Play Builds Family Memories and Reduces Stress

* The following article was copied from www.homeword.com.

Play Builds Family Memories and Reduces Stress

Have you ever noticed that at extended family gatherings much of the conversation is about past family experiences? “Do you remember the time Grandpa fell in the lake when we were fishing?” “I will never forget the trip we took to Disneyland” and so on. Once at a gathering of youth workers and their spouses, Cathy and I asked a purposely vague question, “What are a few of your family memories?” A minority of people in the group brought up negative memories about a divorce or some other trauma in the home; but by far, most of them recalled memories about a time their family played together or a trip their family took. We were amazed at how many of the stories were not about trips to amusement parks, but rather times together camping, traveling, fishing with Grandpa—times centered on the outdoors and fun.

When my friend Tic Long goes on a trip, his family has a motto: No bad food, no wrong turns and no bad decisions. Basically what they are saying is to cut loose, relax and enjoy each other’s company instead of worrying about the details of the trip.

The point is to go on trips, play together and build memories—big memories and small memories. A healthy family takes time to play. Sure, it takes energy to make those memories happen, but it’s worth it in our day and age when there is so much stress and pressure on families.

Play Reduces Family Stress and Tension

You are overstressed if you . . .

• Experience a continual sense of urgency and hurry or have no time to release and relax

• Have an underlying tension that causes a lot of sharp words, sibling quarrels and marital misunderstandings

• Are preoccupied with escaping, finding peace, going on vacation, quitting work or fixing family relationships

• Constantly feel frustration about getting things done

• Have a nagging desire to find a simpler life

None of these factors is unhealthy in and of itself, but when they are added together and you experience them for an extended period of time, it is time to put away your work and responsibilities and take at least an eight-day, do-nothing-but-play vacation to find some perspective. We can learn from the Europeans; their culture is much healthier than the American culture when it comes to vacations. The average European is given almost twice as many days off from work a year as the average American. How crazy we are to raise our blood pressure to dangerous heights and work our fingers to the bone, to be overcommitted and fatigued most days and then try to recuperate with a two-week vacation—only to go right back to the grind. Each of us knows deep down in our heart that something is terribly wrong with our lifestyle choices.

So lighten up and figure out a way to reduce your family’s stress and tension. If you can’t find eight days to relax and lighten up, take five; if you can’t find five days, then take two days; if you can’t find two days, see a counselor because you are either on the road to burnout, or your life and family are already a mess.

How to Help Your Kids Reach Their Full Potential Without Warping Their Identity

* The following article was copied from theparentcue.org.

I think it’s safe to say most of us can remember a time or two million when our parents or another caring adult said or did something when we were younger that had a negative impact on our self-esteem. Lord knows I can remember a few things. Even the most well-intentioned adults can say some pretty hurtful things, can’t they? In their effort to help us become what they wanted for us, the adults in our lives either said or did something that reinforced the idea that their love and adoration for us was based on our performance. 

As a result of the sore spots in our upbringing, many of us are keenly aware of the things we say and do to and around our kids, right down to our facial expressions. We’re so scared of damaging our kids and destining them to lifelong therapy. 

But even we can fall into the trap of performance-based praise if we’re not careful—heavily researching, overthinking parents that we are. I mean, who doesn’t want to see their kids succeed? So, how do we encourage our kids to live up to their potential without sending them the message their worth is tied to what they can do? One word: stewardship. 

According to the dictionary, stewardship is “the responsible overseeing and protection of something considered worth caring for and preserving.” You may be wondering how this applies to this particular area of parenting. Let’s unpack this with a scenario:

Your kid gets a good grade. Instead of celebrating the good grade and moving on, you can go a little deeper by saying something like, “I’m so proud of you for getting this good grade. It shows me that you really understand what you’re learning. The things you’re learning can really be helpful not only to you, but to other people too.”

When framed this way, your kids’ knowledge, skills, and gifts almost become like their superpowers—these gifts can be used to serve both themselves and the world. Because here’s what we want our kids to ultimately understand: It’s not about what they can do, it’s about who they can be.

• Our kids can be kind.

• Our kids can be helpful.

• Our kids can be service-minded.

You can’t control how your kids interpret your words, but you can consistently move the conversation away from performance and in the direction of stewardship. You can do this by . . .

. . . being mindful of what you celebrate because what gets celebrated gets repeated.

. . . explaining why something is important before your kids ask.

. . . encouraging good thought processes.

We may not always get it right, but we can try. When we affirm our kids’ character instead of their performance, we are communicating that who they are intrinsically matters way more than anything they could ever do. And when we constantly reinforce to them that their abilities or gifts can be used to not only help themselves, but others, too, we can refocus their attention on the act of serving others. 

The Only Things Your Kids Need This Christmas

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I don’t know about you, but fun and variety have been in short supply around our house since the pandemic started. Even though I’ve tried to make our home life as entertaining as possible given our circumstances, there’s something about quarantining at home that tends to suck out some of life’s fun after nine, long months. (Just ask my four-year-old, who has taken to running around the house in endless circles for fun.)

You know what else is in short supply? Money. For many of us, this pandemic has not only affected our comings and goings, it’s also affected our pockets. Like a lot of the world, our finances have taken a hit as a direct result of the pandemic—meaning my go-to Target runs for some retail therapy have dwindled to basic needs (adulthood can be so boring sometimes). We’ve also thrown a new baby into the mix, and even though they’re small, these little creatures need lots of stuff. 

So, if you’re anything like me, this holiday season is going to be different in a lot of ways—we’re not hanging out with family and friends like we used to; we’re not partaking in all the holiday, crowd-packed frivolity; and we’re certainly not dropping loads of money on gifts because we have no idea what the future holds. As a result, this holiday season seems to have lost a bit of its magic. (Cue sad, dejected music here.) 

I have to keep reminding myself of this one truth: Our kids won’t remember what they got for Christmas this year. Our kids will remember how they felt this holiday season.

We don’t have to have towering heaps of gifts under the tree or the perfect decorations to create lasting memories this year. Christmas magic isn’t contingent on how much you spend. The spirit of Christmas lives and thrives even when resources are low. 

Wanna know how? It’s this word that literally costs nothing to execute—connection. What our kids really want from us is to be a present parent. Quality time is the name of the game this year, folks. So, maybe that looks like:

Creating brand-new holiday traditions. 

Taking the ordinary and putting a special spin on it (think regular dinner, but adding a little candlelight). 

Being intentional about spending more quality time together. 

We will make it through this holiday season, friends. And who knows? It might be the best one yet. 

One Word That Can Lift Your Family’s Holiday Blues and Pandemic Woes

* The following article was copied from www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

“I just want to put up the Christmas tree and call it a year,” said a parent I know, sitting the requisite six feet from me on our back patio.

I chuckled given the timing of our conversation. It was mid-August.

After months of frustrating disruption, remote schooling and social upheaval, many of us optimistically envisioned a somewhat “normal” Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. But with the recent surge in COVID-19 diagnoses and deaths, treasured family and church holiday traditions seem doomed.

In a typical year, loneliness, fatigue, conflict with parents, school challenges, technology saturation and developmental angst can make kids’ celebration of our Savior’s birth far from “the most wonderful time of the year.” 2020 has piled on a pandemic, making this year anything but typical.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, anxiety has more than tripled across all generations since last summer (from 8.1% to 25.5%). Depression in the US has almost quadrupled (from 6.5% to 24.3%). Approximately half of young adults ages 18-24 are wrestling with anxiety or depression.

Research suggests that two-thirds of those dealing with stress and depression usually feel even worse over the holidays. Our viral woes, combined with upcoming “holiday blues,” threaten to level a one-two punch at the family members we care about most.

Withing: A new word to transform our holidays

Replacing the traditional hustle and bustle with small, socially-distanced or virtual gatherings is disappointing, but there is some pandemic light in the darkness. Mandated time at home allows parents, step-parents, household members, and caregivers the opportunity to see more, hear more, and care more deeply. Whether you’re in a living room or a Zoom room, my colleague, Steve Argue, and I recommend you redeem the power of this Advent and Christmas season through withing, a parenting term we introduce in our latest book, Growing With.

We coined withing to mean “growing as a whole family by supporting each other as children grow more independent.” As our teenagers and young adults mature and develop greater agency, withing enables us to provide the unwavering emotional and spiritual support they still need.

Four Christmas gifts withing can bring families

When dealing with anxiety and depression, it’s tempting to retreat into silence and avoid uncomfortable conversations. Withing presses against withdrawal with four deliberate moves. Families that intentionally grow up together won’t grow apart.

Withing makes mental health and struggles discussable. 

It’s time to stop worrying that asking our young people about stress or suicide will only make them feel worse. The opposite is generally true; talking about mental health is usually a relief.

Whether we’re knocking on our teenager’s bedroom door or reaching out to our twentysomething on FaceTime, withing challenges us to swim from the conversational shallow end into deeper discussion waters. If you’re unsure how to dive into a conversation about mental health, try asking your young person, “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst, how would you rate your anxiety?” If they answer a 1-3, explain that’s a normal level of anxiety we all experience from time to time. If they respond with a 4 or 5, you can further explore what’s causing the anxiety, pray with them and assure them them how Christmas means God with us  (Matthew 1:23). You can help them identify valuable coping strategies, along Scriptural truths that can serve as emotional and spiritual anchors—such as Psalm 46:10 (“be still and know that I am God”) and Philippians 4:6 (“be anxious about nothing; pray about everything”).

If they name 6 or above, they almost certainly need additional support from you as well as a friend, mentor, youth pastor, fellow church member, and at times, a trained mental health professional. Make withing a goal of your holidays and your homes will become the first places to talk about anxiety and depression, not the last.

Withing invites better questions. 

When bringing up any topic, a two-question strategy works effectively. Follow up a question with another slightly deeper question. This shows interest in a young person and increases our chances of having a genuine conversation instead of what feels like an inquisition or pop quiz.

So after you ask, “What’s your favorite show on Netflix these days?,” ask a second question, “Why do you think that show is so popular?” Or, after you ask a young person what they are doing in virtual or in-person youth group this month, invite them to tell you which part helps them feel closest to God. The reciprocity that’s core to withing means you are also ready to answer those same questions, as well as any others that come your way.

Withing embraces the highs and the lows. 

Early in the pandemic, my family accepted the advice of my good friend and Fuller Youth Institute teammate, Brad Griffin, to acknowledge both losses and blessings. We kept two lists at our kitchen table and added new pandemic “griefs” and “gratitudes” at every dinner. I think we might start two new lists for the holiday season so the five of us can reflect on the Emmanuel who is “with us” through our highs and lows.

I’m an optimist so I default to discussing the positive. Withing makes space at our family table for all our feelings, not just the warm and fuzzy ones. These 2020 holidays give families new opportunities to name our struggles and victories out loud, making them easier to discuss both now and in the future.

Withing balances both empathy and empowerment. 

Like all of us, young people want to be known. Our empathy, or our ability to notice and care, shows family members that in the midst of their stress and anxiety, we see them. We hear them. Perhaps most importantly, we get them.

As we empathize, we will realize our teenage neighbor is anxious after a sub-par volleyball practice not only because he fears he won’t get much playing time, but because he struggles with centering his identity in athletic performance. We are able to link our daughter’s stubborn determination to set her own final exam study schedule with her recent birthday and her growing quest for more independence. Empathy helps us push past the superficial and let the real story emerge.

Empathy without empowerment can lead a person to feeling known, but still stuck. Withing enables us to pinpoint where our family members stand, while simultaneously coaxing them to take a next faithful step.

One of my favorite phrases that merges empathy with empowerment is, “That stinks, and I think you can handle it. ”Depending on our context, we can modify that phrase to something like, “If I faced what you face this Christmas, I’d be anxious too. How can I help you figure out what to do next?” Or “That sounds so stressful. How can you experience God’s peace in the midst of all you’re juggling?” The exact wording will change, but withing’s intentional pairing of empathy and empowerment helps us now and throughout the new year.

While this holiday season will be different than most, our physical separation doesn’t need to lead to relational isolation. As you offer young people the gift of growing with them, this is your moment to start new and improved holiday traditions, conversations, and connections.

For additional help: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK or suicidepreventionlifeline.org) is a proven resource for young people in crisis as well as for concerned friends or family members.

In addition, the Steve Fund Crisis Text Line is a helpful service dedicated to the mental health and emotional well-being of young people of color that can be reached by texting STEVE to 741741, or visiting stevefund.org/crisistextline.

Eat, Pray, Love: How Families Grow Stronger During the Pandemic

* The following article was copied from www.thegospelproject.org.

The Story: A new survey finds that the pandemic has drawn some families closer together.

The Background: The American Family Survey (AFS) is a nationally representative survey of Americans sponsored by the Deseret News and Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy in connection with YouGov. The survey examines “Family Life During a Pandemic” and was taken between July 3 and 14, several months after the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Despite the stress and disruption of the pandemic, many families seem to be flourishing and even growing closer during the time of hardship.

For example, more than half of Americans (54 percent) reported eating dinner together every day, while another one-in-four reported eating together weekly (10 percent) or a few times per week (18 percent). About four-in-10 say they worship together as a family weekly (21 percent), once a month (7 percent), a few times a week (7 percent), or daily (7 percent).

Almost half of Americans (48 percent) say that their marriage or relationship is about the same as two years ago, while another 43 percent say it is stronger. Similarly, more than half (53 percent) say their family relationships are about the same, while 30 percent say they are even stronger today. More than two-thirds say they are somewhat (31 percent) or completely (44 percent) satisfied with their family.

About one-in-three reported that the current level of tension between members of their household was less than average (13 percent) or much less than average (19 percent). A majority said it was the same as average (52 percent).

A majority (57 percent) say that having their children at home has made them feel better/more secure about their well-being. Nearly 40 percent say they have become more likely to consider homeschooling their kids in the future.

About two-thirds of parents said their daughters were doing very well (51 percent) or somewhat well (26 percent) in the area of family relationships, while a similar percentage of parents found their sons were doing very well (46 percent) or somewhat well (28 percent).

About a third of parents believe churches have served their sons very well (22 percent) or somewhat well (14 percent), while a similar percentage of parents found churches serving their daughters very well (25 percent) or somewhat well (16 percent).

When asked about how the coronavirus pandemic has affected their marriage/relationship, a majority agreed (36 percent) or strongly agreed (20 percent) that it has made them appreciate their partner more; only 10 percent disagreed.

A near majority (47 percent) also agreed the pandemic has deepened their commitment to their marriage/relationship, and a similar number disagreed that that the pandemic has increased stress in their marriage/relationship. A solid majority (62 percent) also say the pandemic has not caused them to question the strength of their marriage/relationship.

When asked if their thoughts about divorce, separation, or breaking up have changed since the coronavirus pandemic began, 84 percent said there was no change, and 8 percent said they were less likely to divorce. Only 2 percent said they did divorce, separate, or break up, and 6 percent said it was more likely.

What It Means: The pandemic has been deeply destructive and has forced many Americans to radically change the way they live, often for the worse. Yet despite enduring extended periods of hardship, many families are drawing closer together and developing positive patterns of behavior. A prime example is the number of families sharing an evening meal together.

Eating meals together as a family has been shown to be inversely associated with disordered eating, alcohol and substance use, violent behavior, and feelings of depression or thoughts of suicide. There is also a positive relationship between frequent family meals and increased self-esteem and commitment to learning or a higher grade point average. Other research has found that children who routinely eat meals together with their family are more likely to experience long-term physical and mental health benefits. “From a population-health perspective, our findings suggest that family meals have long-term influences on children’s physical and mental well-being,” says Marie-Josée Harbec of the Université de Montréal.

But there is a factor that can be even more important for bringing families closer than eating together: praying together.

Unfortunately, according to the survey, only 11 percent of Americans say they pray together as a couple, outside of meals every day, while another one-in-five say they do so weekly (10 percent) or a few times a week (8 percent). A near majority never prays together. If couples don’t pray with each other, they are less likely to be praying with their children either.

Why does it matter if families pray together? Research has shown that prayer may be the most important spiritual practice in relational success. In his book Soul Mates, University of Virginia sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox finds, “Latino and black couples who attend church together enjoy significantly happier relationships, in large part . . . because they pray with one another.” Glenn Stanton, director of global family formation studies at Focus on the Family, also points to a 2015 study that found husbands and wives praying together for each other individually and offering forgiveness for personal offenses has “significant positive” effects on marriage overall.

“It helps them deal with the troubles that naturally arise in marriage,” Stanton says, “making them both accountable to God, who tells us not to hang onto past hurts and to sacrificially love and forgive others.” Stanton adds,

Prayer not only invites God into the relationship at times of unhappiness and struggle, but also helps the couple become more intimate and concerned with one another. Regularly sharing one’s thoughts with God in the presence of another is extremely intimate, perhaps rivaled only by physical intimacy. It binds people together. They both require great transparency and trust, enhancing the marital relationship.

In 1947, a young ad copywriter popularized the slogan, “The family that prays together stays together.” There’s biblical truth embedded in that message, since as Jesus promised, “For where two or three have gathered together in my name, I am there in their midst” (Matt. 18:20). Our families are likely to grow stronger when we eat, pray, and love together, knowing Jesus is in our midst.

10 Tips to Survive Online School at Home

* The following is a combination of two posts on https://thesimpleadventure.family where our friends Lisa and Phil Bell share lots of great family tips. Follow them for some great parenting and family content.

Here in North Carolina, school is getting ready to start back up in the next couple of weeks. For many of us, online “at home” is the only option we have… 

If this your reality too, you might be thinking:

“How on earth can we survive another season of stay at home online school?”

For the past three years our kids have attended a “University Model School.” Essentially, it’s a hybrid. Our kids attend school 2-3 days a week and complete their assignments from home the other days. Because of our experience, we feel it’s prepared us quite well for stay at home online school. In other ways, we feel completely unprepared for this current world…

Barely Surviving Or Learning To Thrive? 

If you are wondering how you can survive another season of online school, we’d love to share some ideas, and even reinforce what you might already be doing. Most of all, we hope you will be encouraged to survive and thrive in this upcoming school year.

In two posts, (because there’s so much to share), we will cover ten ways to help you thrive in this season of online school.

Let’s get started! 

1. Give Yourself Credit!

You’ve made it this far! Before you do anything else, look back and see all that you have made it through as a family. It might not have been pretty at times, but keep in mind how much you’ve navigated so far. 

It’s unprecedented times you are in! You are living in a global pandemic like no other. The last time anything like this happened, it was over one hundred years ago. There’s no playbook for a time like this. Give yourself a high five, take a deep breath, and look back to appreciate how much you have adapted. You’ve come this far.

You. Can. Do. It!

2. Create The Environment.

If you haven’t done this already, ensure that both you and your kids have defined workspaces. They don’t have to be places where you need to close the door, just ensure you have a dedicated workspace that prepares you and the kids to mentally prepare for school and work.

For our family, we’ve discovered that each of our kids has a different need for their environment.

Maybe your child is distracted easily and needs noise-cancelling headphones, while another likes to have music playing in the background. An older child may independently work in his room, while a younger child might need more supervision and quick access to a parent.

Make sure there is enough lighting and that your wi-fi can reach the work areas. Whether it’s sitting at a personal desk, using a lap desk on your couch, or sharing the kitchen table, figure out the best defined workspaces for you and your kids. If you want to get really fancy, check out this post for some great ideas. 

3. Create The Routine.

At the beginning of the pandemic some of our kids thought this it was the start of a glorified sleepover with sleep-in times past noon. Other kids thought the lack of structure was the end of the world…

Kids. So dramatic!

In all seriousness, a healthy (and realistic) routine will guide us through each day successfully. Whether our kids know it or not, they thrive better with routine. It’s also helpful to realize how routine will help to prepare them for college and work life one day.

When thinking through a healthy routine, here are some essentials to consider:

• Wake up time. Allow them to sleep-in in a little but decide on a set wake up time for kids (and parents!)

• Get dressed. (No pajama parties at our house. There’s a lot to be said for the value in getting dressed and psychologically being ready to study).

• Breakfast time. (It’s helpful to have a cut-off time or “the kitchen is now closed” time.)

• Study time. Create a rhythm in the order of subjects so they know what to expect each day. Have a start and a finish time. Don’t allow procrastinating to bleed into the evening.

• Snack breaks. We have a snack bin they can pick from or they are encouraged to eat a piece of fruit.

• Outdoor time. During the school day, we try to give our kids 20 minutes of outdoor time in the morning. Physical activity helps the brain to focus and gets the wiggles out. It’s amazing what a bit of fresh air can do.

4. Set Expectations For YOUR Workspace And Workday.

If you are working from home at the same time as your kids, it will become very challenging if you don’t set some clear boundaries.

Having a defined workspace will help your kids know that when you are there, it’s your work time, but they will also need to know when they can interrupt you for help.

Before school starts, have a discussion with your kids about the best way they can get help from you and when it is an appropriate ask. If you are like us, you will likely have to revisit this, communicate again, and even adapt. Just ensure that you are communicating this ahead of time.

Healthy expectations ahead of time will help avoid a great deal of frustrations, but know it won’t eliminate them entirely.

5. Give Rewards! 

When we asked our kids about what we could add to this post, our middle child (who is 11) said,

“Give us stickers and rewards!” 

It’s a small thing, but we’ve created a simple system of rewards for our kids when they get things done. We’ve adapted these over the years based on their interests and age. Some of the rewards include:

• Stickers, stamps, pencils for a job well-done

• A family outing or movie night that they collaboratively work towards

• A star chart to reach an individual goal/reward. This works well for chores too.

• Personalized reward coupons. There are many free printable ones online. 

6. Make The Most Of Your Flexible Schedule

While it’s a challenging time, it’s good to find ways to take advantage of the benefits of an online schedule. For us, it’s been possible to take quick family outings on days when the online load has been lower, when the kids have doubled-up on other days, or when we have been able to move work to a weekend day.

We’ve taken day trips hiking and to the beach. (Technically, I think we played “hooky” the beach day, but don’t tell anyone.)

If you are able to buy some time away and suddenly announce a beach trip or a family picnic, it makes everything feel more like an adventure. 

Search for these opportunities as much as you can and you’ll discover that the “pits” of the pandemic can become “peaks” and defining moments for your family. (For more on creating Defining Moments, you’ve got to check out this book – affiliate link)

7. Make Learning Fun!

The day in and day out monotony of life can wear on us all. Try adding some variety and excitement into the school day from time to time, while taking advantage of opportunities to reinforce what they are learning in school. Here are a few ways we try to do this:

• Print off some fun worksheets or buy a puzzle activity book to stimulate the mind. It can be as simple as a word search, coloring page, or maze. Our elementary-age children look forward to doing a “fun sheet” at the end of their school day.

• Reinforce learning concepts in a fun, practical way. Is your child learning fractions? Encourage him to help you bake and point out the fractions in the measuring cups. Better yet, have your child double to recipe and write it out beforehand. Is he learning about money? Have him play store and use real money to count out change.

• Encourage creativity in the form of an arts-and-crafts project. Consider the many holiday and seasonal crafts that are a rite of passage (Thanksgiving turkeys, snowflakes, etc.) Try doing a simple search online with words like “crafts,” “simple,” “free,” or “printable” and take advantage of someone else’s work. Make sure you stock up on craft supplies. One can never have enough glue sticks.

• No time to print-off anything? Make a tedious activity (like times tables) into a race. Have a dance break. Let them build a fort and eat lunch in it. It doesn’t have to be complicated or pre-meditated, just fun!

8. Incorporate Life Skills!

Now is the perfect time to set your children up for a more successful future as responsible adults.

Take advantage of having time at home to teach your children practical life skills like doing the laundry, planning and cooking a meal, washing dishes, emptying trash cans, or taking care of the yard. Even preschoolers are able to help put away their own clothes or clean doorknobs.

It might mean doing some jobs a little slower and messier as they get the hang of it, but in the long run, you’ll not only be teaching your children valuable life skills, you’ll also be saving yourself some time. 

What would it look like if your high schooler took over planning and making a meal each week? What if your children were able to independently do their own laundry? Start earning back some time before life speeds up again.

9. Be Quiet!

Now, you might be thinking we are talking about getting your kids to shut their mouths, (a complete impossibility in the Bell House), but I am actually referring to you! Your ability to survive and even thrive the online school business will depend greatly on how much time you take for yourself to be quiet, reflect, and replenish. This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give you. 

If you are constantly giving out as a parent, it’s imperative that you take time to fill your tank. As you plan the back to school routine, don’t miss scheduling in a DAILY time to be quiet.

Maybe it’s a 20 minute walk, a half-hour of uninterrupted reading time, or a long soak in the tub. Don’t feel guilty and don’t short-change yourself. You need it and your family needs you take time for yourself too.

10. Reach Out.

If there’s one thing we’ve been learning in this time is that we are not alone. There are no experts out there, just people like us trying to figure things out.

The problem is, we still live in our perfect picture posting Instagram lives and it’s easy to think that we are the only ones making a mess of things.

The truth is, we are all struggling in different ways, but we are also finding some incredibly innovative ways to thrive as well.

Take a step today and reach out to other parents and ask what they are doing. Ask them how they are really doing. You’ll find some great solutions and you’ll also discover you are not alone in your struggles. Be an encourager as you are encouraged.

And if you feel compelled, please share this post with them! We’d love to encourage them too! 

Finally, here’s one final and brutally honest piece of advice.

Embrace the mess and focus on creating moments with your kids. If your house is anything like ours, it’s chaos! That’s normal. Embrace normal…

Finally, we know that for many of us, online school is going to be challenging. Give yourself (and your kids) some grace, and take one step at a time. With some healthy structure, and a good plan, you will be amazed at how you do.  

Lisa and Phil 

2020 Back-to-School Plan For Your Family

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Like us, you’re probably wondering: When did summer start? Did summer even happen? What month is it? What day of the week is it? 

Well, believe it or not, it’s time to go back to school. And whether your kid is going to school face-to-face or face-to-screen, this school year will be unique. 

For the past few months, you and your family have probably found yourselves with a little more “together” time than you’re used to (and for some of you, it’s been a bit too much “together” time . . . ) Either way, there’s one thing we can all agree on—life happens, and when we’re not intentional with our time, it slips through our fingers. 

The past few months have been survival. And that’s okay. But going back to school means a new rhythm for your family. A fresh start. An opportunity to create intentional moments for you and your family to connect. 

That’s why we’ve designed a resource to help you make a plan for the things that matter to your family during the 2020-2021 school year.

So grab your calendars, bribe your family with some delicious snacks, and sit down together to create your personalized 2020 Back-to-School Plan! 

How The Pandemic Has Been Good For Parenting

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Parents Just Want to Keep Kids Safe

If you have ever read any kind of parenting blog, book or resource, you are probably familiar with the term “helicopter parent.” It’s the parenting style that thrives on hovering over the children, paying attention to any sense of discomfort, unhappiness, emotional distress and then taking care of it. In recent years, a new kind of parenting emerged (even more intrusive than helicopter parenting, if you can imagine). They call it “lawnmower parenting.”

Essentially, it’s parenting by preparing the path for the child instead of the child for the path.

A lawnmower parent doesn’t wait until something difficult happens to their child and then sweeps in to fix it, like the helicopter parent. The lawnmower parent makes sure something difficult never happens. (Think college admissions cheating scandal.) Lawnmower parenting removes all obstacles. It serves as a buffer, a barricade between the real world and the child. It comes from a place of love and concern. But it is largely motivated by fear. And as most parents realize, at some point or another, parenting doesn’t work the way they realize.

Because ultimately, this desire to protect and keep safe and to shield? It backfires when we understand that no amount of parenting can keep our kids safe from the world.

And that’s what COVID-19 has made increasingly clear. As a result, our default parenting strategies and styles are being challenged in a way they never have before. In a strange sort of way, this age of COVID-19 is saving our children from our detrimental parenting strategies.

The World Is Not Always a Safe Place

Because the truth is, this pandemic crisis has brought to light what has always been true, but we, as parents have been reluctant to admit. The world isn’t always a safe place. It isn’t fair. It isn’t easy. It raises questions we don’t know how to answer. The truth is, there’s not a whole lot we can do to protect our kids from the reality of life. No amount of helicopter parenting or lawnmower parenting will do it.

That’s the bad news.

The good news? What our kids can learn as a result. Resilience. Resilience is the skill we develop when things are challenging, difficult and overwhelming, when it feels like we can’t go on, but then learn, remarkably, that we can. That even though things don’t go the way we want, we discover we are far more capable than we think we are.

That’s what these strange times have the potential to teach our kids.
That the world is scary. But we can handle it.
That things don’t look familiar. But that we can face it.
That uncertainty is hard. But we can survive it.
That nothing feels secure. But that we will always have each other.

That’s resilience. A lesson we never would have chosen for our kids, but a lesson our kids need nonetheless.

Our Kids are Learning Resilience

Our families and our kids have lost a lot of things in the past couple of months.
We lost normalcy.
We lost structure.
We lost sports.
We lost birthday parties.
We lost playdates.
We lost graduations.
We lost church gatherings.
We lost the intangible millions of little and big things that made our life, ours.

And there have been more days and nights than maybe we care to admit where we felt overwhelmed and emotionally beat up. Moments where another day doing the same thing in the same space with the same needy children makes us want to bang our heads against the wall. We feel defeated. We feel like we are failing. We feel like if there was a “best practices” for parenting in a pandemic (which there aren’t), we’d be screwing it up in every way possible.

But here’s the thing.

We’re still here. We are still getting up every day and doing it. Maybe not perfectly. Maybe not even adequately. (Although really, who’s to judge?) We are showing up. And so are our kids. They’re learning as they go, just as we are. And it may not be great or even good. But it’s enough.

See, the secret in this time isn’t just that our kids are learning the lesson of resilience—the lesson we never wanted to teach them for fear of what the challenges might do to them. The secret is that we are learning resilience, too.

We are Learning Resilience, Too

As parents. As families. As neighborhoods. As churches. As schools. As cities. As states. As countries. As a global community. We are growing and stretching and it is uncomfortable and painful. But because we have no other option. We are doing it.

We are working from home while homeschooling and sheltering in place. We are pivoting our lives. We are physically distanced from family and physically vulnerable loved ones.

We are finding that the things we outsourced to others—whether that’s cooking or our kids’ spiritual development—we are doing ourselves, and we aren’t terrible at it. Not that it’s been easy.

But we are discovering, thanks to resilience, we are far more capable than we thought we were. What a surprise. And what a gift.

There’s a lot that COVID-19 has taken from us. A lot that isn’t fair. A lot we didn’t expect or plan for. But it has given us something too. The blessing of resilience. And that is no small thing. For us or for our kids. We will be better for it. We will.

What Will School Look Like? 4 Ways to Pray

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

Many are anxiously wondering, “What will school look like this fall?” With all the uncertainty, here are four ways to pray for your decisions.

I sat on the couch opposite my friend as we caught up on the last few months. Each of us with a kid heading into second grade, our chatter revolved around the last semester—missed school plays, canceled field trips, and how we’ve succeeded and failed at helping our kids cope.

But one question loomed like a rain cloud. What will school look like?

If you have kids enrolled in traditional schooling, you’re likely having similar conversations. Should my kids attend in person? Will there be recess? Will my first grader have to wear a mask? What if they open classrooms just to close them all over again? 

My niece recently told me her daughter’s school district asked parents to make a decision in the next two weeks: virtual learning or return to the school building. With virus cases in her area rising and a baby at home, she and her husband are leaning toward virtual. And my social media feed is filled with parents and teachers alike weighing in on the variables in their own decision-making process.

What will school look like? Praying through the uncertainty

Both my husband and I work full-time. And I’ll admit, working-mom guilt has been at an all-time high since school let out in March (less time to play with Zoom meetings stacked back-to-back).

Homeschooling was a challenge for me. And because of my job, some of the options friends are talking about aren’t on the table for my family. Yet I still hesitate to send my children back to school.

I worry their friends’ parents will keep them home and my kids will feel alone. I worry well-intended social restrictions will be too much on my kids’ emotional well-being. Then there’s still lingering fear for their health.

And what about the loss of so many experiences? I can’t help but grieve even the smallest things: my daughter’s loss of her first homecoming dance, my son missing his first flag football game.

Compounded by personal and world events, my normally controlled anxiety has been kicked up a notch.

But I’m not alone. Even my stay-at-home mom friends worry about their capacity to keep up with toddlers and a middle-schooler’s learning. A homeschooling friend confided she was concerned their regular homeschool groups would be canceled, a social release her kids look forward to weekly.

No matter your schooling venue, many of us are anxiously wondering, What will school look like? So as we all approach decisions we didn’t know we’d be making, here are four ways to pray through the process.

Pray your decisions won’t be driven by fear

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).

If I let myself, there’s a lot I could come up with to fear right now: loved ones’ health, how my job will look this fall if the kids need to stay home, whether school restrictions will be enough … or too much. It’s overwhelming.

But making fear-based decisions won’t help my kids. Fear tends to breed more fear. And it clouds better judgment. Like if I really let fear have free rein, I might keep my kids locked up indoors all day to protect them from everything from scraped knees to rabid squirrels. That’s not healthy. But my friend’s concern over her immune-compromised child missing out on school plays and field days? That’s legitimate.

I’m asking God to clear my mind from unhealthy fear as my husband and I seek what’s best for our family this school year. There are a lot of unknowns.

But isn’t that always true? My husband and I both need God’s strength to reel that in and think clearly. Then we can come together in agreement on what school option looks right for our family.

Pray the right decisions will be made for each child

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14).

One of the hardest parts of parenting is accepting the fact that I don’t always know what’s best for my kids. (Despite frequently singing “Mother Knows Best” from Tangled to my teenaged daughter.) To tell you the truth, I’m feeling a bit out of my league here with the schooling decisions.

And I’m not the only one.

A friend recently asked her homeschooling and educator friends for help in determining what would be right for her two kids. Her oldest is in all honor classes and is self-motivated enough to likely thrive in a structured classroom environment or online. Her youngest, on the other hand, has different learning needs she isn’t sure will be met if he stays home. But she doesn’t know how he’ll handle the new social restrictions at school either.

I recently read an article on what epidemiologists are planning for their own kids, and found even the health experts don’t seem to agree on the right path. (Oddly, I found this comforting.) They’re struggling with the same questions you and I are. And there are no easy answers.

So I’m praying I don’t look at my kids—or our family’s situation and needs—from a one-size-fits-all approach. Like my friend, I’m seeking guidance from other parents, teachers, and health experts. And I’m asking God, who knows my kids better than I do, to make clear the right decisions for the upcoming year.

Pray for the ones educating our children

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you” (Psalm 32:8).

When my public-school kids were suddenly homeschooled last spring, their teachers and school staff lavished love on them. A parade of their favorite teachers and school leaders flooded our neighborhood, six feet apart. They called/emailed/texted to check on their students. They scheduled daily story times and offered one-on-one tutoring. And they claimed a permanent piece of this mama’s heart.

As we all wonder what school will look like for our kids, I don’t want to forget kids and parents won’t be the only ones adjusting to a new environment. My teacher friends are already racking their brains on ways to develop trusting relationships with their students who won’t be there in person. Or how to maximize safety and learning with minimum space. Can you imagine telling 20 kindergarteners to stay six feet from their neighbor?

Pray for teachers in your kids’ schools. Pray for the administrators, counselors, support staff from janitors to food service, and everyone else involved in your children’s lives at school. I pray we remember to have patience with them. Because while we are determining the needs of our own kids, they are spending their summer determining the needs of many.

Like us, they might not always get it right. I pray we all remember to offer each other a lot of grace.

Once you’ve made your decision, pray for release from anxiety

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Maybe you already know the answer to What will school look like this fall? But maybe you’re still wrestling with the decision you made.

We can’t see what’s just down the road. Many schools are locking in whatever choice parents do make for their kids. (Virtual learning not working out? Can’t choose in-person until the spring semester). This school year likely won’t look like any of us expect. It’s likely to morph and flow differently once we’re all in the thick of it, and that alone can create angst.

So once you’ve made a decision you are confident works best for your family, pray for God to release the anxiety of that decision from your shoulders. Ask Him to help you trust your children’s learning, health, and safety to Him whether you plan to hug them at drop-off in the mornings or prepare a spot for home-learning.

What will school look like this year? We just don’t know. But I’m praying for you as you seek the best school options for your family.

How To Make It Through When Things Get Tough

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why

We Take It One Step at a Time

Remember “One Step at a Time” by Jordin Sparks? It was the third single from her debut album, which came out after she won American Idol in 2007. Looking back, it’s a perfect pop song, with a solid message about facing your challenges with determination. And if you ask me, it’s perfect for your quarantine playlist. After all, isn’t that what we’re all doing here in 2020—living one step at a time?

I remember hearing that song on the radio in 2007 . . . which is funny because right around that time, MY world was about to change. I was about to enter the wonderful and (at times) seemingly impossible world of parenthood. My two daughters were born in close succession, in 2008 and 2009.

Parenthood Requires Determination

Those years were definitely a time for determination. Life as we knew it would never be the same. There was the joy and excitement of caring for two brand-new little humans. We cheered them on, through every new milestone and every discovery along the way.

There was also the harsh reality that we no longer had any time or energy left for ourselves. It was a time to celebrate, and also a time to mourn. We look back in wonder: How did we do it? How did we make it through?

The answer, of course, is very simple. We took life one step at a time. We put one foot in front of the other. We did what we had to do for our girls.

I don’t remember much from those years. It’s all kind of a blur. But somehow, we made it through. We found new routines. Before we knew it, we were dropping our girls off at kindergarten—just like everyone had promised we would.

Every Season Has Victories and Challenges

Every season has its victories and its challenges—and life in 2020 is certainly no exception. You probably have plenty of new routines just like we do (none of which were happening in 2019).

Online classes.
Zoom meetings.
Evening family walks.

More than anything, quarantine has taught me just how resilient people can be. When life seems chaotic, we create structure . . . and the very act of creating structure gives us a sense of purpose.

This is what we do in any significant season of life. Think back to your own experience after 9/11, or during the financial crisis of 2008. We all experienced those events differently, but they affected all of us profoundly. We had to celebrate what was unique in those seasons while also taking time to mourn what we had lost.

That’s true for any big events we might experience. Our personal highs and lows will always rise and fall, regardless of the events of the world around us. Our families grow. Our careers change. We lose people we love. We balance our hopes and dreams against fear, disappointment, and pain.

In the end, we look back—much like I look back at our “newborn years” in the late 2000s. Nothing was easy about that time. But now, I see how God helped us grow and change in the process. I can see how He opened doors for the future when we couldn’t see 10 feet ahead. I can see how adversity shaped us, and taught us how to persevere.

The Story We Will Tell About 2020

In the same way, I think we’ll look back on this time in 2020 with mixed emotions. We’ll mourn what we’ve lost: graduations, group activities, the comfort of in-person human connection. And, of course, some have lost so much more.

We’ll remember how overwhelmed we felt when there was no end in sight . . . nothing was certain . . . and we had no idea what the future would hold.

So what did we DO about it? How did we make it through?

How Did We Make it Through?

We took a deep breath.
We put one foot in front of another.
We took life one day at a time.

We learned to appreciate the little things.
We slowed down.
We spent quality time with the people we love.

We leaned into community—even when it was virtual.
We discovered how capable we really were.
We trusted God, because we had to.

We were determined.

We persevered . . . step by step, day by day.

That’s a story I want my girls to be able to tell. And we have a chance to live it right now.

A Faith of Their Own

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I was the mom with the schedule. Feeding schedule. Sleeping schedule. Reading and playtime schedule. I even had a written schedule on my refrigerator that I followed so I wouldn’t forget anything. I’m telling you, I was the schedule queen. (I’m shaking my head laughing just thinking about it.)

Why the scheduling? I simply wanted what was best for my kids. I wanted to make sure they got what they needed. Somehow I got it in my head that if I did everything perfectly things would be, well, perfect.

Yes. Perfect.

The perfect playgroup.
The perfect meal.
The perfect bath time.
The perfect toys.
The perfect preschool.
The perfect life.

We all know perfect is not possible.

No person . . .
No day. . .
No circumstance . . .
No life . . .
is perfect.

And yet we “good” parents try. I tried. (And then felt defeated when it wasn’t.)

At some point along the way, during those early preschool years, I began to see that no amount of micromanaging will ever prevent my children from disappointment and hurt.

We live in a fallen world.

Pain and disappointment are inevitable.

I came to the conclusion that rather than drive myself crazy trying to do the impossible, my time would be best spent training my children to trust God no matter what and how they can respond to pain and disappointment in ways that honor Him.

I began focusing more on the heart, not the circumstance.

Rather than write letters requesting certain teachers for my kids at their public school, we prayed that God would give them who He wanted and help them honor Him in that classroom. Yes, a few times we got “that” teacher, and looking back, I wouldn’t trade the spiritual growth in my kids for anything.

When my kids get their feelings hurt by a peer, I don’t call the other mom. I encourage my children to have the hard conversation so they can learn how to become peacemakers, forgive, and love like Jesus.

When my son didn’t make the basketball team in middle school I could have had “the talk” with the coach or complained to fellow parents, but instead I encouraged my son to trust God, be the best water boy he could be, and cheer for his friends. He did. And I guarantee I was the proudest mom in the stands.

Do you see where I’m going with this? When we focus on trying to control the circumstances in our kid’s life, all in the name of “wanting what’s best,” we put ourselves where only God should be—in control.

Without meaning to, we teach our kids to look to us rather than to God. We teach our children to depend on us to fix every thing, rather than trusting that God will allow, do, fix whatever is best.

We teach our children that nothing bad should ever happen to them. And if that’s not a set-up for disappointment down the road, I don’t know what is!

I can honestly say, after 18 years of parenting and three teenagers later, I experience more joy watching my children respond to trials with wisdom and faith than watching them live life trouble free.

So, keep the sleeping schedule, and make sure you provide lots of great books to read and healthy things to eat, but when it comes to circumstances that God allows in our lives—into your kid’s life—don’t ask, “How can I change what is happening?” Train yourself and your kids to ask, “How can I respond to this in a way that will make God smile?”

Nothing is more important than helping your children develop a faith of their own, for the day will come too soon when mom and dad can’t fix it.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28, NIV

A discussion about faith looks different at every phase. It can be talking with a preschooler about Jesus being God’s Son or with a middle-schooler who is having doubts for the first time. Download our free Faith Conversation Guide to help you have the most important talk you can have with your child.

Parent Prayer Guide

Click here to download our Parents Prayer Guide

Parenting: Your Highest Calling

* The following article was copied from www.homeword.com.

Here are a few things I have learned about parenting over the years:

Parenting isn’t easy. If you are having an easy go at it, then something is probably wrong. Parenting is exhausting. Just ask the mother of a newborn – or of a 2-year-old, a 10-year-old or even a 16-year-old, for that matter!

Parenting is frustrating. We still live in a make-believe world in which some of us actually expect that there is a place this side of heaven where no conflict resides. If there is such a place, it isn’t in the family.

Parenting is delayed gratification. Parents plant seeds in their children that will not sprout until adulthood. Parenting is partnering with God to bring His children into the world and to help them become all they are meant to be.

Parenting is the highest calling on earth. There is no doubt that one of the primary reasons God placed you on this planet was to pass on a positive, healthy legacy to your family.

The crazy thing about parenting is that there is no single method or plan that works perfectly; there is no guarantee that if what you are doing is working with kid number one, it will work with kids number two, three, four or however many kids you are brave enough to have. You can debate the various philosophies of parenting and family life. Believe me, there are hundreds—no, thousands—of parenting plans out there. Many of them actually contradict each other! However, all healthy parenting plans will tell you, in one way or another, that happy, healthy families experience the power of being there for each other. Most parents reading this blog are doing a much better job than they think; and although the only evident results are long-term, their investment of time, attention and presence in the lives of their children will make a positive difference.

Raising Kids Who Will Initiate Racial Equality

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

When my son was three years old, his school introduced him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. He became completely fascinated with Dr. King, so my husband and I walked with him down an MLK rabbit hole. Well, an MLK rabbit hole that we felt was appropriate for a three-year-old.

We live in Atlanta, so we took him to visit Dr. King’s birth home. We also read books and watched videos about Dr. King’s involvement with the Civil Rights Movement and introduced him to the famous I Have a Dream speech which he requested be played on repeat. Recently, when we visited Washington D.C., we took him to both the Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorials.

But of course, the truth of Dr. King’s work and legacy is quite a big concept to understand at such a young age. And, to be honest, while we happily talked with him about Dr. King being a leader and role model, we weren’t eager to engage him in a conversation about race and inequality. But he was so relentlessly curious:

Why did Martin Luther King, Jr. go to jail? What does “equal” mean? Why do those dogs look so mean in that picture? Is Martin Luther King, Jr. still alive? How did he die? Why did he say, “______” in the I have a dream speech?

We tried so hard to craft our responses; unfortunately, our veiled attempts at discretion always slightly missed the mark. I tried to explain “equality” by using pepperoni pizza and telling him that “equality” meant everyone gets the same number of slices. All throughout that conversation I was so proud of my “good” parenting.

But that went left very fast when I heard him tell someone that Dr. King was a pizza man. My husband and I wanted to respond to his questions in a developmentally appropriate way. Yet, at the same time, we wanted to be honest in sharing the painful past of our country . . . well, edited parts of it. The depths of segregation, injustice, and the mistreatment of people of color just seemed to be very big for his three-year life experience.

We wanted him to continue living in a utopian world where race did not matter. We wanted him to continue living in a world where it was completely normal for his racially diverse friendship crew to affectionately call each other “brother and sister.” But we realized, even though that was the truth of his experience, it wasn’t the truth of the world in which our little black boy lived.

If we did not want to perpetuate an ideology of ignorance, we had to engage his curiosity with truth. We decided to introduce our son to race, or so we thought. Through the conversation we realized that in actuality, we were just giving him language for something he had already noticed. In the same way that he had noticed gender differences among his friends, he had also noticed racial differences. But the difference between his three-year-old understanding of race and my adult understanding of race, was that his was just developing.

My husband and I had an amazingly rare opportunity in our hands to consciously mold his thinking as it pertained to race and equality. We were literally laying the foundation for how he would grow up understanding these things. While this is such an amazing gift, creating change within the world is not something one household or even one race can accomplish alone. If we want to raise up a new generation of leaders who establish a new world norm; ignoring conversations of race, racism, injustice and inequality within the home are not privileges any of us are granted.

As parents, we need to check in with our children to discover what they already know, what they’ve seen/heard and what they think about it all. If necessary, we need to be willing to do the work of deconstructing and reconstructing.

Yet, while conversations about race are essential, they alone don’t create the inclusion necessary to cause generational change.

Children need to see people coming to their home who look different than them.
Children should be exposed to cultures different than their own.
Children should see their parents laugh and have substantive conversations with other races.

Though it’s essential for children to see people who look like them doing amazing things; it’s also essential for children to see people who don’t look like them doing those same amazing things. This will help them grow up not only knowing things should be equal, but becoming initiators of racial equality.

Talking to Your Kids About Racism

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before Talking to Your Kids About Racism

If you’ve been paying attention these last few years, you know this: Racism is real. But when it comes to talking to kids about racism, many parents are uncertain about how to talk about it with their kids. And while we want to address it, we wish we could shelter them from ever witnessing anything so reminiscent of our dark and painful history. 

But somehow, we know that part of the solution for change starts with us. We also know that as parents, we have an opportunity to make a difference in this world through the incredible influence we have on our kids—who are watching, listening, and taking it all in—regardless of whether we intend for them to or not. 

We also want to bring hope and comfort to our kids through our words and actions in troubling times, so as you think about how to talk to your kids about the realities and uncertainties of our world, we encourage you to ask yourself a few questions. 

1. How are YOU processing your feelings?

In order to have honest conversations with our kids, we need to be honest with ourselves. Check your heart and your thoughts. Be sure to take a step back and identify how you might need to change in your prejudices and in your interactions with others. Reflect on what it really means to love those whom God loves, and unrelentingly pursue forgiveness and reconciliation. Your kids will get many of their cues from observing your response. Yes, they’re really watching and listening. Are your reactions and frustrations to what is happening betraying any subtle biases?

2. Do you celebrate diversity?

Some parents may be tempted to try to teach their kids to be blind to color, to shy away from acknowledging differences or just ignore them altogether. But the truth is that we are all very different in the way God made us—in our skin color, in our genetic makeup, and in our culture. And that’s something to be celebrated, not ignored. Do you model the belief with your words and actions that God made each of us unique and beautiful even in our differences? Do you demonstrate respect and honor towards those you disagree with? How diverse is your circle of friends and the people you associate with? How can you widen that circle for your family? 

3. Are you talking about racism?

Racism is a difficult and sensitive topic, but it does exist, often in the form of subtle comments and prejudice, but sometimes it’s outright hatred and violence. Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. So talk about the issues with others outside your circle and with people of different backgrounds. Discover the truth from various outlets and seek to understand other perspectives. When you find the right words that honestly and respectfully express how you think and feel, choose which words you might share with your kids.

Then talk to your kids about prejudice and racism so you can equip them with the values and the words they will need to respect, celebrate, and stand up for those who are being discriminated against. 

4. Are you focused on love?

As parents, our hearts break in the shadow of these tragic events, and our anxiety, anger, and fear unfortunately leak out onto our kids. It’s okay to be honest with your kids, but it’s important to talk to them about how your family can respond to what’s happening in our world in a positive way.

As you navigate these important conversations, focus on what matters most: LOVE. Put love into action, and rest in the hope that is found there. And dole out love in especially large doses on your kids so they feel safe and secure. Hug them tightly and let them know that God is with them and they don’t have to be afraid. And neither do you.

For help with age appropriate conversations addressing recent events, check out this article: How to Talk to Your Kids About Racism: An Age-by-Age Guide

Managing Fear and Anxiety During a Health Pandemic

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

If you’re struggling with how to manage your family’s increasing anxiety about the current public health crisis, you’re not alone.

As information about Coronavirus (COVID-19) continues to unfold, many families are experiencing a wide range of thoughts, feelings, and reactions.

• Employers and employees are worried about how the coronavirus will impact businesses and the overall economy.

• Parents dread the possibility that students will be asked to stay home from school.

• School districts all over the country have already temporarily closed down.

• And children are struggling to understand what is going on and how they should feel.

With spring break coming up for many students, it’s likely that some travel plans may need to be altered. Other plans (that feel even more urgent) may simply have to wait.

There may be a lot of ambiguity around many things—at least in the short run. Learning to tolerate the ambiguity of life without getting too stressed out is an important aspect of emotional health. But how do you do that?

The first thing is recognizing the signs that you or your child may be struggling. Common reactions to this public health crisis may include:

• Anxiety/excessive fears or worries

• Hyper-vigilance or over preoccupation about your health or body

• Difficulty concentrating

• Feelings of helplessness

• Social isolation or withdrawal

Knowing how to handle our kids’ worries (and our own) isn’t easy. Below are a few simple ways of managing anxiety during any number of life disruptions:

1. Get the facts

Anxiety decreases with facts. Stay informed by viewing expert-sourced and established sites such as the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) and WHO (World Health Organization).

From what is reported, only a small percentage of children have been reportedly affected by the virus, but it’s still important to take healthy precautions.

Adopting healthy hygienic habits such as frequent handwashing with soap and water, utilizing alcohol-based hand sanitizer, and covering your mouth and nose with a tissue or sleeve (not your hands) when coughing or sneezing goes a long way.

If traveling is unavoidable, be sure to wipe down headrests, armrests, and tray tables with disinfectant wipes. And as always, be sure to get adequate sleep. Sleep is restorative and helps to strengthen your immune system.

2. Validate your child’s fears

You may not agree with how your child may be expressing him/herself, but avoid dismissing their fears. Instead, encourage the conversation.

If they’re afraid to go to school, validate that. You might say: “I understand that you’re worried. It makes sense that you would be. What else are you feeling?” Share the truth with your child and clear up any misinformation.

Finally, reinforce what they need to do to keep themselves safe and remind them of what the school is doing to keep them safe. Some children may not discuss their fears but could be internalizing their worries.

It’s important to encourage the expression of all emotions and assure your child you are available to listen whenever he or she wants to talk.

3. Limit media coverage

News stories about the spread of the coronavirus are everywhere and often dramatized for effect. Monitor how much media you and your kids are exposed to. Turn off the TV around younger children.

Anxiety tends to spiral with overexposure to scary information or just overconsumption of information. Keep informed, but be sure to take mental breaks.

4. Discuss disruptions

Have a conversation with your family about how to prepare for life disruptions. Many of life’s disruptions are really hard to anticipate or sufficiently plan for, no matter how hard we try.

Help your children to understand the importance of releasing pre-set timetables. Our timelines may get disrupted and that is unavoidable.

While it can be hard to let go of our timelines and work with the one that life is offering, it takes a level of faith to do so. Trust and faith. The storms of life, while challenging, give us opportunities to exercise our faith.

5. Maintain perspective

Keep in mind what and who truly matters in life. Maintain your social connections. Sure, large crowds might feel scary right now so the Disney cruise will need to be rescheduled, but, try not to isolate from all humans.

Maintaining our closest social networks helps to maintain a sense of safety and normalcy. And besides, flexibility, and a great sense of humor (when possible) are great skills to practice as we manage uncertainty and anxiety.

If you or your child is experiencing an overwhelming sense of fear or anxiety causing significant issues in overall functioning, please seek additional professional mental health support.

Love on Display

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Growing up, I had one of those old blue rectangular Kodak cameras with the orange “point and shoot” button. It came everywhere with me—including a trip my family took to Disney World. While there, I captured an image I still have a copy of. At the end of a long day as we left the park, my brother, sister and I lagged behind my parents, dragging our sore feet. As we made the trek out of the magic and into reality, I watched as my parents—oblivious to our watching— took each other’s hands.

At eleven years old, even I understood—I was witnessing magic. That was worth capturing. So, I snapped a picture. Two actually.

It may sound unremarkable. A small display of affection that caught a kid’s attention. But I think what I tried to memorialize represented more than a husband and wife stealing moments of warmth under their children’s watch. To me, it was a stabilizer. It was a security. It was a chance to exhale a sigh of relief. “There is something right in the world,” it told me. Love was on display. So, I took a picture, understanding even then, moments like these are worth noting.

Jesus, at the Last Supper, made sure the disciples knew the importance of their love being manifested in a real, tangible, way. “The world will know Me because of how well you love each other,” He asserted. Meaning, to show Jesus’ best, we must love each other—and when we do, the observing world will notice.

This wasn’t a passage recorded with parents in mind—but contains wisdom for those of us leading our tiny tribe. Jesus insists love makes a difference, love effectuates, love matters not only to the ones receiving it, but also to the ones witnessing it. Which makes love powerful indeed—maybe particularly in the impressionable lives of the little ones we are raising.

I am one of the lucky ones—privy to purposeful displays of love between my parents, observing a good marriage—and ultimately witnessing Jesus in the midst. But my parent’s 40-year marriage isn’t typical these days—the storybook plotline of familial bliss is more rare than common. In many ways the deck seems stacked against families as we fight for peace, longevity, and connection.

But I also know this. All hope is not lost. Though an uphill battle, though family circumstances may be less than ideal, our potential to display something big—for the sake of our kids and in the lives of our kids—is not diminished. Though our families may look different, though the dream of what we wanted to be may be a far cry from where we currently are, there is an achievable end for every one of us—and by extension, our kids. Love—intentional, directed, consistent love.

Which is why Jesus’ words matter. As parents, we don’t have to have perfect circumstances, relationships, marriage, or kids for love to show up and for love to matter. Love demonstrated and observed matters as much now as it ever has. The world is watching—but also and always, our kids are watching. What if we gave them something to watch? To marvel at? To be intrigued by? To be inspired to imitate?

What if . . .
loving our kids,
spouse,
parents,
family

matters more than we ever thought?

More than our dysfunction?
disappointment
disenchantment?

Because we never know who’s taking note—a stranger, or our very own child. We never know who is observing, desperate for a picture of something good. Something real. Something magic.

In your commitment to display love, you may give someone—especially those you share a roof with—the opportunity to snap a mental picture of you—and give them Jesus in the process.

Empathy is Tonic

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Spooked

My daughter spends most of her free time at the stables where she rides horses. She will happily muck stalls (aka shovel poop), wash horses, and hand pick fungus off their legs. Now, will she clean her bathroom, hang up a wet towel, or care to not leave trash under bed? Absolutely not. But I digress.

You see, the farm is her happy place—it’s the place where she feels most like herself. At school, she is highly anxious and nervous about what others think. At home, she takes out all of those frustrations on her family. But at the farm, she is calm and capable, fully in control of herself and her horse. She is her most authentic self there.

But something happened this summer while at the farm. She experienced a few incidents that reminded her that as much as she loves this horse, it is still in fact a large animal. As she was on a trail ride, the horse spooked, galloped back to the barn, and she was unable to control it. It wouldn’t respond to direction which terrified my daughter. For a month, what was supposed to give my daughter therapy and calm, did nothing but create fear and anxiety.

An “Irrational” Fear

The breaking point was when I received a phone call from her in a panic asking me to come pick her up early from the barn, that she didn’t want to do the trail ride (the same trail where the horse lost control). I walked into the barn and there she was having a full on panic attack. She had the horse in the stall but the door wouldn’t shut. It was jammed. She was afraid the horse was going to trample her.

I walked up and assessed the situation. The horse was calmly eating hay in the stall. It wasn’t angry. It wasn’t bucking. But Sinclair was absolutely convinced otherwise. So I took the lead rope from her hands and stood there with her. I spoke both to her and the horse calmly. I encouraged her to take deep breaths, even as she yelled at me.

What would have happened if I saw Sinclair’s panic and raised her with judgment, shame, or intensity? I don’t know exactly, but I do know it wouldn’t have helped the situation. You see, I saw  there was nothing to fear in the moment. I saw the calm horse. But Sinclair didn’t. And I do know what it’s like to have a panic attack. I do know what it’s like to be afraid of something so greatly that it paralyzes you. So that’s where I chose to meet her. I met her from a place of understanding. That’s empathy.

Empathy is Tonic

I think one of the greatest things we need to develop as parents is empathy. My daughter didn’t need a lecture. She didn’t need me to see her and walk away. She didn’t need tough love in the moment. She needed me to sit with her long enough for her to figure out what needed to happen. She needed my presence, not my fixing.

Eventually, my daughter told me to loop the rope around the horse’s neck, and together we walked the horse to another stall. She was fully capable of figuring out what needed to happen next.  My empathy and presence allowed her to do what she needed to do. My empathy was tonic to her.

Real Emotions

In parenting, it is so easy to lack empathy. It’s easy to show up with quick fixes. Trust me, in a house full of girls there are a lot of tears over the silliest things. Hearing a girl cry is like the old fable about the boy who cried wolf. I’m nearly numb to the tears.

But despite our more realistic assessment of the situation, our kids are real humans with real emotions experiencing real things. Just like we do.

Have you ever put yourself in their shoes?

In Their Shoes

When was the last time you felt afraid?
When was the last time you felt unsure of yourself?
When was the last time you felt anxious about something?

Those feelings are all normal, yet we often dismiss them in our kids. We want to skirt them and push past them. We tell them to just get over it. Taking the time to pull up a chair and sit with them feels unnecessary and time consuming.

Even if I am not afraid of the same things, I know what fear feels like. I know what anxiety and stress feel like.

And when I feel afraid, how do I want people to react towards me?

Do I want judgment?
Do I want someone to patronize me?
Do I want to feel shame?
Do I want someone to yell at me?

No. I want someone to sit there with me. Maybe even in silence. I need time and space to work through the emotion. I need someone to say, “I know.” “I get it.” “I’ve been there.” “Me too.”

And my kids need the same thing. I don’t have to solve the problem. I need to sit with them long enough for them to move through whatever it is.  They need my presence. They need my comfort. They need my understanding.

Empathy is tonic.

When we choose to respond with empathy, it is a balm for our kids. No fixes, solutions. Just empathy.

5 Things to Know About Dads of Daughters

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Raising a daughter is one of the scariest endeavors I’ve ever faced. Once we got past the toddler phase with our son, I had a fairly good idea of what to do; we played catch, we talked about sports and we laughed at body noises. I made my share of mistakes raising our son, but I was at least on familiar ground.

When our daughter came along, that completely changed. We also played catch, talked about sports and laughed at body noises, at least when she was young, but there were so many more layers to our relationship. When my son did something dumb I could just say: “Dude, don’t ever do that again. Got it?” and it was settled. With my daughter, that simple sentence led to incredible levels of angst and emotion. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for my daughter, but there were so many things I didn’t understand, and I know I baffled her as well. 

My daughter is grown now and living on her own. We have a great relationship, but I often wish I could go back and try again to be a better father. There are so many things I wish she understood about how I felt as her dad, but I didn’t have the words. I can’t go back, but I can pass on a few things I know most dads wish their daughters knew about them.

Dads will always see their daughter as their little girl.

My daughter is a beautiful young woman living halfway across the country. She has an apartment, a career, and a boyfriend. But to me, she is still that talented little girl rollerblading in our driveway. Even though she is all grown up and capable of taking care of herself, she is still daddy’s little girl. But that perspective can inadvertently present itself as not seeing her for the talented adult that she is. In my words and actions, I need to remind myself (and her) that I am proud of the capable adult she is becoming.

Read more: Secrets for Dads from a Daughter

Dads have a God-given instinct to protect.

Every healthy father has a deep desire to protect his little girl from harm. It’s not because he doesn’t think she can take care of herself, or that he thinks girls are less capable than boys. When dads insist on more background checks than the CIA on a potential boyfriend, he is simply responding to the ingrained need to protect his daughter from harm. Our daughters think it’s a pain, but it’s what we do. It’s in our job description. As dads, we need to remind ourselves that this can look like we trust our sons more, or that girls can’t manage themselves. It can help to talk to our daughters about our dad instincts within the context of how much we cherish them.

Dads want a window into their daughter’s world.

When my daughter was young, we talked all the time. We talked about sports and music and Spongebob Squarepants. As she moved into the teen years, however, it became harder and harder to find common ground. Eventually, she felt like I was prying and snooping more than just trying to talk. While there was some snooping going on (see the point above), mostly I just wanted to know what she liked, what she cared about, and what she thought. It means the world to a dad when he gets a peek into his daughter’s world. I have found that asking open-ended questions about her likes, dislikes, and inviting her to share her feelings about them—versus asking what she is doing and why—opens that window without putting her on the defensive.

Dads often don’t understand how daughters feel.

I am sure dads seem completely clueless to their daughters, and often it’s because they are. Girls process experiences through a completely different lens than boys, so dads often have no map for the world of emotions. We aren’t being insensitive or uncaring, we honestly have no idea what our daughters are feeling. Expecting a dad to intuitively know how they feel is like asking a blind man to understand color. Dad wants to understand, but he needs help. Here’s where opening your eyes and ears (while keeping your mouth mostly shut) can be helpful. Notice her body language and the look on her face while she is talking. Be honest and tell her when you don’t understand, and invite her to help you get there. Don’t feel like you have to fix whatever is wrong even though you will desperately want to.

Dads want their daughters to be happy and successful when they grow up.

A dad thinks all the time about what his daughter’s life will be like when she leaves the house. He worries that the decisions made now will have a negative impact down the road. He knows that the wrong friends, the wrong activities and the wrong experiences can have consequences for the rest of their life. He doesn’t mean to ruin his daughter’s life now, but he wants her future to be amazing. But this can come across as, “Dad never wants me to have fun.” So invite your daughter to share what she’s dreaming about for her life, try to suspend judgement, and listen. Look her right in the eye, and tell her she’s beautiful and talented and the daughter you’ve always dreamed of.

Things to Consider

1. Have you taken the time to tell your daughter how you feel about her? For some dads, this much emotion can feel uncomfortable and you might struggle with the right words. Consider writing your daughter a letter or a note that she can keep for years to come.

2. Consider sharing one or more of the points above with your daughter that especially rings true with you. Helping her to understand your role as her dad can open up great conversation.

3 Things Your Daughter Wants from You

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

When birthdays and Christmas roll around, my wife is much better than I am at getting meaningful gifts for our daughters. Why? Because she’s better informed about their hearts and their dreams than I often am. And she’s so good at translating that information into gifts that reflect an intimate knowledge of each of our daughters. But what a daughter needs from her dad is different.

Daughters need more than just “perfect” birthday and Christmas gifts. Year-round, they want evidence of their dad’s presence and love. Using my knowledge of them, like the knowledge my wife uses to find treasured presents for them, I can give my girls what they need—3 things every daughter needs from her dad.

1. She needs to know her dad sees and knows her.

“Our daughters notice when we don’t notice them.”

Our daughters notice when we don’t notice them. Just being with them (or more accurately, “near them”) isn’t enough. If we are not engaging in eye-to-eye contact and noticing them in the regular and the spectacular moments of life, they will feel increasingly unimportant to you. They’ll feel lost in the background. They notice when we’re not listening. For our daughters, being seen and known is part of being cherished.

2. She needs to know her dad believes in her.

This is more than just telling her you believe in her. We need to put our words into action. We need to show our young girls that we believe enough in their raw talent that we are willing to make sacrifices so they can grow and that we are willing to invest in the tools that’ll make that possible. That is how we show our belief in our daughters. That is the evidence they need to be certain of this.

3. She needs to know her dad accepts her just as she is.

Your daughter isn’t always going to feel lovable and awesome. I have been learning through the years to balance adding fuel to the fires of my daughters’ dreams with reinforcing my unconditional love and acceptance of them just as they are today. If she exasperates me, if she ignores me, if she pushes against my values or rules or hard-earned life wisdom, I reassure her, every day if  I can, that I still accept her unconditionally, just as she is.

Earn some points: Are you married? Help your wife’s relationship with your daughter by sharing this iMOM article with your wife: 5 Ways to Build a Strong Mom-Daughter Bond.