? I’m trying to listen, letting her make her own decisions, sharing my concerns only briefly, and reminding myself that even though this is a tough season it is equipping her to be a healthy adult some day! 

How to Build a Bridge Back to Your Kid After an Argument

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

The morning after an argument—for me, it’s when the reality sets in. 

For some reason, I am wired to think more clearly in the morning. Coffee helps too. 

In the morning, I can sort through how I feel. It’s when I can evaluate the replay of the disagreement in my head. And I usually don’t feel 100 percent confident in how I handled something. 

But disagreements happen—especially with a middle or high schooler. As they are forming opinions about what they believe their world should or shouldn’t look like, sometimes it collides head-on into your own wisdom and experience. And while the idea of having a nice, rational discussion is an option, frequently it devolves into something else as parental fears and adolescent hormones create a verbal mess. 

So what do you do when the dust settles? 

How do you make sure the argument you had with your kid didn’t harm your relationship? 

How do you build a bridge to connect the two of you again? 

Here are a few ideas. 

Be honest with yourself.

Did you say something you shouldn’t have? Did you respond out of emotion, ignoring the things you wanted to say? You may need to apologize to your kid. If so, do it. It doesn’t make you less of a parent. It makes you human. 

Be gracious.

Did your child say something harmful? Give them a chance to explain themselves in a calm manner. Ask them, “When you said _______, is that really how you feel? What makes you feel that way?” Also, realize that if they said something harmful and they meant it, you’ve gained some insight into how they think or feel. Use that info to help you parent. It doesn’t mean their feeling is accurate, but it does mean it is what they believe to be true. Also, let it go. Forgive them. Yes, parents have to forgive their kids. 

Be real.

Just because you had an argument doesn’t necessarily mean you were wrong. But sometimes we can take the right stand in the wrong way. Assure your child of your love for them, even if you don’t agree on the outcome. 

Be okay.

It’s okay to disagree about something—even if you hate conflict. There is something important happening in your household when you have a disagreement with your child—you are teaching your child how to disagree in a healthy way. When that disagreement gets heated, be aware that you may need to talk through healthier ways to disagree. What are the ground rules, and how can you walk away from an argument with the relationship intact?  

Be fun.

Find other ways to connect relationally that have nothing to do with the argument. Go out to eat at your kid’s favorite restaurant. Go shopping. Work on a home project together. Do something that reminds you both that this relationship is worth fighting for.

How to Raise a Teenager Without Losing Your Sanity

* The following article was copied from www.homeword.com.

Parenting a teenager is not easy! If you’re raising an adolescent and having an easy time of it—something’s probably wrong! Though not easy, successfully parenting a teenager is by no means impossible! With God walking along with you every step of the way, raising a teenager can be a wonderful and rewarding experience! Here are some ideas to help you along during the journey:

1. Understand that rules without relationships lead to rebellion. Without maintaining a needed balance between the two, the tension level at home will probably escalate! Kids need limits and boundaries and a supportive, loving relationship with their parents.

2. Choose your battles wisely or you will be battling all of the time. Some things are worth drawing a line in the sand over. Most things are not. One thing is certain, if you choose to battle over everything, even if you win—your home will end up being a miserable environment for everyone who lives there!

3. Break the no-talk rule before it breaks your family. Successful families talk. Communication is vital for maintaining a healthy family. It is true that both parents and kids experience times where they don’t want to talk. Yet, each family member needs to be intentional and responsible to make sure that silence isn’t the rule, but the exception in your home.

4. Use a strategy of teaching to swim rather than sending in the lifeboats! It’s a given that parents don’t want to see their kids experiencing the painful consequences of poor decisions. Yet, too many parents “send in the lifeboats” in order to rescue their kids (and themselves!) from living with the consequences. Unfortunately, when parents rescue, kids don’t learn. Teach your kids to “swim.” It may be more painful in the short term, but in the long run, your kids will learn important lessons that will lead them into successful adulthood.

5. Connect behaviors with appropriate consequences. Inappropriate consequences for bad behavior leads teenagers into frustration and rebellion. Kids own what they help to create, so parents will do well to think through consequences by including their teenagers in considering what appropriate consequences are.

6. Catch teenagers in the act of doing something good. So much of what teenagers hear from the adults in their lives focuses on the negatives: “Why didn’t you do what I asked?” “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” “I can’t believe you would do something so stupid.” An important truth to consider is everyone needs affirmation in order to thrive. Regular, genuine affirmation is one of the true hallmarks of a successful family.

7. Know who your teenager’s friends are. Many parents experience undue anxiety and frustration simply because they don’t know their kids’ friends. Strive to make your home a place where your kids and their friends want to hang out. Don’t “hover” but do engage your teenager’s friends in conversation. Learn their names, and get to know them. It will likely result in learning a lot about your own teenager.

8. Know who your friends are. One way to keep sane as a parent of a teenager is to know who to turn to in a time of difficulty or crisis. Who can you turn to when parenting gets difficult? If you don’t already know, find out and make a list to have on hand if the time comes when you need it.

9. Make your family fun! Never underestimate the power of fun in contributing to the success of your family! The family that plays together, stays together! Keep (and share) your sense of humor! Nothing turns off teenagers more quickly than the adult who has lost his or her sense of humor.

The Only Things Your Kids Need This Christmas

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I don’t know about you, but fun and variety have been in short supply around our house since the pandemic started. Even though I’ve tried to make our home life as entertaining as possible given our circumstances, there’s something about quarantining at home that tends to suck out some of life’s fun after nine, long months. (Just ask my four-year-old, who has taken to running around the house in endless circles for fun.)

You know what else is in short supply? Money. For many of us, this pandemic has not only affected our comings and goings, it’s also affected our pockets. Like a lot of the world, our finances have taken a hit as a direct result of the pandemic—meaning my go-to Target runs for some retail therapy have dwindled to basic needs (adulthood can be so boring sometimes). We’ve also thrown a new baby into the mix, and even though they’re small, these little creatures need lots of stuff. 

So, if you’re anything like me, this holiday season is going to be different in a lot of ways—we’re not hanging out with family and friends like we used to; we’re not partaking in all the holiday, crowd-packed frivolity; and we’re certainly not dropping loads of money on gifts because we have no idea what the future holds. As a result, this holiday season seems to have lost a bit of its magic. (Cue sad, dejected music here.) 

I have to keep reminding myself of this one truth: Our kids won’t remember what they got for Christmas this year. Our kids will remember how they felt this holiday season.

We don’t have to have towering heaps of gifts under the tree or the perfect decorations to create lasting memories this year. Christmas magic isn’t contingent on how much you spend. The spirit of Christmas lives and thrives even when resources are low. 

Wanna know how? It’s this word that literally costs nothing to execute—connection. What our kids really want from us is to be a present parent. Quality time is the name of the game this year, folks. So, maybe that looks like:

Creating brand-new holiday traditions. 

Taking the ordinary and putting a special spin on it (think regular dinner, but adding a little candlelight). 

Being intentional about spending more quality time together. 

We will make it through this holiday season, friends. And who knows? It might be the best one yet. 

One Word That Can Lift Your Family’s Holiday Blues and Pandemic Woes

* The following article was copied from www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

“I just want to put up the Christmas tree and call it a year,” said a parent I know, sitting the requisite six feet from me on our back patio.

I chuckled given the timing of our conversation. It was mid-August.

After months of frustrating disruption, remote schooling and social upheaval, many of us optimistically envisioned a somewhat “normal” Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. But with the recent surge in COVID-19 diagnoses and deaths, treasured family and church holiday traditions seem doomed.

In a typical year, loneliness, fatigue, conflict with parents, school challenges, technology saturation and developmental angst can make kids’ celebration of our Savior’s birth far from “the most wonderful time of the year.” 2020 has piled on a pandemic, making this year anything but typical.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, anxiety has more than tripled across all generations since last summer (from 8.1% to 25.5%). Depression in the US has almost quadrupled (from 6.5% to 24.3%). Approximately half of young adults ages 18-24 are wrestling with anxiety or depression.

Research suggests that two-thirds of those dealing with stress and depression usually feel even worse over the holidays. Our viral woes, combined with upcoming “holiday blues,” threaten to level a one-two punch at the family members we care about most.

Withing: A new word to transform our holidays

Replacing the traditional hustle and bustle with small, socially-distanced or virtual gatherings is disappointing, but there is some pandemic light in the darkness. Mandated time at home allows parents, step-parents, household members, and caregivers the opportunity to see more, hear more, and care more deeply. Whether you’re in a living room or a Zoom room, my colleague, Steve Argue, and I recommend you redeem the power of this Advent and Christmas season through withing, a parenting term we introduce in our latest book, Growing With.

We coined withing to mean “growing as a whole family by supporting each other as children grow more independent.” As our teenagers and young adults mature and develop greater agency, withing enables us to provide the unwavering emotional and spiritual support they still need.

Four Christmas gifts withing can bring families

When dealing with anxiety and depression, it’s tempting to retreat into silence and avoid uncomfortable conversations. Withing presses against withdrawal with four deliberate moves. Families that intentionally grow up together won’t grow apart.

Withing makes mental health and struggles discussable. 

It’s time to stop worrying that asking our young people about stress or suicide will only make them feel worse. The opposite is generally true; talking about mental health is usually a relief.

Whether we’re knocking on our teenager’s bedroom door or reaching out to our twentysomething on FaceTime, withing challenges us to swim from the conversational shallow end into deeper discussion waters. If you’re unsure how to dive into a conversation about mental health, try asking your young person, “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst, how would you rate your anxiety?” If they answer a 1-3, explain that’s a normal level of anxiety we all experience from time to time. If they respond with a 4 or 5, you can further explore what’s causing the anxiety, pray with them and assure them them how Christmas means God with us  (Matthew 1:23). You can help them identify valuable coping strategies, along Scriptural truths that can serve as emotional and spiritual anchors—such as Psalm 46:10 (“be still and know that I am God”) and Philippians 4:6 (“be anxious about nothing; pray about everything”).

If they name 6 or above, they almost certainly need additional support from you as well as a friend, mentor, youth pastor, fellow church member, and at times, a trained mental health professional. Make withing a goal of your holidays and your homes will become the first places to talk about anxiety and depression, not the last.

Withing invites better questions. 

When bringing up any topic, a two-question strategy works effectively. Follow up a question with another slightly deeper question. This shows interest in a young person and increases our chances of having a genuine conversation instead of what feels like an inquisition or pop quiz.

So after you ask, “What’s your favorite show on Netflix these days?,” ask a second question, “Why do you think that show is so popular?” Or, after you ask a young person what they are doing in virtual or in-person youth group this month, invite them to tell you which part helps them feel closest to God. The reciprocity that’s core to withing means you are also ready to answer those same questions, as well as any others that come your way.

Withing embraces the highs and the lows. 

Early in the pandemic, my family accepted the advice of my good friend and Fuller Youth Institute teammate, Brad Griffin, to acknowledge both losses and blessings. We kept two lists at our kitchen table and added new pandemic “griefs” and “gratitudes” at every dinner. I think we might start two new lists for the holiday season so the five of us can reflect on the Emmanuel who is “with us” through our highs and lows.

I’m an optimist so I default to discussing the positive. Withing makes space at our family table for all our feelings, not just the warm and fuzzy ones. These 2020 holidays give families new opportunities to name our struggles and victories out loud, making them easier to discuss both now and in the future.

Withing balances both empathy and empowerment. 

Like all of us, young people want to be known. Our empathy, or our ability to notice and care, shows family members that in the midst of their stress and anxiety, we see them. We hear them. Perhaps most importantly, we get them.

As we empathize, we will realize our teenage neighbor is anxious after a sub-par volleyball practice not only because he fears he won’t get much playing time, but because he struggles with centering his identity in athletic performance. We are able to link our daughter’s stubborn determination to set her own final exam study schedule with her recent birthday and her growing quest for more independence. Empathy helps us push past the superficial and let the real story emerge.

Empathy without empowerment can lead a person to feeling known, but still stuck. Withing enables us to pinpoint where our family members stand, while simultaneously coaxing them to take a next faithful step.

One of my favorite phrases that merges empathy with empowerment is, “That stinks, and I think you can handle it. ”Depending on our context, we can modify that phrase to something like, “If I faced what you face this Christmas, I’d be anxious too. How can I help you figure out what to do next?” Or “That sounds so stressful. How can you experience God’s peace in the midst of all you’re juggling?” The exact wording will change, but withing’s intentional pairing of empathy and empowerment helps us now and throughout the new year.

While this holiday season will be different than most, our physical separation doesn’t need to lead to relational isolation. As you offer young people the gift of growing with them, this is your moment to start new and improved holiday traditions, conversations, and connections.

For additional help: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK or suicidepreventionlifeline.org) is a proven resource for young people in crisis as well as for concerned friends or family members.

In addition, the Steve Fund Crisis Text Line is a helpful service dedicated to the mental health and emotional well-being of young people of color that can be reached by texting STEVE to 741741, or visiting stevefund.org/crisistextline.

5 Dangers of Distracted Parenting

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

Have you ever noticed how many parents are looking down at their phones and not engaging with their children? I see it all the time at parks, libraries, and even in homes, and it breaks my heart. We have a generation of boys and girls growing up with minimal parent interaction. Maybe that’s you. I am not here to condemn but to awaken. Why? Because if adjustments are not made soon, the dangers of distracted parenting will manifest into considerably greater problems as these children age.

We are a decade into smartphones and social media—a decade into distracted parenting. Did you know that 90 percent of a child’s brain growth happens by age five? And in subsequent years, children learn who they are and how they fit in and they develop personal values and beliefs. They need their parents in these formative years. But our kids don’t get what they need from parents who constantly give their attention to lesser things. Unless we are really disciplined with our phones, we’re going to hurt our children. Here are 5 dangers of distracted parenting.

1. It stunts your child’s emotional growth.

When parents are distracted and unengaged with their children, those children miss out on a crucial buffer to help them express emotions through healthy outlets. This void can potentially create behavioral issues. Dad, get in the game, literally. An actively engaged father helps relieve his children of stored-up energy in a positive way and helps set boundaries when physical play becomes too aggressive.

2. Your child feels insignificant.

Think of the silent message distracted parenting sends to your kids. For a child whose dad is constantly on his phone, it’s easy to believe that “something else is more important than me.” Failure to fully engage in your children’s lives robs them of any experiences that prove they are worth somebody’s undivided attention, thus reducing self-esteem and confidence. And it robs you of invaluable opportunities to be fully present in moments that only happen once.

3. It delays your child’s brain growth.

I will not deny we all have important obligations. What I will refute is the use of devices as a form of babysitting, which can seriously inhibit brain development. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time for children under 18 months and only two hours a day for children over the age of five, including teenagers. Are your children on screens for beneficial reasons, or just so you can do your own thing? Also be wise to the behavior you model to your child through continual personal screen time.

4. Your child does not develop communication skills.

It is not possible for a distracted parent to hold authentic dialogue with a child. A parent is a child’s first teacher, and conversational skills children will need to function as adults are drastically hindered when families are not actively communicating. Around the dinner table is one of the top examples of where dialogue can occur, but do not underestimate car rides, before and after school, and even at parks, libraries, and social gatherings.

5. Your child doesn’t develop empathy.

“The phone can wait; precious moments with your children cannot.”

I once saw a toddler tip over backward in her chair at the library. Coming to her mom crying and looking for comfort, she was met with resistance. The reason? Mom was too busy on Facebook. Whether two or twelve, when our children continually receive the message that their problems are not ours, they struggle to develop empathy because they rarely received it themselves. That spilled cup, lost item, or botched school project may not seem like a big deal to us—but it is for them.

Maria Edgeworth said, “If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves.” The phone can wait; precious moments with your children cannot.

Eat, Pray, Love: How Families Grow Stronger During the Pandemic

* The following article was copied from www.thegospelproject.org.

The Story: A new survey finds that the pandemic has drawn some families closer together.

The Background: The American Family Survey (AFS) is a nationally representative survey of Americans sponsored by the Deseret News and Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy in connection with YouGov. The survey examines “Family Life During a Pandemic” and was taken between July 3 and 14, several months after the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Despite the stress and disruption of the pandemic, many families seem to be flourishing and even growing closer during the time of hardship.

For example, more than half of Americans (54 percent) reported eating dinner together every day, while another one-in-four reported eating together weekly (10 percent) or a few times per week (18 percent). About four-in-10 say they worship together as a family weekly (21 percent), once a month (7 percent), a few times a week (7 percent), or daily (7 percent).

Almost half of Americans (48 percent) say that their marriage or relationship is about the same as two years ago, while another 43 percent say it is stronger. Similarly, more than half (53 percent) say their family relationships are about the same, while 30 percent say they are even stronger today. More than two-thirds say they are somewhat (31 percent) or completely (44 percent) satisfied with their family.

About one-in-three reported that the current level of tension between members of their household was less than average (13 percent) or much less than average (19 percent). A majority said it was the same as average (52 percent).

A majority (57 percent) say that having their children at home has made them feel better/more secure about their well-being. Nearly 40 percent say they have become more likely to consider homeschooling their kids in the future.

About two-thirds of parents said their daughters were doing very well (51 percent) or somewhat well (26 percent) in the area of family relationships, while a similar percentage of parents found their sons were doing very well (46 percent) or somewhat well (28 percent).

About a third of parents believe churches have served their sons very well (22 percent) or somewhat well (14 percent), while a similar percentage of parents found churches serving their daughters very well (25 percent) or somewhat well (16 percent).

When asked about how the coronavirus pandemic has affected their marriage/relationship, a majority agreed (36 percent) or strongly agreed (20 percent) that it has made them appreciate their partner more; only 10 percent disagreed.

A near majority (47 percent) also agreed the pandemic has deepened their commitment to their marriage/relationship, and a similar number disagreed that that the pandemic has increased stress in their marriage/relationship. A solid majority (62 percent) also say the pandemic has not caused them to question the strength of their marriage/relationship.

When asked if their thoughts about divorce, separation, or breaking up have changed since the coronavirus pandemic began, 84 percent said there was no change, and 8 percent said they were less likely to divorce. Only 2 percent said they did divorce, separate, or break up, and 6 percent said it was more likely.

What It Means: The pandemic has been deeply destructive and has forced many Americans to radically change the way they live, often for the worse. Yet despite enduring extended periods of hardship, many families are drawing closer together and developing positive patterns of behavior. A prime example is the number of families sharing an evening meal together.

Eating meals together as a family has been shown to be inversely associated with disordered eating, alcohol and substance use, violent behavior, and feelings of depression or thoughts of suicide. There is also a positive relationship between frequent family meals and increased self-esteem and commitment to learning or a higher grade point average. Other research has found that children who routinely eat meals together with their family are more likely to experience long-term physical and mental health benefits. “From a population-health perspective, our findings suggest that family meals have long-term influences on children’s physical and mental well-being,” says Marie-Josée Harbec of the Université de Montréal.

But there is a factor that can be even more important for bringing families closer than eating together: praying together.

Unfortunately, according to the survey, only 11 percent of Americans say they pray together as a couple, outside of meals every day, while another one-in-five say they do so weekly (10 percent) or a few times a week (8 percent). A near majority never prays together. If couples don’t pray with each other, they are less likely to be praying with their children either.

Why does it matter if families pray together? Research has shown that prayer may be the most important spiritual practice in relational success. In his book Soul Mates, University of Virginia sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox finds, “Latino and black couples who attend church together enjoy significantly happier relationships, in large part . . . because they pray with one another.” Glenn Stanton, director of global family formation studies at Focus on the Family, also points to a 2015 study that found husbands and wives praying together for each other individually and offering forgiveness for personal offenses has “significant positive” effects on marriage overall.

“It helps them deal with the troubles that naturally arise in marriage,” Stanton says, “making them both accountable to God, who tells us not to hang onto past hurts and to sacrificially love and forgive others.” Stanton adds,

Prayer not only invites God into the relationship at times of unhappiness and struggle, but also helps the couple become more intimate and concerned with one another. Regularly sharing one’s thoughts with God in the presence of another is extremely intimate, perhaps rivaled only by physical intimacy. It binds people together. They both require great transparency and trust, enhancing the marital relationship.

In 1947, a young ad copywriter popularized the slogan, “The family that prays together stays together.” There’s biblical truth embedded in that message, since as Jesus promised, “For where two or three have gathered together in my name, I am there in their midst” (Matt. 18:20). Our families are likely to grow stronger when we eat, pray, and love together, knowing Jesus is in our midst.

Make Sure the Consequences Fit the Crime

* This article was copied from www.homeword.com.

Our children should expect minor consequences for minor infractions and major consequences for major infractions. Some parents tend to panic when their children begin to rebel just a bit, but we should be consistent and not overreact to our children’s moving toward independence. If they are a few minutes late on curfew or didn’t clean up their rooms, it doesn’t mean that they need to be placed on restriction for the rest of their lives.

When we pass out consequences that don’t fit the crime, we usually renege on the consequence anyway, and that produces inconsistent discipline and more potential problems. At the same time, if our children continue to be disobedient over a period of time and we don’t offer appropriate consequences, we are not teaching them the lifelong lessons they need to learn.

Discipline Calmly

Neither Cathy nor I can find any Italian blood in our family trees (although we sure like pizza!), but our house was anything but quiet most of the time. Here was our goal: We didn’t discipline our kids when we were angry. Otherwise, we would have usually said or done something we didn’t mean.

Leave the phrase “you will never” out of your discipline vocabulary. Don’t tell your kids that they are out of the school play unless you really, really mean it. Threats don’t work. When we are angry or full of empty threats, we are often not very consistent with our consequences and discipline. Sending mixed messages to our kids usually gets in the way of the lesson we are trying to teach them.

Express Your Expectations Clearly

Your expectations must be clearly stated, and the consequences must make sense to your child. If we constantly offer unrealistic expectations, we are most likely not doing an effective job in the discipline department. Be absolutely clear, ask your children to tell you what they understand, and if you must, write down your expectations.

Saturday morning was workday around the Burns house, but for most of our 20 years of child rearing, it had been more of a hassle than a joy until we finally decided to take a different approach: We wrote down on a paper each of the agreed-upon chores for the morning. If our kids wanted to do anything—from watching TV to spending time with their friends—they had to wait until all their chores were finished before making their requests. Should they choose not to do chores, then they made the decision not to spend time doing fun weekend activities. If they wanted to sit in their pajamas all day and delay their chores, that was up to them—as long as their choices didn’t get in the way of other family activities. “Freedom comes after chores” was our motto. This plan worked for us, but we found that we had to put it on paper and let the kids know we meant business when it came to consequences.

5 Simple Strategies to Help Teens Cope with Anxiety

The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Spring can be a tough time in the world of a teenager. Yes, the flowers are blooming, the trees are getting greener and the air is filled with the sweet scent of spring flowers. But many high schoolers are experiencing the stress of finals, sitting for AP exams, taking or re-taking the SAT or ACT, navigating the college application process, and of course, preparing for prom. And if those tasks aren’t already anxiety provoking, let’s not underestimate the power of peer approval. School has become somewhat of a social minefield for teens, and acceptance from their peers is imperative.

And those are just a fraction of the stuff that concern teens this time of year.

Rising academic standards, increased competition for colleges, extracurricular activities, and bourgeoning romantic interests are all aspects of being a teen that can lead to feelings of failure and rejection… which can then open the doorway for anxiety.

Anxiety is a normal and unavoidable part of life, especially when experiencing something new or transitioning to a new stage in life. For teens, anxiety can show up in a number of ways: shortness of breath, picking of skin, feeling overwhelmed, or feelings of sudden panic are just a few. Anxiety can even show up in one’s thinking patterns such as in “what-if” thoughts about being judged or criticized, and persistent worries about the future.

The way you acknowledge and respond to a teen showing signs of anxiety is critical in helping them to foster a sense of competence. What can parents do to help teens manage high anxiety periods? Here are five simple strategies to consider:

1. Spending quality time. 

Adolescence is often characterized as a stage of waning parental influence as children begin to slowly distance themselves from the values of their parents. While there is truth to that theory, it does not tell the full story. Years of experience in education and mental health has taught me that while parent-teen relationships are not always peaceful, they can be pivotal. Teenagers need their parents and other loving adults to guide them as they develop and mature. There are studies that even suggest that teenagers need more quality time from parents than toddlers! Open communication and support can buffer some of the turbulence of adolescence. Making yourself available physically and emotionally—even when you feel pushed away—during stressful periods outweighs any previous conflicts. Impromptu conversations during family meals and while driving to the soccer field really matter. Over time, both parents and teens will balance the need for independence and closeness.

2. Encouraging a tech break.

Due to the pervasiveness of technology in our society, teens—and adults—find it difficult to unplug. A student recently shared her experience with a one week “Social Media Detox” challenge posed by her English teacher. While the thought of giving up Instagram and Snapchat was initially terrifying, she observed how immensely freeing it eventually became. Most teens are connected to technology each day and more so for social reasons rather than academic ones. The challenge for parents is that it is nearly impossible to limit access to most forms of technology, and you may not even desire to. However, guidance and supervision is still important, even in the teen years. Focus on moderation rather than prevention. Participating in a self-imposed break can help to reduce the feelings of pressure in an already overwhelmed teen. For those reluctant to detox completely, offer up a compromise of deleting saved bookmarks from their internet browser, or turning off email notifications on their smart phones . . . at least for a weekend.

3. Sharing your experiences.

Adolescence is a time for identity formation. With the increasing pressures of academic achievement and fixations around appearance, it is no wonder that teen anxiety is on the rise. Despite mounting pressures, one comforting fact is that teens respond favorably to, and learn from anyone to whom they feel a personal connection. One parenting tip that I frequently offer is to reflect about a time when you faced a similar challenge as your teen is facing or experienced debilitating anxiety. Aim for a 10-15-minute conversation with your teen while in the car or when taking the dog for a walk. Before doing so, ask yourself the following: What did you wish your parents had done to help you? What would you have wanted to hear? What did they do that you valued and respected? Respond to your teen with empathy and share how you successfully managed the issue. Or, how maybe you weren’t so successful initially. Then allow your teen to explore his or her own thoughts and feelings related to what you’ve shared.

4. Offering perspectives. 

Journeying from childhood to adulthood is difficult. In just a few short years, teens go through a significant number of physical and emotional changes. Also, decisions such as where to apply to college or who to ask out for prom may seem exciting to onlookers but may trigger feelings of dread for a teenager. The reality of independence can be terrifying. Teens often feel the pressure to be all things to all people. Remind your teen that who they are is much more important than their SAT score or who they date. Encourage your teen to view their worries about their future as a normal and natural part of growing up. Parents can take concrete steps to help their teen better understand their unique experiences through journaling, reading short stories, and watching films that celebrate the adolescent journey. Yes, some choices about the future need to be made now, but it is okay to not know everything and to continue to explore. Offering perspective and repeatedly reminding your teen that they are fully accepted just for who they are, goes a long way towards enhancing self-esteem and decreasing anxiety.

5. Getting physical.

Teens need both challenge and involvement. The teens that I work with often describe anxiety as “. . . wanting to jump out of my skin.” Anxiety can be both mentally and physically draining. Teens are often short on energy because of too little physical activity. Balancing the pressure of a rigorous academic load with aerobic activity can alleviate stress and anxiety which can be stored in the body. Even if your teen isn’t particularly athletic, help him or her to find ways to slow down, have more fun, and seek a more balanced lifestyle. Bowling, skating, or simply reading a good book are great ways to decompress. Engaging in fun and relaxing activities such as art, dance, and music can elicit positive emotions and social bonding.

The emotional, mental, and physiological symptoms of anxiety can be very frightening and confusing for teens. The good news? Anxiety is very common and quite treatable.

And, yes, it can also be overwhelming. If your student is struggling, have them speak with a ministry leader, school counselor, or a licensed therapist. A professional may be able to offer a different perspective you haven’t yet considered, or be able to give you tips and suggestions on how to encourage your teen during times of high stress or anxiety. At the very least, it’s one more person you’ll have in your student’s support circle.

Strong Relationships Within Church Add to Resilient Faith in Young Adults

* The following article was copied from www.barna.com.

Over the last few weeks, Barna has been taking stock of the information we’ve gathered on the next generation—first Millennials and now Gen Z. Concerning trends have been surfacing around this emerging group, including their skepticism about faith-sharing, an increase in the church dropout rate among those who were raised Christian and a general longing for connection—despite being the most globally connected generations the world has ever seen. How can the Church respond to this data and offer strong, lasting relationships to young people, even in the challenging social context prompted by the COVID-19 crisis?

In Faith for Exiles, co-authors David Kinnaman and Mark Matlock discuss five practices that contribute to resilient discipleship and flourishing faith in young adults. Today, in an excerpt from this research, we’ll take a closer look at one of the main aspects of resilience—relationships—and discuss how churches and parents can come alongside young people to support and encourage them in their spiritual walk through strong connections.

Connection Is Key in Building Resilient Disciples

We often see young people who grew up Christian express negative reactions when the Church is brought up in conversation, reactions that are often rooted in strong emotions, including pain, disconnection, emotional distance, skepticism and withdrawal.

While some church leaders act more like entrepreneurs and showmen than prophets and shepherds, churches have generally lost their influence in local communities. This generation is the first to form their identities—and their perception of church—amid high-profile scandals and sky-high levels of skepticism.

At the same time that the Church is fighting back perceptions of irrelevance and extremism, social pressure is leading to more isolation. All of this means that young people have to travel a long road in order to find supportive relationships, inside or outside the Church.

Resilient disciples’ connections in the Church are far and away more extensive than those young people Kinnaman and Matlock categorize as habitual churchgoers, nomads or prodigals (click here for more on the definitions of these four terms, or review About the Research below). The vast majority of resilient disciples firmly asserts that “the church is a place where I feel I belong” (88%) and “I am connected to a community of Christians” (82%). Fewer than half of habitual churchgoers experience this kind of relational connectedness. Further, the emotions resilient disciples feel in their church are far warmer and more positive than others experience. Their churches feel like a family and are made up of the people they want to be around.

Rediscovering Relationships Within the Church

Mistrust and isolation cut at the heart of human and Christian community. The Church can and should provide answers to the deepest questions of humanity and through Jesus. In this case, our search for relational intimacy and supportive, others-oriented community is found in the Church.

In exile, the Church can provide answers to a relationally hurting society. The Christian community today has an amazing opportunity to address the epidemic of isolation and counteract the atomizing effects of “digital Babylon”—and thereby diminish the mistrust and isolation we’re all experiencing.

Resilient disciples have robust faith in many different dimensions of their lives. They are far more relationally well-rounded that others their age. More than three-quarters say they have “at least one close friend I trust with my secrets” (83%), “when growing up, I had close personal friends who were adults” (81%) and “I have someone in my life, other than family, who I can go to for advice on personal issues” (77%).

Two-thirds agree that “my friends help me be a better person” (67%) and “I have friends and family who are honest with me about my weaknesses” (66%). More than half (58%) firmly agree with the idea that “I am very content when I am by myself,” which is another indicator of relational wholeness.

In comparing resilient disciples to the other young adults who grew up as Christians, it’s striking to see that being a resilient disciple—which is based on a set of questions about theology and faith engagement—correlates to overall relational well-being. These findings affirm that the Church can help fill a massive gap in our society: the desire to be loved, to be acknowledged for more than what we produce and to be known. But how can the Church do this?

Data show that resilient disciples’ sense of belonging correlates with intergenerational friendships and a positive emotional climate. About three in five resilient disciples say “I feel valued by people in my life who are older than me” (65%) and “I welcome positive criticism from those who are older than me” (60%). These are connections that can be forged and maintained in a church community. Another three-quarters say that, as a part of their church community, they feel “loved and valued” (83%) and “like I am part of a family” (76%). Sixty-three percent say they feel “relief from the anxiety of daily life” (63%).

The Church plays an integral role in not only supporting resilient disciples in their spiritual journey, but also in helping habitual churchgoers grow stronger in their faith and inviting nomads and those who have left the Church back into a loving and deeply relational community of believers.

While the current moment adds to the complexity of cultivating long-lasting relationships within the Church, it also underlines the need for these connections. To assess how your church is actively promoting strong relationships, sit down with your staff and ask: How can we equip our leadership team and congregants alike to support the relational well-being of others, especially young people? How do we encourage congregants to make meaningful connections with others? What measures are in place for us to identify and assist those who are struggling to forge new friendships?

The data charts and excerpts in this article are from Faith for Exiles (2019), and were used by permission of David Kinnaman, Mark Matlock and Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

About the Research

The main research examination for the Faith for Exiles book was conducted with eighteen- to twenty-nine-year-olds who grew up as Christian. The charts and data shown in this article use data from quantitative interviews. The data includes interviews from a total of 1,514 US adults 18-29 who were current/former Christians that was collected online during February 16-28, 2018. The margin error for these respondents is +/- 2.3% at the 95% confidence level.

Prodigals, or ex-Christians, do not identify themselves as Christian despite having attended a Protestant or Catholic church as a child or teen, or having considered themselves to be Christian at some time.

Nomads, or lapsed Christians, identify themselves as Christian but have not attended church during the past month. The vast majority of nomads haven’t been involved with a faith community for six months or more.

Habitual churchgoers describe themselves as Christian and have attended church at least once in the past month, yet do not have foundational core beliefs or behaviors associated with being an intentional, engaged disciple.

Resilient disciples are Christians who (1) attend church at least monthly and engage with their church more than just attending worship services; (2) trust firmly in the authority of the Bible; (3) are committed to Jesus personally and affirm he was crucified and raised from the dead to conquer sin and death; and (4) express desire to transform the broader society as an outcome of their faith.

Lead With Love, Purpose, and Authority

* The following article was copied from www.homeword.com.

I fear that too many parents have indulged and enabled their children to such an extent that they have helped create irresponsible and even narcissistic ones. When we have weak, inconsistent discipline and poor boundaries, kids just aren’t willing to grow up. I don’t mean that kids shouldn’t be nurtured and affirmed. Every child needs parents who can be irrationally positive toward them. But they also need us to express expectations, set high standards, and hold them accountable. In other words, our kids need us to lead.

What does leadership mean? I have spoken to and studied leaders in all fields of life. One thing they have in common is a consistent message. They model what they expect and they keep on task. With an excellent leader there is seldom a doubt about who is in charge and. Parents are the leaders in their home. But the question in many homes of rebellious teenagers is “Who is really in charge?” This question must be settled, and the only healthy answer is that the parents must take the lead. Inconsistency or poor modeling will place your kids in the leadership position–that isn’t healthy for anyone. So parents must eliminate any power struggle from the relationship and. resolve authority issues. I tell people at our seminars, “Don’t argue and don’t fight with your kids.” It is much more difficult to mentor and lead if you and your children are always fighting and arguing all the time.

Cathy and I have a daughter who could win most of the arguments in our home. She is dynamic, articulate, and can argue either side of an issue. When she was a teenager she liked to argue for the sake of arguing, and she stretched the boundaries whenever possible. There were times she was just exhausting. Then one day, a therapist friend gave us two words of advice: “Quit arguing.” If you think about it, people seldom argue with their leaders. We had to hold our ground.

Holding your ground can be wearisome, but it is always worth it (although you probably already know this from your own life experience). To help communicate with our kids about discipline-related issues, Cathy and I came up “Confident Parenting Talking Points.” I wrote about them in greater detail in my book, Confident Parenting.

Learning to resist arguing with a teen who is pushing your buttons isn’t easy, but there are three phrases I’ve found to be extremely helpful to diffuse potential arguments with teens:

1. “I feel your pain.” If your teen knows your expectations and they break them, or if they suffer consequences from poor decisions, let them know you care and that you feel their pain. You have empowered your teenager to make healthy decisions, but when she doesn’t do that, you can show her empathy while holding her accountable. In a HomeWord parent podcast, John Rosemond shared what he told his own kids: “If I was your age, I’d feel the same way. The answer is still no, but you are doing a great job expressing yourself.”

2. “Nevertheless.” This might be the most important word in the English language to show who really is the leader in your home. Yes, we do feel their pain and we are listening; nevertheless, the consequences are going to stay. Adapting John’s words to his kids, a parent might say, “I can understand how you feel, and I might have felt the same way when I was your age. Nevertheless . . .”

3. “Life isn’t fair.” The sooner your teen understands that life isn’t fair, and that whining and complaining won’t get him what he wants, he will quit trying to play the “make-it-fair” game. Whenever you can, let reality be the teacher for your kids. If whining and manipulating works for a teen even some of the time, it is the parent who has to live with the consequences. Here are more wise words from John Rosemond “Parents should not agonize over what a child fails to do or does if the child is perfectly capable of agonizing over it himself.”5 Whatever your teen’s age, it’s about time he learns the truth that life isn’t always fair, but it sure can be good.

Excerpted from Understanding Your Teen: Shaping Their Character, Facing Their Realities by Jim Burns.

Opening Communication Channels with Teens

* The following article was copied from www.agape-counseling.org.

Often parents feel a real disconnect to their adolescent and struggle with understanding the challenges youth are faced with today. Growing up I was given books and paper assignments, cell phones weren’t around and only a select few had pagers to keep in contact, mostly Doctors. As a teen in the early to mid-90’s calling friends on the corded telephone in the common area was how you kept in touch with your friends and if I had a bully, I knew who they were because it was face to face.

Today things have changed, social media has blown up, most information can be accessed with a simple search on the internet, adolescents are often on their phones and believe it is a lifeline to friendships, and homework is primarily done on a computer. This can cause challenges among families and within peer groups of adolescents. Bullying has increased and the ability to remain anonymous has been known to increase anxiety and depression among adolescents. Prior to the boom of the internet and social media most adolescents knew who their bullies were, today it doesn’t always work that way because they can hide behind a screen. This can increase anxiety among youth due to their inability to know who to trust. Youth can present as angry, defiant, and depressed while only offering the famous line, “I’m fine.”

It can be challenging to know how to help youth in today’s world, how to keep communication open with them, and to know when to give them privacy. Raising youth today comes with its own struggles, I can certainly relate to the challenges youth face today having two teenagers myself. Providing them with love, patience, and understanding is important even if it is difficult to remain patient and understanding. Learning to continue to let them feel your love as well as God’s love is paramount even when they have made bad choices.

One scripture that I use often is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” This verse is comforting to remember in times when we might be quick to anger with our children. Often providing them with a safe and trusting environment where they can discuss their challenges can benefit the entire family. Working as a team and learning skills to communicate needs and feelings to one another can continue to provide the environment youth today can feel loved in.

What Parents and Teachers Can Do That Google Cannot Do

* The following article was copied from www.growingleaders.com.

Many parents fret that they’re not having the same conversations with their children that they did with their parents when they were kids.

Teachers fret that engaging students in the classroom is tougher today because they compete against YouTube, Netflix, and Tik Tok.

Coaches and youth workers fret that keeping a student athlete’s attention is tough because they’re up against Madden NFL or Fortnite video games.

The fact is parenting, teaching, and coaching is different today, not because kids are different but because the culture is different. We are raising them in a society where Siri and Alexa offer quick answers, creating eight-second attention spans and expectations that solutions should be instantaneous and that life should be entertaining.

It’s not our kids’ fault, but it is our kids’ reality.

The Choice in Front of Us

It seems to me we are at a fork in the road. We can either choose to compete with today’s on-demand, instant access entertainment or we can choose to offer what the digital world cannot. We must adapt to the world they’re growing up in, but we don’t have to adopt every new trend that surfaces along the way. Adapting simply means we recognize what kids gain from this new world and we complement it. Let me offer an example.

Kids today experience a Google reflex.

Kids are asking Google questions they used to ask mom and dad. What we must recognize is kids don’t lack information. They don’t need us for that; Alexa actually knows more than I do most of the time. They need me for interpretation. All the sources of content they access can offer information, but not a worldview with which to interpret that information. Young people are drowning in information but starving for wisdom.

When I was a kid, I remember hearing: TGIF. It was a reminder that Friday afforded me a chance for some margin to unwind and enjoy a weekend. My friend, Len Sweet says that today’s kids have a new TGIF:

T – Twitter
G – Google
I – Instagram
F – Facebook

There is no downtime. They’re screenagers, always on and always online. They spend more time reacting to content than reflecting on content. And because there are so many posts, it leaves a little margin to invest time in any one issue. A wealth of information creates a poverty of attention. So, our responsibility is not to compete against this but to compliment it by offering what they still lack. Our goal should not be to compete but to complete.

Doing What Google Cannot Do

When I ponder all that their TGIF world offers today, it is clear they still lack some timeless input that only we can offer. The list below may sound over-simplified, but I submit it to you as a starter to ponder what your young people need, even with all the benefits their smartphones afford. Take a look and make a mental list of how you fulfill each of these rare ingredients:

1. Form an authentic and transparent relationship.

Hollywood can’t do this. Ask them questions, banter, and forge a genuine connection.

2. Host an interactive learning experience.

Most of their interactions are about entertainment. Yours can transform their hopes and plans.

3. Listen to them and empathize with them.

Listening to a student is almost equal to feeling love for them. Empathy precedes trust. 

4. Introduce them to significant people.

Bridge building and door opening are essential for students. Invite them into your network.

5. Travel to someplace they’ve not been.

Trips to different cultures are like memorable college classes. The new and novel are golden.

6. Guide their growth with questions.

By adolescence, the best instruction occurs through discovery, fostered by questions.

7. Give them autonomy in the goals they set.

Teens today lack the autonomy to enjoy metacognition—to choose how and what they study. 

Never forget you play a unique role in those kids’ lives. Don’t imitate media or social media. Play the card that’s in your hand and trust the process. You can do something no one else can.

10 Tips to Survive Online School at Home

* The following is a combination of two posts on https://thesimpleadventure.family where our friends Lisa and Phil Bell share lots of great family tips. Follow them for some great parenting and family content.

Here in North Carolina, school is getting ready to start back up in the next couple of weeks. For many of us, online “at home” is the only option we have… 

If this your reality too, you might be thinking:

“How on earth can we survive another season of stay at home online school?”

For the past three years our kids have attended a “University Model School.” Essentially, it’s a hybrid. Our kids attend school 2-3 days a week and complete their assignments from home the other days. Because of our experience, we feel it’s prepared us quite well for stay at home online school. In other ways, we feel completely unprepared for this current world…

Barely Surviving Or Learning To Thrive? 

If you are wondering how you can survive another season of online school, we’d love to share some ideas, and even reinforce what you might already be doing. Most of all, we hope you will be encouraged to survive and thrive in this upcoming school year.

In two posts, (because there’s so much to share), we will cover ten ways to help you thrive in this season of online school.

Let’s get started! 

1. Give Yourself Credit!

You’ve made it this far! Before you do anything else, look back and see all that you have made it through as a family. It might not have been pretty at times, but keep in mind how much you’ve navigated so far. 

It’s unprecedented times you are in! You are living in a global pandemic like no other. The last time anything like this happened, it was over one hundred years ago. There’s no playbook for a time like this. Give yourself a high five, take a deep breath, and look back to appreciate how much you have adapted. You’ve come this far.

You. Can. Do. It!

2. Create The Environment.

If you haven’t done this already, ensure that both you and your kids have defined workspaces. They don’t have to be places where you need to close the door, just ensure you have a dedicated workspace that prepares you and the kids to mentally prepare for school and work.

For our family, we’ve discovered that each of our kids has a different need for their environment.

Maybe your child is distracted easily and needs noise-cancelling headphones, while another likes to have music playing in the background. An older child may independently work in his room, while a younger child might need more supervision and quick access to a parent.

Make sure there is enough lighting and that your wi-fi can reach the work areas. Whether it’s sitting at a personal desk, using a lap desk on your couch, or sharing the kitchen table, figure out the best defined workspaces for you and your kids. If you want to get really fancy, check out this post for some great ideas. 

3. Create The Routine.

At the beginning of the pandemic some of our kids thought this it was the start of a glorified sleepover with sleep-in times past noon. Other kids thought the lack of structure was the end of the world…

Kids. So dramatic!

In all seriousness, a healthy (and realistic) routine will guide us through each day successfully. Whether our kids know it or not, they thrive better with routine. It’s also helpful to realize how routine will help to prepare them for college and work life one day.

When thinking through a healthy routine, here are some essentials to consider:

• Wake up time. Allow them to sleep-in in a little but decide on a set wake up time for kids (and parents!)

• Get dressed. (No pajama parties at our house. There’s a lot to be said for the value in getting dressed and psychologically being ready to study).

• Breakfast time. (It’s helpful to have a cut-off time or “the kitchen is now closed” time.)

• Study time. Create a rhythm in the order of subjects so they know what to expect each day. Have a start and a finish time. Don’t allow procrastinating to bleed into the evening.

• Snack breaks. We have a snack bin they can pick from or they are encouraged to eat a piece of fruit.

• Outdoor time. During the school day, we try to give our kids 20 minutes of outdoor time in the morning. Physical activity helps the brain to focus and gets the wiggles out. It’s amazing what a bit of fresh air can do.

4. Set Expectations For YOUR Workspace And Workday.

If you are working from home at the same time as your kids, it will become very challenging if you don’t set some clear boundaries.

Having a defined workspace will help your kids know that when you are there, it’s your work time, but they will also need to know when they can interrupt you for help.

Before school starts, have a discussion with your kids about the best way they can get help from you and when it is an appropriate ask. If you are like us, you will likely have to revisit this, communicate again, and even adapt. Just ensure that you are communicating this ahead of time.

Healthy expectations ahead of time will help avoid a great deal of frustrations, but know it won’t eliminate them entirely.

5. Give Rewards! 

When we asked our kids about what we could add to this post, our middle child (who is 11) said,

“Give us stickers and rewards!” 

It’s a small thing, but we’ve created a simple system of rewards for our kids when they get things done. We’ve adapted these over the years based on their interests and age. Some of the rewards include:

• Stickers, stamps, pencils for a job well-done

• A family outing or movie night that they collaboratively work towards

• A star chart to reach an individual goal/reward. This works well for chores too.

• Personalized reward coupons. There are many free printable ones online. 

6. Make The Most Of Your Flexible Schedule

While it’s a challenging time, it’s good to find ways to take advantage of the benefits of an online schedule. For us, it’s been possible to take quick family outings on days when the online load has been lower, when the kids have doubled-up on other days, or when we have been able to move work to a weekend day.

We’ve taken day trips hiking and to the beach. (Technically, I think we played “hooky” the beach day, but don’t tell anyone.)

If you are able to buy some time away and suddenly announce a beach trip or a family picnic, it makes everything feel more like an adventure. 

Search for these opportunities as much as you can and you’ll discover that the “pits” of the pandemic can become “peaks” and defining moments for your family. (For more on creating Defining Moments, you’ve got to check out this book – affiliate link)

7. Make Learning Fun!

The day in and day out monotony of life can wear on us all. Try adding some variety and excitement into the school day from time to time, while taking advantage of opportunities to reinforce what they are learning in school. Here are a few ways we try to do this:

• Print off some fun worksheets or buy a puzzle activity book to stimulate the mind. It can be as simple as a word search, coloring page, or maze. Our elementary-age children look forward to doing a “fun sheet” at the end of their school day.

• Reinforce learning concepts in a fun, practical way. Is your child learning fractions? Encourage him to help you bake and point out the fractions in the measuring cups. Better yet, have your child double to recipe and write it out beforehand. Is he learning about money? Have him play store and use real money to count out change.

• Encourage creativity in the form of an arts-and-crafts project. Consider the many holiday and seasonal crafts that are a rite of passage (Thanksgiving turkeys, snowflakes, etc.) Try doing a simple search online with words like “crafts,” “simple,” “free,” or “printable” and take advantage of someone else’s work. Make sure you stock up on craft supplies. One can never have enough glue sticks.

• No time to print-off anything? Make a tedious activity (like times tables) into a race. Have a dance break. Let them build a fort and eat lunch in it. It doesn’t have to be complicated or pre-meditated, just fun!

8. Incorporate Life Skills!

Now is the perfect time to set your children up for a more successful future as responsible adults.

Take advantage of having time at home to teach your children practical life skills like doing the laundry, planning and cooking a meal, washing dishes, emptying trash cans, or taking care of the yard. Even preschoolers are able to help put away their own clothes or clean doorknobs.

It might mean doing some jobs a little slower and messier as they get the hang of it, but in the long run, you’ll not only be teaching your children valuable life skills, you’ll also be saving yourself some time. 

What would it look like if your high schooler took over planning and making a meal each week? What if your children were able to independently do their own laundry? Start earning back some time before life speeds up again.

9. Be Quiet!

Now, you might be thinking we are talking about getting your kids to shut their mouths, (a complete impossibility in the Bell House), but I am actually referring to you! Your ability to survive and even thrive the online school business will depend greatly on how much time you take for yourself to be quiet, reflect, and replenish. This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give you. 

If you are constantly giving out as a parent, it’s imperative that you take time to fill your tank. As you plan the back to school routine, don’t miss scheduling in a DAILY time to be quiet.

Maybe it’s a 20 minute walk, a half-hour of uninterrupted reading time, or a long soak in the tub. Don’t feel guilty and don’t short-change yourself. You need it and your family needs you take time for yourself too.

10. Reach Out.

If there’s one thing we’ve been learning in this time is that we are not alone. There are no experts out there, just people like us trying to figure things out.

The problem is, we still live in our perfect picture posting Instagram lives and it’s easy to think that we are the only ones making a mess of things.

The truth is, we are all struggling in different ways, but we are also finding some incredibly innovative ways to thrive as well.

Take a step today and reach out to other parents and ask what they are doing. Ask them how they are really doing. You’ll find some great solutions and you’ll also discover you are not alone in your struggles. Be an encourager as you are encouraged.

And if you feel compelled, please share this post with them! We’d love to encourage them too! 

Finally, here’s one final and brutally honest piece of advice.

Embrace the mess and focus on creating moments with your kids. If your house is anything like ours, it’s chaos! That’s normal. Embrace normal…

Finally, we know that for many of us, online school is going to be challenging. Give yourself (and your kids) some grace, and take one step at a time. With some healthy structure, and a good plan, you will be amazed at how you do.  

Lisa and Phil 

2020 Back-to-School Plan For Your Family

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Like us, you’re probably wondering: When did summer start? Did summer even happen? What month is it? What day of the week is it? 

Well, believe it or not, it’s time to go back to school. And whether your kid is going to school face-to-face or face-to-screen, this school year will be unique. 

For the past few months, you and your family have probably found yourselves with a little more “together” time than you’re used to (and for some of you, it’s been a bit too much “together” time . . . ) Either way, there’s one thing we can all agree on—life happens, and when we’re not intentional with our time, it slips through our fingers. 

The past few months have been survival. And that’s okay. But going back to school means a new rhythm for your family. A fresh start. An opportunity to create intentional moments for you and your family to connect. 

That’s why we’ve designed a resource to help you make a plan for the things that matter to your family during the 2020-2021 school year.

So grab your calendars, bribe your family with some delicious snacks, and sit down together to create your personalized 2020 Back-to-School Plan! 

How The Pandemic Has Been Good For Parenting

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Parents Just Want to Keep Kids Safe

If you have ever read any kind of parenting blog, book or resource, you are probably familiar with the term “helicopter parent.” It’s the parenting style that thrives on hovering over the children, paying attention to any sense of discomfort, unhappiness, emotional distress and then taking care of it. In recent years, a new kind of parenting emerged (even more intrusive than helicopter parenting, if you can imagine). They call it “lawnmower parenting.”

Essentially, it’s parenting by preparing the path for the child instead of the child for the path.

A lawnmower parent doesn’t wait until something difficult happens to their child and then sweeps in to fix it, like the helicopter parent. The lawnmower parent makes sure something difficult never happens. (Think college admissions cheating scandal.) Lawnmower parenting removes all obstacles. It serves as a buffer, a barricade between the real world and the child. It comes from a place of love and concern. But it is largely motivated by fear. And as most parents realize, at some point or another, parenting doesn’t work the way they realize.

Because ultimately, this desire to protect and keep safe and to shield? It backfires when we understand that no amount of parenting can keep our kids safe from the world.

And that’s what COVID-19 has made increasingly clear. As a result, our default parenting strategies and styles are being challenged in a way they never have before. In a strange sort of way, this age of COVID-19 is saving our children from our detrimental parenting strategies.

The World Is Not Always a Safe Place

Because the truth is, this pandemic crisis has brought to light what has always been true, but we, as parents have been reluctant to admit. The world isn’t always a safe place. It isn’t fair. It isn’t easy. It raises questions we don’t know how to answer. The truth is, there’s not a whole lot we can do to protect our kids from the reality of life. No amount of helicopter parenting or lawnmower parenting will do it.

That’s the bad news.

The good news? What our kids can learn as a result. Resilience. Resilience is the skill we develop when things are challenging, difficult and overwhelming, when it feels like we can’t go on, but then learn, remarkably, that we can. That even though things don’t go the way we want, we discover we are far more capable than we think we are.

That’s what these strange times have the potential to teach our kids.
That the world is scary. But we can handle it.
That things don’t look familiar. But that we can face it.
That uncertainty is hard. But we can survive it.
That nothing feels secure. But that we will always have each other.

That’s resilience. A lesson we never would have chosen for our kids, but a lesson our kids need nonetheless.

Our Kids are Learning Resilience

Our families and our kids have lost a lot of things in the past couple of months.
We lost normalcy.
We lost structure.
We lost sports.
We lost birthday parties.
We lost playdates.
We lost graduations.
We lost church gatherings.
We lost the intangible millions of little and big things that made our life, ours.

And there have been more days and nights than maybe we care to admit where we felt overwhelmed and emotionally beat up. Moments where another day doing the same thing in the same space with the same needy children makes us want to bang our heads against the wall. We feel defeated. We feel like we are failing. We feel like if there was a “best practices” for parenting in a pandemic (which there aren’t), we’d be screwing it up in every way possible.

But here’s the thing.

We’re still here. We are still getting up every day and doing it. Maybe not perfectly. Maybe not even adequately. (Although really, who’s to judge?) We are showing up. And so are our kids. They’re learning as they go, just as we are. And it may not be great or even good. But it’s enough.

See, the secret in this time isn’t just that our kids are learning the lesson of resilience—the lesson we never wanted to teach them for fear of what the challenges might do to them. The secret is that we are learning resilience, too.

We are Learning Resilience, Too

As parents. As families. As neighborhoods. As churches. As schools. As cities. As states. As countries. As a global community. We are growing and stretching and it is uncomfortable and painful. But because we have no other option. We are doing it.

We are working from home while homeschooling and sheltering in place. We are pivoting our lives. We are physically distanced from family and physically vulnerable loved ones.

We are finding that the things we outsourced to others—whether that’s cooking or our kids’ spiritual development—we are doing ourselves, and we aren’t terrible at it. Not that it’s been easy.

But we are discovering, thanks to resilience, we are far more capable than we thought we were. What a surprise. And what a gift.

There’s a lot that COVID-19 has taken from us. A lot that isn’t fair. A lot we didn’t expect or plan for. But it has given us something too. The blessing of resilience. And that is no small thing. For us or for our kids. We will be better for it. We will.

What Will School Look Like? 4 Ways to Pray

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

Many are anxiously wondering, “What will school look like this fall?” With all the uncertainty, here are four ways to pray for your decisions.

I sat on the couch opposite my friend as we caught up on the last few months. Each of us with a kid heading into second grade, our chatter revolved around the last semester—missed school plays, canceled field trips, and how we’ve succeeded and failed at helping our kids cope.

But one question loomed like a rain cloud. What will school look like?

If you have kids enrolled in traditional schooling, you’re likely having similar conversations. Should my kids attend in person? Will there be recess? Will my first grader have to wear a mask? What if they open classrooms just to close them all over again? 

My niece recently told me her daughter’s school district asked parents to make a decision in the next two weeks: virtual learning or return to the school building. With virus cases in her area rising and a baby at home, she and her husband are leaning toward virtual. And my social media feed is filled with parents and teachers alike weighing in on the variables in their own decision-making process.

What will school look like? Praying through the uncertainty

Both my husband and I work full-time. And I’ll admit, working-mom guilt has been at an all-time high since school let out in March (less time to play with Zoom meetings stacked back-to-back).

Homeschooling was a challenge for me. And because of my job, some of the options friends are talking about aren’t on the table for my family. Yet I still hesitate to send my children back to school.

I worry their friends’ parents will keep them home and my kids will feel alone. I worry well-intended social restrictions will be too much on my kids’ emotional well-being. Then there’s still lingering fear for their health.

And what about the loss of so many experiences? I can’t help but grieve even the smallest things: my daughter’s loss of her first homecoming dance, my son missing his first flag football game.

Compounded by personal and world events, my normally controlled anxiety has been kicked up a notch.

But I’m not alone. Even my stay-at-home mom friends worry about their capacity to keep up with toddlers and a middle-schooler’s learning. A homeschooling friend confided she was concerned their regular homeschool groups would be canceled, a social release her kids look forward to weekly.

No matter your schooling venue, many of us are anxiously wondering, What will school look like? So as we all approach decisions we didn’t know we’d be making, here are four ways to pray through the process.

Pray your decisions won’t be driven by fear

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).

If I let myself, there’s a lot I could come up with to fear right now: loved ones’ health, how my job will look this fall if the kids need to stay home, whether school restrictions will be enough … or too much. It’s overwhelming.

But making fear-based decisions won’t help my kids. Fear tends to breed more fear. And it clouds better judgment. Like if I really let fear have free rein, I might keep my kids locked up indoors all day to protect them from everything from scraped knees to rabid squirrels. That’s not healthy. But my friend’s concern over her immune-compromised child missing out on school plays and field days? That’s legitimate.

I’m asking God to clear my mind from unhealthy fear as my husband and I seek what’s best for our family this school year. There are a lot of unknowns.

But isn’t that always true? My husband and I both need God’s strength to reel that in and think clearly. Then we can come together in agreement on what school option looks right for our family.

Pray the right decisions will be made for each child

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14).

One of the hardest parts of parenting is accepting the fact that I don’t always know what’s best for my kids. (Despite frequently singing “Mother Knows Best” from Tangled to my teenaged daughter.) To tell you the truth, I’m feeling a bit out of my league here with the schooling decisions.

And I’m not the only one.

A friend recently asked her homeschooling and educator friends for help in determining what would be right for her two kids. Her oldest is in all honor classes and is self-motivated enough to likely thrive in a structured classroom environment or online. Her youngest, on the other hand, has different learning needs she isn’t sure will be met if he stays home. But she doesn’t know how he’ll handle the new social restrictions at school either.

I recently read an article on what epidemiologists are planning for their own kids, and found even the health experts don’t seem to agree on the right path. (Oddly, I found this comforting.) They’re struggling with the same questions you and I are. And there are no easy answers.

So I’m praying I don’t look at my kids—or our family’s situation and needs—from a one-size-fits-all approach. Like my friend, I’m seeking guidance from other parents, teachers, and health experts. And I’m asking God, who knows my kids better than I do, to make clear the right decisions for the upcoming year.

Pray for the ones educating our children

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you” (Psalm 32:8).

When my public-school kids were suddenly homeschooled last spring, their teachers and school staff lavished love on them. A parade of their favorite teachers and school leaders flooded our neighborhood, six feet apart. They called/emailed/texted to check on their students. They scheduled daily story times and offered one-on-one tutoring. And they claimed a permanent piece of this mama’s heart.

As we all wonder what school will look like for our kids, I don’t want to forget kids and parents won’t be the only ones adjusting to a new environment. My teacher friends are already racking their brains on ways to develop trusting relationships with their students who won’t be there in person. Or how to maximize safety and learning with minimum space. Can you imagine telling 20 kindergarteners to stay six feet from their neighbor?

Pray for teachers in your kids’ schools. Pray for the administrators, counselors, support staff from janitors to food service, and everyone else involved in your children’s lives at school. I pray we remember to have patience with them. Because while we are determining the needs of our own kids, they are spending their summer determining the needs of many.

Like us, they might not always get it right. I pray we all remember to offer each other a lot of grace.

Once you’ve made your decision, pray for release from anxiety

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Maybe you already know the answer to What will school look like this fall? But maybe you’re still wrestling with the decision you made.

We can’t see what’s just down the road. Many schools are locking in whatever choice parents do make for their kids. (Virtual learning not working out? Can’t choose in-person until the spring semester). This school year likely won’t look like any of us expect. It’s likely to morph and flow differently once we’re all in the thick of it, and that alone can create angst.

So once you’ve made a decision you are confident works best for your family, pray for God to release the anxiety of that decision from your shoulders. Ask Him to help you trust your children’s learning, health, and safety to Him whether you plan to hug them at drop-off in the mornings or prepare a spot for home-learning.

What will school look like this year? We just don’t know. But I’m praying for you as you seek the best school options for your family.