5 Quick Ways to Help Your Kid Finish the School Year

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I recently wrote a book called, “Finish, Give Yourself the Gift of Done.”

One of the things that inspired me to write it was how difficult it is to actually finish goals.

According to a study by the University of Scranton, 92% of all New Year’s Resolutions fail.

That statistic bothered me. I was tired of leaving goals in my own life half done and tired of seeing friends give up on once meaningful hopes.

I commissioned a research study with a Ph.D. named Mike Peasley. He and I studied nearly 900 people as they worked on goals for six months. We wanted to learn what it really took to finish something that matters.

Do you know what matters to you and your kid right now? Getting to the finish line of the school year. May and June are the busiest/slowest months ever. You have more to do than ever before but less motivation to do it. It’s a terrible combination.

How can you help your kid finish the school year? Here are five quick ways:

1. Paint a clear picture of the end.

Runners never stop running when they can see the finish line. The problem is that sometimes the summer feels far away when you’re in the midst of final projects and tests. Do your best to help your kid see what they are working toward. Celebrate the summer you’re headed to as a way to amplify some motivation. (At Parent Cue, we call that, “Imagining the End.”)

2. Share a time you persevered.

Kids sometimes feel like they’re the only ones who have to push through difficult things like the last month of school. Let them know they’re not alone. Share a story from your own childhood or even a tale about a work project you had to knock out despite not being very motivated.

3. Make it fun.

Don’t wait until the summer to add some fun to their goals. A big, final finish line is awesome, but so are some small finish lines along the way. Head out for ice cream when the science project is finished. Catch the latest Marvel movie after a final school recital. Build in small wins in the weeks leading up to the last day of school.

4. Break the work into smaller pieces.

Small wins are great and so are small goals. A final paper might be overwhelming, especially if the deadline is looming. Do your best to help your kid break that big project into something manageable. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was a perfectly scaled coat hanger model of the solar system.

5. Remind them of a time they won in the past.

When kids are stressed about the end of school, they often forget every other time they’ve worked hard to complete a goal. Sometimes, just reminding them of a time they’ve won before can provide a bit of boost. Remind them of last year’s final projects that turned out great. Encourage them to remember a little league practice that was difficult, but bested. Chances are, this isn’t the first bit of adversity they’ve faced. Get them to take a quick look at the past to generate a bit of hope for the present.

My oldest daughter just turned in the “bottle project,” a massive geometry assignment she’s been working on for weeks.

It wasn’t easy, but by breaking it up in chunks and focusing on how stress-free she’d be after finishing it, she was able to stay motivated.

Your kid can too if you’ll give this five quick tips a try.

Hope Boomerangs Back

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“Pray for others that you may be healed,” (James 5:16). These words wouldn’t leave me alone. I really needed some encouragement––a prayer, a note, anything. From somebody. From an “other.” Six months into my Josiah’s autism diagnosis, I was enticed by waves of despair.

I needed someone to listen, to ask about “it,” but more importantly, to really understand. But my usual support system was eerily silent and I felt like we had been relocated to the Island of Misfit Toys. I put on my smile every day, but I was a wreck inside and dismayed that few seemed to pick up on my need.

Life continued to go on all around me—but now our life as we knew it was horribly distorted, disfigured, undone. For the first time, even God seemed distant when I needed Him to be close. I wasn’t so sure He could be trusted with that which I held most dear.

I didn’t have a grid for dealing with an autism declaration paired with repeated blows—“cause unknown, cure unknown, lifelong.” I looked at my beautiful, curly headed two-year-old boy and tried to peer into his foggy future. He had been progressing normally and then just stopped mysteriously, and over a fateful three weeks lost skills and retreated into himself. Society told me to learn to cope. God told me never to give up hope. These two options created an odd emotional and spiritual friction.

It’s now four years since my son was diagnosed with autism. He still doesn’t have functional speech and works very hard to play and learn, but he releases more joy than anyone I know. I’ve learned from him about the power of releasing, and know he will fulfill a powerful destiny.

Something changed in me the day that I took the phrase, “Pray for others that you may be healed,” and started practicing a new way of releasing. I looked for people to pray for. I became observant.

I decided I would stop and pray right then for people who were hurting. I would listen for the tone of their voices when they said they were “fine,” and see if there was more behind their “fine.” When I intentionally gave away the very thing that I needed myself, I was being healed. And the hope and encouragement I needed generously boomeranged back from unexpected places.

This article was originally posted April 13, 2012. A year after this article, Tahni Cullen’s life spun into supernatural mode when at seven years old, her nonverbal autistic son, Josiah, who had never been traditionally taught to read or write, suddenly typed his first independent sentence on an iPad: God is a good gift giver.

As told in her book,Josiah’s Fire, God unlocked Josiah’s spiritual senses to the deep joys of heaven—renewing their hope, joy, and excitement for God’s Word, power, and presence. Josiah’s gems on their Josiah’s Fire Facebook page delight people from around the world with his wise, thought-provoking insights.

When You Need More Hope

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“It’s going to be okay,” I promised my wailing 4-year-old. Tell yourself, “It’s going to be okay.”

He finally took a deep breath and shakily repeated, “It’s going to be okay.”

Why was his world falling apart?

Because I’d taken some of the extra shredded cheese off his plate and put it on his younger brother’s plate.

My 4-year-old is a planner with a high sense of justice. From the time he could talk, he would stand up in his crib and demand to know what we were doing that day, and in what order.

The problem is, life rarely bows to our planning efforts.

You grab a cookie—then discover you have to eat your carrots first.
You’re going to have the best birthday party ever—but then you get stomach flu.
You practice really hard to make the soccer team—but don’t make the cut.
You get into your dream college — and have to say no, because it’s too expensive.
There’s mold in the walls of your newly-bought condo.
Your engagement busts up.
It takes years to get pregnant.
You find a lump.

Things fall apart. The world starts to look dark.

Frankly, it’s often as hard for me as it is for my preschooler. Sometimes I’m tempted to dwell in hopelessness. But while there’s a place for sadness and disappointment—even grieving—we can be assured knowing there’s a bigger picture at play:

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)

As a parent, you can see the bigger picture for your child’s busted lip or that situation with the mean kid at school; you encourage your child to trust you that it will be okay. And God longs for us to do the same. He sees the big picture with the broken relationship and lost job and chronic back pain.

He says, “I see you. I’ve got you. Trust me with your story. In the end, it’s going to be okay.”

This does not belittle your current issues or your child’s problem—but it does mean that you don’t have to stay there. It means you can have HOPE that things will get better, and you can teach your child to have hope, too—no matter how big or small the problems they face. (Keep in mind that what seems small to you is a huge deal to your child.)

This means two things :

1. Hope is a muscle you can work.

It’s a learned ability to see a bigger picture. Life experience helps us look back and see it better from where we are standing now. Practice looking for the good that has come from the bad, and find hope for the future. And when your child hits a moment or season of despair, you can help them rehearse the things they’ve faced before. The skinned knee that got better. How they finally mastered reading, even though it was so frustrating for so long. How they made new friends, even after the big move.

2. Hope is a gift.

As Paul encourages us:

May the God who gives hope fill you with great joy. May you have perfect peace as you trust in him. May the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope. (Romans 15:13)

When you need hope, ask for it. When your child needs hope, sit down and pray together that God will fill you both with His joy and the belief that He is at work, even when you can’t see it.

Hope can hold your moment-by-moment together when the big things fall apart. And it can do the same for your child… even when his precise dinner plan goes off menu.

Fortnite Facts and Figures

* The following article was copied from www.ministrytoparents.com.

As every parent in 2019 knows, Fortnite is a household name and game.

This multi-platform (PC, Xbox, PlayStation 4, Nintendo, and mobile) and cross-platform (playable for with others on different platforms) game is sweeping not only the nation but the world!

Winners of the 2018 Gaming Awards, Best On-Going Game, and Best Multiplayer Game, this video game is making its way into homes, stores, and screens all over.

Fortnite launched in July of 2017 and has only been picking up steam and momentum.

For example, Fortnite’s creators, Epic Games, posted in June of 2018 that there were 125 million players worldwide and in just five months that number rose to 200 million players as of November of 2018, according to Bloomberg.

These numbers suggest that most families have a Fortnite player they are raising.

Now, let’s focus on the facts and figures of Fortnite and understanding how as a parent you can be informed about the good, the bad, and the ugly of Fortnite.

FORTNITE BRINGS IN THE V-BUCKS

Well, they make more than the in-game currency “V-Bucks”; they are making dollar bills.

Most currently, Epic Games is reporting to make $300 million a month on Fortnite sales.

Fortnite is a free game, but it is the “in-game purchases” that are bringing in so much profit.

A survey of 1,000 Fortnite players reported the following on spending habits within the game:

• 68.8% spend money on Fortnite

• Of those that spend, they spend $85 on average

Here is where the money goes:

• 58.9% on Skins (characters/outfits)

• 18% on Gliders

• 13.5% on Harvesting Tool

• 9.5% on Emotes (dances)

How much time do they spend playing?

• Players spend an average of 8-10hrs per week playing.

• 25.3% of Fortnite players pay for a twitch.tv subscription to watch other people play Fortnite.

Let’s break a few of these things down to put into perspective.

First, these “in-game” purchases are only for appearance sake and give the player no advantage in winning the game.

Yes, all the skins, gliders, emotes, etc. do nothing to help them in the game. This is a difficult concept for older generations to grasp, but for Gen Z these are just as important as winning.

A student’s social status around the game thrives on two things, wins and skins. (Squad wins do not count in this social currency).

When students talk about Fortnite or even play together, they are looking for someone to be envious of their characters “skin” or emote.

It is purely a pride thing for these students. If they can’t impress people with how many wins, then they think, “I’m going to look good playing it.”

For those parents who do not see how the currency exchange happens from US dollars to V-Bucks here is a breakdown:

• $10.00 equals 1,000 V-Bucks

• Most Legendary Skins or Gliders will cost 3,000 V-Bucks

• Epic Skins or Gliders will cost 2,500 V-Bucks.

These are significant purchases happening within a free game.

The second thing to draw attention to is that 25.3% of Fortnite players are paying another service, twitch.tv, to watch other people play the game.

If you are unfamiliar, there are two primary places that you can watch professional and amateur video game players, twitch.tv and YouTube.

Both of these sites allow content providers (gamers) to easily stream LIVE or upload content to share with their audience. twitch.tv allows users to pay a monthly subscription to view any and all of its site’s content.

However, Twitch’s content is mostly Fortnite streamers.

As of June 2018, 49% of Twitch’s content was solely Fortnite.

From the novice and casual gamer, like myself, to the paid and sponsored professional, anyone and everyone who wants to stream the game can.

This brings a new concept to parenting that has not been much of a concern until late – the touchable celebrity. For older generations celebrities from tv and film were untouchable.

I, of course, mean that the viewer never really had a way to interact or connect with them on an on-going basis. Letter writing, fan pages/groups, or going to New York or Hollywood were the only ways to possibly connect with these superstars.

However, since these gaming celebrities are connecting to people through these social media mediums, fans can connect and interact like never before. Following or subscribing to one of these gamers allows you to chat with them and other fans while they play.

Imagine being able to chat with your favorite running back on the sideline after an amazing play or share your feelings about a home run right after it happens.

I use this illustration of an athlete because gaming or eSports is a growing trend and considered by many as an actual sport.

If you don’t think that gaming is a professional sport, you’ll have to take that up to ESPN, who featured Tyler “ninja” Blevins (the most popular Fortnite gamer) on the cover of their magazine on Sept 21st, 2018.

FORTNITE IS PROFESSIONAL

As a parent, you may see your student or hear your student playing this game and think it’s purely a game. However, to them and many others, they may see this as a profession.

Since this game is so easily shared and streamed, Fortnite is a money maker for people who are great at the game or just entertaining to watch.

When it comes to “YouTubers” or “Streamers,” students are not always looking for someone who is fantastic but just entertaining. Students are watching this content more than many popular tv series or Netflix specials.

According to Armchair All Americans, these are the top 5 most popular Fortnite players in the world.

1. Ninja – 12.8 million Twitch subscribers

2. FaZe Tfue – 4.1 million Twitch subscribers

3. TSM Myth – 4.6 million Twitch subscribers

4. TSM Hamlinz – 1.5 million Twitch subscribers

5. FaZe Jaomock – 210,631 Twitch subscribers

Notice that the number of subscribers on Twitch varies. This is evidence of their entertainment value more than win value.

Four of these gamers (2-5) all have a “clan tag” before their name. This means that they play for a specific group, clan, or team and other professional sports teams often own these teams.

For example, “Clutch Gaming” is an eSports team that is owned by the NBA Team, The Houston Rockets.

The professional attention is drawing students in more and more of the possibility to play professionally.

This future possibility grows brighter when Universities and Colleges offer eSport programs and competitive varsity teams on the Division I level – schools such as the University of Oklahoma, University of North Texas, Ohio State University, Boise State University, and many others. Students may be rookies at home but learn to be professionals in school.

In 2019, Fortnite will join the list of eSport Competitive games that will be played on the national and global scale.

Epic Games, Fortnite’s creators, are putting up 100 million in prize money as this game enters the eSports arena. This will be the most substantial prize money offered in eSport competitions to-date.

FORGET FORTNITE

So where do we go from here?

I believe that Fortnite is not a game or even a season in your student’s life that you, as the parent, can bury your head in the sand until it passes; you would be there too long! Instead, we need to lean into it with our student.

Here are a few things that can brighten this picture for any parent.

1. Commitment isn’t lacking.

As a parent, you can look at the amount of time they are spending on Fortnite as an addiction, or you can see it as commitment.

Commitment is a concept that we want our students to grasp — a commitment to the right friends, school-work, their relationship with Jesus, etc. So, as you talk to your student about the game and the time they spend point them to what this type of commitment may look like in other areas of their life.

We want them passionate and committed to the right things and showing them what commitment looks like through this game may help them see what it takes in other areas.

2. They are building more than Forts.

As your student plays this game, they are learning to play with others. It seems a bit silly, but they are playing with others (whether they know them or not), and they have to act and react either positively or negatively to what they do.

Sounds a bit like real-life right?

It may seem strange, but they are learning to interact with others with different worldviews, cultures, and languages.

Spend time with them, watching them play, and discuss the choices and actions they make to have teachable moments with them.

3. Don’t be a noob.

A noob, someone who is just beginning a game or activity, is not what you should be as a parent.

Grab a controller and learn to play. It is clearly a game that, statistically speaking, your student will not mind watching you play, and it will connect the two of you better around this topic.

Meeting our students where they are is just as important in the digital field of play as the real-life field of play is. Your student may not want to throw a football with you but would love watching you play a video game.

Soak up these moments and jump in the game!

Loving Teens with the Gospel

Pastor Drew Hill invites parents to see their teens through the lens of the gospel. Letting teens know how much God loves them is a great place to start. Hill believes teens run toward things that bring them comfort and affirmation. Hill encourages parents to ask good questions, like Jesus did, rather than always issue a command.

Click here to listen to the podcast.

What Do You Want Your Kids to Remember Most About Easter?

The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

We moved into a new house about six months ago, which means we’ve been unpacking boxes for oh … about six months. The unmarked boxes are my favorite because it’s like Christmas wondering what will be inside when we open them. Now that we’re finally feeling more settled on the inside of the house, my husband and I decided it was time to address the outside this past weekend. As he headed off with his chainsaw to tackle the dense wooded areas, I went to the garage to look for something to put weeds in as I pulled them. I glanced around the garage and my eyes quickly landed on the perfect bucket, three of them, in fact. They were my kids’ Easter baskets stacked in the corner: a blue one, a white one, and a pink one. (Not sure why they ended up there when we moved, but there they were.)

Now, just in case you’re envisioning beautifully woven wicker Easter baskets—don’t. These are just plastic pails with a handle and some sort of Easter décor stamped on the outside. I bought them super cheap at the grocery store when my kids were very young and wrote their names on them with a Sharpie. (That’s as close as I’ll ever get to monogramming anything.) I grabbed the white bucket without thinking much about it and off I went to pull weeds.

It was about my third bucket of weeds that I sat back and looked at my son’s name written across his Easter pail. I let my mind go back to family egg hunts and Sunday dinners, the huge egg dashes at the church, early mornings digging through goodies, new, brightly colored outfits, lining the kids up to take their picture… so many sweet, sweet memories.

Then I thought about what Easter Sunday will look like this year, now that my son will be 20 next month, followed by sisters of 18 and 15. I’ll still fill their pails with goodies (after I wash away the weeds, of course), but my son will be at his church, in his college town of Athens, Georgia, where he leads a high school small group. My girls’ Easter outfits will have been replaced with t-shirts representing the environments where they serve at our church. A lazy afternoon, picnicking on the bank of the lake is more our speed now rather than an egg hunt and a big dinner.

Many traditions have come and gone, but one thing—the most important thing—remains …

The true story of Easter.

While there will be no egg hunt or frilly dresses in our home this year, it will still be Easter because there will be the story.

The story of how the Son of God became a man,
a friend,
a teacher,
a healer,
a sacrifice,
all so we can know God and be with Him forever.

As I sat and looked at that bucket filled with weeds, I said a thank you to God for all the memories and for helping us focus on what mattered most: the one thing that we wanted our kids to carry in their hearts forever.

Jesus is God’s Son.
He loved.
He died.
He lives.

If you’re a parent of a young child, it may be hard to imagine an Easter without egg hunts and a house filled with family. I get it. I never imagined I’d be using my son’s Easter basket to hold weeds one day. But the day will come when your traditions will have slowly transitioned into new ways to celebrate, and you’ll be left with what you valued most over the years you had with your kids.

So what do you want your kids to remember most about Easter? If you choose for it to be God’s story of salvation, I promise you won’t feel the tiniest bit bad about there being weeds in their baskets because of the immense joy you’ll have knowing God’s story is in their heart.

6 Things Teens Say and How You Should Respond

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

Dealing with a moody adolescent and their hormones can challenge the best parents’ patience and wisdom. When your teen says something that makes you bristle, it’s all too easy to get drawn into an argument or a battle of wills rather than deal with what’s going on beneath the surface.

So instead of seeing each of these common teenage comments as a criticism or a challenge to your authority, try to view them as an opportunity to engage your angry teenager in conversation and help them grow.

[ctt template=”12″ link=”UN3dS” via=”no” ]Take the opportunity to engage your angry teenager in conversation and help them grow.[/ctt]

1. “It’s not fair.”

Sometimes a teen will say this as a tactic to get out of doing something like chores or homework. Other times they use it because they really believe that something really is unfair or unjust. Children often equate fairness with sameness or equality. For example, they might think because their 17-year-old brother has a curfew of 11 pm that they, a 14-year-old, should have the same curfew. So help them explore the issue at hand. Start by asking questions like why do you think you should have the same curfew as your older brother. Have you earned that right? Perhaps then share that their brother had an earlier curfew at their age.

2. “Everyone else is allowed to…”

First, you may want to clarify who they mean by “everyone,” and whether they know that for a fact. Ask whether you should check with their friends’ parents. Use this as an opportunity to discuss your values as a family and the different values and standards other families may have, and why. Share with them how much you love them and if you are not letting them do something, let them know that you are making this decision because you want what’s best for them.

3. “This sucks.”

This one makes me cringe and I can understand how a parent can engage in a battle with their teen when they hear it. However, a better way may be to ask their teen questions like, “So why do you feel that way?” “What would you suggest instead?” The key here is to get to their heart and understand why they are feeling that way.

4. “You can’t make me.”

Instead of getting into a verbal confrontation by responding with an, “Oh yes I can!” The better way would be to agree with them by saying, “You’re right, I can’t make you. It’s your choice; you have the freedom to choose.” Then go on to share that if they make the choice not to do it, there will be consequences. Those consequences may be a natural result of them not doing something or may be consequences imposed by you.

5. “Whatever.”

Typically this isn’t offered as an acceptance of what you say, rather it’s about dismissing what you say as irrelevant, closing down further discussion. That may be because their emotions are flooded. So ask them how they are feeling. Are they angry, frustrated, or disappointed? Then be sure to listen and ask follow-up questions.

6. “I hate you.”

Hurtful as this is to hear, bite your lip. Simply snapping back “Don’t ever talk to me like that again” is not going to help. It may make you feel better momentarily, but it will just shut them down and confirm all their beliefs about how unreasonable you are. Ask them what they hate and why? Assure them that it’s okay to have strong feelings, but they do need to be responsible and respectful in the way they handle and express them. And remind them that you love them no matter what.

In all of these exchanges, always be looking to really see things from your teens’ point of view. It could be that even though they are expressing themselves poorly, they have a point we need to hear. Here are 5 ways to help your teen learn to communicate better.

Above all, try to keep the communication channels open. Even a surly teen is better than a silent, simmering, or sullen one.

Asking For Forgiveness From My Kids ... Again

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

I yelled at my kids tonight.

It started before the mouthwash spilled all over the floor, my jeans, and my new shirt.

That I have an issue with anger and emotional control is not something I’ve kept secret. But it’s still painfully destructive in my own home: “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down” (Proverbs 14:1).

So when my blood pressure had returned to an appropriate range and I determined the mouthwash only minimally soaked my front, I called all of my kids to our little loveseat. Some of them crawled out of bed. They piled around me like puppies. And I took the time—again, like I have to do so often—to apologize to them and ask for forgiveness.

Then, I led us in praying and repenting to God. It was duly needed for all of us.

I thanked my kids for forgiving me—also not so bad a quality to practice—and ended with tickling them into screaming laughter.

As I backed out of their room in the dark later, I yowled in pain after stepping on an electrical plug someone had left in the doorway. My second son was quick on the draw: “Still love me?” He collapsed in giggles.

None of this, I’m afraid, undoes what I did.

I wish I could take away my eruptive lack of self-control, or the way I morphed instantly into a drill sergeant. I wish I could subtract what I modeled for my kids. But what still remained in my power were two words: “I’m sorry.”

THIS CONTENT WAS TAKEN FROM THE PARTICIPANT MANUAL FOR FAMILYLIFE'S ART OF PARENTING. 

Their sin doesn’t justify mine

A family that practices repentance keep short accounts with each other, apologizing quickly and sincerely. The point of apologizing to my kids even when they’re in trouble isn’t at all to detract them from their sin. They need to grow up with my willing confession as the norm, to give them the knowledge that Mom requires a Savior as much as they do. An awareness of the log in my eye—even when my children or spouse are the offenders—is biblically commanded (Matthew 7:1-5).

So take it a step further, even, than those two critical words. Deliberately ask for forgiveness, and then humbly and verbally extend forgiveness: “I want you to know that I completely forgive you, and that I believe God forgives you, too.”

I guess it can sound a little hokey when we’re not used to using such language in our homes, but that’s my point. Should it be?

Call me an idealist, but I’d like this replication of Christ’s words to become the norm, a chance to apply the gospel to myself and to my loved ones daily.

Three Words to Repeat When Your Child Moves Away From You

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

By Kara Powell and Steve Argue
Adapted from Growing With: Every Parent’s Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in their Family, Faith, and Future (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2019).

“But I don’t want to ride with you. I want to keep riding with my cousins.”

It was day three of my (Kara’s) extended family vacation, and two of our kids were happy to ride with me and my husband. But Krista tossed her beach backpack over her shoulder and stood six feet away from our car. With her arms crossed and her hazel eyes cool with determination, our 14-year-old bluntly told us that she liked riding with her cousins better.

My feelings would have hurt even if we had been home. But losing valuable family time during one of our few precious (and expensive!) vacation days was a slap in the face to my pride and my hopes for family warmth.

I had a 3-D picture in my mind of what our vacation was supposed to be like. Krista’s assertion of her independence—a normal and appropriate tendency for an eighth grader—was ripping that image into shreds.

If you’ve been a parent for long, you know what it means for your child to move away from you. Your child’s growth in independence is both normal and good for them. But it’s simultaneously painful and hard for you.

In our new book Growing With, we champion a goal of “withing” in family relationships, meaning that family members grow in supporting each other as our children grow more independent.

Whether it’s our third grader who no longer wants us to walk them to school, our seventh grader who no longer waves to us when we show up to practice, or our high school graduate who is physically moving out of the house, how can we parents continue to grow with our children even as they become more independent?

In those family moments that have the potential to pull us apart, we who want to grow with our kids are wise to heed psychologist Lisa Damour’s counsel for parents of girls—advice that we believe is relevant for parents and stepparents of sons and daughters alike:

Your daughter needs a wall to swim to, and she needs you to be a wall that can withstand her comings and goings. Some parents feel too hurt by their swimmers, take too personally their daughter’s rejections, and choose to make themselves unavailable to avoid going through it again. . . . But being unavailable comes at a cost. . . . Their daughters are left without a wall to swim to and must navigate choppy—and sometimes dangerous—waters all on their own.

Like all relationships, those with our maturing kids ebb and flow emotionally. As I found at the beach with Krista, sometimes when our independence-seeking child moves away from us, they don’t just let go and drift; they kick off the wall. And they kick hard. So hard that it hurts, leaving us feeling cracked, dented, and leaky. We love our children more than we ever dreamed possible, so when they turn their backs on us—whether for an hour-long car drive on vacation, or simply choosing to go to the mall with friends instead of us—the pain can be more than we can bear.

Motivated by either our anger or self-protection, it’s tempting to turn our backs on our kids when they turn their backs on us. Instead of being a wall for our kids to return to, we put up walls that keep them away.

In the midst of our trip to a coastal paradise, everything in me wanted to punish Krista.
To shame her into getting in the backseat.
Or take away her phone as a consequence for her attitude.
Or verbally lash out at her so she understood how she had hurt me.
Or ignore her and shower my attention on her brother, sister, and cousins. (That would really show her!)
Or all of the above.

I’m sure that in my disappointment, traces of all those so-called parenting strategies seeped into my interactions with Krista. But in the midst of my frustration, and even a few parental threats, I mentally repeated this withing mantra that I felt the Lord brought to mind: Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to. Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to.

Krista remained aloof for the next 24 hours. She rode in the car with my brother and his wife, not us. When I walked toward her, she picked up her phone and started texting a friend.

It took everything in me not to aggressively confront her or passively distance myself from her. Especially when I did the math on the daily cost of our vacation.

Be a wall. 

Be a wall she can come back to.

I became riveted on these three words: “Be a wall.”

With two days left on the trip, Krista did come back. I can’t point to why it happened. There was no breakthrough conversation. No heartfelt apology. No fantastic sunset walk along the beach that changed everything. Krista simply started to act like herself. Whatever thoughts and feelings had deepened the rift between us seemed to disappear. I’m so glad that during the four days Krista was distant from us, I didn’t say or do something that would create a permanent barrier between me and my teenager.

While Jesus is the ultimate “wall” we want our kids to cling to, during the ups and downs of our vacation all I could do was cling to this withing phrase: Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to. But that phrase gave me enough courage to continue to be available for Krista—asking her periodic questions, affirming her contributions to our extended family’s fun and conversations, and smiling in her direction—all of which were cues I hoped would prompt Krista to reach for me when she was ready.

And when she was ready, she indeed did reach for me. Repeating “Be a wall” to myself helped me be the stable force she needed, and helped me choose withing over drifting.

How to Communicate in a Way That Values Your Relationships

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcur.org.

I think it’s kind of fun that God puts families into a little box called a home—where they bump into each other daily for years on end—and tells them to love each other. Nice experiment.

It’s always amazed me that many of us have a tendency to communicate least graciously with the people who are closest to us. When you are in close quarters, small irritants often become large issues, and we end up speaking to our family in a way we would never communicate with anyone else. And who are we often most kind toward? Perfect strangers. Go figure.

How we communicate is as, or more important, than what we communicate. I’m not saying truth doesn’t matter (it does), but isn’t it true that sometimes you can say exactly the right thing in precisely the wrong way?

Ironically, when we do that, we often accomplish the opposite of what we intended. It strains the relationship and provokes resistance. Be honest, when someone tells you what to do in an ungracious way, doesn’t it make you want to do the opposite? And we wonder why our kids resist us.

One of the best things a parent can do is communicate in a way that gives the relationship value. Over the next few days, monitor not what you communicate, but how you communicate with your family.

In the meantime, think about what your biggest trigger is. In what ways do you struggle with communicating with each other at home?

For me, it’s often when things aren’t picked up, cleaned up, or in order. A little bomb goes off inside of me, and the shrapnel has a way of leaking out. I may be right in principle, but how I communicate it is all wrong. Thinking about how I want to respond in those moments before they happen helps me pause and respond in a better way.

But the truth remains that we’re going to get it wrong sometimes. We’re imperfect humans.

Fortunately, one of the best ways you can communicate you value the relationship in those moments is to be ready and armed with some of the most powerful relationship-building words you could say: “I’m sorry.”

A Day in the Life of a Working Mom

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

5:37 a.m. The alarm sounds. Wipe the crust from my eyes and try to remind myself why a working mom like me is rolling out of bed while the house is still quiet. I could get at least another hour of good sleep.

5:51 Fill up my water bottle and head for the gym. I want my kids to know that moms are healthy, too. This is my “me time” for the day.

6:48 As I pull into the garage, a blonde-headed smiler peeks her head out of the kitchen door.  “Momma,” she squeals and darts out dragging her blanket across the garage debris. That’s okay because we’ll wash it … well never. My four-year-old can’t live without it, so I’ll just shake off the dried spider and call it good.

6:49  Kiss my husband good morning. Add an extra hug because he has coffee brewing. Then kiss him goodbye as he heads to work for the day.

7:03 Nod along while brushing my teeth to my six-year-old’s telling of Polly Pocket borrows Barbie’s car to take her baby sister to the zoo to see T-Rex and meet a firefighter buying a snow cone.

7:53 How is it almost 8?! Seven minutes to throw on a wrinkled shirt I left in the dryer too long. I pair it with wedges and cute earrings, hoping that will look like I tried for work today.

7:59 With a mouthful of granola bar breakfast, I welcome the nanny. After describing how to drop the girls off for vacation Bible school, I leave $20 for her to take the girls to lunch. Kiss and squeeze two girls who I’ll miss all day long. Still nightgowned, they wave and blow me kisses from the garage step.

At the office

8:05 Coffee. Wait where’s my coffee? Check my Google calendar. I note that my first meeting doesn’t start till 8:30, so I drive through Starbucks on the way to the office.

8:12 The barista knows me by my drive-through voice. He asks if I have the girls or not. What he means is, “Do you need two cookies straws with your iced coffee?” “It’s a workday,” I remind him.

8:32 Slip into the last open seat at my meeting. Pull out my laptop from my purse and drag a stray Elsa sock and old sucker with it. My coworkers laugh knowingly. At least one of them is a working mom, too.

11:23 Text my friend to confirm lunch plans. In clinical talk, she’s helping me sort through my daughter’s sensory sensitivities. Mom talk means she’s helping me keep it together when my daughter completely melts down because her sock is too itchy and her ponytail feels too tight for the millionth morning in a row. Phew! Thankful to be in this together.

11:48 Text the nanny to be see how VBS went. Ogle over the cute pictures she sends me of my kids and marvel with my lunch date how socks never seem to itch when my daughter is with anyone else. Lucky for them. And me, too, because I need to keep a good nanny!

2:30 Soaking up the quiet desk hours while I can. Quiet time is hard to come by for a woman in demand at work and at home.

What’s for dinner?

4:33 p.m. Start wondering what we’ll have for dinner. I have no idea if I remembered to thaw the chicken. Pack up my computer to head for home.

4:52 Tackled welcome by swimsuited little girls who’ve been running through the backyard sprinkler. See? We have the best nanny! But those girls are hungry! So what am I making for dinner?

5:07 Scoot two chairs over to the kitchen counter for my chefs in training. One cracks eggs into a bowl. One lines biscuits onto the baking pan. “But biscuits are for breakfast,” she suggests. “Not tonight, sweetie. We’re making breakfast for dinner.” Her eyes grow wide with excitement. I love how the little things are such a delight to them. Instead of a dinner fail, they see it as dinner treat.

5:28 The girls’ ears detect the faintest sound of a Jeep turning onto our road. “DADDY!!!” they yell and rush to the window. They tackle him welcome too and brag about eggs and hash browns for a surprise.

5:35 Eight hands lock together around the table. We give thanks for each other and the plates in front of us. The youngest ends with her rote recitation: “God is great. God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. Amen.”  My husband winks at me with a swig of orange juice on his lips. “I saw the chicken in the freezer this morning,” he says, “But I had my heart set on eggs for dinner, too.”

Bedtime prayers

7:18 Shower time. The girls argue over who starts the water, who rinses her hair first, who squirts the conditioner, who gets to turn the water off, and who gets to brush the baby doll’s hair.

7:28 We coax two clean, bickering girls from the shower. Dress them in PJs and pour cups of bedtime milk.

7:43 Four of us snuggle into our oldest’s full-size bed for three Bible stories and bedtime prayers. Each girl requests that I say a special prayer for her sister. One for the sister’s skinned knee. Another for the sister’s upcoming spelling test. I add on a prayer that they’ll both sleep through the night and a sincere thank you for the daily motherhood privilege that belongs to me.

8:20 Kitchen clean up time while the husband and I unhash our days. Settle on the couch to watch a rerun of Fixer Upper or Master Chef.

9:50 Spread out blanket pallets on the floor for our nighttime sleepwalkers. Together thank God for today and ask Him for the faith for tomorrow so we can live up another regular day with gratitude and courage.

The days are tiring but they’re worth it. Making memories, teaching our children, passing on our faith to the next generation, is what our moments are made of. In the midst of each busy second, I try to focus on fully living in every single one.

How To Be An Intentional Parent With Your Words

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Excerpted from Intentional Parenting, by Doug and Cathy Fields

Whoever made up the saying “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” was an idiot. Words are powerful and memorable. We remember words that are pointed and positive. We also remember words that are sharp and negative.The human brain processes physical and emotional pain in a similar way. This means that negative words can literally hurt and cause pain because our brains perceive little difference. Just as physical wounds leave scars, so do the emotional wounds caused by the misuse of words. This is consistent with what the Scriptures say:

“Thoughtless words cut deeply like a thrusting sword, but the speech of the wise is a healing balm.” (Proverbs 12:18, The Voice)

When it comes to your words, are you reacting in the moment and saying the first thing that pops into your head, or are you choosing words that are helpful and healing?Intentional parents understand that words are powerful, and that their choice of words can either build confidence in their children or destroy their hope.

This doesn’t mean that your words can’t ever be direct or negative. There are times when parents need to use words that are directive, instructional, and necessary. But if you find yourself always repeating the same directive, if you are constantly “on their case,” you may be conditioning your children to avoid you. Just like you, kids would rather be with people who enjoy, encourage, and speak kindly to them. Intentional parents need to ask constantly, “What is the most encouraging way to say this?”

One simple thing you can do is make a plan or script for situations you know will arise. Think through how you will respond with respect to your child when:

• He is late getting ready for school.
• The cleanliness of her room doesn’t meet your standards.
• You have asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Start by asking yourself: In each of these situations that could cause frustration, how could a careful choice of words on my part change the outcome of the situation?What would need to change within me to be a parent who uses positive words?

Using words that are positive and life-giving will require some practice. You may need to develop a new vocabulary as well as some new coping skills for when you’re frustrated and angry. As difficult as this might be, your positive words will result in positive impact. Because your words are way too powerful to not give them considerable thought.

WANT MORE?
For practical ideas on becoming an intentional parent, rather than relying on the quick fix, check out Intentional Parenting: 10 Ways to be an Exceptional Parent in a Quick-Fix World by Doug and Cathy Fields.

Nothing Will Change How Much I Love You

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Before becoming a parent I thought I would do best with having a teenager right off the bat. If I could skip the sleep deprivation and toddler tantrum-ing and bedwetting, I’d be good. I wanted to get right to the place where I could have a conversation and reason with my offspring. Because how do you reason with a child who wants to eat soap? Basically I was just holding out for the older years when we could be peers and friends and enjoy each other’s company without fear of a temper tantrum in the middle of Target.

That’s what I thought before kids. But now that I have them, I’m learning as they grow more and more independent and self-sufficient, how much is at stake when it comes to their decision-making. When you have a baby who bites, it’s unfortunate, but it’s also developmentally not that strange and maybe giving them a teething toy will satisfy the urge currently being met by chomping down on their big brother’s arm. Easy enough. It feels big and important at the time, but really, we can handle this.

Before having actual teenagers, teenagers seemed great. But now, as my kids are inching closer and closer to adolescence, there’s the tiniest bit of fear. What happens when your kid hits adolescence and is caught lying repeatedly, or sneaking out, or cheating on tests, or with a porn habit you feel ill just thinking about? Suddenly, a biting problem is an issue you would trade the world for, and the task of talking through consequences and decision making in light of these newly discovered facts about your preteen or teenager feels overwhelming and you feel under qualified.

Rightfully so. It’s terrifying. And fear, whether it’s in parenting or somewhere else, leads to reactive decisions. We do things in effort to self protect. We don’t think long term, we think right now, “What do I have to do to get back to normal as quickly as possible?” We ignore the problem in hopes it will go away or we over react thinking an extreme consequence will scare the bad behavior out of them. And it might. But that’s not all it will do. It might just scare your child away from you.

The thing about parenting is, you’re often managing the tension between trying to make your child into the best human they can possibly be, and wanting to preserve your relationship and influence in that relationship as best you can.Sometimes these two things work well together, but sometimes they don’t. And sometimes we have to make the decision over which takes precedence when they feel at odds.

So the question we have to ask ourselves is: Are we going to get really good at effectively punishing a bad behavior, or are we going to get really good at letting our kids know nothing they do will compromise our relationship with them? Because the older our kids get and the more their bad decisions cost them and cost the family, the more tempting it will be to parent the bad out of them, while also parenting them out of relationship with us.

Our kids will make mistakes. Our teenagers will make bigger ones. Costly ones. Embarrassing ones (to them and to us). And that doesn’t mean we don’t talk to them and have consequences when they get it wrong. But when the consequence for a bad decision—that goes against our conscience in behavior or identity or relationship—is withholding love and relationship and connection, we are more than doing parenting wrong. We are doing Christianity wrong.

God would never ask us to parent in a way that permanently severs the relationships with our kids. How do I know? Because God doesn’t parent that way. If nothing can separate us from the love of our Heavenly Father, than we ought to take a cue from Him and make sure nothing can separate our kids from the love of their earthly parents.

No underage drinking.
No bad relationships.
No sexual choices.
No drug possession.
No internet history.
No late night arrest.

Nothing.

God leaves a way back. So we should too. God leaves the door open. So we should too. God runs breakneck speed down a dirt road to welcome us home. So we should too.

Parenting is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. The weight of responsibility is paralyzing. The big world we are preparing to release our kids to, jarring. And there is so very little I actually have control over in the grand scheme of things and how their lives play out. Except one thing. One very important thing: Whether my kids will go to bed at night certain that they can never misbehave their way out of relationship with me.

If they know that, they know enough. We’ll deal with the fact that my oldest gave my youngest a black eye in a “pillow fight” soon enough. We’ll conquer my youngest’s maddening tendency to make excuses for every bad behavior he’s caught in, in good time. We’ll discuss fairness, and kindness, and sharing and believing the best, and everything else a seven and nine year old should know. We’ll get there. But first, this:

You belong here. You are loved here. And nothing changes that.

Do you kids know that? Do your teenagers? Do you believe it, but have a hard time saying it? Do you think it, but have a difficult time showing it? Start practicing now. Look your kids in the eye and tell them: even though you bit me, I’ll always love you. Even though you kicked and screamed your way through Publix, I love you. Even though you lied about that test, I love you. Even though the cops found that in your car, I love you. Even though, you’re dating him or dating her, I love you. Even though you are making choices I prayed you never would, experiencing consequences I wish you weren’t, I love you.

We can’t get all of parenting right. But we can get enough right when our kids know and believe this is true, and we parent them like it’s true. That’s where we can start.

How to Communicate with Your Teenage Son

* The following article was copied from www.blog.championtribes.org.

We all know that the teenage years can be a difficult season both for kids and their parents. It starts in middle school where kids begin a major life transition. They start to form their identity, their bodies start to change, and they begin asking bigger and more challenging questions of themselves and the world around them.

Later in high school and the later teenage years they begin to assert their own independence and wield the growing authority and ownership they have over their life.

During all of these stages, it is important to be effectively communicating with your teenager. To help you in that process here are 3 tips for effective communication with your teenager:

#1. Listen

While at times it may seem like your son or daughter doesn’t want to open up or share with you, by just listening carefully and not prying too much they often feel safe enough to reveal what is going on in their life. Sometimes the small offhand comments is your teen’s way of communicating what is going on with them.

#2 Show trust

Your teenager wants to be taken seriously. Consider ways to both tell your teen and show them that they are trustworthy. Asking him or her to do you a favor is a sign of trust. Telling them that you trust them can boost their confidence. Giving them an extra privilege can be a sign that you trust them to make good decisions. It can be hard to give away control, but oftentimes it is best for your child in the long run.

#3 Don’t downplay their feelings or emotions

It can be easy to downplay someone else’s feelings or emotions. Much harder to truly empathize. But most of the time when your teenager reveals something difficult to you all they are looking for is a space to vent. For example, after a breakup you might find yourself saying “She wasn’t right for you.” Maybe instead just try to empathize. “Wow, that is really difficult. I know that is something really hard to deal with. I am here for you.” For more tips on how to be a more empathetic parent and friend, be sure to check out our post on empathy.

How to Talk to Young People About Doubt

* The following article was copied from www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

I’ve been through 26 grades of school, including a Master’s of Divinity degree and a PhD in Practical Theology.

And my 12-year-old’s questions about God can stump me.

But I don’t feel bad about that. For one thing, if God could be fully understood and explained, God wouldn’t really be God. God would then be more of a “cool person.” For God to be God, there need to be aspects of his nature and actions that are inexplicable. 

Not only that, but it’s time to reframe young people’s questions and doubts not as challenges, but as opportunities. In both our Sticky Faith and Growing Young research, we found that feeling the freedom to express doubt was actually correlated with faith maturity. Put more simply, it’s not doubt that’s toxic to faith, it’s silence. 

Even if you and I can agree on both of those reasons to welcome young people’s doubts, that doesn’t mean we always know how to best respond. The way we respond to doubt sends a message about God. We’ve found that when leaders and parents tend to silence young people’s doubts, young people not only learn that their church and family can’t handle doubt; they think God can’t handle doubt either.

When leaders and parents tend to silence young people’s doubts, young people not only learn that their church and family can’t handle doubt; they think God can’t handle doubt either. 

God can handle all our doubts. And then some.

4 steps to better handling young people’s doubts

1. Memorize this phrase: “Great question. I don’t know, but …” 

Odds are good that sometime soon, a teenager or young adult is going to ask you a tough question about God that you can’t answer. Why would a loving God allow such suffering in the world? Why would God send people to hell? Isn’t it narrow to believe Jesus is the only way to God? 

For most of us, it’s hard to come up with a great answer on the spot to these sorts of questions. We need a placeholder. We need a way to affirm that young person’s curiosity and make sure the conversation continues in the future. So try saying something like …

“Great question. I don’t know, but how about if you and I get together for coffee next week and talk about it?”

“Great question. I don’t know, but I do know a scientist [therapist, engineer, artist, etc.] in our church who loves those types of questions. How about if the three of us grab lunch this week?”

In those adrenalin-filled moments when a young person asks a question that stumps us, we need a “go-to” phrase that honors the young person’s curiosity and sets the trajectory for the next conversation.

2. Preserve the relationship at all cost. 

As our young people gain their intellectual wings and become more abstract thinkers, they notice more of our world that doesn’t quite add up. That means they’re going to have new questions.

For teenagers and young adults who have grown up in the church, these new questions aren’t just “intellectual,” they are also relational. Internal challenges about faith often lead to internal concerns about their faith community. Will my faith community be able to handle my doubts? Will I still be welcomed, or will I be abandoned?

I long for the church to be the first place young people go with their tough questions about God. But they will only head in our direction if they know that we will not reject them—no matter what. So when you’re interacting with a young person who is doubting, go out of your way to show that you, and the community you are both part of, are not judging them, but journeying with them.

3. Connect young people with other resources. 

The good news is you don’t have to act solo. You can integrate the wisdom of others into your ongoing conversations with young people.

Maybe you invite a person you know who has asked the same types of questions and wrestled with Scripture to pin down answers to join your next conversation.

Perhaps you send an email to a researcher who has thought deeply about God’s role in the creation of our world or world events today.

Or maybe you seek out a book or online resource that can help your young person better navigate their question.

You don’t have to do this alone. So why would you want to?

4. Pay attention to your own doubt. 

Amazing spiritual leaders—ranging from Martin Luther in the sixteenth century to Mother Teresa in the last century—have had their own internal questions. What if doubt isn’t a sign of spiritual immaturity we need to suppress, but instead a sign of curiosity, growth, and exploration we can engage?

What if doubt isn’t a sign of spiritual immaturity we need to suppress, but instead a sign of curiosity, growth, and exploration we can engage? 

What do the doubts of a young person trigger in you? What questions about God distract you, or keep you up at night?

If appropriate, share your own doubts with teenagers and young adults. Your example of being an adult who doesn’t have faith despite doubt but has faith in the midst of doubt will give them hope for their own spiritual journey.

Middle School Phase Maps

Click here to see the middle school sections of the Phase Maps from Orange and justaphase.org.

Building a Healthy Family System - Listening and Communication

Seminar Recap
Building a Healthy Family System
LISTENING & COMMUNICATION
By Pat Nolan

Listening

As parents, some times we make things too complicated. In fact, listening seems so simple that it’s easy to gloss over it as a parental skill and favor more exciting things like teaching moments, fixing problems, or making sure our kids listen to us. Parents regularly talk about wanting “good communication” with their kids and kids actually do want to talk to their parents. So if listening is the foundation of good communication, then let’s keep it simple and start there.

Benefits of Listening

Listening will go far, not just in hearing the conversation, but can help fortify other areas of parenting too.

• We can gather information about a child’s life and what’s in their head

• Listening builds strong relationships

• Listening thoughtfully shows respect

• Shows them you care and that they matter

• It is always the first step in solving problems

• Kids are smarter than most adults think – they pay attention and are aware. They will teach you how to raise them if you listen.

• A child who is listened to… Learns how to listen

What is Listening?

Listening is thoughtful attention. It is intentional, and most parents have listening skills. Sometimes it is a matter of putting them into practice intentionally so that you can be a role model for these skills.

We can be better listeners with:

• Direct eye contact

• Positive body language

• Paraphrasing/summarizing what is being said (“So you want to have more time on your ipad”)

• Reflecting the emotion of what they are saying (“Sounds like it hurts your feeling when your sister calls you names”)

• Show empathy (“I remember when my parents made me go to church”)

Listening Quicksand 

Just as there are good listening practices, there are also poor listening practices. I call these Listening Quicksand. Be careful not to sink into these practices!

• Cell Phones – when you look at your cell phone, you automatically make the person you’re talking with a second priority

• Interrupting – you are focused on just getting a moment to break in and say what you want, not listening to what is being said

• Wanting the last word – The focus is on you plus, the conversation will never end!

• Minimizing the conversation to avoid uncomfortable topics

• Teaching moment – Parents try to use every moment as a teaching moment.

• Problem solving- It’s hard to listen and “fix the problem” at the same time

• Showing lack of interest in the conversation

• Time constraints- shutting a conversation down because of time constraints, then never picking it back up.

Listening Bait

Know what topics become “Quicksand” for you as a parent. These topics become great
“teaching moments” and even better conversation killers. What can you do to be a better listener with these topics?

• Video games

• Social Media

• School

• Friendships

• Future

Rule of thumb for Listening

• If you are talking with your kids, make your contribution 20 seconds or less at a time.

• If the conversation is 70/30 (70% you talking, 30% them) then you are not listening. Reverse it.

• Don’t be afraid of uncomfortable conversations. These are ones that stick. Especially when you show respect by listening.

• Serious conversations are set up by all the small, seemingly innocuous conversations.

• Have fun with your kids in conversation. Laughter and joking make conversations and listening so much easier.

Encounter.  Formation.  Expression.

One of the things we talk about at Port City Community is the idea of Encounter, Formation, Expression.  The basic concept is that what we encounter in life will help to form what we think and believe.  What we think and believe will inevitably show up and be expressed in what we say and do.  As parents, part of our job is to help our kids maneuver in a world that is ever changing and build a solid foundation in Christ.  When it comes to listening and communication, we need to remember that what they encounter is forming who they are.  When they encounter parents who listen with thoughtful attention, they will begin to know they are heard and what they have to say matters. It builds up their confidence, helps form their identity, and strengthens their relationship with you, their parents. When a kid opens a door to a conversation, don’t hesitate or be afraid, go in!!  And remember to have fun with your kids, they’re pretty cool!

Helping Kids Come Alive

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.”

That’s what Donovan sang way back in 1965. Sure—on the surface, it’s a sweet ode to his true love. But let’s be honest. He might as well have been singing about being a parent.

I know I’ve felt that way about my own kids. I want to guide them as they move through every new phase of life. Deep down, I really want to understand them. But if I ever think I’m getting this dad thing right, it just as quickly slips through my grasp.

Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

I’m not sure what I expected it to be like—getting to know my kids. I guess I figured that on some level, they would be miniature versions of me. I didn’t really think about the fact that they would be always changing . . . always growing . . . always becoming.

In hindsight, I think I underestimated God. I don’t think I fully appreciated the depth of His creativity. But I do now. I see it every day in my two girls—in their unfolding identity, and in all their beautiful complexity. Parenting them is constantly surprising. Sometimes it’s baffling. But it’s certainly never boring.

I guess I should have seen it coming. I’m not the same person now that I was when I was 8, or 12, or even 25. I have a back story of my own. And I’ve also seen first-hand what the support of loved ones can do along the way. I’ve seen how others can draw out the best parts of us, while also lifting us up when we fall.

I can look back now and see how God hard-wired me for certain things—some of which I’m still discovering to this day.

For example, I’ve always loved music. Some of that was just IN me . . . but it took supportive adults to help it grow. I remember my piano teacher, and the sacrifices my parents made so I could take lessons with her. I remember my high school band teacher, too. He opened my eyes to the world of jazz . . . but he also showed me how music could help you express things you couldn’t say any other way. And, of course, I remember the exhilaration and untamed freedom I felt when I first fired up an electric guitar with my friends.

When I take stock of my life from a wider view, I can see a pattern that I think is significant. My parents and teachers did it right. They identified the things in me that made me come alive.

You see, I’ve spent a lot of time doing things that didn’t necessarily bring me joy . . . or maybe stretched me in unhealthy ways. Some of that is part of the unpredictability of life, and the ebb and flow of different seasons. But as a dad, I want to do what all those supportive people did in my foundational years. I want to identify the things in my kids that they might not even see in themselves. I want to help them discover those things and then learn how to use them in constructive ways.

What I really want to know is . . . what makes my kids come alive?

What are those unique traits that God hard-wired in my girls? How can I encourage each of them to embrace the way they were made? And who are some other people who can come alongside them and encourage them—maybe even in a way that I can’t?

My kids were made in the image of God, just like me. Trying to understand them can sometimes seem like a moving target. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop trying. After all, that might one of my most favorite things about being a parent: anticipating the thousands of tomorrows we’ll have together . . . as we get to know each other all over again.

Helping Your Children in the Discovery of Their Mission

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

On the February 21-22 broadcast of FamilyLife Today, Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine mention ways to help your kids think missionally about life. Here is the list, from the Rainey’s newest book, The Art of Parenting.

Here are some ideas for helping your children to discover their mission:

1. Evaluate your own life.
Are you a person on a mission? How would you describe the mission God has given you? Are you excited about fulfilling God’s mission, and are you talking about it with your children as you do life together?

2. Ask God to give you discernment to spot your children’s gifts, abilities, passions, and burdens—their “missional DNA”—as they begin to emerge.
Begin to rough out a picture of who they are and what they truly seem to care about. What lights their fire? Start a digital diary where you can enter ideas and observations about your child’s talents and passions. It may take a while, but the “missional DNA” will begin to emerge.

3. Affirm and encourage your child when you see him or her operating in what appears to be a sweet spot of his or her gifts and wiring.
This will become increasingly important during the awkward years of adolescence when nearly all teens need someone speaking truth to them. Don’t be surprised if your child has difficulty believing it.

4. Use a date night with your spouse to sharpen your inventory of your child’s life.
Discuss what each of you are observing in your child, and talk about how you can better develop your child’s gifts, talents, and passions.

5. Live your own life “on mission.”
Talk about what your mission is at the dinner table, as you run errands with your kids, or perhaps on a date with your child. Talk about your passions, your dreams, and how you’ve developed your mission over your lifetime. If possible, consider inviting your child to join you in executing your mission. If you are looking for additional reading material on this subject, dig into Dennis’s book Choosing a Life That Matters and Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life.

6. Fan the flames of your child’s dreams.
Perhaps ask, “If you could do anything in the world and couldn’t fail, what would you do and why?” Or read this quote from A. W. Tozer at the dinner table and discuss: “God is looking for those with whom He can do the impossible—what a pity that we plan only the things that we can do by ourselves.”

7. If possible, use testing services as children move into their middle teens and beyond.
This was invaluable to us in presenting an objective view of one child’s gifts and motivations. Ultimately, it helped us know how to encourage and motivate that child.

8. Encourage and affirm small and big steps of faith.
Stepping up and out in faith to use a gift can feel very risky to some children. Memorize Hebrews 11:6 with your children and applaud them when they show initiative.

9. Teach how to process failures—and that they are not final.
Don’t rescue children from failure; it may be one of the best tutors in their lives. Study men and women who failed. For example, Thomas Edison failed thousands of times before he ultimately succeeded in inventing the light bulb.

10. Be a person of faith, too.
We had to deal with our fears when our son came home from college and said he wanted to go live in Estonia, the former Soviet state, for a year and help introduce students to Jesus Christ. He worked with students at Tallinn University in Estonia’s capitol.

You may be surprised to learn that parents are the number one reason college graduates don’t go into the ministry—Christian parents block their kids from going. Personally, we wouldn’t want to be the parents blocking one of our children from doing what God had called him or her to do!

11. Pray with and for your child, for the fulfillment of God’s mission for his or her life. 

12. Read Ephesians 2:10 as a family and assign an older child (a teenager) to lead the family in a devotion about it a couple of weeks later.
Then talk about how each would apply that passage of Scripture to his or her life.

Do the same with Matthew 6:33 and Matthew 28:19-20. Note the context of this latter passage, where Jesus gave His Great Commission as He spoke His last words to His disciples: “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

13. Discuss this Ethiopian proverb at dinner:
“The feet take a person where one’s heart is.”

14. Assign one of your childrento read Katie Davis Majors’s book Daring to Hopeand then give a report about it to the family.
Tighten your seat belts, for this is quite a story of faith by a remarkable young lady.

3 Truths We Need To Teach Our Kids About Being Satisfied

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

My little girl has always had a sweet tooth.

She used to bang her high chair tray for purified fruits and pucker her lips at everything else offered.

Her eyes light up at slices of cake and pink donuts and cheesecake. Cupcakes may be her love language. Don’t even get me started on how often she asks for candy.

She is a picky eater and dinner has always been a battle, but of course she’s always hungry for dessert. Maybe this sounds familiar.

We joke about her insatiable appetite for sugar and are constantly reminding her to fill up on good food first. The other day she had a light bulb moment, “Mom, when I eat something sweet, it tastes so good, but I’m usually still hungry afterwards.”

Her epiphany made me think about raising our kids in a culture on a constant quest for satisfaction.

I’ve watched my kids fill up on empty things—we all have: from social media cravings to the trendy, must-have fashion fads to the latest technology upgrades. And one thing is certain, even if or when they get what they want, there’s always something next or better tempting them around the corner.

In our culture, no matter how much we get, we always want more. Because we are really good at filling up our time and lives with things that do not satisfy.

That’s because these things—although not all bad—leave us feeling empty instead of full.

As a matter of fact, it’s reported that after reading other people’s statuses on Facebook, we’re more likely to feel down and depressed and generally worse about ourselves than when we clicked onto it. I know I’ve experienced this.

We are raising a tween and two teens in our house and I have watched them go from one thing to another in their quest to be satisfied. From sports to trying new instruments, to changing the way they look. I realize this is called growing up, but it’s been amazing watching my older two (especially in the last six months or so) discover deep, abiding satisfaction in their relationship with Christ.

They are learning truths that will carry them through whatever life brings their way: Filling their hearts and minds with the things of God will quench the hunger that the world cannot. Not only do they feel better, they are full.

We are given the example in Mark 10:17 of the rich young ruler. This was an influential man, maybe even a prince, who had everything money could buy. But when Jesus asked him to give up what he loved the most—his money and possessions—he walked away sad and empty because he just couldn’t give it up.

Because Jesus’ command revealed this ugly truth: The young man loved something of the world more than he loved Jesus.

Why would God ask him to give it all up? Or ask us to do the same? Because God wants us to give Him what we love the most. Because our love of (fill in the blank—it’s different for all of us) will keep us from God.

Here are three important truths we need to teach our kids about being satisfied:

1. We were created for the eternal. This life isn’t the end. All our striving and obtaining, and we all end up leaving this world with the same thing: nothing. We are eternal beings, created for eternity. So, the temporary things of this world—that feel good and are fun—are temporary. They will not last. Kids also don’t have the perspective of hindsight. Everything here and now feels like forever. They need us to gently remind them that this world will never quench the hunger we were born with.

2. We can’t both hold on and let go. When I read about the rich young ruler, it makes me sad. He was a good guy. He had done good things, but in the end he held on to things that didn’t matter. This Scripture goes on to say, “The young ruler was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn’t bear to let go.” We have to teach our kids we can’t hold onto Jesus until we let go of this world.

3. We were made for more. As Christians, if our goal in life is happiness, we are missing the point of life. We aren’t here so we can have it all or do it all. And if that’s our aim, we will only live a dissatisfied life. We are here to glorify God with our lives. Like Jennie Allen says, “So if we know no place, no job, no marriage, no child is going to fulfill us perfectly, we can make the choice to quit fighting for happiness in all of it and start to fight for God’s glory in it.”

God wants to know that we love Him more than anything else. When we make that our goal in life, we find deep satisfaction.

We discover that it is possible to satisfy that craving for something that is real.

And it’s not only good, it’s sweet.