7 Ways to Know if Your Kids Will Choose Church in College

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

The very fact you’re asking if your kids will go to church in college reveals a couple things. First, you care. Within your heart is a profound longing for your kids to stay tethered to the local church and to continue to make their faith their own. This is honorable and right.

Second, you sense something is awry in the culture. You’ve detected trends in society that aren’t leading your kids toward the local church in college, but away from it. You’re spot-on. If worshiping consistently at a local church has ever been an uphill battle, it’s now. And our kids are in the thick of it.

But let’s not complicate things. Kids do what they like. Why can’t that be church?

Upon graduating from high school, our kids will see going to church in college as naturally as eating food and taking showers if we take care of a few things on the front end. Although we know there are no guarantees.

Still, consider these 7 questions as guides for helping you launch your kids toward cherishing church in college too.

1. Is Christianity real in your home?

Your kids can sniff out poser-Christianity quicker than you can say, “Amen.” If the gospel of grace isn’t found in the home, there will always be a disconnect between your student and church.

In their minds, church wields no power if it can’t even affect your day to day at home. Not if the “Christian stuff” done on Sunday isn’t consistent with the rest of the week.

This doesn’t mean Bible studies twice a day, every day, or “household corporate worship time!” Please, don’t check off more formalities in place of true, and sometimes messy, faith modeled in your home.

Are we, the parents, quick to confess our temper-flares? Do we display growth (however slowly) in our own spiritual walks with Jesus? Do we let our kids in on that? Are we interested in making our lives about us or about God? As evidenced by how we spend our money, how we spend our time, how we view others …

If kids see real faith, they notice. It’s irrefutable, attractive, and they’ll want to follow.

2. Is church a priority to you right now?

It’s standard leadership advice that our followers (in this case, our kiddos) are always three steps behind. They’re never quite at our level.  This means if we’re only making 35 Sundays each year, they’ll (instinctively) make 20 when they are on heading to church in college on their own.

In other words, to expect our kids to improve on the church attendance model we showed them is, frankly, fantasy. That said, it is possible. But don’t count on it.

I, for one, am one such an anomaly. In God’s goodness, a few fantastic friends surrounded me in the first few weeks of college. It’s hard to sleep in on a Sunday morning when someone is pelting your face with a pillow, screaming, “Service starts in eleven minutes! C’mon!”

3. Who surrounds your kids?

I forgot who said it, but it’s worth repeating: you are the average of your closest five friends. Parents, it’s our duty now to help filter our kids’ friends.

While the hammer should be used sparingly here, an apathetic mindset could lead your kid down a destructive path. This isn’t to say your kid shouldn’t befriend nonbelievers—quite the opposite!

But they need an A-team friend group. It’s difficult to argue with Proverbs 13:20: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise.” Practically, communal belief is a real thing.

There’s this undeniable social phenomenon that if the people you’re surrounded with believe X, so will you.  In his book, Evangelism in a Skeptical World, Sam Chan says, “People will find a story more believable if … their trusted friends and family … also believe the story” (p. 43). Help surround your kids with characters in the story of God’s incredible mission through the local church.

4. Is church a safe place?

Honestly, if your church has an air of legalism about it, where the rules are crushing and the self-righteousness is repulsive, fresh birds from the nest are going to scurry for the hills. Teens have no palate for gross religiosity.

If, however, the free gospel of grace in Jesus is both preached and felt, life without it feels wrong. Our kids will crave it. How can they not? There’s nothing else like it!

For this reason, position your family in a church where the gospel is in the doctrine and in the culture. This takes precedence over location, music-style, or “but my friends go here!” This will make them yearn for a church in college like this too.

5. Are your kids engaged in church?

I attended an Arkansas Razorback football game last season. Does that make me a Razorback? Of course not! In the same way, sitting in a chair every Sunday morning doesn’t make your student a Christian. Nor does it tether your kid to the local church.

However central Sunday morning worship is to your student, they need to serve, participate, and engage, too. Are your teens serving in children’s ministry? If you’re renting a space, are they helping set up? Are they active in the youth group? What’s the last mission trip they served on?

Here’s the truth: the more your kids are engaged in church, the more they are engaged with God, God’s people, and God’s mission. If your student can get the why of church—as opposed to, “It’s just that tradition we have for Sunday morning”—they’re more likely to engage in church in college once independent.

6. Do you prioritize your kids’ spiritual growth?

Often, students aren’t engaged in church (see #4 above) because of their busy schedules. Parents, this is something we need to deeply consider.

The chief struggle for today’s youth pastors is that parents aren’t prioritizing their kids’ spiritual lives. I know, I know. This is coming from a youth pastor (hidden agenda, muhaha). But, truly, in my experience, the almighty college resume is bowed to over spiritual growth nine times out of ten.

Sorry, Justin, but Curtis will miss the next three zillion youth groups because of debate team. No, Madeline can’t do the Honduras trip this summer … she might make regionals in ballet!

I get it. I’m not trying to combat the world here. It’s always good things on the schedule. But with this model, why are we appalled at the statistics? Kids leave church because they don’t value it … because they weren’t taught to value it. Will you be different?

7. Are their big questions being answered?

Your kids do have big questions. Who am I? Where did I come from? Do I matter? What is my identity? How should I view others?

And someone is giving them answers. Is it you or the culture?

We, the church, must lean into the hairy questions rattling around in their heads. Let’s strive to create an environment where it’s safe to express doubts, fears, and questions. Faith rots when doubts and questions are kept silent.

Parents, start now. Ask them what they are asking. If they stump you, go study up and come back. You aren’t the Bible Wizard. But you are the caring parent, tenderly hushing the chaos inherent to growing up in a fallen world.

Read through these questions. Pray fervently as you do. Consider your lifestyle, their lifestyle, and take a step today. With His gracious help, all the hope in the world is yours for the taking.

Don't Give Up Praying for Your Children

* The following article was copied from www.desiringgod.org.

Several years ago I wrote an article suggesting seven things we parents can pray for our children. I still personally find them helpful. However, in making these suggestions, I included a qualifier:

Of course, prayers are not magic spells. It’s not a matter of just saying the right things and our children will be blessed with success. Some parents earnestly pray and their children become gifted leaders or scholars or musicians or athletes. Others earnestly pray and their children develop a serious disability or disease or wander through a prodigal wilderness or just struggle more than others socially or academically or athletically. And the truth is, God is answering all these parents’ prayers, but for very different purposes.

The more time passes, the more crucial this qualifier becomes for me. The more accumulated time I spend in Scripture, the more I read history, and the more I observe as I grow older, the less confidence I place in my perceptions of how things appear at any given point.

Trusting God, Not My Perceptions

I’ve lived long enough now to have watched a number of movements within evangelicalism surge and decline. I’ve seen numerous leaders rise and fall. I’ve seen spiritually zealous twentysomethings who got off to a strong, solid start become spiritually disillusioned thirty- or forty-somethings and falter, some abandoning the faith altogether. And I’ve seen spiritually disinterested, and in some cases dissolute, youth become spiritually vibrant, mature adults.

I’ve also been in close proximity to many parents who have raised children to adulthood. I’ve seen children of faithful, prayerful parents reject their parents’ faith, and I’ve seen children of unfaithful parents embrace Christ and follow him in spite of the profound pain they have experienced. This hasn’t made me skeptical of parental faithfulness, but it has made me less given to formulas.

“God is trustworthy, and what I think I see at any given time is not.”

And perhaps more than all that, I’ve also observed myself pass through various seasons of my own life. I’ve had seasons when I was full of faith and enthusiasm, and seasons of discouragement when I was a man of “little faith” (Matthew 6:30). I’ve endured seasons of dark depression and even faith crises. Well into middle age, one thing I know about myself is that I am “beset with weakness” (Hebrews 5:2). I can bear witness that God has been unfailingly faithful to me with regard to his word, even though I have frequently not been faithful in trusting him.

Yes, I’ve learned that God is trustworthy, but my perceptions regularly are not. I’ve learned — or more accurately, I’m learning — not to assume too much when it comes to human beings, myself included. Jesus set the example, for he “on his part did not entrust himself to [people] . . . for he himself knew what was in man” (John 2:24–25).

This is an invaluable lesson when it comes to praying for my children.

Parenting Pushed Me to Prayer

I am the father of five wonderful human beings. They are wonderful to me, not because they are prodigies I can boast in, but because they are human beings, “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God himself through the inscrutable historic process and genetic legacy of countless generations of fearful and wonderful humans — of which my wife and I are only the most recent contributors (Psalm 139:14). Sometimes I just stop and observe them, in awe of what and who they are, quite apart from what they do.

They are very much their own persons, very different from each other and their parents. They have unique temperaments, unique strengths and weaknesses, unique interests, and unique proclivities.

“If our children are doing well spiritually, they are not out of the woods. If they are not doing well, their story is not over.”

Like most young parents, my wife and I began our parenting journey with an almost unconscious assumption that if we did parenting “right,” our kids would embrace all we embrace without all the wrestling and pain and questioning we went through to embrace it. Though if you would have asked me that specifically back then, I would have denied it, theoretically knowing better. It’s just hard to avoid that early optimism.

But parenting has humbled me significantly. My weaknesses and limitations, I think, are most clearly exposed in fathering. The net effect this has had is to make me less confident in my abilities and efforts, and more dependent on, feeling more desperation for, the power of God to do for my children what he has done for me — a work of grace that I know my own parents would say occurred in spite of their weaknesses and limitations.

Two of my children have launched into independent adulthood, and three are in their teenage years. Over the years, I have watched many different kinds of spiritual ebbs and flows. They have lived in the same home with the same parents, who live out their faith before them in essentially the same way. They have attended the same churches. Yet they are each walking unique spiritual paths at their own unique speeds.

Ask, Seek, Knock

And here is where a parent’s faith is tested. We of course want our children to truly love the Lord Jesus, the true Pearl of great price, with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love their neighbor as themselves (Matthew 13:45–46; Luke 10:27). We very much want them to experience this as early as possible.

But we don’t know what the best way is for each of them to learn this. We don’t know God’s purposes or his timetable for revealing himself to our children. Nor are we allowed to peer into the mystery of God’s sovereignty in election as it relates to our children (Romans 8:29–30).

But all I have observed and experienced in Scripture and in life teaches me two things: God is trustworthy, and what I think I see at any given time is not. Which means what looks encouraging to me now could very well change in the future, and what looks discouraging to me now could very well change in the future. Therefore, I stand by what I wrote in that article more than ever:

So, pray for your children. Jesus promises us that if we ask, seek, and knock, the Father will give us good in return (Luke 11:9–13), even if the good isn’t apparent for forty years.

“If we ask, seek, and knock, the Father will give us good in return, even if the good isn’t apparent for forty years.”

That last phrase reminds me of Peter Hitchens’s story of his conversion (Peter is the late Christopher Hitchens’s brother). He recounts how, as a 15-year-old, he cast off what he saw as the bonds of religious faith and zealously embraced atheism, publicly burning his Bible to announce his liberation. Then came the slow, unexpected realization well into mature adulthood that what he once thought bondage was true freedom, what he once thought liberation was, in fact, bondage, and what he once thought ignorant darkness was actually light. I doubt anyone who knew the young-adult Peter Hitchens saw that coming.

Do Not Lose Heart

So, let us not give up praying for our children. This ministry of intercession is a lifelong calling. We must not assume too much when it comes to human beings. If our children are living and doing well spiritually, they are not out of the woods. If they are living and not doing well spiritually, their story is not over. Therefore, let us “always . . . pray and not lose heart” (Luke 18:1).

God is faithful. He will never default on his word. Let us be faithful to his call on us, and let us be faithful to our children by continually petitioning God on their behalf. He will not allow such a labor, no matter what the result is that he determines in his wisdom, to be in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58).

7 Ways to Manage Screen Time This Summer

* The following article was copied from www.ministrytoparents.com.

Written by Tony Bianco

Summer is upon us, which means families’ schedules and activities look very different with camps, vacations, and more free time.

During the school year, parents set expectations for students regarding screen time, and summer is no different.

Now that summer is here, we want to give you seven ways your family can manage screen time this summer.

1. DON’T TREAT IT LIKE THE SCHOOL YEAR.

If you want to be successful this summer with your student, go in acknowledging the difference in schedules. Even if the days are jam-packed with activities as-sume your student will have full days at home.

Set expectations with them whether you are home or not. Yes, this may mean more screen time than usual – that is okay! It’s summer! They have worked and done their best throughout the year, and now they have downtime- lots of it.

Many families start by adding one hour of additional screen time per day. This progression helps gauge their dependency and responsibility with it. The be-ginning of summer will be the heaviest of use. The first few weeks are full of junk and later balance out.

2. HAVE A SYSTEM TO MONITOR.

Depending on parents’ work hours, students may find themselves home alone for several hours of the day. Use a program that assists in time limits and web filtering to manage screen time over the summer.

They are a great benefit to the whole family. If you are interested in more infor-mation, check out our blog post where we reviewed programs (https://ministrytoparents.com/how-do-i-select-a-technology-monitoring-service/).

3. ENCOURAGE COMMUNITY.

Screen time can be a solo activity, but it doesn’t have to be. Encourage your student to use screen time to connect with others, not just binge watch on the sofa.

Part of the summer experience is navigating your student and their friendships! Summer can put time and space between friends, but parents can cultivate friendships and community for their kids if they find unique ways to bring them together.

4. INVEST IN EDUCATION.

Another creative idea is to require a set amount of educational screen time. Whether it’s reading on a Kindle or Nook or working on essays – not all time has to be “wasted.”

When you reward informative with play screen time you guide what they view first. This decision leads to a win-win for both parties.

5. SET SCREEN DAYS.

If your family travels a good bit on vacations or camps, perhaps set a schedule such as Monday/Wednesday/Friday are screen days and Tuesday/Thursday are screen-free. They can use those days to do something with someone or themselves.

This idea may not work for all families but putting away devices on purpose for an extended time will help during the school year. Setting a schedule also offers your student structure.

6. OUTDOORS = SCREEN TIME

If your student struggles to go outdoors or is turning into a couch potato, create incentives. Require that your student “earn” screen time by being active out-doors and away from screens.

One example is to spend two hours outside playing basketball to earn one hour of screen time. This option gives your student motivation to be active and fill their schedule with variety as well as time off screens.

7. HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT EXPECTATIONS.

As parents, we can jump in and do things for our family without fully explaining or considering all members. When we do, we invite division and resentment ra-ther than order and structure.

When it comes to screens and the hours of time students use them, communica-tion is essential! In my experience, the more you talk and discuss thoughts and feelings for why you do something the better they go along with it.

You may not verbally share screen time expectations with your student as of now but today would be a good time to start. Use summer and the new sched-ule as an excuse to have these conversations and set boundaries.

Communication is one of the most paramount tools you have as a parent!

Summertime brings a break in the school schedule granting students a considerable amount of screen time. Parents can find these moments challenging to manage. How-ever, adopt a few of the concepts mentioned above, lean into these coming months with positivity, and you will exchange a burden for an opportunity.

If you already have set boundaries with your student then tweak them as needed. For those moving into the summer with a blank slate, this occasion could be the start of a new normal and a new way for the use of screens in the home.

As always, pray about these decisions before you make them and don’t be afraid to be transparent with your student before you introduce the guidelines.

Written by Tony Blanco

TONY BIANCO has been in Student Ministry for 10+ years with his wife Diamend with whom they have two amazing kids. He is a former Radio DJ, Technology Reviewer, GameStop Manager, Apple Store Expert, and the author of The Family Technology Plan.

4 Mistakes Parents Make with Technology

* The following article was copied from www.careynieuwhof.com.

By Jeff Henderson

Do you remember when the phone rang and you wondered who was calling? Your kids will never know that feeling. They simply look on the screen to see who it is. 

You certainly don’t need me to tell you our kids are growing up in a different world than we did.  

Technology is having a pervasive influence on all of us, especially the next generation. And while it certainly has its positive attributes, the cracks on the hearts and minds of this generation are beginning to show. 

In 2011, sociologists noticed an unprecedented increase in anxiety and depression among teenagers. As Cal Newport points out in his excellent book Digital Minimalism, the only factor that also dramatically increased at this time was the number of teenagers owning their own smartphone.  

“The use of social media and smartphones look culpable for the increase in teen mental-health issues,” said Jean Twenge, San Diego State psychology professor. In her article for the Atlantic entitled Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? she went on to add, “It’s enough for an arrest – and as we get more data, it might be enough for a conviction.” 

This new reality has caused anxiety and fear on the part of parents, and rightly so. How do we find the right balance for our kids between benefiting from technology while avoiding the danger of it?  That’s a great question. 

The goal isn’t to ban technology. The goal is to manage it. Like anything in life, when managed and led well, technology can actually be an asset to our lives.  

To get there, we need to avoid these four common mistakes parents make with technology.

How do we find the right balance for our kids between benefiting from technology while avoiding the danger of it? The goal isn’t to ban technology. The goal is to manage it.

1. ALLOWING KIDS TO TAKE PHONES INTO THEIR ROOMS

One of the best ways to manage technology use is to limit where it is used at home.  

Wendy and I made it clear to our kids that all technology stayed on the main level. There were times they “forgot” and this resulted in restrictions on their phone use. 

Plus, by reducing phone use to the main level, it created more time with us and the family versus being alone and lost in time on their phones.

Remember, the goal isn’t eliminating technology. It’s managing it. When kids take their phones into their rooms it results in more screen time. Kids don’t need more screen time. They need more family time.

The obvious pushback from kids is, “I’m bored.” Let me give you some encouragement. 

When you hear “Mom/Dad, I’m bored,” it’s a sign of great parenting.

Somewhere along the line, we equated boredom with bad parenting. It should not be our goal to entertain our kids. It’s our goal to raise them as well as we can with character, love, and care. Not only that, boredom is actually a gift. It’s the place where kids discover creativity, how to think, and where their minds are provided a time to rest.  

Also, it’s helpful to define the purpose of why kids get a phone. The ultimate goal isn’t to play games or text with friends in their room all day.  

When our kids started getting more mobile – sports practices, after-school activities, going to a friend’s house – we wanted a way to stay in touch and to track them. (Shout-out to Find My Friends where we can track where our kids are.)

Whenever our kids didn’t respond promptly to a text from us we reminded them of this primary purpose of why they had a phone. It’s a privilege and responsibility to have a phone – which we can easily take away. 

Our phones used to be attached to walls. Now, we are attached to our phones. Unattach them from your kids at home.

2. NOT KEEPING UP WITH TECHNOLOGY

Recently during a Q&A at one of our presentations, a school principal stood up and pleaded with parents to not give up but to keep up with technology. This doesn’t mean you have to know the latest Snapchat filters but it does mean you need to take the mindset of a learner. 

Remember, our kids are digital natives. They were born into this. As a result, they have a natural advantage. We are immigrants to this new land but we can learn the customs and culture.  

You don’t have to know everything but you do need to know some things. The bigger risk is not keeping up. 

If you feel like you’re behind, here’s a starter’s kit: 

• Google is your friend.

  • You can learn a lot by searching for things like “apps to worry about” or “dangerous apps for kids and teenagers.” Additionally, searching for the most popular apps for the ages of your kids will help you know what their friends are talking about.

• Participate in the apps your kids/teens are using.

  • Keeping up with technology is like learning a new language. You’ve got to start speaking the language. One of the ways to do this is by signing up for an Instagram account for example. Wendy and I not only follow our kids on social media we also follow many of their friends as well. When your kids know you’re watching what they post, it’s fantastic accountability. Also, it’s one of the ways we were made aware of Finstas – which are fake Instagram accounts.

• Ask Questions out of interest instead of judgment.

  • Be curious. Ask your kids to help you keep up with technology. Ask them, “What is the hottest app?” “How do you plan on using it?” “What’s cool about this app?

A lot of times our kids want apps just because their friends have them not because they are intentionally trying to get bad or dangerous ones. Sure, they may not want to talk about this but remind them who pays their cell phone bill and that it’s part of their job to keep you current. Trust me, this will spark the conversation.   

Google. Participate. Ask. It’s a great three-step starter kit to keep up with technology.

Keeping up with technology is like learning a new language. You’ve got to start speaking the language.

3. PARENTS DON’T MODEL THE WAY

The reason many kids are addicted to technology is because their parents are.

We are the leaders. We must model the way.  

For example, the dinner table at home should be a tech-free environment. I’m not responding to the latest text or email on my phone. It’s not the time for that.  

I’ve discovered one of the best ways to do this is simply putting the phone away in another room at home and not carrying it around with me. This allows me to resist the temptation of replying immediately to that text or call when I’m with my family. 

Additionally, your mobile device has a way for you to track your screen time week to week. Honestly, this is very convicting for Wendy and me. Some weeks are better than others. But simply knowing that number helps us shoot for something lower in the week ahead.  

The point is simply this: 

If I want my kids to understand how to manage their technology, I need to manage mine.

4. FORGETTING THAT YOU ARE THE PARENT

When Wendy and I talk about this with other parents, we often hear how difficult it’s going to be implementing the technology tips we discuss. They are absolutely correct. It’s why it’s important to remember this principle which we’ve had to remind ourselves over the years: 

Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. 

It’s wonderful and hard. Sure, I want my kids to love me but there are going to be times they might not like me. That’s okay. 

Our goal as parents in these formative years isn’t necessarily to be popular with kids. Our goal is to shepherd, guide and lead them.

I can’t tell you how many times we heard, “But Mom and Dad, all of my friends are on Snapchat. Why can’t I get on Snapchat?”

It’s helpful to pre-determine some certain milestones to help you stay strong in these moments. For example, Wendy and I had one milestone and one goal the kids had to complete before they could have a Snapchat account. First, they had to turn 16. Until then, it was a mute point. After their 16th birthday, they had to watch the sermon series, The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating by Andy Stanley. With us.  

Watching a video series with your parents about love, sex and dating would make anyone rethink whether they truly wanted a Snapchat account. The point is that these kinds of milestones and goals helped us stay strong as parents. 

After all, we can’t forget who’s in charge. We can’t forget who pays the bills. We can’t forget that we are the parents.  

It’s not easy. But remember, we didn’t sign up for easy. We signed up for worthwhile. And helping your kids navigate this new world of technology is certainly worthwhile. 

The good news is we don’t have to go it alone. There are lots of parents reading this blog post with lots of great ideas. That includes you.

Balance is a Myth

* The following article was copied from www.keyministry.org.

There’s no such thing as balance. Honestly. There isn’t.

What do we usually mean by balance? What picture pops to mind? The scale, settled on its fulcrum, equal weights on either side. Well, that picture doesn’t work in real life. First, there’s not a day in any human’s life when there are ONLY two things. We have kids and work and family and personal care, and spiritual health and worship and service and vocation and hobbies and … AND, even with the imaginary two things, there’s no moment in time when things get equal effort.

The idea of being balanced seems to imply that we know what’s on our plate and we then allocate appropriate time to each thing, perhaps in a way that reflects our priorities. Although we acknowledge family as more important to us than our jobs, we spend more time at work than with our families. And with God at the top of our priority list, time in spiritual practices can fall a poor third to work and family time. Are we out of balance?

THINGS COME UP

I think the idea of priorities takes us down the right road. I know you have had that moment, a call from a loved one, when you dropped everything and went over, to spend time with them, to serve and to help. Were you out of balance then? Or what about when your kid doesn’t sleep the night and you don’t sleep to care for him, but then you don’t go to work because the combination of his needs and your exhaustion means you might be dangerous or unkind to other humans? Are you out of balance then? I don’t think so. I think you made a choice about what your priority was in the moment.

As a mom of a child with special needs, I’ve noticed that it’s hard to know ahead of time all the things that I’ll deal with on a given day. Who knows which combination of a school plumbing emergency (no school), a stomach virus (no sleep), a winter storm (no heat or power) or a panic attack (no peace) will come my way? If I don’t know what’s coming, how can I plan in a way that establishes balance?

A TIME FOR EVERYTHING

With the massive unknown created by competing roles and unexpected events, I’ve decided that balance is a myth. Another strategy is needed to maintain peace and sanity. It’s called ‘figuring out what’s needed right now.’ It probably sounds better if I say, ‘know your priorities.’ I know we all know our general priorities of God, family, and so on. But in every given moment, there are at least five things calling for our attention and only one thing that needs to be done. The trick is knowing what that one thing is.

Ecclesiates 3 is often quoted on this matter, and it’s true! There is a time for everything. That’s such a relief! That means if I don’t have time for something, then the “it” isn’t actually a thing that I need to be doing. But how do we determine what should be done in each moment? Here are four steps to help you figure this out.

1.  CHOOSE THE EASY WAY.

I live by the mantra if it’s worth doing, its worth doing the hard way. As a type-A-get-things-done person, I’m pretty competent at most things and I can be caught doing many, many, many things that I just don’t have to do. I don’t have to create the cute wall art myself, I can buy one. I don’t have to pick the kids up, I can let them take the train. Some of the items competing for our attention can be delegated to others or just done the easy way.

2.  PRIORITIES.

How do you want to spend your time and energies? What do you really want to be doing? Sometimes we are caught doing tasks that others ask us to do, even though they don’t sit in our sweet spot. This is often the case with ministry and service opportunities. Make a list of how you really want to spend your time and energy. Especially note the priorities that you think take more time or energy than they should, and the others that are not getting enough attention. These two lists are prayer prompts, opportunities to discuss your time and energy utilization with the One who makes all time and energy.

3.  SCHEDULE.

Figure out some general time blocks that you want to use for the items on your list. I like to create an ideal week, with buckets for learning, work with clients, self-care, worship, etc. The Maker of time and energy will lead you into a sense of the rhythm for your week and month. As you get a sense of this rhythm, make sure you create generous time boundaries for things like travel and other transitions. For example, I realized that I can spend several hours in activity with my kids or with clients, but the moment I am by myself, I need at least thirty minutes of recovery time before I can move to the next activity. That thirty minute boundary of reading, listening to music or browsing social media needs to be part of my transition time. Notice your typical trends, own them and honor the time you need by planning for your transitions. That way, they don’t sneak up and hijack your schedule.

4.  SEE CLEARLY.

Even though we plan, stuff happens. Most of the stuff that interferes with our schedule is outside our control, and can create anxiety for us. My husband Isaiah is a worship leader and is responsible for our church’s worship team. Sometimes, team members get sick or are otherwise unable to participate. At a moment’s notice, he can be thrown off schedule. This kind of unexpected thing happens all the time, things that require his response. For Isaiah, and for all of us, knowing when to say yes and when to say no is an act of discernment.

It’s difficult to separate the competing voices and demands when we are anxious and unsettled. The scriptures are right: peace guards our hearts, the place where discernment and intuition reside. It’s often impossible to be clear about what to do without this peace, this knowing and intution you sometimes can’t explain.

THE BOTTOM LINE

So in those moments, when my priorities cannot be determined without my ability to see everything clearly, and that clarity is difficult without peace, then peace is the only priority. This is a tough lesson to grasp, and even tougher to master. The truth is that we don’t effectively align with our priorities and know how to respond to the situations that face us if we aren’t anchored deep down, knowing that we are safe and capable and have access to all the resources we need. A wise friend calls this the ‘non-anxious presence.’ When I allow myself to be present in a non-anxious way, regardless of what’s going on around me, I can see the situations so much clearer, hear the priorities of my heart loudly, and can discern the promptings of the Spirit.

BALANCING

Even though there is no such thing as balance, there is such a thing as balancing, so that we can honor the fact that there is a time for everything. Balancing requires us to work smart, understand and create time for our priorities, and practice peace. If we do these things, we can respond to the daily upheavals with grace, clearly see our current situation, recognize our priorities and respond appropriately to the invitation of the Spirit.

This balancing won’t look the same from day to day, and thank God for that! Life is dynamic. There are no formulas. Only the knowledge that we have access to the One who loves us fully, knows us completely and will guide our moments to create more of His Kingdom on earth gives us balance. Here’s to balancing well for the rest of 2019!

5 Quick Ways to Help Your Kid Finish the School Year

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I recently wrote a book called, “Finish, Give Yourself the Gift of Done.”

One of the things that inspired me to write it was how difficult it is to actually finish goals.

According to a study by the University of Scranton, 92% of all New Year’s Resolutions fail.

That statistic bothered me. I was tired of leaving goals in my own life half done and tired of seeing friends give up on once meaningful hopes.

I commissioned a research study with a Ph.D. named Mike Peasley. He and I studied nearly 900 people as they worked on goals for six months. We wanted to learn what it really took to finish something that matters.

Do you know what matters to you and your kid right now? Getting to the finish line of the school year. May and June are the busiest/slowest months ever. You have more to do than ever before but less motivation to do it. It’s a terrible combination.

How can you help your kid finish the school year? Here are five quick ways:

1. Paint a clear picture of the end.

Runners never stop running when they can see the finish line. The problem is that sometimes the summer feels far away when you’re in the midst of final projects and tests. Do your best to help your kid see what they are working toward. Celebrate the summer you’re headed to as a way to amplify some motivation. (At Parent Cue, we call that, “Imagining the End.”)

2. Share a time you persevered.

Kids sometimes feel like they’re the only ones who have to push through difficult things like the last month of school. Let them know they’re not alone. Share a story from your own childhood or even a tale about a work project you had to knock out despite not being very motivated.

3. Make it fun.

Don’t wait until the summer to add some fun to their goals. A big, final finish line is awesome, but so are some small finish lines along the way. Head out for ice cream when the science project is finished. Catch the latest Marvel movie after a final school recital. Build in small wins in the weeks leading up to the last day of school.

4. Break the work into smaller pieces.

Small wins are great and so are small goals. A final paper might be overwhelming, especially if the deadline is looming. Do your best to help your kid break that big project into something manageable. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was a perfectly scaled coat hanger model of the solar system.

5. Remind them of a time they won in the past.

When kids are stressed about the end of school, they often forget every other time they’ve worked hard to complete a goal. Sometimes, just reminding them of a time they’ve won before can provide a bit of boost. Remind them of last year’s final projects that turned out great. Encourage them to remember a little league practice that was difficult, but bested. Chances are, this isn’t the first bit of adversity they’ve faced. Get them to take a quick look at the past to generate a bit of hope for the present.

My oldest daughter just turned in the “bottle project,” a massive geometry assignment she’s been working on for weeks.

It wasn’t easy, but by breaking it up in chunks and focusing on how stress-free she’d be after finishing it, she was able to stay motivated.

Your kid can too if you’ll give this five quick tips a try.

Hope Boomerangs Back

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“Pray for others that you may be healed,” (James 5:16). These words wouldn’t leave me alone. I really needed some encouragement––a prayer, a note, anything. From somebody. From an “other.” Six months into my Josiah’s autism diagnosis, I was enticed by waves of despair.

I needed someone to listen, to ask about “it,” but more importantly, to really understand. But my usual support system was eerily silent and I felt like we had been relocated to the Island of Misfit Toys. I put on my smile every day, but I was a wreck inside and dismayed that few seemed to pick up on my need.

Life continued to go on all around me—but now our life as we knew it was horribly distorted, disfigured, undone. For the first time, even God seemed distant when I needed Him to be close. I wasn’t so sure He could be trusted with that which I held most dear.

I didn’t have a grid for dealing with an autism declaration paired with repeated blows—“cause unknown, cure unknown, lifelong.” I looked at my beautiful, curly headed two-year-old boy and tried to peer into his foggy future. He had been progressing normally and then just stopped mysteriously, and over a fateful three weeks lost skills and retreated into himself. Society told me to learn to cope. God told me never to give up hope. These two options created an odd emotional and spiritual friction.

It’s now four years since my son was diagnosed with autism. He still doesn’t have functional speech and works very hard to play and learn, but he releases more joy than anyone I know. I’ve learned from him about the power of releasing, and know he will fulfill a powerful destiny.

Something changed in me the day that I took the phrase, “Pray for others that you may be healed,” and started practicing a new way of releasing. I looked for people to pray for. I became observant.

I decided I would stop and pray right then for people who were hurting. I would listen for the tone of their voices when they said they were “fine,” and see if there was more behind their “fine.” When I intentionally gave away the very thing that I needed myself, I was being healed. And the hope and encouragement I needed generously boomeranged back from unexpected places.

This article was originally posted April 13, 2012. A year after this article, Tahni Cullen’s life spun into supernatural mode when at seven years old, her nonverbal autistic son, Josiah, who had never been traditionally taught to read or write, suddenly typed his first independent sentence on an iPad: God is a good gift giver.

As told in her book,Josiah’s Fire, God unlocked Josiah’s spiritual senses to the deep joys of heaven—renewing their hope, joy, and excitement for God’s Word, power, and presence. Josiah’s gems on their Josiah’s Fire Facebook page delight people from around the world with his wise, thought-provoking insights.

When You Need More Hope

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

“It’s going to be okay,” I promised my wailing 4-year-old. Tell yourself, “It’s going to be okay.”

He finally took a deep breath and shakily repeated, “It’s going to be okay.”

Why was his world falling apart?

Because I’d taken some of the extra shredded cheese off his plate and put it on his younger brother’s plate.

My 4-year-old is a planner with a high sense of justice. From the time he could talk, he would stand up in his crib and demand to know what we were doing that day, and in what order.

The problem is, life rarely bows to our planning efforts.

You grab a cookie—then discover you have to eat your carrots first.
You’re going to have the best birthday party ever—but then you get stomach flu.
You practice really hard to make the soccer team—but don’t make the cut.
You get into your dream college — and have to say no, because it’s too expensive.
There’s mold in the walls of your newly-bought condo.
Your engagement busts up.
It takes years to get pregnant.
You find a lump.

Things fall apart. The world starts to look dark.

Frankly, it’s often as hard for me as it is for my preschooler. Sometimes I’m tempted to dwell in hopelessness. But while there’s a place for sadness and disappointment—even grieving—we can be assured knowing there’s a bigger picture at play:

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)

As a parent, you can see the bigger picture for your child’s busted lip or that situation with the mean kid at school; you encourage your child to trust you that it will be okay. And God longs for us to do the same. He sees the big picture with the broken relationship and lost job and chronic back pain.

He says, “I see you. I’ve got you. Trust me with your story. In the end, it’s going to be okay.”

This does not belittle your current issues or your child’s problem—but it does mean that you don’t have to stay there. It means you can have HOPE that things will get better, and you can teach your child to have hope, too—no matter how big or small the problems they face. (Keep in mind that what seems small to you is a huge deal to your child.)

This means two things :

1. Hope is a muscle you can work.

It’s a learned ability to see a bigger picture. Life experience helps us look back and see it better from where we are standing now. Practice looking for the good that has come from the bad, and find hope for the future. And when your child hits a moment or season of despair, you can help them rehearse the things they’ve faced before. The skinned knee that got better. How they finally mastered reading, even though it was so frustrating for so long. How they made new friends, even after the big move.

2. Hope is a gift.

As Paul encourages us:

May the God who gives hope fill you with great joy. May you have perfect peace as you trust in him. May the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope. (Romans 15:13)

When you need hope, ask for it. When your child needs hope, sit down and pray together that God will fill you both with His joy and the belief that He is at work, even when you can’t see it.

Hope can hold your moment-by-moment together when the big things fall apart. And it can do the same for your child… even when his precise dinner plan goes off menu.

Fortnite Facts and Figures

* The following article was copied from www.ministrytoparents.com.

As every parent in 2019 knows, Fortnite is a household name and game.

This multi-platform (PC, Xbox, PlayStation 4, Nintendo, and mobile) and cross-platform (playable for with others on different platforms) game is sweeping not only the nation but the world!

Winners of the 2018 Gaming Awards, Best On-Going Game, and Best Multiplayer Game, this video game is making its way into homes, stores, and screens all over.

Fortnite launched in July of 2017 and has only been picking up steam and momentum.

For example, Fortnite’s creators, Epic Games, posted in June of 2018 that there were 125 million players worldwide and in just five months that number rose to 200 million players as of November of 2018, according to Bloomberg.

These numbers suggest that most families have a Fortnite player they are raising.

Now, let’s focus on the facts and figures of Fortnite and understanding how as a parent you can be informed about the good, the bad, and the ugly of Fortnite.

FORTNITE BRINGS IN THE V-BUCKS

Well, they make more than the in-game currency “V-Bucks”; they are making dollar bills.

Most currently, Epic Games is reporting to make $300 million a month on Fortnite sales.

Fortnite is a free game, but it is the “in-game purchases” that are bringing in so much profit.

A survey of 1,000 Fortnite players reported the following on spending habits within the game:

• 68.8% spend money on Fortnite

• Of those that spend, they spend $85 on average

Here is where the money goes:

• 58.9% on Skins (characters/outfits)

• 18% on Gliders

• 13.5% on Harvesting Tool

• 9.5% on Emotes (dances)

How much time do they spend playing?

• Players spend an average of 8-10hrs per week playing.

• 25.3% of Fortnite players pay for a twitch.tv subscription to watch other people play Fortnite.

Let’s break a few of these things down to put into perspective.

First, these “in-game” purchases are only for appearance sake and give the player no advantage in winning the game.

Yes, all the skins, gliders, emotes, etc. do nothing to help them in the game. This is a difficult concept for older generations to grasp, but for Gen Z these are just as important as winning.

A student’s social status around the game thrives on two things, wins and skins. (Squad wins do not count in this social currency).

When students talk about Fortnite or even play together, they are looking for someone to be envious of their characters “skin” or emote.

It is purely a pride thing for these students. If they can’t impress people with how many wins, then they think, “I’m going to look good playing it.”

For those parents who do not see how the currency exchange happens from US dollars to V-Bucks here is a breakdown:

• $10.00 equals 1,000 V-Bucks

• Most Legendary Skins or Gliders will cost 3,000 V-Bucks

• Epic Skins or Gliders will cost 2,500 V-Bucks.

These are significant purchases happening within a free game.

The second thing to draw attention to is that 25.3% of Fortnite players are paying another service, twitch.tv, to watch other people play the game.

If you are unfamiliar, there are two primary places that you can watch professional and amateur video game players, twitch.tv and YouTube.

Both of these sites allow content providers (gamers) to easily stream LIVE or upload content to share with their audience. twitch.tv allows users to pay a monthly subscription to view any and all of its site’s content.

However, Twitch’s content is mostly Fortnite streamers.

As of June 2018, 49% of Twitch’s content was solely Fortnite.

From the novice and casual gamer, like myself, to the paid and sponsored professional, anyone and everyone who wants to stream the game can.

This brings a new concept to parenting that has not been much of a concern until late – the touchable celebrity. For older generations celebrities from tv and film were untouchable.

I, of course, mean that the viewer never really had a way to interact or connect with them on an on-going basis. Letter writing, fan pages/groups, or going to New York or Hollywood were the only ways to possibly connect with these superstars.

However, since these gaming celebrities are connecting to people through these social media mediums, fans can connect and interact like never before. Following or subscribing to one of these gamers allows you to chat with them and other fans while they play.

Imagine being able to chat with your favorite running back on the sideline after an amazing play or share your feelings about a home run right after it happens.

I use this illustration of an athlete because gaming or eSports is a growing trend and considered by many as an actual sport.

If you don’t think that gaming is a professional sport, you’ll have to take that up to ESPN, who featured Tyler “ninja” Blevins (the most popular Fortnite gamer) on the cover of their magazine on Sept 21st, 2018.

FORTNITE IS PROFESSIONAL

As a parent, you may see your student or hear your student playing this game and think it’s purely a game. However, to them and many others, they may see this as a profession.

Since this game is so easily shared and streamed, Fortnite is a money maker for people who are great at the game or just entertaining to watch.

When it comes to “YouTubers” or “Streamers,” students are not always looking for someone who is fantastic but just entertaining. Students are watching this content more than many popular tv series or Netflix specials.

According to Armchair All Americans, these are the top 5 most popular Fortnite players in the world.

1. Ninja – 12.8 million Twitch subscribers

2. FaZe Tfue – 4.1 million Twitch subscribers

3. TSM Myth – 4.6 million Twitch subscribers

4. TSM Hamlinz – 1.5 million Twitch subscribers

5. FaZe Jaomock – 210,631 Twitch subscribers

Notice that the number of subscribers on Twitch varies. This is evidence of their entertainment value more than win value.

Four of these gamers (2-5) all have a “clan tag” before their name. This means that they play for a specific group, clan, or team and other professional sports teams often own these teams.

For example, “Clutch Gaming” is an eSports team that is owned by the NBA Team, The Houston Rockets.

The professional attention is drawing students in more and more of the possibility to play professionally.

This future possibility grows brighter when Universities and Colleges offer eSport programs and competitive varsity teams on the Division I level – schools such as the University of Oklahoma, University of North Texas, Ohio State University, Boise State University, and many others. Students may be rookies at home but learn to be professionals in school.

In 2019, Fortnite will join the list of eSport Competitive games that will be played on the national and global scale.

Epic Games, Fortnite’s creators, are putting up 100 million in prize money as this game enters the eSports arena. This will be the most substantial prize money offered in eSport competitions to-date.

FORGET FORTNITE

So where do we go from here?

I believe that Fortnite is not a game or even a season in your student’s life that you, as the parent, can bury your head in the sand until it passes; you would be there too long! Instead, we need to lean into it with our student.

Here are a few things that can brighten this picture for any parent.

1. Commitment isn’t lacking.

As a parent, you can look at the amount of time they are spending on Fortnite as an addiction, or you can see it as commitment.

Commitment is a concept that we want our students to grasp — a commitment to the right friends, school-work, their relationship with Jesus, etc. So, as you talk to your student about the game and the time they spend point them to what this type of commitment may look like in other areas of their life.

We want them passionate and committed to the right things and showing them what commitment looks like through this game may help them see what it takes in other areas.

2. They are building more than Forts.

As your student plays this game, they are learning to play with others. It seems a bit silly, but they are playing with others (whether they know them or not), and they have to act and react either positively or negatively to what they do.

Sounds a bit like real-life right?

It may seem strange, but they are learning to interact with others with different worldviews, cultures, and languages.

Spend time with them, watching them play, and discuss the choices and actions they make to have teachable moments with them.

3. Don’t be a noob.

A noob, someone who is just beginning a game or activity, is not what you should be as a parent.

Grab a controller and learn to play. It is clearly a game that, statistically speaking, your student will not mind watching you play, and it will connect the two of you better around this topic.

Meeting our students where they are is just as important in the digital field of play as the real-life field of play is. Your student may not want to throw a football with you but would love watching you play a video game.

Soak up these moments and jump in the game!

Loving Teens with the Gospel

Pastor Drew Hill invites parents to see their teens through the lens of the gospel. Letting teens know how much God loves them is a great place to start. Hill believes teens run toward things that bring them comfort and affirmation. Hill encourages parents to ask good questions, like Jesus did, rather than always issue a command.

Click here to listen to the podcast.

6 Things Teens Say and How You Should Respond

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

Dealing with a moody adolescent and their hormones can challenge the best parents’ patience and wisdom. When your teen says something that makes you bristle, it’s all too easy to get drawn into an argument or a battle of wills rather than deal with what’s going on beneath the surface.

So instead of seeing each of these common teenage comments as a criticism or a challenge to your authority, try to view them as an opportunity to engage your angry teenager in conversation and help them grow.

[ctt template=”12″ link=”UN3dS” via=”no” ]Take the opportunity to engage your angry teenager in conversation and help them grow.[/ctt]

1. “It’s not fair.”

Sometimes a teen will say this as a tactic to get out of doing something like chores or homework. Other times they use it because they really believe that something really is unfair or unjust. Children often equate fairness with sameness or equality. For example, they might think because their 17-year-old brother has a curfew of 11 pm that they, a 14-year-old, should have the same curfew. So help them explore the issue at hand. Start by asking questions like why do you think you should have the same curfew as your older brother. Have you earned that right? Perhaps then share that their brother had an earlier curfew at their age.

2. “Everyone else is allowed to…”

First, you may want to clarify who they mean by “everyone,” and whether they know that for a fact. Ask whether you should check with their friends’ parents. Use this as an opportunity to discuss your values as a family and the different values and standards other families may have, and why. Share with them how much you love them and if you are not letting them do something, let them know that you are making this decision because you want what’s best for them.

3. “This sucks.”

This one makes me cringe and I can understand how a parent can engage in a battle with their teen when they hear it. However, a better way may be to ask their teen questions like, “So why do you feel that way?” “What would you suggest instead?” The key here is to get to their heart and understand why they are feeling that way.

4. “You can’t make me.”

Instead of getting into a verbal confrontation by responding with an, “Oh yes I can!” The better way would be to agree with them by saying, “You’re right, I can’t make you. It’s your choice; you have the freedom to choose.” Then go on to share that if they make the choice not to do it, there will be consequences. Those consequences may be a natural result of them not doing something or may be consequences imposed by you.

5. “Whatever.”

Typically this isn’t offered as an acceptance of what you say, rather it’s about dismissing what you say as irrelevant, closing down further discussion. That may be because their emotions are flooded. So ask them how they are feeling. Are they angry, frustrated, or disappointed? Then be sure to listen and ask follow-up questions.

6. “I hate you.”

Hurtful as this is to hear, bite your lip. Simply snapping back “Don’t ever talk to me like that again” is not going to help. It may make you feel better momentarily, but it will just shut them down and confirm all their beliefs about how unreasonable you are. Ask them what they hate and why? Assure them that it’s okay to have strong feelings, but they do need to be responsible and respectful in the way they handle and express them. And remind them that you love them no matter what.

In all of these exchanges, always be looking to really see things from your teens’ point of view. It could be that even though they are expressing themselves poorly, they have a point we need to hear. Here are 5 ways to help your teen learn to communicate better.

Above all, try to keep the communication channels open. Even a surly teen is better than a silent, simmering, or sullen one.

Asking For Forgiveness From My Kids ... Again

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

I yelled at my kids tonight.

It started before the mouthwash spilled all over the floor, my jeans, and my new shirt.

That I have an issue with anger and emotional control is not something I’ve kept secret. But it’s still painfully destructive in my own home: “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down” (Proverbs 14:1).

So when my blood pressure had returned to an appropriate range and I determined the mouthwash only minimally soaked my front, I called all of my kids to our little loveseat. Some of them crawled out of bed. They piled around me like puppies. And I took the time—again, like I have to do so often—to apologize to them and ask for forgiveness.

Then, I led us in praying and repenting to God. It was duly needed for all of us.

I thanked my kids for forgiving me—also not so bad a quality to practice—and ended with tickling them into screaming laughter.

As I backed out of their room in the dark later, I yowled in pain after stepping on an electrical plug someone had left in the doorway. My second son was quick on the draw: “Still love me?” He collapsed in giggles.

None of this, I’m afraid, undoes what I did.

I wish I could take away my eruptive lack of self-control, or the way I morphed instantly into a drill sergeant. I wish I could subtract what I modeled for my kids. But what still remained in my power were two words: “I’m sorry.”

THIS CONTENT WAS TAKEN FROM THE PARTICIPANT MANUAL FOR FAMILYLIFE'S ART OF PARENTING. 

Their sin doesn’t justify mine

A family that practices repentance keep short accounts with each other, apologizing quickly and sincerely. The point of apologizing to my kids even when they’re in trouble isn’t at all to detract them from their sin. They need to grow up with my willing confession as the norm, to give them the knowledge that Mom requires a Savior as much as they do. An awareness of the log in my eye—even when my children or spouse are the offenders—is biblically commanded (Matthew 7:1-5).

So take it a step further, even, than those two critical words. Deliberately ask for forgiveness, and then humbly and verbally extend forgiveness: “I want you to know that I completely forgive you, and that I believe God forgives you, too.”

I guess it can sound a little hokey when we’re not used to using such language in our homes, but that’s my point. Should it be?

Call me an idealist, but I’d like this replication of Christ’s words to become the norm, a chance to apply the gospel to myself and to my loved ones daily.

Three Words to Repeat When Your Child Moves Away From You

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

By Kara Powell and Steve Argue
Adapted from Growing With: Every Parent’s Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in their Family, Faith, and Future (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2019).

“But I don’t want to ride with you. I want to keep riding with my cousins.”

It was day three of my (Kara’s) extended family vacation, and two of our kids were happy to ride with me and my husband. But Krista tossed her beach backpack over her shoulder and stood six feet away from our car. With her arms crossed and her hazel eyes cool with determination, our 14-year-old bluntly told us that she liked riding with her cousins better.

My feelings would have hurt even if we had been home. But losing valuable family time during one of our few precious (and expensive!) vacation days was a slap in the face to my pride and my hopes for family warmth.

I had a 3-D picture in my mind of what our vacation was supposed to be like. Krista’s assertion of her independence—a normal and appropriate tendency for an eighth grader—was ripping that image into shreds.

If you’ve been a parent for long, you know what it means for your child to move away from you. Your child’s growth in independence is both normal and good for them. But it’s simultaneously painful and hard for you.

In our new book Growing With, we champion a goal of “withing” in family relationships, meaning that family members grow in supporting each other as our children grow more independent.

Whether it’s our third grader who no longer wants us to walk them to school, our seventh grader who no longer waves to us when we show up to practice, or our high school graduate who is physically moving out of the house, how can we parents continue to grow with our children even as they become more independent?

In those family moments that have the potential to pull us apart, we who want to grow with our kids are wise to heed psychologist Lisa Damour’s counsel for parents of girls—advice that we believe is relevant for parents and stepparents of sons and daughters alike:

Your daughter needs a wall to swim to, and she needs you to be a wall that can withstand her comings and goings. Some parents feel too hurt by their swimmers, take too personally their daughter’s rejections, and choose to make themselves unavailable to avoid going through it again. . . . But being unavailable comes at a cost. . . . Their daughters are left without a wall to swim to and must navigate choppy—and sometimes dangerous—waters all on their own.

Like all relationships, those with our maturing kids ebb and flow emotionally. As I found at the beach with Krista, sometimes when our independence-seeking child moves away from us, they don’t just let go and drift; they kick off the wall. And they kick hard. So hard that it hurts, leaving us feeling cracked, dented, and leaky. We love our children more than we ever dreamed possible, so when they turn their backs on us—whether for an hour-long car drive on vacation, or simply choosing to go to the mall with friends instead of us—the pain can be more than we can bear.

Motivated by either our anger or self-protection, it’s tempting to turn our backs on our kids when they turn their backs on us. Instead of being a wall for our kids to return to, we put up walls that keep them away.

In the midst of our trip to a coastal paradise, everything in me wanted to punish Krista.
To shame her into getting in the backseat.
Or take away her phone as a consequence for her attitude.
Or verbally lash out at her so she understood how she had hurt me.
Or ignore her and shower my attention on her brother, sister, and cousins. (That would really show her!)
Or all of the above.

I’m sure that in my disappointment, traces of all those so-called parenting strategies seeped into my interactions with Krista. But in the midst of my frustration, and even a few parental threats, I mentally repeated this withing mantra that I felt the Lord brought to mind: Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to. Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to.

Krista remained aloof for the next 24 hours. She rode in the car with my brother and his wife, not us. When I walked toward her, she picked up her phone and started texting a friend.

It took everything in me not to aggressively confront her or passively distance myself from her. Especially when I did the math on the daily cost of our vacation.

Be a wall. 

Be a wall she can come back to.

I became riveted on these three words: “Be a wall.”

With two days left on the trip, Krista did come back. I can’t point to why it happened. There was no breakthrough conversation. No heartfelt apology. No fantastic sunset walk along the beach that changed everything. Krista simply started to act like herself. Whatever thoughts and feelings had deepened the rift between us seemed to disappear. I’m so glad that during the four days Krista was distant from us, I didn’t say or do something that would create a permanent barrier between me and my teenager.

While Jesus is the ultimate “wall” we want our kids to cling to, during the ups and downs of our vacation all I could do was cling to this withing phrase: Be a wall. Be a wall she can come back to. But that phrase gave me enough courage to continue to be available for Krista—asking her periodic questions, affirming her contributions to our extended family’s fun and conversations, and smiling in her direction—all of which were cues I hoped would prompt Krista to reach for me when she was ready.

And when she was ready, she indeed did reach for me. Repeating “Be a wall” to myself helped me be the stable force she needed, and helped me choose withing over drifting.

How to Communicate in a Way That Values Your Relationships

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcur.org.

I think it’s kind of fun that God puts families into a little box called a home—where they bump into each other daily for years on end—and tells them to love each other. Nice experiment.

It’s always amazed me that many of us have a tendency to communicate least graciously with the people who are closest to us. When you are in close quarters, small irritants often become large issues, and we end up speaking to our family in a way we would never communicate with anyone else. And who are we often most kind toward? Perfect strangers. Go figure.

How we communicate is as, or more important, than what we communicate. I’m not saying truth doesn’t matter (it does), but isn’t it true that sometimes you can say exactly the right thing in precisely the wrong way?

Ironically, when we do that, we often accomplish the opposite of what we intended. It strains the relationship and provokes resistance. Be honest, when someone tells you what to do in an ungracious way, doesn’t it make you want to do the opposite? And we wonder why our kids resist us.

One of the best things a parent can do is communicate in a way that gives the relationship value. Over the next few days, monitor not what you communicate, but how you communicate with your family.

In the meantime, think about what your biggest trigger is. In what ways do you struggle with communicating with each other at home?

For me, it’s often when things aren’t picked up, cleaned up, or in order. A little bomb goes off inside of me, and the shrapnel has a way of leaking out. I may be right in principle, but how I communicate it is all wrong. Thinking about how I want to respond in those moments before they happen helps me pause and respond in a better way.

But the truth remains that we’re going to get it wrong sometimes. We’re imperfect humans.

Fortunately, one of the best ways you can communicate you value the relationship in those moments is to be ready and armed with some of the most powerful relationship-building words you could say: “I’m sorry.”

Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Kids as They Consider College and Career

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

It seems like only yesterday that I was learning to change a diaper. Today, my daughter is almost ready for college.

With every passing moment, I become more aware that my time is almost up. She is on the cusp of adulthood, and the decisions my daughter makes now will set the course of her life in ways not easily changed. Though I have nearly 18 years of parenting under my belt, I sometimes feel as helpless as I did on my first day.

According to the law, my daughter will soon be an adult, able to choose her own paths. But does that mean my job as a parent is done? Do I still have a say in what college she chooses? How about her career?

And what should my relationship with an adult child look like, especially one who is not yet ready to take complete responsibility for herself?

As I have watched other parents struggle through this season, I have seen many limit themselves to the role of financial underwriter. They let their children choose a college on their own, and whether they like it or not, they assume that their role is to support it.

While this approach has worked for some, I have watched in horror as many kids have strapped their parents with unnecessary financial burdens and chosen paths which have undermined the moral foundations their parents have laid.

Your role as archer is not over

Scripture compares children to arrows in the hand of a warrior (Psalm 127:4). If our children are arrows, then at some point they must be released. They must be free to make their own choices.

But as anyone who has ever shot an arrow will tell you, those final moments right before, during, and after the launch can have a significant impact on the direction the arrow ultimately takes. How you release your child is as important as everything else that you’ve done up to this point.

Now is not the time to lose focus or let go prematurely. As you prepare to release your child, follow-through is critical.

In order for your teenagers to be able to make adult-level decisions, they need to have adult-level information. You can help them step into the decision making process by asking good questions. Here are a few to consider:

What would you like your personal life after college to look like?

Would they like to get married? Have children? Where would they like to live? Will their proposed career require late nights, weekends, overnight work, or frequent travel? How will this affect their vision of marriage/parenting?

These may seem like odd questions to consider when choosing a college. But they have  everything to do with career choices.

Many starry-eyed young adults think mostly of choosing work that will fulfill them and will pay well. But they may set themselves on a path for marital problems down the road because they fail to consider the impact that their chosen career can have on the families that they dream of having. This is not to say that certain career choices are bad, but they should consider the requirements of the job carefully.

As someone who has walked further down the road of life than they have, help them to understand the implications of their decisions. A poor understanding of the lifestyle connected with a given career can lead to feeling trapped later in life.

Have them imagine their ideal vision of dinnertime, weekends, and special occasions. Their career should help facilitate their dream, not distract from it.  If you have regrets, now is the time to share them.

What is the return on investment (ROI) for their school of choice?

In other words—is the cost of this school worth the expense? This is especially important when considering out-of-state schools or private colleges.

For many children, ROI is a difficult concept to understand. Up until this point, school was just there, whether they wanted it or not. It is hard for most kids to start thinking of school as an investment.

I know it was for me. I vaguely remember signing loan applications when I first started college.  But I had very little understanding about the debt I was accruing and how long it would take to repay. This is a trap that too many students fall into today. When the bills finally come due, they are shocked and start looking for bailouts.

School choices, dorm choices, major changes, dropped classes, final grades—they all have financial implications. Most colleges charge extra for out-of-state students. When you factor in the additional cost of room and board, their decision to “go away” for college could end up costing them twice as much.

Even if you intend to pay for their education and have saved a large amount, your kids should still consider the cost. You worked for years to earn that money. It should be used wisely. When you help them to think about the cost, they can begin to understand the real value of the education they’re looking for.

But in order for them to really understand ROI, there is another question they must also consider.

What is the salary range for your field? 

Not every interesting major translates easily into a career. Unless your family is independently wealthy, your children will one day need to support themselves. Show them how to research career possibilities and starting salaries. Is this a growing field? Are companies hiring, and will they continue to be hiring in another 10 years? Will the starting salaries justify the expense of the education that they are going for? What about growth potential?

The average cost of a four year, out-of-state undergraduate degree is $140,000. That’s close to the median price of a house in the U.S. Barring any donations that you might make, that amount equates to loan payments of $1,000 per month for 15 years. How many years would they need to work to recoup the investment after taking into account normal life expenses (taxes, housing, commute, utilities, food, etc.)?  Will they be able to make it, or will they be forced to live at home until they’re 37?

Depending on their field, a large upfront investment in college might be worth it, but they should have a realistic understanding of how long it will take to recoup the costs and begin to see a profit. They may decide that a less expensive option—like an in-state school—is a wiser choice.

What do you really need for the career you prefer?

Choosing a college can be a lot like buying a car. A two-seat sports car might be fun to drive, but not if you need to transport a family of four. Teach your kids to focus on how they plan to use their degree. What kind of job will it help them get?

If they are unsure, consider letting them complete a volunteer internship in a field that interests them. It will be better for them to work for a short time and learn that they are not interested in a field than to pay for classes that they will never use.

For some careers, practical experience trumps a formal education. What are employers actually asking for? Is a degree a requirement or is experience preferred? Our daughter volunteered at a prestigious architecture firm for a week and gained critical insights into the type of education that she would need in that field. This has been helpful.

The classes that your kids take will determine what they learn and what specific skills they will be able to offer an employer. As your children consider a school, show them how to find the school’s degree completion plans and read the course syllabus. Help them to understand what books they will be reading and what projects will they be completing. Sometimes the right class or project can have more of an impact on hireability than a school name.

Help them to buy the right education for the kind of career they want.

Who are you?

As your child approaches college, they will be asked two questions by well-wishers.  “What school are you going to?” and, “What do you want to be?”

If their answers align with the right state, sports team, prestige level, and career choice, they will find looks of glowing approval. If not, they will see a mixture of confusion and disappointment. The pressure to meet the expectations of others can be immense.

In our performance-driven world it can be hard to believe, but what we do is not the same thing as who we are. I am not an engineer, janitor, programmer, pastor, executive, counselor, or writer, although I have done all of those things. Seldom can someone predict at 18 the profession that they will have when they retire.

And no matter my job title—or lack thereof—I am a child of God.

The real question to ask your child is not what do you want to be one day, but who are you, now?

Does your child know who they are apart from what sport they play, what school they go to, or what career they choose? Have they confessed a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and been baptized? Have they made their faith their own?

When they can understand their identity in Christ, the pressure to impress fades and they are able to see their choices more clearly.

Note: If you need help having these conversations try using a resource such as Passport2Identity™ to spur you on.

What is the spiritual atmosphere at the schools they are considering?

College campuses are often beautiful, and touring them can sometimes feel like you are walking around an all-inclusive resort. But let’s face it, most college campuses are not typically known for their spiritual development plans. Many kids are caught off guard by the prevalence of alcohol, drugs, and sex.

To make matters worse, many professors use their position and influence on a quest to eradicate views which they see as ignorant. I remember taking a required philosophy class (at an engineering school) where the professor spent three months attempting to disprove the existence of God.

As your kids attempt to navigate these minefields, they will need more than a “Sunday school” faith. Simply knowing “Jesus loves them” won’t be enough.

Help them to consider schools which will not only prepare them for a job but ones that can also help prepare them for eternity. Are the colleges on their list openly hostile to believers? Are Cru, Intervarsity, or other Christian organizations present?

Help them look for colleges with communities that will help them wrestle their faith into maturity.

What has God created you for? 

It is easy to get so caught up in the possibilities of the future that we forget to consider what God’s call on our lives might be right now. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”

A high-paying job that can finance a house in the suburbs and frequent vacations may sound like a dream come true, but what if God has a different plan? Many young Christians feel the call to a life of ministry, but find that they are unable to answer it because of heavy student debt burdens accrued while chasing the American Dream.

Help them consider what God’s call on their lives might be. But be forewarned, this may take some courage on your part. As parents, we desperately want our children to succeed, but sometimes our ideas of success are not quite in line with God’s.

A comfortable, trouble-free life might be God’s plan, but it might not. Often His plan is grittier than that. We need to be prepared to let our children follow God’s call, wherever it leads, even if that means college is not for them.

Children are like arrows in the hand of a warrior. They have been designed by God to achieve a specific purpose in life. As you prepare to release yours, focus clearly on your target, take a deep breath, and then gently, slowly, deliberately … release.

A Day in the Life of a Working Mom

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

5:37 a.m. The alarm sounds. Wipe the crust from my eyes and try to remind myself why a working mom like me is rolling out of bed while the house is still quiet. I could get at least another hour of good sleep.

5:51 Fill up my water bottle and head for the gym. I want my kids to know that moms are healthy, too. This is my “me time” for the day.

6:48 As I pull into the garage, a blonde-headed smiler peeks her head out of the kitchen door.  “Momma,” she squeals and darts out dragging her blanket across the garage debris. That’s okay because we’ll wash it … well never. My four-year-old can’t live without it, so I’ll just shake off the dried spider and call it good.

6:49  Kiss my husband good morning. Add an extra hug because he has coffee brewing. Then kiss him goodbye as he heads to work for the day.

7:03 Nod along while brushing my teeth to my six-year-old’s telling of Polly Pocket borrows Barbie’s car to take her baby sister to the zoo to see T-Rex and meet a firefighter buying a snow cone.

7:53 How is it almost 8?! Seven minutes to throw on a wrinkled shirt I left in the dryer too long. I pair it with wedges and cute earrings, hoping that will look like I tried for work today.

7:59 With a mouthful of granola bar breakfast, I welcome the nanny. After describing how to drop the girls off for vacation Bible school, I leave $20 for her to take the girls to lunch. Kiss and squeeze two girls who I’ll miss all day long. Still nightgowned, they wave and blow me kisses from the garage step.

At the office

8:05 Coffee. Wait where’s my coffee? Check my Google calendar. I note that my first meeting doesn’t start till 8:30, so I drive through Starbucks on the way to the office.

8:12 The barista knows me by my drive-through voice. He asks if I have the girls or not. What he means is, “Do you need two cookies straws with your iced coffee?” “It’s a workday,” I remind him.

8:32 Slip into the last open seat at my meeting. Pull out my laptop from my purse and drag a stray Elsa sock and old sucker with it. My coworkers laugh knowingly. At least one of them is a working mom, too.

11:23 Text my friend to confirm lunch plans. In clinical talk, she’s helping me sort through my daughter’s sensory sensitivities. Mom talk means she’s helping me keep it together when my daughter completely melts down because her sock is too itchy and her ponytail feels too tight for the millionth morning in a row. Phew! Thankful to be in this together.

11:48 Text the nanny to be see how VBS went. Ogle over the cute pictures she sends me of my kids and marvel with my lunch date how socks never seem to itch when my daughter is with anyone else. Lucky for them. And me, too, because I need to keep a good nanny!

2:30 Soaking up the quiet desk hours while I can. Quiet time is hard to come by for a woman in demand at work and at home.

What’s for dinner?

4:33 p.m. Start wondering what we’ll have for dinner. I have no idea if I remembered to thaw the chicken. Pack up my computer to head for home.

4:52 Tackled welcome by swimsuited little girls who’ve been running through the backyard sprinkler. See? We have the best nanny! But those girls are hungry! So what am I making for dinner?

5:07 Scoot two chairs over to the kitchen counter for my chefs in training. One cracks eggs into a bowl. One lines biscuits onto the baking pan. “But biscuits are for breakfast,” she suggests. “Not tonight, sweetie. We’re making breakfast for dinner.” Her eyes grow wide with excitement. I love how the little things are such a delight to them. Instead of a dinner fail, they see it as dinner treat.

5:28 The girls’ ears detect the faintest sound of a Jeep turning onto our road. “DADDY!!!” they yell and rush to the window. They tackle him welcome too and brag about eggs and hash browns for a surprise.

5:35 Eight hands lock together around the table. We give thanks for each other and the plates in front of us. The youngest ends with her rote recitation: “God is great. God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. Amen.”  My husband winks at me with a swig of orange juice on his lips. “I saw the chicken in the freezer this morning,” he says, “But I had my heart set on eggs for dinner, too.”

Bedtime prayers

7:18 Shower time. The girls argue over who starts the water, who rinses her hair first, who squirts the conditioner, who gets to turn the water off, and who gets to brush the baby doll’s hair.

7:28 We coax two clean, bickering girls from the shower. Dress them in PJs and pour cups of bedtime milk.

7:43 Four of us snuggle into our oldest’s full-size bed for three Bible stories and bedtime prayers. Each girl requests that I say a special prayer for her sister. One for the sister’s skinned knee. Another for the sister’s upcoming spelling test. I add on a prayer that they’ll both sleep through the night and a sincere thank you for the daily motherhood privilege that belongs to me.

8:20 Kitchen clean up time while the husband and I unhash our days. Settle on the couch to watch a rerun of Fixer Upper or Master Chef.

9:50 Spread out blanket pallets on the floor for our nighttime sleepwalkers. Together thank God for today and ask Him for the faith for tomorrow so we can live up another regular day with gratitude and courage.

The days are tiring but they’re worth it. Making memories, teaching our children, passing on our faith to the next generation, is what our moments are made of. In the midst of each busy second, I try to focus on fully living in every single one.

Nothing Will Change How Much I Love You

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Before becoming a parent I thought I would do best with having a teenager right off the bat. If I could skip the sleep deprivation and toddler tantrum-ing and bedwetting, I’d be good. I wanted to get right to the place where I could have a conversation and reason with my offspring. Because how do you reason with a child who wants to eat soap? Basically I was just holding out for the older years when we could be peers and friends and enjoy each other’s company without fear of a temper tantrum in the middle of Target.

That’s what I thought before kids. But now that I have them, I’m learning as they grow more and more independent and self-sufficient, how much is at stake when it comes to their decision-making. When you have a baby who bites, it’s unfortunate, but it’s also developmentally not that strange and maybe giving them a teething toy will satisfy the urge currently being met by chomping down on their big brother’s arm. Easy enough. It feels big and important at the time, but really, we can handle this.

Before having actual teenagers, teenagers seemed great. But now, as my kids are inching closer and closer to adolescence, there’s the tiniest bit of fear. What happens when your kid hits adolescence and is caught lying repeatedly, or sneaking out, or cheating on tests, or with a porn habit you feel ill just thinking about? Suddenly, a biting problem is an issue you would trade the world for, and the task of talking through consequences and decision making in light of these newly discovered facts about your preteen or teenager feels overwhelming and you feel under qualified.

Rightfully so. It’s terrifying. And fear, whether it’s in parenting or somewhere else, leads to reactive decisions. We do things in effort to self protect. We don’t think long term, we think right now, “What do I have to do to get back to normal as quickly as possible?” We ignore the problem in hopes it will go away or we over react thinking an extreme consequence will scare the bad behavior out of them. And it might. But that’s not all it will do. It might just scare your child away from you.

The thing about parenting is, you’re often managing the tension between trying to make your child into the best human they can possibly be, and wanting to preserve your relationship and influence in that relationship as best you can.Sometimes these two things work well together, but sometimes they don’t. And sometimes we have to make the decision over which takes precedence when they feel at odds.

So the question we have to ask ourselves is: Are we going to get really good at effectively punishing a bad behavior, or are we going to get really good at letting our kids know nothing they do will compromise our relationship with them? Because the older our kids get and the more their bad decisions cost them and cost the family, the more tempting it will be to parent the bad out of them, while also parenting them out of relationship with us.

Our kids will make mistakes. Our teenagers will make bigger ones. Costly ones. Embarrassing ones (to them and to us). And that doesn’t mean we don’t talk to them and have consequences when they get it wrong. But when the consequence for a bad decision—that goes against our conscience in behavior or identity or relationship—is withholding love and relationship and connection, we are more than doing parenting wrong. We are doing Christianity wrong.

God would never ask us to parent in a way that permanently severs the relationships with our kids. How do I know? Because God doesn’t parent that way. If nothing can separate us from the love of our Heavenly Father, than we ought to take a cue from Him and make sure nothing can separate our kids from the love of their earthly parents.

No underage drinking.
No bad relationships.
No sexual choices.
No drug possession.
No internet history.
No late night arrest.

Nothing.

God leaves a way back. So we should too. God leaves the door open. So we should too. God runs breakneck speed down a dirt road to welcome us home. So we should too.

Parenting is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. The weight of responsibility is paralyzing. The big world we are preparing to release our kids to, jarring. And there is so very little I actually have control over in the grand scheme of things and how their lives play out. Except one thing. One very important thing: Whether my kids will go to bed at night certain that they can never misbehave their way out of relationship with me.

If they know that, they know enough. We’ll deal with the fact that my oldest gave my youngest a black eye in a “pillow fight” soon enough. We’ll conquer my youngest’s maddening tendency to make excuses for every bad behavior he’s caught in, in good time. We’ll discuss fairness, and kindness, and sharing and believing the best, and everything else a seven and nine year old should know. We’ll get there. But first, this:

You belong here. You are loved here. And nothing changes that.

Do you kids know that? Do your teenagers? Do you believe it, but have a hard time saying it? Do you think it, but have a difficult time showing it? Start practicing now. Look your kids in the eye and tell them: even though you bit me, I’ll always love you. Even though you kicked and screamed your way through Publix, I love you. Even though you lied about that test, I love you. Even though the cops found that in your car, I love you. Even though, you’re dating him or dating her, I love you. Even though you are making choices I prayed you never would, experiencing consequences I wish you weren’t, I love you.

We can’t get all of parenting right. But we can get enough right when our kids know and believe this is true, and we parent them like it’s true. That’s where we can start.

How to Communicate with Your Teenage Son

* The following article was copied from www.blog.championtribes.org.

We all know that the teenage years can be a difficult season both for kids and their parents. It starts in middle school where kids begin a major life transition. They start to form their identity, their bodies start to change, and they begin asking bigger and more challenging questions of themselves and the world around them.

Later in high school and the later teenage years they begin to assert their own independence and wield the growing authority and ownership they have over their life.

During all of these stages, it is important to be effectively communicating with your teenager. To help you in that process here are 3 tips for effective communication with your teenager:

#1. Listen

While at times it may seem like your son or daughter doesn’t want to open up or share with you, by just listening carefully and not prying too much they often feel safe enough to reveal what is going on in their life. Sometimes the small offhand comments is your teen’s way of communicating what is going on with them.

#2 Show trust

Your teenager wants to be taken seriously. Consider ways to both tell your teen and show them that they are trustworthy. Asking him or her to do you a favor is a sign of trust. Telling them that you trust them can boost their confidence. Giving them an extra privilege can be a sign that you trust them to make good decisions. It can be hard to give away control, but oftentimes it is best for your child in the long run.

#3 Don’t downplay their feelings or emotions

It can be easy to downplay someone else’s feelings or emotions. Much harder to truly empathize. But most of the time when your teenager reveals something difficult to you all they are looking for is a space to vent. For example, after a breakup you might find yourself saying “She wasn’t right for you.” Maybe instead just try to empathize. “Wow, that is really difficult. I know that is something really hard to deal with. I am here for you.” For more tips on how to be a more empathetic parent and friend, be sure to check out our post on empathy.

How to Talk to Young People About Doubt

* The following article was copied from www.fulleryouthinstitute.org.

I’ve been through 26 grades of school, including a Master’s of Divinity degree and a PhD in Practical Theology.

And my 12-year-old’s questions about God can stump me.

But I don’t feel bad about that. For one thing, if God could be fully understood and explained, God wouldn’t really be God. God would then be more of a “cool person.” For God to be God, there need to be aspects of his nature and actions that are inexplicable. 

Not only that, but it’s time to reframe young people’s questions and doubts not as challenges, but as opportunities. In both our Sticky Faith and Growing Young research, we found that feeling the freedom to express doubt was actually correlated with faith maturity. Put more simply, it’s not doubt that’s toxic to faith, it’s silence. 

Even if you and I can agree on both of those reasons to welcome young people’s doubts, that doesn’t mean we always know how to best respond. The way we respond to doubt sends a message about God. We’ve found that when leaders and parents tend to silence young people’s doubts, young people not only learn that their church and family can’t handle doubt; they think God can’t handle doubt either.

When leaders and parents tend to silence young people’s doubts, young people not only learn that their church and family can’t handle doubt; they think God can’t handle doubt either. 

God can handle all our doubts. And then some.

4 steps to better handling young people’s doubts

1. Memorize this phrase: “Great question. I don’t know, but …” 

Odds are good that sometime soon, a teenager or young adult is going to ask you a tough question about God that you can’t answer. Why would a loving God allow such suffering in the world? Why would God send people to hell? Isn’t it narrow to believe Jesus is the only way to God? 

For most of us, it’s hard to come up with a great answer on the spot to these sorts of questions. We need a placeholder. We need a way to affirm that young person’s curiosity and make sure the conversation continues in the future. So try saying something like …

“Great question. I don’t know, but how about if you and I get together for coffee next week and talk about it?”

“Great question. I don’t know, but I do know a scientist [therapist, engineer, artist, etc.] in our church who loves those types of questions. How about if the three of us grab lunch this week?”

In those adrenalin-filled moments when a young person asks a question that stumps us, we need a “go-to” phrase that honors the young person’s curiosity and sets the trajectory for the next conversation.

2. Preserve the relationship at all cost. 

As our young people gain their intellectual wings and become more abstract thinkers, they notice more of our world that doesn’t quite add up. That means they’re going to have new questions.

For teenagers and young adults who have grown up in the church, these new questions aren’t just “intellectual,” they are also relational. Internal challenges about faith often lead to internal concerns about their faith community. Will my faith community be able to handle my doubts? Will I still be welcomed, or will I be abandoned?

I long for the church to be the first place young people go with their tough questions about God. But they will only head in our direction if they know that we will not reject them—no matter what. So when you’re interacting with a young person who is doubting, go out of your way to show that you, and the community you are both part of, are not judging them, but journeying with them.

3. Connect young people with other resources. 

The good news is you don’t have to act solo. You can integrate the wisdom of others into your ongoing conversations with young people.

Maybe you invite a person you know who has asked the same types of questions and wrestled with Scripture to pin down answers to join your next conversation.

Perhaps you send an email to a researcher who has thought deeply about God’s role in the creation of our world or world events today.

Or maybe you seek out a book or online resource that can help your young person better navigate their question.

You don’t have to do this alone. So why would you want to?

4. Pay attention to your own doubt. 

Amazing spiritual leaders—ranging from Martin Luther in the sixteenth century to Mother Teresa in the last century—have had their own internal questions. What if doubt isn’t a sign of spiritual immaturity we need to suppress, but instead a sign of curiosity, growth, and exploration we can engage?

What if doubt isn’t a sign of spiritual immaturity we need to suppress, but instead a sign of curiosity, growth, and exploration we can engage? 

What do the doubts of a young person trigger in you? What questions about God distract you, or keep you up at night?

If appropriate, share your own doubts with teenagers and young adults. Your example of being an adult who doesn’t have faith despite doubt but has faith in the midst of doubt will give them hope for their own spiritual journey.

Building a Healthy Family System - Listening and Communication

Seminar Recap
Building a Healthy Family System
LISTENING & COMMUNICATION
By Pat Nolan

Listening

As parents, some times we make things too complicated. In fact, listening seems so simple that it’s easy to gloss over it as a parental skill and favor more exciting things like teaching moments, fixing problems, or making sure our kids listen to us. Parents regularly talk about wanting “good communication” with their kids and kids actually do want to talk to their parents. So if listening is the foundation of good communication, then let’s keep it simple and start there.

Benefits of Listening

Listening will go far, not just in hearing the conversation, but can help fortify other areas of parenting too.

• We can gather information about a child’s life and what’s in their head

• Listening builds strong relationships

• Listening thoughtfully shows respect

• Shows them you care and that they matter

• It is always the first step in solving problems

• Kids are smarter than most adults think – they pay attention and are aware. They will teach you how to raise them if you listen.

• A child who is listened to… Learns how to listen

What is Listening?

Listening is thoughtful attention. It is intentional, and most parents have listening skills. Sometimes it is a matter of putting them into practice intentionally so that you can be a role model for these skills.

We can be better listeners with:

• Direct eye contact

• Positive body language

• Paraphrasing/summarizing what is being said (“So you want to have more time on your ipad”)

• Reflecting the emotion of what they are saying (“Sounds like it hurts your feeling when your sister calls you names”)

• Show empathy (“I remember when my parents made me go to church”)

Listening Quicksand 

Just as there are good listening practices, there are also poor listening practices. I call these Listening Quicksand. Be careful not to sink into these practices!

• Cell Phones – when you look at your cell phone, you automatically make the person you’re talking with a second priority

• Interrupting – you are focused on just getting a moment to break in and say what you want, not listening to what is being said

• Wanting the last word – The focus is on you plus, the conversation will never end!

• Minimizing the conversation to avoid uncomfortable topics

• Teaching moment – Parents try to use every moment as a teaching moment.

• Problem solving- It’s hard to listen and “fix the problem” at the same time

• Showing lack of interest in the conversation

• Time constraints- shutting a conversation down because of time constraints, then never picking it back up.

Listening Bait

Know what topics become “Quicksand” for you as a parent. These topics become great
“teaching moments” and even better conversation killers. What can you do to be a better listener with these topics?

• Video games

• Social Media

• School

• Friendships

• Future

Rule of thumb for Listening

• If you are talking with your kids, make your contribution 20 seconds or less at a time.

• If the conversation is 70/30 (70% you talking, 30% them) then you are not listening. Reverse it.

• Don’t be afraid of uncomfortable conversations. These are ones that stick. Especially when you show respect by listening.

• Serious conversations are set up by all the small, seemingly innocuous conversations.

• Have fun with your kids in conversation. Laughter and joking make conversations and listening so much easier.

Encounter.  Formation.  Expression.

One of the things we talk about at Port City Community is the idea of Encounter, Formation, Expression.  The basic concept is that what we encounter in life will help to form what we think and believe.  What we think and believe will inevitably show up and be expressed in what we say and do.  As parents, part of our job is to help our kids maneuver in a world that is ever changing and build a solid foundation in Christ.  When it comes to listening and communication, we need to remember that what they encounter is forming who they are.  When they encounter parents who listen with thoughtful attention, they will begin to know they are heard and what they have to say matters. It builds up their confidence, helps form their identity, and strengthens their relationship with you, their parents. When a kid opens a door to a conversation, don’t hesitate or be afraid, go in!!  And remember to have fun with your kids, they’re pretty cool!