Secrets for Dads From a Daughter

The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

This is a guest post from Hannah Joiner.

I happened to be at the wedding when Reggie, my dad, read this letter to Mark on the day he gave his daughter Kristi away in marriage. Even though it was directed primarily to fathers, I couldn’t help but learn a few things myself. I also thought of a few secrets that my dad should know about his daughter that might be beneficial for other dads too.

Secret one: Rolling my eyes didn’t always mean what I was communicating to you.

I remember rolling my eyes as a little girl when my dad needed to take me by his office. The funny thing is I also remember REALLY wanting to go. I just didn’t want him to know that. Yes, we do play games, and I’m sorry it’s so confusing! I loved feeling like I was important enough to be around my dad’s workplace. It made me feel like he was proud to be my dad.

Secret two: I loved when you invested in getting to know my friends.

When my dad would get to know my friends (at any age), it meant the world to me. I pretended to be embarrassed sometimes. Little did he know, he was communicating his genuine interest in my life. What was important to me was also important to him. And I began to realize that his purpose was not to just make the rules, he wanted to build a relationship with me.

Secret three: Letting go helped me decide who I wanted to be.

When I was sixteen, I got into some trouble at school. I was scared to death of what my punishment would be when my dad got home. This is one of those times I remember him “letting go.” He didn’t really punish me, he just told me I was old enough to make my own decisions and that I was accountable to God and myself. The next day, he took me to work with him and treated me like an adult. This was a turning point in my life. I was heartbroken knowing he was disappointed in me. I WANTED a punishment so that I could just pay for it. Instead, letting go in that moment taught me who I wanted to be—someone that could make the right decisions without rules.

Dads, I wish I had been better at communicating to my father how much his holding on and letting go meant to me. The chances are your daughters will probably wish the same thing one day. If you are fighting for her and trying your best, she knows it. So don’t stop. Of course my dad didn’t do everything right, but none of that matters now because he fought for our relationship. I really believe that’s the most crucial part.

I hope this encourages every parent and ever leader to push on through the eye rolls and know that kids need you to fight for their heart. So keep doing what you do. Every day. Every week. And when that moment comes and you have to let go and let them walk away, you can know they will carry with them all the things you have done for them over time.

When its Up to Them

* The following was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Some days don’t turn out the way you planned.
Some lives take a different course than expected.
I think that’s the hardest part of being the parent of a Junior or Senior. Or even a young adult.

You guide, you direct, you help where needed, but ultimately the choice is up to them.

You may think you have a part in the decision, but it’s up to them . . .

to look both ways in the intersection.
to do that project.
to dream of what they would want to do or be.
to take the SAT.
to make wise choices with their friends.

Ultimately it’s their choice.

Each age stage has its challenge:

The infant and toddler years—and the vigilance and work they require.
The elementary years—when you can breathe a little, and let them enjoy childhood.
The middle school years—when you ride a daily roller coaster of emotions, independence/dependence, and change.
The high school years—when they begin to pull away and establish their own lives.

But then you realize your time is running out.
And you can either react in fear and clutch them close . . .
Or you can begin to let them soar.

Even if they’re not ready to fly.
Even if they’re not ready to soar.

Even if you’re not ready for them to fly.
Even if you’re not ready for them to soar.

It looks differently for different kids, but you let them succeed or fail based on their own choices.

They’ll have to do it eventually. They might as well begin making choices while they are under your roof so you can help them learn from it.

And it will be the hardest thing in the world.
At least it is for me.
I’m a protector. I want to keep those around me safe from any kind of harm.
Letting them make those choices will wrench your heart sometimes.

What’s more, I like doing things for my kids.
I’m good at taking care of things.
It makes me feel like I’m needed.

But sometimes, I have to choose to let them do something differently than I would and without my help. And when I make those choices, I know I’m also training someone else—me.

Because my sons will be making choices for the rest of their lives. Some of them I will agree with, some of them I won’t. As adults, husbands, men, they will even make good decisions but in ways that differ from how I would do it. So giving them the freedom to choose now not only prepares them for the day they will be on their own, but it also prepares me. Because I’m not just preparing my children for adulthood.

I’m also preparing myself for their adulthood.

Are We Pushing Our Kids too Hard?

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

Are We Pushing Our Kids too Hard?

My kids need to see that their value isn’t tied to their grades or what school accepts them. I need to encourage them to follow God’s design and purpose for their lives and not insist they conform to a specific formula for success.

By Tom Davis

“A top student, your classmate, has thrown himself in front of a train.” A somber teacher read the statement to the student body containing all too familiar words. It was November. A few days after homecoming and about a month before college applications were due.

In the last nine months, five high school students and graduates had ended their lives. Johanna, a high school junior lamented, “I have organized two memorial services for my friends and I am only 15 years old.”

This is Silicon Valley, the birthplace of the tech explosion.  Yet in this bustling world of cool gadgets and bright ideas the teen suicide rate is four times the national average.

These schools, transformed by the tech boom, feed some of the best universities in the nation, including nearby Stanford and UC Berkeley. Known for excellence in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math), they provide opportunities to cultivate successful kids that most parents only dream about.

Smart, successful kids

The pace and the cost of living in the San Francisco Bay Area keeps climbing. But parents continue to sacrifice so they can give their teens every possible opportunity to succeed.

The competition is tough. Kids are placed into “tracks” in math and science and English. These tracks become a big part of their social identity.

Teams of students compete nationally and consistently place in the top 10 percent in biology, math, and robotics. The school musicals are voted the best youth productions in the San Francisco Bay Area. And that has nothing to say of the prizewinning apps and inventions created by individual students.

Amid all these high achievements from successful kids,  suicide casts a long, undeniable shadow.

I know what this pressure feels like. Raised and educated in the San Francisco Bay Area, I grew up with it. It drove me to do well in school and work hard in my career.

Is it worth it?

But as I read the news of another suicide I started to wonder, is it worth it? And what about my kids? I have always pushed them to succeed, but have I been pushing my kids too hard?

God created us to live in relationship and community. Something within us longs for acceptance. I had always looked for that acceptance through my career. As I looked over the names of teens who had recently taken their own lives, God began to challenge my thinking. What I needed to do was look beyond good grades, Ivy League acceptances, stellar resumes, and prestigious titles. I needed God’s perspective on success.

Reporters asked Mother Teresa if she was a success working with the poorest of the poor. She responded, “God does not require that we be successful, only that we be faithful.” Perhaps the best career choice for my kids is to be in the integrity business—showing honesty, kindness, respect, and being others-centered. These are qualities that God values and rewards. “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40).

Real self-esteem

God does not always reward us in this lifetime with the type of success that I might imagine. I need to be okay with this. Jesus is more interested in the development of the moral character of His followers. I can strive for achievement, but I cannot let achievement be the measure of my value. Psalm 139 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God places great value on us simply because we are His.

My teens need to see that their value isn’t tied to their grades or what school accepts them. I need to encourage them to follow God’s design and purpose for their lives and not insist they conform to a specific formula for success.

Jesus promised, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). Why should the burden that we put on our kids be any heavier?

Balance is a Myth

* The following article was copied from www.keyministry.org.

There’s no such thing as balance. Honestly. There isn’t.

What do we usually mean by balance? What picture pops to mind? The scale, settled on its fulcrum, equal weights on either side. Well, that picture doesn’t work in real life. First, there’s not a day in any human’s life when there are ONLY two things. We have kids and work and family and personal care, and spiritual health and worship and service and vocation and hobbies and … AND, even with the imaginary two things, there’s no moment in time when things get equal effort.

The idea of being balanced seems to imply that we know what’s on our plate and we then allocate appropriate time to each thing, perhaps in a way that reflects our priorities. Although we acknowledge family as more important to us than our jobs, we spend more time at work than with our families. And with God at the top of our priority list, time in spiritual practices can fall a poor third to work and family time. Are we out of balance?

THINGS COME UP

I think the idea of priorities takes us down the right road. I know you have had that moment, a call from a loved one, when you dropped everything and went over, to spend time with them, to serve and to help. Were you out of balance then? Or what about when your kid doesn’t sleep the night and you don’t sleep to care for him, but then you don’t go to work because the combination of his needs and your exhaustion means you might be dangerous or unkind to other humans? Are you out of balance then? I don’t think so. I think you made a choice about what your priority was in the moment.

As a mom of a child with special needs, I’ve noticed that it’s hard to know ahead of time all the things that I’ll deal with on a given day. Who knows which combination of a school plumbing emergency (no school), a stomach virus (no sleep), a winter storm (no heat or power) or a panic attack (no peace) will come my way? If I don’t know what’s coming, how can I plan in a way that establishes balance?

A TIME FOR EVERYTHING

With the massive unknown created by competing roles and unexpected events, I’ve decided that balance is a myth. Another strategy is needed to maintain peace and sanity. It’s called ‘figuring out what’s needed right now.’ It probably sounds better if I say, ‘know your priorities.’ I know we all know our general priorities of God, family, and so on. But in every given moment, there are at least five things calling for our attention and only one thing that needs to be done. The trick is knowing what that one thing is.

Ecclesiates 3 is often quoted on this matter, and it’s true! There is a time for everything. That’s such a relief! That means if I don’t have time for something, then the “it” isn’t actually a thing that I need to be doing. But how do we determine what should be done in each moment? Here are four steps to help you figure this out.

1.  CHOOSE THE EASY WAY.

I live by the mantra if it’s worth doing, its worth doing the hard way. As a type-A-get-things-done person, I’m pretty competent at most things and I can be caught doing many, many, many things that I just don’t have to do. I don’t have to create the cute wall art myself, I can buy one. I don’t have to pick the kids up, I can let them take the train. Some of the items competing for our attention can be delegated to others or just done the easy way.

2.  PRIORITIES.

How do you want to spend your time and energies? What do you really want to be doing? Sometimes we are caught doing tasks that others ask us to do, even though they don’t sit in our sweet spot. This is often the case with ministry and service opportunities. Make a list of how you really want to spend your time and energy. Especially note the priorities that you think take more time or energy than they should, and the others that are not getting enough attention. These two lists are prayer prompts, opportunities to discuss your time and energy utilization with the One who makes all time and energy.

3.  SCHEDULE.

Figure out some general time blocks that you want to use for the items on your list. I like to create an ideal week, with buckets for learning, work with clients, self-care, worship, etc. The Maker of time and energy will lead you into a sense of the rhythm for your week and month. As you get a sense of this rhythm, make sure you create generous time boundaries for things like travel and other transitions. For example, I realized that I can spend several hours in activity with my kids or with clients, but the moment I am by myself, I need at least thirty minutes of recovery time before I can move to the next activity. That thirty minute boundary of reading, listening to music or browsing social media needs to be part of my transition time. Notice your typical trends, own them and honor the time you need by planning for your transitions. That way, they don’t sneak up and hijack your schedule.

4.  SEE CLEARLY.

Even though we plan, stuff happens. Most of the stuff that interferes with our schedule is outside our control, and can create anxiety for us. My husband Isaiah is a worship leader and is responsible for our church’s worship team. Sometimes, team members get sick or are otherwise unable to participate. At a moment’s notice, he can be thrown off schedule. This kind of unexpected thing happens all the time, things that require his response. For Isaiah, and for all of us, knowing when to say yes and when to say no is an act of discernment.

It’s difficult to separate the competing voices and demands when we are anxious and unsettled. The scriptures are right: peace guards our hearts, the place where discernment and intuition reside. It’s often impossible to be clear about what to do without this peace, this knowing and intution you sometimes can’t explain.

THE BOTTOM LINE

So in those moments, when my priorities cannot be determined without my ability to see everything clearly, and that clarity is difficult without peace, then peace is the only priority. This is a tough lesson to grasp, and even tougher to master. The truth is that we don’t effectively align with our priorities and know how to respond to the situations that face us if we aren’t anchored deep down, knowing that we are safe and capable and have access to all the resources we need. A wise friend calls this the ‘non-anxious presence.’ When I allow myself to be present in a non-anxious way, regardless of what’s going on around me, I can see the situations so much clearer, hear the priorities of my heart loudly, and can discern the promptings of the Spirit.

BALANCING

Even though there is no such thing as balance, there is such a thing as balancing, so that we can honor the fact that there is a time for everything. Balancing requires us to work smart, understand and create time for our priorities, and practice peace. If we do these things, we can respond to the daily upheavals with grace, clearly see our current situation, recognize our priorities and respond appropriately to the invitation of the Spirit.

This balancing won’t look the same from day to day, and thank God for that! Life is dynamic. There are no formulas. Only the knowledge that we have access to the One who loves us fully, knows us completely and will guide our moments to create more of His Kingdom on earth gives us balance. Here’s to balancing well for the rest of 2019!

9 Things I Will Teach My Kids About God

* The following article was copied from www.shanepruitt.com.

My wife and I recently welcomed our second child into the world and we couldn’t be more excited. I can’t say that I’m a perfect parent, but I can say that both my wife and I try our hardest show our kids that they are loved, cherished and always welcome to come to us if they need something. There a lot of things about parenting you can’t really prepare for, which is what makes the journey that much more fun. But while my wife and I still have many years of parenting experiences, failures, and victories ahead of us, there are a few things I’ve already decided I will make sure to teach them about God.

1. It’s okay to have doubts.

Growing up I was always indirectly taught by others to never question God’s ways, nor should I doubt his existence and all-mighty power. But the older I became, the more questions I had about God. It was as if doubting was sought as complete disbelief, which in my case was not true at all.

The act of doubting is part of our human nature and an indirect connection with the fall of man. Doubt has been embedded into our inner-being as humans. It’s a natural state. My doubts actually kickstarted my campaign towards becoming closer to God. A lot of things didn’t seem to make sense to me, and my doubts are what led me to begin studying more. Studying God’s Word more brought me closer to him, and being closer to him gave me peace and understanding about who he was.

I want to teach my sons that it’s okay to doubt God, have questions and not completely understand everything God does. God is big enough to handle our doubts, our questions, and our concerns. He’s not afraid of them. He wouldn’t be God if that was so. I don’t want my boys to be afraid to question what’s happening or wave their fists a little. God can handle it. I want to teach my sons to let it all out and get honest with God about what they’re really feeling. Why? Because I trust God to combat their doubts with pure and vibrant understanding.

2. God works in his ways, not ours.

If God answered all of our prayers they the way that we saw fit, our world would be one scary place to live in. Just like any loving parent in this world, God seeks what is best for his children and will constantly contradict our expectations for our own benefit. He knows what’s best and his ways will always be grander than our own. I want my kids to learn that we must let go of our plans and instead grab hold of the will of God. I know this concept is easier said than done, but it will always be worth it in the long run.

God’s plans are perfect because God himself is a perfect Lord. He himself is the almighty assurance of life, guiding us towards the greater good of life; His will. Although God is faithful in his answering of prayer, we cannot expect him to answer every prayer to our exact measurements. Faith is trusting God even when things don’t make sense, and that includes a prayer that we feel may be unanswered or at the wrong time. I want my kids to understand that God works in his perfect timing and not ours.

3. There will be people who disagree with you.

Lord willing my kids will choose a personal relationship with God, not everyone is going to understand why they chose it. There are people in this world who will disagree with their decision to follow Jesus, and there are even people in this world who are killed because of this controversial faith. But although we may find opposition, I want my children to remember that God will always be by our side to provide us with comfort and peace.

Temporary acceptance from the world will never be able to outweigh the importance of eternal acceptance from God. Although they may be mocked and ridiculed, they can stand tall knowing God’s love is on their side regardless of the opposition that faces them. Their destiny is in the hands God, not the opinions of man.

4. God is perfect, but his followers are not.

Growing up I had a lot of resentment towards God, but what I failed to realize is that my resentment was due to the actions of some of his followers, not him. Not everyone who claims to love God is perfect, but we can always rely on God for perfection inside and out. We’re human. We make mistakes. We aren’t always going to do things right. I want my sons to learn how to separate their frustration towards Christians from that of God, understanding that he doesnt always have perfect followers.

I want my kids to understand the difference between God, the perfect creator and his creation, and the imperfect who have a great need for a perfect savior.

5. You’re always welcome home.

No matter how lost you and I may get in this life, God has an open door policy that always provides us with an opportunity to come back home. God’s love always has vacancy. We’ve all made mistakes, but the beauty of the cross is that Jesus died for them. All of them. Your sins have been wiped clean, and your heart has been renewed by the grace of Jesus himself. Your mistakes do not define you. Your failures don’t have to haunt you. Your mishaps don’t need to be accounted for. God forgives you for your mistakes, even if you have yet to forgive yourself

God forgives you for your mistakes, even if you have yet to forgive yourself of them. I want my kids to know that he is always welcome back into the arms of God, no matter how dark their life ever may become.

6. Church is people, not a building.

I want to teach my sons to re-think the way culture has defined the definition of church, as it is not simply just a building that one attends on a weekly basis but instead who one is on a daily basis. I want my boys to take ownership of their faith and be a living example of Christ. We are the church, and we are called to reflect the image of Jesus in our everyday lives.

When we take this reality to heart, every aspect of our lives then becomes a mission field, a space to worship in, and a realm to shine our light in. The world is our canvas and the Holy Spirit wants to use us to create a masterpiece known as The Great Commission. I want my sons to see the church as more than just what cultural-Christianity views it as. I want them to see the beauty of God’s church being practiced through everyday people like themselves.

7. Theology matters because God matters.

I desire for my sons to understand the importance of theology, their comprehension of God, and knowing why they believe what they believe. Yearning to know more about God will come naturally as they grows deeper in relation with him, and taking the time to study God’s Word through a theological mindset will help open their heart and soul to a much deeper appreciation of his being.

Theology alone will not suffice, and nor will passion by itself. I want my sons to see the seriousness of learning more about the God that I pray they choose to call, Lord. Theology matters because God matters.

8. Life isn’t always going to be easy.

The Christian life isn’t always going to be easy or without trial, but God’s promises us he will be alongside us the entire way. So many people think that just because they believe in Jesus means everything is going to be flawless and perfect. This really isn’t the case at all. You may have a relationship with Jesus, but this doesn’t mean life is going to stop moving forward, tough circumstances are going to cease to exist, and rough times will never be a possibility.

Even though Jesus never said life would be easy, he did say he would be there for you in your times of need. The message of The Gospel isn’t that life will be perfect, but that in its imperfection we have a perfect and flawless Savior.

9. Not everything has a black and white answer.

When putting our lives in the hands of God, we must be ready to not understand everything that God does, why he does it, and how long he will do it for. Some things only have one answer; to trust God even if it doesn’t make sense. It may seem like a shallow and cliché’ response, but it’s actually quite the opposite. Trusting God amidst our confusion is a spiritually deepening experience.

God won’t always give us clear and crisp directions. I want my son to trust in God for that in which he cannot see or comprehend with his own mind. I want my kids to use God as their compass in life, directing them every step of the way.

—Jarrid Wilson

This article originally appeared on jarridwilson.com

How to Help Your Child When Life Isn’t Fair

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

All children see unfairness take place and often experience unfairness firsthand in their own lives, whether it’s at home, at school, or in their relationships with friends and authorities. But if not handled properly, children can become very bitter and even calloused to the unfairness in their lives and the world around them.

However, when life is unfair, it gives us a perfect opportunity to speak life into our child by bringing a proper balance to the situation. Our job is to help our child see that it’s all about PERSPECTIVE. So the next time life throws an unfair curveball at your child, remind them of these important principles:

1. Life will never be fair.

I like the words of John F. Kennedy… “Life isn’t fair. It never was and never will be.” There’s a lot of truth in that statement, and the sooner we can help our children to understand this, the better. Because so many things in life are out of our control, many of those things will also often be unfair.

2. It’s okay that life is not fair.

When what’s unfair happens to our child, our natural tendency is to want to make right what is wrong. But in reality, most of the unfairness our children will experience in life is okay. Let’s be real for a moment… It’s unfair that our children were born in America, while other children suffer daily from hunger. It’s unfair that some people are born into poverty, while others are born into wealth. It’s unfair that some people are gifted in ways that we will never be. It’s unfair. But it’s not only unfair. It’s okay.

3. Our response to what happens is more important than what actually happens.

Surprisingly throughout history, some of the happiest people who have learned to enjoy life the most are people who have often been treated the most unfairly. Go to a third world country where they have far less, and you’ll be surprised at how little they talk about life being so unfair. In fact, they are often filled with joy, because it’s all they have. When our children get hurt or treated unfairly, it’s important to remind them that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.

4. There is a much bigger picture at play.

“If we can help our children maintain a proper perspective of whatever life throws at them, there is nothing they can’t face.”

Recently, our teenage daughter was struggling with some unfairness, and I remember having some in-depth conversations with her to help her navigate through her situations. What was encouraging to me was to hear her later telling me about how God had connected all the dots in His time in ways that didn’t make any sense to her at the time. We had a great discussion about how there is always a bigger picture at play than what we can usually see at the moment. If we are patient, what is unfair now may become understood later.

If we can help our children maintain a proper perspective of whatever life throws at them, there is nothing they can’t face.

5 Reasons Your Preteen Needs You

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

Your preteen is embarking on the era of adolescence when many of life’s choices will be made, and they need you now more than ever. Preteens are unique because, unlike most teenagers, they still invite participation and closeness with parents—an attitude that will be changing soon.

While you have the opportunity, take advantage of this time to make long lasting impressions. Here are five reasons why your preteen needs you:

1. They are laying the foundation for adulthood.

Your preteens are testing the waters of personality, style, and goals. They’re asking questions like, “Who am I?” As a parent, this is an opportune time to influence those decisions. Create thought-provoking conversations to help them work through the answers.

Time in the car is a great opportunity to talk about issues that happened at school. And a few minutes before bedtime can be ideal for discussing the troubling questions deep in their hearts.

2. They need your discernment.

As your preteen grows, they will explore new ideas and boundaries. As with any testing period, they will be faced with tough choices, and you must teach them how to discern good and bad. When the pressures of the world are overwhelming, they need you there to guide them through.

They won’t always want you to tell them what to do. They want to find out some things on their own. But they need to know that no matter what happens, you will be there, just like God is always there for His children.

3. They want your input.

Your child is still young enough to appreciate your interaction, so take advantage of it. As the teenage years approach, your children will start to pull away, and you’ll have to struggle to be a part of their lives. Start building a relationship now that will extend into the teen years.

That means you have to take time to listen, laugh, and create memories. If that’s too difficult, maybe it’s time to rearrange some things in your busy schedule until these years of opportunity fade away.

4. God ordained you to teach your child.

God set up the family so that His principles would be passed down from one generation to the next (Psalm 78:5-8). The responsibility of guiding your child falls to you, not to teachers, your child’s peers, or even church staff.

Maybe mistakes in your past make you feel inadequate to guide your preteen, but you are not insufficient with God’s help and grace. You don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent. You just have to share the testimony of how God’s grace has made such a difference in your own life.

5.  They need your unconditional love.

Your preteen is going to make mistakes . . . especially as they grow into a teenager. Just as your heavenly Father extends grace, do the same for your child. When your preteen falls, be there to catch them. Make your home a place where they will always feel loved.

It can be easy to see all the things they do wrong. A parent may feel like it helps to point out mistakes, and sometimes it does. But don’t forget to look for the good in your child and praise them for the things they do right. No matter what, tell them every single day you love them and you are glad that God gave them to you.

What Every Tween Girl Needs From Her Mom

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Do you remember the year you turned nine? How about twelve? I remember. I remember playing outside with my friend Erin. I remember my Cabbage Patch Kid dolls. I remember my mom’s chocolate cake and watching Auburn games with my dad and roller skating in the street. I remember when my brother was born and thinking I had the best life ever. And then something started shifting. A transition.

I remember walking a friend down the big hill in our neighborhood—I even remember which house we were in front of. She began explaining to me how gross it would be on the first day I got my period. And I was horrified. It was like my childhood of fairies and dolls and glitter went right down the storm drain as we passed it.

The reality of growing into a woman with actual problems stared me straight in the face. And I was not a fan.

On that day, the transition from girlhood to womanhood was something I viewed with fear, dread, and confusion.

Luckily, I had a mom and a big sister who didn’t let me walk that transition alone. I moved from little girl to teen with many more conversations that led to excitement empowerment. I had a safe place to go when I had questions. And I found out that growing up wasn’t so bad. Ultimately, I had the blessing of an intentional connection with my mom that is priceless for every growing girl.

Fast forward, and I’m the mom of two girls. They are both in this same phase of transition. And, they are straddling two worlds. They still play and wonder and imagine and enjoy the innocence of childhood. However, they are also learning and growing about what’s ahead. We are leaning into new topics together about their changing bodies, friendships, emotions, technology, and more.

As a mother, this new phase may give you your own feelings of uncertainty and doubt. But I encourage you to lead with confidence. This is a new opportunity for necessary connection with your daughter. Every tween girl needs her mom or a mom-figure in her life. From a mentor to big sis or special aunt–a mom-figure provides a safe place to ask questions now, and in years to come.

I want to remind you that’s it’s not all on you. And you are not alone. Here are a few things my mentors have taught me that I’d love to pass along to you.

1. Listen more than you talk. As a girl who loves to talk, this one is hard. But my girls need me to talk less. They need me to listen and learn how to let them share. I don’t always have to fix it. In fact, if I over-fix, freak out, and always solve, they will come to me less often.

2. Ask questions often. I have found my girls are way smarter than I realize. Asking questions keeps them talking. And not always about serious topics. Ask them about their interests. Get to know them as unique girls. Be fascinated by them. Learn about their friends and fears and dreams through great questions. There is one guarantee about raising kids—you are going to mess up. And emotions get heated with moms and daughters. Lead by example and apologize first. Take ownership for your part and she will learn to do the same.

3. Ask for wisdom. When I feel overwhelmed, I remind myself to return to the One who made my girls. And that all of this is not on me. This practice of reading God’s word, prayer, and seeking wise counsel allows me to gain a higher perspective on the pressing situation. I want my girls dependent on their perfect Heavenly Father and never on their imperfect mother. As my late friend Wynter Pitts said to me, “Our job as moms is to walk our girls through their problems, not around them.”Let’s go to the Lord for wisdom and teach our girls to do the same.

4. Enjoy them. The busyness of life often crowds out the fun. Don’t forget to enjoy your girls. Find something you can do together to connect. They just want to be around you. Find a new adventure or hobby. Take a walk. There are 20 suggestions you can try over at TreasuredGirlz.com.

Take a deep breath, Mama. God chose you to mother your girls. If they needed another mama, they’d have one. They have you. And you are enough!

5 Quick Ways to Help Your Kid Finish the School Year

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I recently wrote a book called, “Finish, Give Yourself the Gift of Done.”

One of the things that inspired me to write it was how difficult it is to actually finish goals.

According to a study by the University of Scranton, 92% of all New Year’s Resolutions fail.

That statistic bothered me. I was tired of leaving goals in my own life half done and tired of seeing friends give up on once meaningful hopes.

I commissioned a research study with a Ph.D. named Mike Peasley. He and I studied nearly 900 people as they worked on goals for six months. We wanted to learn what it really took to finish something that matters.

Do you know what matters to you and your kid right now? Getting to the finish line of the school year. May and June are the busiest/slowest months ever. You have more to do than ever before but less motivation to do it. It’s a terrible combination.

How can you help your kid finish the school year? Here are five quick ways:

1. Paint a clear picture of the end.

Runners never stop running when they can see the finish line. The problem is that sometimes the summer feels far away when you’re in the midst of final projects and tests. Do your best to help your kid see what they are working toward. Celebrate the summer you’re headed to as a way to amplify some motivation. (At Parent Cue, we call that, “Imagining the End.”)

2. Share a time you persevered.

Kids sometimes feel like they’re the only ones who have to push through difficult things like the last month of school. Let them know they’re not alone. Share a story from your own childhood or even a tale about a work project you had to knock out despite not being very motivated.

3. Make it fun.

Don’t wait until the summer to add some fun to their goals. A big, final finish line is awesome, but so are some small finish lines along the way. Head out for ice cream when the science project is finished. Catch the latest Marvel movie after a final school recital. Build in small wins in the weeks leading up to the last day of school.

4. Break the work into smaller pieces.

Small wins are great and so are small goals. A final paper might be overwhelming, especially if the deadline is looming. Do your best to help your kid break that big project into something manageable. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was a perfectly scaled coat hanger model of the solar system.

5. Remind them of a time they won in the past.

When kids are stressed about the end of school, they often forget every other time they’ve worked hard to complete a goal. Sometimes, just reminding them of a time they’ve won before can provide a bit of boost. Remind them of last year’s final projects that turned out great. Encourage them to remember a little league practice that was difficult, but bested. Chances are, this isn’t the first bit of adversity they’ve faced. Get them to take a quick look at the past to generate a bit of hope for the present.

My oldest daughter just turned in the “bottle project,” a massive geometry assignment she’s been working on for weeks.

It wasn’t easy, but by breaking it up in chunks and focusing on how stress-free she’d be after finishing it, she was able to stay motivated.

Your kid can too if you’ll give this five quick tips a try.

Hope Boomerangs Back

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“Pray for others that you may be healed,” (James 5:16). These words wouldn’t leave me alone. I really needed some encouragement––a prayer, a note, anything. From somebody. From an “other.” Six months into my Josiah’s autism diagnosis, I was enticed by waves of despair.

I needed someone to listen, to ask about “it,” but more importantly, to really understand. But my usual support system was eerily silent and I felt like we had been relocated to the Island of Misfit Toys. I put on my smile every day, but I was a wreck inside and dismayed that few seemed to pick up on my need.

Life continued to go on all around me—but now our life as we knew it was horribly distorted, disfigured, undone. For the first time, even God seemed distant when I needed Him to be close. I wasn’t so sure He could be trusted with that which I held most dear.

I didn’t have a grid for dealing with an autism declaration paired with repeated blows—“cause unknown, cure unknown, lifelong.” I looked at my beautiful, curly headed two-year-old boy and tried to peer into his foggy future. He had been progressing normally and then just stopped mysteriously, and over a fateful three weeks lost skills and retreated into himself. Society told me to learn to cope. God told me never to give up hope. These two options created an odd emotional and spiritual friction.

It’s now four years since my son was diagnosed with autism. He still doesn’t have functional speech and works very hard to play and learn, but he releases more joy than anyone I know. I’ve learned from him about the power of releasing, and know he will fulfill a powerful destiny.

Something changed in me the day that I took the phrase, “Pray for others that you may be healed,” and started practicing a new way of releasing. I looked for people to pray for. I became observant.

I decided I would stop and pray right then for people who were hurting. I would listen for the tone of their voices when they said they were “fine,” and see if there was more behind their “fine.” When I intentionally gave away the very thing that I needed myself, I was being healed. And the hope and encouragement I needed generously boomeranged back from unexpected places.

This article was originally posted April 13, 2012. A year after this article, Tahni Cullen’s life spun into supernatural mode when at seven years old, her nonverbal autistic son, Josiah, who had never been traditionally taught to read or write, suddenly typed his first independent sentence on an iPad: God is a good gift giver.

As told in her book,Josiah’s Fire, God unlocked Josiah’s spiritual senses to the deep joys of heaven—renewing their hope, joy, and excitement for God’s Word, power, and presence. Josiah’s gems on their Josiah’s Fire Facebook page delight people from around the world with his wise, thought-provoking insights.

When You Need More Hope

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“It’s going to be okay,” I promised my wailing 4-year-old. Tell yourself, “It’s going to be okay.”

He finally took a deep breath and shakily repeated, “It’s going to be okay.”

Why was his world falling apart?

Because I’d taken some of the extra shredded cheese off his plate and put it on his younger brother’s plate.

My 4-year-old is a planner with a high sense of justice. From the time he could talk, he would stand up in his crib and demand to know what we were doing that day, and in what order.

The problem is, life rarely bows to our planning efforts.

You grab a cookie—then discover you have to eat your carrots first.
You’re going to have the best birthday party ever—but then you get stomach flu.
You practice really hard to make the soccer team—but don’t make the cut.
You get into your dream college — and have to say no, because it’s too expensive.
There’s mold in the walls of your newly-bought condo.
Your engagement busts up.
It takes years to get pregnant.
You find a lump.

Things fall apart. The world starts to look dark.

Frankly, it’s often as hard for me as it is for my preschooler. Sometimes I’m tempted to dwell in hopelessness. But while there’s a place for sadness and disappointment—even grieving—we can be assured knowing there’s a bigger picture at play:

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)

As a parent, you can see the bigger picture for your child’s busted lip or that situation with the mean kid at school; you encourage your child to trust you that it will be okay. And God longs for us to do the same. He sees the big picture with the broken relationship and lost job and chronic back pain.

He says, “I see you. I’ve got you. Trust me with your story. In the end, it’s going to be okay.”

This does not belittle your current issues or your child’s problem—but it does mean that you don’t have to stay there. It means you can have HOPE that things will get better, and you can teach your child to have hope, too—no matter how big or small the problems they face. (Keep in mind that what seems small to you is a huge deal to your child.)

This means two things :

1. Hope is a muscle you can work.

It’s a learned ability to see a bigger picture. Life experience helps us look back and see it better from where we are standing now. Practice looking for the good that has come from the bad, and find hope for the future. And when your child hits a moment or season of despair, you can help them rehearse the things they’ve faced before. The skinned knee that got better. How they finally mastered reading, even though it was so frustrating for so long. How they made new friends, even after the big move.

2. Hope is a gift.

As Paul encourages us:

May the God who gives hope fill you with great joy. May you have perfect peace as you trust in him. May the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope. (Romans 15:13)

When you need hope, ask for it. When your child needs hope, sit down and pray together that God will fill you both with His joy and the belief that He is at work, even when you can’t see it.

Hope can hold your moment-by-moment together when the big things fall apart. And it can do the same for your child… even when his precise dinner plan goes off menu.

Fortnite Facts and Figures

* The following article was copied from www.ministrytoparents.com.

As every parent in 2019 knows, Fortnite is a household name and game.

This multi-platform (PC, Xbox, PlayStation 4, Nintendo, and mobile) and cross-platform (playable for with others on different platforms) game is sweeping not only the nation but the world!

Winners of the 2018 Gaming Awards, Best On-Going Game, and Best Multiplayer Game, this video game is making its way into homes, stores, and screens all over.

Fortnite launched in July of 2017 and has only been picking up steam and momentum.

For example, Fortnite’s creators, Epic Games, posted in June of 2018 that there were 125 million players worldwide and in just five months that number rose to 200 million players as of November of 2018, according to Bloomberg.

These numbers suggest that most families have a Fortnite player they are raising.

Now, let’s focus on the facts and figures of Fortnite and understanding how as a parent you can be informed about the good, the bad, and the ugly of Fortnite.

FORTNITE BRINGS IN THE V-BUCKS

Well, they make more than the in-game currency “V-Bucks”; they are making dollar bills.

Most currently, Epic Games is reporting to make $300 million a month on Fortnite sales.

Fortnite is a free game, but it is the “in-game purchases” that are bringing in so much profit.

A survey of 1,000 Fortnite players reported the following on spending habits within the game:

• 68.8% spend money on Fortnite

• Of those that spend, they spend $85 on average

Here is where the money goes:

• 58.9% on Skins (characters/outfits)

• 18% on Gliders

• 13.5% on Harvesting Tool

• 9.5% on Emotes (dances)

How much time do they spend playing?

• Players spend an average of 8-10hrs per week playing.

• 25.3% of Fortnite players pay for a twitch.tv subscription to watch other people play Fortnite.

Let’s break a few of these things down to put into perspective.

First, these “in-game” purchases are only for appearance sake and give the player no advantage in winning the game.

Yes, all the skins, gliders, emotes, etc. do nothing to help them in the game. This is a difficult concept for older generations to grasp, but for Gen Z these are just as important as winning.

A student’s social status around the game thrives on two things, wins and skins. (Squad wins do not count in this social currency).

When students talk about Fortnite or even play together, they are looking for someone to be envious of their characters “skin” or emote.

It is purely a pride thing for these students. If they can’t impress people with how many wins, then they think, “I’m going to look good playing it.”

For those parents who do not see how the currency exchange happens from US dollars to V-Bucks here is a breakdown:

• $10.00 equals 1,000 V-Bucks

• Most Legendary Skins or Gliders will cost 3,000 V-Bucks

• Epic Skins or Gliders will cost 2,500 V-Bucks.

These are significant purchases happening within a free game.

The second thing to draw attention to is that 25.3% of Fortnite players are paying another service, twitch.tv, to watch other people play the game.

If you are unfamiliar, there are two primary places that you can watch professional and amateur video game players, twitch.tv and YouTube.

Both of these sites allow content providers (gamers) to easily stream LIVE or upload content to share with their audience. twitch.tv allows users to pay a monthly subscription to view any and all of its site’s content.

However, Twitch’s content is mostly Fortnite streamers.

As of June 2018, 49% of Twitch’s content was solely Fortnite.

From the novice and casual gamer, like myself, to the paid and sponsored professional, anyone and everyone who wants to stream the game can.

This brings a new concept to parenting that has not been much of a concern until late – the touchable celebrity. For older generations celebrities from tv and film were untouchable.

I, of course, mean that the viewer never really had a way to interact or connect with them on an on-going basis. Letter writing, fan pages/groups, or going to New York or Hollywood were the only ways to possibly connect with these superstars.

However, since these gaming celebrities are connecting to people through these social media mediums, fans can connect and interact like never before. Following or subscribing to one of these gamers allows you to chat with them and other fans while they play.

Imagine being able to chat with your favorite running back on the sideline after an amazing play or share your feelings about a home run right after it happens.

I use this illustration of an athlete because gaming or eSports is a growing trend and considered by many as an actual sport.

If you don’t think that gaming is a professional sport, you’ll have to take that up to ESPN, who featured Tyler “ninja” Blevins (the most popular Fortnite gamer) on the cover of their magazine on Sept 21st, 2018.

FORTNITE IS PROFESSIONAL

As a parent, you may see your student or hear your student playing this game and think it’s purely a game. However, to them and many others, they may see this as a profession.

Since this game is so easily shared and streamed, Fortnite is a money maker for people who are great at the game or just entertaining to watch.

When it comes to “YouTubers” or “Streamers,” students are not always looking for someone who is fantastic but just entertaining. Students are watching this content more than many popular tv series or Netflix specials.

According to Armchair All Americans, these are the top 5 most popular Fortnite players in the world.

1. Ninja – 12.8 million Twitch subscribers

2. FaZe Tfue – 4.1 million Twitch subscribers

3. TSM Myth – 4.6 million Twitch subscribers

4. TSM Hamlinz – 1.5 million Twitch subscribers

5. FaZe Jaomock – 210,631 Twitch subscribers

Notice that the number of subscribers on Twitch varies. This is evidence of their entertainment value more than win value.

Four of these gamers (2-5) all have a “clan tag” before their name. This means that they play for a specific group, clan, or team and other professional sports teams often own these teams.

For example, “Clutch Gaming” is an eSports team that is owned by the NBA Team, The Houston Rockets.

The professional attention is drawing students in more and more of the possibility to play professionally.

This future possibility grows brighter when Universities and Colleges offer eSport programs and competitive varsity teams on the Division I level – schools such as the University of Oklahoma, University of North Texas, Ohio State University, Boise State University, and many others. Students may be rookies at home but learn to be professionals in school.

In 2019, Fortnite will join the list of eSport Competitive games that will be played on the national and global scale.

Epic Games, Fortnite’s creators, are putting up 100 million in prize money as this game enters the eSports arena. This will be the most substantial prize money offered in eSport competitions to-date.

FORGET FORTNITE

So where do we go from here?

I believe that Fortnite is not a game or even a season in your student’s life that you, as the parent, can bury your head in the sand until it passes; you would be there too long! Instead, we need to lean into it with our student.

Here are a few things that can brighten this picture for any parent.

1. Commitment isn’t lacking.

As a parent, you can look at the amount of time they are spending on Fortnite as an addiction, or you can see it as commitment.

Commitment is a concept that we want our students to grasp — a commitment to the right friends, school-work, their relationship with Jesus, etc. So, as you talk to your student about the game and the time they spend point them to what this type of commitment may look like in other areas of their life.

We want them passionate and committed to the right things and showing them what commitment looks like through this game may help them see what it takes in other areas.

2. They are building more than Forts.

As your student plays this game, they are learning to play with others. It seems a bit silly, but they are playing with others (whether they know them or not), and they have to act and react either positively or negatively to what they do.

Sounds a bit like real-life right?

It may seem strange, but they are learning to interact with others with different worldviews, cultures, and languages.

Spend time with them, watching them play, and discuss the choices and actions they make to have teachable moments with them.

3. Don’t be a noob.

A noob, someone who is just beginning a game or activity, is not what you should be as a parent.

Grab a controller and learn to play. It is clearly a game that, statistically speaking, your student will not mind watching you play, and it will connect the two of you better around this topic.

Meeting our students where they are is just as important in the digital field of play as the real-life field of play is. Your student may not want to throw a football with you but would love watching you play a video game.

Soak up these moments and jump in the game!

What Do You Want Your Kids to Remember Most About Easter?

The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

We moved into a new house about six months ago, which means we’ve been unpacking boxes for oh … about six months. The unmarked boxes are my favorite because it’s like Christmas wondering what will be inside when we open them. Now that we’re finally feeling more settled on the inside of the house, my husband and I decided it was time to address the outside this past weekend. As he headed off with his chainsaw to tackle the dense wooded areas, I went to the garage to look for something to put weeds in as I pulled them. I glanced around the garage and my eyes quickly landed on the perfect bucket, three of them, in fact. They were my kids’ Easter baskets stacked in the corner: a blue one, a white one, and a pink one. (Not sure why they ended up there when we moved, but there they were.)

Now, just in case you’re envisioning beautifully woven wicker Easter baskets—don’t. These are just plastic pails with a handle and some sort of Easter décor stamped on the outside. I bought them super cheap at the grocery store when my kids were very young and wrote their names on them with a Sharpie. (That’s as close as I’ll ever get to monogramming anything.) I grabbed the white bucket without thinking much about it and off I went to pull weeds.

It was about my third bucket of weeds that I sat back and looked at my son’s name written across his Easter pail. I let my mind go back to family egg hunts and Sunday dinners, the huge egg dashes at the church, early mornings digging through goodies, new, brightly colored outfits, lining the kids up to take their picture… so many sweet, sweet memories.

Then I thought about what Easter Sunday will look like this year, now that my son will be 20 next month, followed by sisters of 18 and 15. I’ll still fill their pails with goodies (after I wash away the weeds, of course), but my son will be at his church, in his college town of Athens, Georgia, where he leads a high school small group. My girls’ Easter outfits will have been replaced with t-shirts representing the environments where they serve at our church. A lazy afternoon, picnicking on the bank of the lake is more our speed now rather than an egg hunt and a big dinner.

Many traditions have come and gone, but one thing—the most important thing—remains …

The true story of Easter.

While there will be no egg hunt or frilly dresses in our home this year, it will still be Easter because there will be the story.

The story of how the Son of God became a man,
a friend,
a teacher,
a healer,
a sacrifice,
all so we can know God and be with Him forever.

As I sat and looked at that bucket filled with weeds, I said a thank you to God for all the memories and for helping us focus on what mattered most: the one thing that we wanted our kids to carry in their hearts forever.

Jesus is God’s Son.
He loved.
He died.
He lives.

If you’re a parent of a young child, it may be hard to imagine an Easter without egg hunts and a house filled with family. I get it. I never imagined I’d be using my son’s Easter basket to hold weeds one day. But the day will come when your traditions will have slowly transitioned into new ways to celebrate, and you’ll be left with what you valued most over the years you had with your kids.

So what do you want your kids to remember most about Easter? If you choose for it to be God’s story of salvation, I promise you won’t feel the tiniest bit bad about there being weeds in their baskets because of the immense joy you’ll have knowing God’s story is in their heart.

Asking For Forgiveness From My Kids ... Again

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

I yelled at my kids tonight.

It started before the mouthwash spilled all over the floor, my jeans, and my new shirt.

That I have an issue with anger and emotional control is not something I’ve kept secret. But it’s still painfully destructive in my own home: “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down” (Proverbs 14:1).

So when my blood pressure had returned to an appropriate range and I determined the mouthwash only minimally soaked my front, I called all of my kids to our little loveseat. Some of them crawled out of bed. They piled around me like puppies. And I took the time—again, like I have to do so often—to apologize to them and ask for forgiveness.

Then, I led us in praying and repenting to God. It was duly needed for all of us.

I thanked my kids for forgiving me—also not so bad a quality to practice—and ended with tickling them into screaming laughter.

As I backed out of their room in the dark later, I yowled in pain after stepping on an electrical plug someone had left in the doorway. My second son was quick on the draw: “Still love me?” He collapsed in giggles.

None of this, I’m afraid, undoes what I did.

I wish I could take away my eruptive lack of self-control, or the way I morphed instantly into a drill sergeant. I wish I could subtract what I modeled for my kids. But what still remained in my power were two words: “I’m sorry.”

THIS CONTENT WAS TAKEN FROM THE PARTICIPANT MANUAL FOR FAMILYLIFE'S ART OF PARENTING. 

Their sin doesn’t justify mine

A family that practices repentance keep short accounts with each other, apologizing quickly and sincerely. The point of apologizing to my kids even when they’re in trouble isn’t at all to detract them from their sin. They need to grow up with my willing confession as the norm, to give them the knowledge that Mom requires a Savior as much as they do. An awareness of the log in my eye—even when my children or spouse are the offenders—is biblically commanded (Matthew 7:1-5).

So take it a step further, even, than those two critical words. Deliberately ask for forgiveness, and then humbly and verbally extend forgiveness: “I want you to know that I completely forgive you, and that I believe God forgives you, too.”

I guess it can sound a little hokey when we’re not used to using such language in our homes, but that’s my point. Should it be?

Call me an idealist, but I’d like this replication of Christ’s words to become the norm, a chance to apply the gospel to myself and to my loved ones daily.

Three Words to Repeat When Your Child Moves Away From You

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

By Kara Powell and Steve Argue
Adapted from Growing With: Every Parent’s Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in their Family, Faith, and Future (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2019).

“But I don’t want to ride with you. I want to keep riding with my cousins.”

It was day three of my (Kara’s) extended family vacation, and two of our kids were happy to ride with me and my husband. But Krista tossed her beach backpack over her shoulder and stood six feet away from our car. With her arms crossed and her hazel eyes cool with determination, our 14-year-old bluntly told us that she liked riding with her cousins better.

My feelings would have hurt even if we had been home. But losing valuable family time during one of our few precious (and expensive!) vacation days was a slap in the face to my pride and my hopes for family warmth.

I had a 3-D picture in my mind of what our vacation was supposed to be like. Krista’s assertion of her independence—a normal and appropriate tendency for an eighth grader—was ripping that image into shreds.

If you’ve been a parent for long, you know what it means for your child to move away from you. Your child’s growth in independence is both normal and good for them. But it’s simultaneously painful and hard for you.

In our new book Growing With, we champion a goal of “withing” in family relationships, meaning that family members grow in supporting each other as our children grow more independent.

Whether it’s our third grader who no longer wants us to walk them to school, our seventh grader who no longer waves to us when we show up to practice, or our high school graduate who is physically moving out of the house, how can we parents continue to grow with our children even as they become more independent?

In those family moments that have the potential to pull us apart, we who want to grow with our kids are wise to heed psychologist Lisa Damour’s counsel for parents of girls—advice that we believe is relevant for parents and stepparents of sons and daughters alike:

Your daughter needs a wall to swim to, and she needs you to be a wall that can withstand her comings and goings. Some parents feel too hurt by their swimmers, take too personally their daughter’s rejections, and choose to make themselves unavailable to avoid going through it again. . . . But being unavailable comes at a cost. . . . Their daughters are left without a wall to swim to and must navigate choppy—and sometimes dangerous—waters all on their own.

Like all relationships, those with our maturing kids ebb and flow emotionally. As I found at the beach with Krista, sometimes when our independence-seeking child moves away from us, they don’t just let go and drift; they kick off the wall. And they kick hard. So hard that it hurts, leaving us feeling cracked, dented, and leaky. We love our children more than we ever dreamed possible, so when they turn their backs on us—whether for an hour-long car drive on vacation, or simply choosing to go to the mall with friends instead of us—the pain can be more than we can bear.

Motivated by either our anger or self-protection, it’s tempting to turn our backs on our kids when they turn their backs on us. Instead of being a wall for our kids to return to, we put up walls that keep them away.

In the midst of our trip to a coastal paradise, everything in me wanted to punish Krista.
To shame her into getting in the backseat.
Or take away her phone as a consequence for her attitude.
Or verbally lash out at her so she understood how she had hurt me.
Or ignore her and shower my attention on her brother, sister, and cousins. (That would really show her!)
Or all of the above.

I’m sure that in my disappointment, traces of all those so-called parenting strategies seeped into my interactions with Krista. But in the midst of my frustration, and even a few parental threats, I mentally repeated this withing mantra that I felt the Lord brought to mind: Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to. Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to.

Krista remained aloof for the next 24 hours. She rode in the car with my brother and his wife, not us. When I walked toward her, she picked up her phone and started texting a friend.

It took everything in me not to aggressively confront her or passively distance myself from her. Especially when I did the math on the daily cost of our vacation.

Be a wall. 

Be a wall she can come back to.

I became riveted on these three words: “Be a wall.”

With two days left on the trip, Krista did come back. I can’t point to why it happened. There was no breakthrough conversation. No heartfelt apology. No fantastic sunset walk along the beach that changed everything. Krista simply started to act like herself. Whatever thoughts and feelings had deepened the rift between us seemed to disappear. I’m so glad that during the four days Krista was distant from us, I didn’t say or do something that would create a permanent barrier between me and my teenager.

While Jesus is the ultimate “wall” we want our kids to cling to, during the ups and downs of our vacation all I could do was cling to this withing phrase: Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to. But that phrase gave me enough courage to continue to be available for Krista—asking her periodic questions, affirming her contributions to our extended family’s fun and conversations, and smiling in her direction—all of which were cues I hoped would prompt Krista to reach for me when she was ready.

And when she was ready, she indeed did reach for me. Repeating “Be a wall” to myself helped me be the stable force she needed, and helped me choose withing over drifting.

How to Communicate in a Way That Values Your Relationships

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcur.org.

I think it’s kind of fun that God puts families into a little box called a home—where they bump into each other daily for years on end—and tells them to love each other. Nice experiment.

It’s always amazed me that many of us have a tendency to communicate least graciously with the people who are closest to us. When you are in close quarters, small irritants often become large issues, and we end up speaking to our family in a way we would never communicate with anyone else. And who are we often most kind toward? Perfect strangers. Go figure.

How we communicate is as, or more important, than what we communicate. I’m not saying truth doesn’t matter (it does), but isn’t it true that sometimes you can say exactly the right thing in precisely the wrong way?

Ironically, when we do that, we often accomplish the opposite of what we intended. It strains the relationship and provokes resistance. Be honest, when someone tells you what to do in an ungracious way, doesn’t it make you want to do the opposite? And we wonder why our kids resist us.

One of the best things a parent can do is communicate in a way that gives the relationship value. Over the next few days, monitor not what you communicate, but how you communicate with your family.

In the meantime, think about what your biggest trigger is. In what ways do you struggle with communicating with each other at home?

For me, it’s often when things aren’t picked up, cleaned up, or in order. A little bomb goes off inside of me, and the shrapnel has a way of leaking out. I may be right in principle, but how I communicate it is all wrong. Thinking about how I want to respond in those moments before they happen helps me pause and respond in a better way.

But the truth remains that we’re going to get it wrong sometimes. We’re imperfect humans.

Fortunately, one of the best ways you can communicate you value the relationship in those moments is to be ready and armed with some of the most powerful relationship-building words you could say: “I’m sorry.”

A Day in the Life of a Working Mom

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

5:37 a.m. The alarm sounds. Wipe the crust from my eyes and try to remind myself why a working mom like me is rolling out of bed while the house is still quiet. I could get at least another hour of good sleep.

5:51 Fill up my water bottle and head for the gym. I want my kids to know that moms are healthy, too. This is my “me time” for the day.

6:48 As I pull into the garage, a blonde-headed smiler peeks her head out of the kitchen door.  “Momma,” she squeals and darts out dragging her blanket across the garage debris. That’s okay because we’ll wash it … well never. My four-year-old can’t live without it, so I’ll just shake off the dried spider and call it good.

6:49  Kiss my husband good morning. Add an extra hug because he has coffee brewing. Then kiss him goodbye as he heads to work for the day.

7:03 Nod along while brushing my teeth to my six-year-old’s telling of Polly Pocket borrows Barbie’s car to take her baby sister to the zoo to see T-Rex and meet a firefighter buying a snow cone.

7:53 How is it almost 8?! Seven minutes to throw on a wrinkled shirt I left in the dryer too long. I pair it with wedges and cute earrings, hoping that will look like I tried for work today.

7:59 With a mouthful of granola bar breakfast, I welcome the nanny. After describing how to drop the girls off for vacation Bible school, I leave $20 for her to take the girls to lunch. Kiss and squeeze two girls who I’ll miss all day long. Still nightgowned, they wave and blow me kisses from the garage step.

At the office

8:05 Coffee. Wait where’s my coffee? Check my Google calendar. I note that my first meeting doesn’t start till 8:30, so I drive through Starbucks on the way to the office.

8:12 The barista knows me by my drive-through voice. He asks if I have the girls or not. What he means is, “Do you need two cookies straws with your iced coffee?” “It’s a workday,” I remind him.

8:32 Slip into the last open seat at my meeting. Pull out my laptop from my purse and drag a stray Elsa sock and old sucker with it. My coworkers laugh knowingly. At least one of them is a working mom, too.

11:23 Text my friend to confirm lunch plans. In clinical talk, she’s helping me sort through my daughter’s sensory sensitivities. Mom talk means she’s helping me keep it together when my daughter completely melts down because her sock is too itchy and her ponytail feels too tight for the millionth morning in a row. Phew! Thankful to be in this together.

11:48 Text the nanny to be see how VBS went. Ogle over the cute pictures she sends me of my kids and marvel with my lunch date how socks never seem to itch when my daughter is with anyone else. Lucky for them. And me, too, because I need to keep a good nanny!

2:30 Soaking up the quiet desk hours while I can. Quiet time is hard to come by for a woman in demand at work and at home.

What’s for dinner?

4:33 p.m. Start wondering what we’ll have for dinner. I have no idea if I remembered to thaw the chicken. Pack up my computer to head for home.

4:52 Tackled welcome by swimsuited little girls who’ve been running through the backyard sprinkler. See? We have the best nanny! But those girls are hungry! So what am I making for dinner?

5:07 Scoot two chairs over to the kitchen counter for my chefs in training. One cracks eggs into a bowl. One lines biscuits onto the baking pan. “But biscuits are for breakfast,” she suggests. “Not tonight, sweetie. We’re making breakfast for dinner.” Her eyes grow wide with excitement. I love how the little things are such a delight to them. Instead of a dinner fail, they see it as dinner treat.

5:28 The girls’ ears detect the faintest sound of a Jeep turning onto our road. “DADDY!!!” they yell and rush to the window. They tackle him welcome too and brag about eggs and hash browns for a surprise.

5:35 Eight hands lock together around the table. We give thanks for each other and the plates in front of us. The youngest ends with her rote recitation: “God is great. God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. Amen.”  My husband winks at me with a swig of orange juice on his lips. “I saw the chicken in the freezer this morning,” he says, “But I had my heart set on eggs for dinner, too.”

Bedtime prayers

7:18 Shower time. The girls argue over who starts the water, who rinses her hair first, who squirts the conditioner, who gets to turn the water off, and who gets to brush the baby doll’s hair.

7:28 We coax two clean, bickering girls from the shower. Dress them in PJs and pour cups of bedtime milk.

7:43 Four of us snuggle into our oldest’s full-size bed for three Bible stories and bedtime prayers. Each girl requests that I say a special prayer for her sister. One for the sister’s skinned knee. Another for the sister’s upcoming spelling test. I add on a prayer that they’ll both sleep through the night and a sincere thank you for the daily motherhood privilege that belongs to me.

8:20 Kitchen clean up time while the husband and I unhash our days. Settle on the couch to watch a rerun of Fixer Upper or Master Chef.

9:50 Spread out blanket pallets on the floor for our nighttime sleepwalkers. Together thank God for today and ask Him for the faith for tomorrow so we can live up another regular day with gratitude and courage.

The days are tiring but they’re worth it. Making memories, teaching our children, passing on our faith to the next generation, is what our moments are made of. In the midst of each busy second, I try to focus on fully living in every single one.

How To Be An Intentional Parent With Your Words

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Excerpted from Intentional Parenting, by Doug and Cathy Fields

Whoever made up the saying “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” was an idiot. Words are powerful and memorable. We remember words that are pointed and positive. We also remember words that are sharp and negative.The human brain processes physical and emotional pain in a similar way. This means that negative words can literally hurt and cause pain because our brains perceive little difference. Just as physical wounds leave scars, so do the emotional wounds caused by the misuse of words. This is consistent with what the Scriptures say:

“Thoughtless words cut deeply like a thrusting sword, but the speech of the wise is a healing balm.” (Proverbs 12:18, The Voice)

When it comes to your words, are you reacting in the moment and saying the first thing that pops into your head, or are you choosing words that are helpful and healing?Intentional parents understand that words are powerful, and that their choice of words can either build confidence in their children or destroy their hope.

This doesn’t mean that your words can’t ever be direct or negative. There are times when parents need to use words that are directive, instructional, and necessary. But if you find yourself always repeating the same directive, if you are constantly “on their case,” you may be conditioning your children to avoid you. Just like you, kids would rather be with people who enjoy, encourage, and speak kindly to them. Intentional parents need to ask constantly, “What is the most encouraging way to say this?”

One simple thing you can do is make a plan or script for situations you know will arise. Think through how you will respond with respect to your child when:

• He is late getting ready for school.
• The cleanliness of her room doesn’t meet your standards.
• You have asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Start by asking yourself: In each of these situations that could cause frustration, how could a careful choice of words on my part change the outcome of the situation?What would need to change within me to be a parent who uses positive words?

Using words that are positive and life-giving will require some practice. You may need to develop a new vocabulary as well as some new coping skills for when you’re frustrated and angry. As difficult as this might be, your positive words will result in positive impact. Because your words are way too powerful to not give them considerable thought.

WANT MORE?
For practical ideas on becoming an intentional parent, rather than relying on the quick fix, check out Intentional Parenting: 10 Ways to be an Exceptional Parent in a Quick-Fix World by Doug and Cathy Fields.

Helping Kids Come Alive

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.”

That’s what Donovan sang way back in 1965. Sure—on the surface, it’s a sweet ode to his true love. But let’s be honest. He might as well have been singing about being a parent.

I know I’ve felt that way about my own kids. I want to guide them as they move through every new phase of life. Deep down, I really want to understand them. But if I ever think I’m getting this dad thing right, it just as quickly slips through my grasp.

Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

I’m not sure what I expected it to be like—getting to know my kids. I guess I figured that on some level, they would be miniature versions of me. I didn’t really think about the fact that they would be always changing . . . always growing . . . always becoming.

In hindsight, I think I underestimated God. I don’t think I fully appreciated the depth of His creativity. But I do now. I see it every day in my two girls—in their unfolding identity, and in all their beautiful complexity. Parenting them is constantly surprising. Sometimes it’s baffling. But it’s certainly never boring.

I guess I should have seen it coming. I’m not the same person now that I was when I was 8, or 12, or even 25. I have a back story of my own. And I’ve also seen first-hand what the support of loved ones can do along the way. I’ve seen how others can draw out the best parts of us, while also lifting us up when we fall.

I can look back now and see how God hard-wired me for certain things—some of which I’m still discovering to this day.

For example, I’ve always loved music. Some of that was just IN me . . . but it took supportive adults to help it grow. I remember my piano teacher, and the sacrifices my parents made so I could take lessons with her. I remember my high school band teacher, too. He opened my eyes to the world of jazz . . . but he also showed me how music could help you express things you couldn’t say any other way. And, of course, I remember the exhilaration and untamed freedom I felt when I first fired up an electric guitar with my friends.

When I take stock of my life from a wider view, I can see a pattern that I think is significant. My parents and teachers did it right. They identified the things in me that made me come alive.

You see, I’ve spent a lot of time doing things that didn’t necessarily bring me joy . . . or maybe stretched me in unhealthy ways. Some of that is part of the unpredictability of life, and the ebb and flow of different seasons. But as a dad, I want to do what all those supportive people did in my foundational years. I want to identify the things in my kids that they might not even see in themselves. I want to help them discover those things and then learn how to use them in constructive ways.

What I really want to know is . . . what makes my kids come alive?

What are those unique traits that God hard-wired in my girls? How can I encourage each of them to embrace the way they were made? And who are some other people who can come alongside them and encourage them—maybe even in a way that I can’t?

My kids were made in the image of God, just like me. Trying to understand them can sometimes seem like a moving target. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop trying. After all, that might one of my most favorite things about being a parent: anticipating the thousands of tomorrows we’ll have together . . . as we get to know each other all over again.

Helping Your Children in the Discovery of Their Mission

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

On the February 21-22 broadcast of FamilyLife Today, Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine mention ways to help your kids think missionally about life. Here is the list, from the Rainey’s newest book, The Art of Parenting.

Here are some ideas for helping your children to discover their mission:

1. Evaluate your own life.
Are you a person on a mission? How would you describe the mission God has given you? Are you excited about fulfilling God’s mission, and are you talking about it with your children as you do life together?

2. Ask God to give you discernment to spot your children’s gifts, abilities, passions, and burdens—their “missional DNA”—as they begin to emerge.
Begin to rough out a picture of who they are and what they truly seem to care about. What lights their fire? Start a digital diary where you can enter ideas and observations about your child’s talents and passions. It may take a while, but the “missional DNA” will begin to emerge.

3. Affirm and encourage your child when you see him or her operating in what appears to be a sweet spot of his or her gifts and wiring.
This will become increasingly important during the awkward years of adolescence when nearly all teens need someone speaking truth to them. Don’t be surprised if your child has difficulty believing it.

4. Use a date night with your spouse to sharpen your inventory of your child’s life.
Discuss what each of you are observing in your child, and talk about how you can better develop your child’s gifts, talents, and passions.

5. Live your own life “on mission.”
Talk about what your mission is at the dinner table, as you run errands with your kids, or perhaps on a date with your child. Talk about your passions, your dreams, and how you’ve developed your mission over your lifetime. If possible, consider inviting your child to join you in executing your mission. If you are looking for additional reading material on this subject, dig into Dennis’s book Choosing a Life That Matters and Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life.

6. Fan the flames of your child’s dreams.
Perhaps ask, “If you could do anything in the world and couldn’t fail, what would you do and why?” Or read this quote from A. W. Tozer at the dinner table and discuss: “God is looking for those with whom He can do the impossible—what a pity that we plan only the things that we can do by ourselves.”

7. If possible, use testing services as children move into their middle teens and beyond.
This was invaluable to us in presenting an objective view of one child’s gifts and motivations. Ultimately, it helped us know how to encourage and motivate that child.

8. Encourage and affirm small and big steps of faith.
Stepping up and out in faith to use a gift can feel very risky to some children. Memorize Hebrews 11:6 with your children and applaud them when they show initiative.

9. Teach how to process failures—and that they are not final.
Don’t rescue children from failure; it may be one of the best tutors in their lives. Study men and women who failed. For example, Thomas Edison failed thousands of times before he ultimately succeeded in inventing the light bulb.

10. Be a person of faith, too.
We had to deal with our fears when our son came home from college and said he wanted to go live in Estonia, the former Soviet state, for a year and help introduce students to Jesus Christ. He worked with students at Tallinn University in Estonia’s capitol.

You may be surprised to learn that parents are the number one reason college graduates don’t go into the ministry—Christian parents block their kids from going. Personally, we wouldn’t want to be the parents blocking one of our children from doing what God had called him or her to do!

11. Pray with and for your child, for the fulfillment of God’s mission for his or her life. 

12. Read Ephesians 2:10 as a family and assign an older child (a teenager) to lead the family in a devotion about it a couple of weeks later.
Then talk about how each would apply that passage of Scripture to his or her life.

Do the same with Matthew 6:33 and Matthew 28:19-20. Note the context of this latter passage, where Jesus gave His Great Commission as He spoke His last words to His disciples: “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

13. Discuss this Ethiopian proverb at dinner:
“The feet take a person where one’s heart is.”

14. Assign one of your childrento read Katie Davis Majors’s book Daring to Hopeand then give a report about it to the family.
Tighten your seat belts, for this is quite a story of faith by a remarkable young lady.