How To Make It Through When Things Get Tough

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why

We Take It One Step at a Time

Remember “One Step at a Time” by Jordin Sparks? It was the third single from her debut album, which came out after she won American Idol in 2007. Looking back, it’s a perfect pop song, with a solid message about facing your challenges with determination. And if you ask me, it’s perfect for your quarantine playlist. After all, isn’t that what we’re all doing here in 2020—living one step at a time?

I remember hearing that song on the radio in 2007 . . . which is funny because right around that time, MY world was about to change. I was about to enter the wonderful and (at times) seemingly impossible world of parenthood. My two daughters were born in close succession, in 2008 and 2009.

Parenthood Requires Determination

Those years were definitely a time for determination. Life as we knew it would never be the same. There was the joy and excitement of caring for two brand-new little humans. We cheered them on, through every new milestone and every discovery along the way.

There was also the harsh reality that we no longer had any time or energy left for ourselves. It was a time to celebrate, and also a time to mourn. We look back in wonder: How did we do it? How did we make it through?

The answer, of course, is very simple. We took life one step at a time. We put one foot in front of the other. We did what we had to do for our girls.

I don’t remember much from those years. It’s all kind of a blur. But somehow, we made it through. We found new routines. Before we knew it, we were dropping our girls off at kindergarten—just like everyone had promised we would.

Every Season Has Victories and Challenges

Every season has its victories and its challenges—and life in 2020 is certainly no exception. You probably have plenty of new routines just like we do (none of which were happening in 2019).

Online classes.
Zoom meetings.
Evening family walks.

More than anything, quarantine has taught me just how resilient people can be. When life seems chaotic, we create structure . . . and the very act of creating structure gives us a sense of purpose.

This is what we do in any significant season of life. Think back to your own experience after 9/11, or during the financial crisis of 2008. We all experienced those events differently, but they affected all of us profoundly. We had to celebrate what was unique in those seasons while also taking time to mourn what we had lost.

That’s true for any big events we might experience. Our personal highs and lows will always rise and fall, regardless of the events of the world around us. Our families grow. Our careers change. We lose people we love. We balance our hopes and dreams against fear, disappointment, and pain.

In the end, we look back—much like I look back at our “newborn years” in the late 2000s. Nothing was easy about that time. But now, I see how God helped us grow and change in the process. I can see how He opened doors for the future when we couldn’t see 10 feet ahead. I can see how adversity shaped us, and taught us how to persevere.

The Story We Will Tell About 2020

In the same way, I think we’ll look back on this time in 2020 with mixed emotions. We’ll mourn what we’ve lost: graduations, group activities, the comfort of in-person human connection. And, of course, some have lost so much more.

We’ll remember how overwhelmed we felt when there was no end in sight . . . nothing was certain . . . and we had no idea what the future would hold.

So what did we DO about it? How did we make it through?

How Did We Make it Through?

We took a deep breath.
We put one foot in front of another.
We took life one day at a time.

We learned to appreciate the little things.
We slowed down.
We spent quality time with the people we love.

We leaned into community—even when it was virtual.
We discovered how capable we really were.
We trusted God, because we had to.

We were determined.

We persevered . . . step by step, day by day.

That’s a story I want my girls to be able to tell. And we have a chance to live it right now.

Raising Kids Who Will Initiate Racial Equality

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

When my son was three years old, his school introduced him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. He became completely fascinated with Dr. King, so my husband and I walked with him down an MLK rabbit hole. Well, an MLK rabbit hole that we felt was appropriate for a three-year-old.

We live in Atlanta, so we took him to visit Dr. King’s birth home. We also read books and watched videos about Dr. King’s involvement with the Civil Rights Movement and introduced him to the famous I Have a Dream speech which he requested be played on repeat. Recently, when we visited Washington D.C., we took him to both the Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorials.

But of course, the truth of Dr. King’s work and legacy is quite a big concept to understand at such a young age. And, to be honest, while we happily talked with him about Dr. King being a leader and role model, we weren’t eager to engage him in a conversation about race and inequality. But he was so relentlessly curious:

Why did Martin Luther King, Jr. go to jail? What does “equal” mean? Why do those dogs look so mean in that picture? Is Martin Luther King, Jr. still alive? How did he die? Why did he say, “______” in the I have a dream speech?

We tried so hard to craft our responses; unfortunately, our veiled attempts at discretion always slightly missed the mark. I tried to explain “equality” by using pepperoni pizza and telling him that “equality” meant everyone gets the same number of slices. All throughout that conversation I was so proud of my “good” parenting.

But that went left very fast when I heard him tell someone that Dr. King was a pizza man. My husband and I wanted to respond to his questions in a developmentally appropriate way. Yet, at the same time, we wanted to be honest in sharing the painful past of our country . . . well, edited parts of it. The depths of segregation, injustice, and the mistreatment of people of color just seemed to be very big for his three-year life experience.

We wanted him to continue living in a utopian world where race did not matter. We wanted him to continue living in a world where it was completely normal for his racially diverse friendship crew to affectionately call each other “brother and sister.” But we realized, even though that was the truth of his experience, it wasn’t the truth of the world in which our little black boy lived.

If we did not want to perpetuate an ideology of ignorance, we had to engage his curiosity with truth. We decided to introduce our son to race, or so we thought. Through the conversation we realized that in actuality, we were just giving him language for something he had already noticed. In the same way that he had noticed gender differences among his friends, he had also noticed racial differences. But the difference between his three-year-old understanding of race and my adult understanding of race, was that his was just developing.

My husband and I had an amazingly rare opportunity in our hands to consciously mold his thinking as it pertained to race and equality. We were literally laying the foundation for how he would grow up understanding these things. While this is such an amazing gift, creating change within the world is not something one household or even one race can accomplish alone. If we want to raise up a new generation of leaders who establish a new world norm; ignoring conversations of race, racism, injustice and inequality within the home are not privileges any of us are granted.

As parents, we need to check in with our children to discover what they already know, what they’ve seen/heard and what they think about it all. If necessary, we need to be willing to do the work of deconstructing and reconstructing.

Yet, while conversations about race are essential, they alone don’t create the inclusion necessary to cause generational change.

Children need to see people coming to their home who look different than them.
Children should be exposed to cultures different than their own.
Children should see their parents laugh and have substantive conversations with other races.

Though it’s essential for children to see people who look like them doing amazing things; it’s also essential for children to see people who don’t look like them doing those same amazing things. This will help them grow up not only knowing things should be equal, but becoming initiators of racial equality.

Talking to Your Kids About Racism

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before Talking to Your Kids About Racism

If you’ve been paying attention these last few years, you know this: Racism is real. But when it comes to talking to kids about racism, many parents are uncertain about how to talk about it with their kids. And while we want to address it, we wish we could shelter them from ever witnessing anything so reminiscent of our dark and painful history. 

But somehow, we know that part of the solution for change starts with us. We also know that as parents, we have an opportunity to make a difference in this world through the incredible influence we have on our kids—who are watching, listening, and taking it all in—regardless of whether we intend for them to or not. 

We also want to bring hope and comfort to our kids through our words and actions in troubling times, so as you think about how to talk to your kids about the realities and uncertainties of our world, we encourage you to ask yourself a few questions. 

1. How are YOU processing your feelings?

In order to have honest conversations with our kids, we need to be honest with ourselves. Check your heart and your thoughts. Be sure to take a step back and identify how you might need to change in your prejudices and in your interactions with others. Reflect on what it really means to love those whom God loves, and unrelentingly pursue forgiveness and reconciliation. Your kids will get many of their cues from observing your response. Yes, they’re really watching and listening. Are your reactions and frustrations to what is happening betraying any subtle biases?

2. Do you celebrate diversity?

Some parents may be tempted to try to teach their kids to be blind to color, to shy away from acknowledging differences or just ignore them altogether. But the truth is that we are all very different in the way God made us—in our skin color, in our genetic makeup, and in our culture. And that’s something to be celebrated, not ignored. Do you model the belief with your words and actions that God made each of us unique and beautiful even in our differences? Do you demonstrate respect and honor towards those you disagree with? How diverse is your circle of friends and the people you associate with? How can you widen that circle for your family? 

3. Are you talking about racism?

Racism is a difficult and sensitive topic, but it does exist, often in the form of subtle comments and prejudice, but sometimes it’s outright hatred and violence. Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. So talk about the issues with others outside your circle and with people of different backgrounds. Discover the truth from various outlets and seek to understand other perspectives. When you find the right words that honestly and respectfully express how you think and feel, choose which words you might share with your kids.

Then talk to your kids about prejudice and racism so you can equip them with the values and the words they will need to respect, celebrate, and stand up for those who are being discriminated against. 

4. Are you focused on love?

As parents, our hearts break in the shadow of these tragic events, and our anxiety, anger, and fear unfortunately leak out onto our kids. It’s okay to be honest with your kids, but it’s important to talk to them about how your family can respond to what’s happening in our world in a positive way.

As you navigate these important conversations, focus on what matters most: LOVE. Put love into action, and rest in the hope that is found there. And dole out love in especially large doses on your kids so they feel safe and secure. Hug them tightly and let them know that God is with them and they don’t have to be afraid. And neither do you.

For help with age appropriate conversations addressing recent events, check out this article: How to Talk to Your Kids About Racism: An Age-by-Age Guide

Managing Fear and Anxiety During a Health Pandemic

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

If you’re struggling with how to manage your family’s increasing anxiety about the current public health crisis, you’re not alone.

As information about Coronavirus (COVID-19) continues to unfold, many families are experiencing a wide range of thoughts, feelings, and reactions.

• Employers and employees are worried about how the coronavirus will impact businesses and the overall economy.

• Parents dread the possibility that students will be asked to stay home from school.

• School districts all over the country have already temporarily closed down.

• And children are struggling to understand what is going on and how they should feel.

With spring break coming up for many students, it’s likely that some travel plans may need to be altered. Other plans (that feel even more urgent) may simply have to wait.

There may be a lot of ambiguity around many things—at least in the short run. Learning to tolerate the ambiguity of life without getting too stressed out is an important aspect of emotional health. But how do you do that?

The first thing is recognizing the signs that you or your child may be struggling. Common reactions to this public health crisis may include:

• Anxiety/excessive fears or worries

• Hyper-vigilance or over preoccupation about your health or body

• Difficulty concentrating

• Feelings of helplessness

• Social isolation or withdrawal

Knowing how to handle our kids’ worries (and our own) isn’t easy. Below are a few simple ways of managing anxiety during any number of life disruptions:

1. Get the facts

Anxiety decreases with facts. Stay informed by viewing expert-sourced and established sites such as the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) and WHO (World Health Organization).

From what is reported, only a small percentage of children have been reportedly affected by the virus, but it’s still important to take healthy precautions.

Adopting healthy hygienic habits such as frequent handwashing with soap and water, utilizing alcohol-based hand sanitizer, and covering your mouth and nose with a tissue or sleeve (not your hands) when coughing or sneezing goes a long way.

If traveling is unavoidable, be sure to wipe down headrests, armrests, and tray tables with disinfectant wipes. And as always, be sure to get adequate sleep. Sleep is restorative and helps to strengthen your immune system.

2. Validate your child’s fears

You may not agree with how your child may be expressing him/herself, but avoid dismissing their fears. Instead, encourage the conversation.

If they’re afraid to go to school, validate that. You might say: “I understand that you’re worried. It makes sense that you would be. What else are you feeling?” Share the truth with your child and clear up any misinformation.

Finally, reinforce what they need to do to keep themselves safe and remind them of what the school is doing to keep them safe. Some children may not discuss their fears but could be internalizing their worries.

It’s important to encourage the expression of all emotions and assure your child you are available to listen whenever he or she wants to talk.

3. Limit media coverage

News stories about the spread of the coronavirus are everywhere and often dramatized for effect. Monitor how much media you and your kids are exposed to. Turn off the TV around younger children.

Anxiety tends to spiral with overexposure to scary information or just overconsumption of information. Keep informed, but be sure to take mental breaks.

4. Discuss disruptions

Have a conversation with your family about how to prepare for life disruptions. Many of life’s disruptions are really hard to anticipate or sufficiently plan for, no matter how hard we try.

Help your children to understand the importance of releasing pre-set timetables. Our timelines may get disrupted and that is unavoidable.

While it can be hard to let go of our timelines and work with the one that life is offering, it takes a level of faith to do so. Trust and faith. The storms of life, while challenging, give us opportunities to exercise our faith.

5. Maintain perspective

Keep in mind what and who truly matters in life. Maintain your social connections. Sure, large crowds might feel scary right now so the Disney cruise will need to be rescheduled, but, try not to isolate from all humans.

Maintaining our closest social networks helps to maintain a sense of safety and normalcy. And besides, flexibility, and a great sense of humor (when possible) are great skills to practice as we manage uncertainty and anxiety.

If you or your child is experiencing an overwhelming sense of fear or anxiety causing significant issues in overall functioning, please seek additional professional mental health support.

Love on Display

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Growing up, I had one of those old blue rectangular Kodak cameras with the orange “point and shoot” button. It came everywhere with me—including a trip my family took to Disney World. While there, I captured an image I still have a copy of. At the end of a long day as we left the park, my brother, sister and I lagged behind my parents, dragging our sore feet. As we made the trek out of the magic and into reality, I watched as my parents—oblivious to our watching— took each other’s hands.

At eleven years old, even I understood—I was witnessing magic. That was worth capturing. So, I snapped a picture. Two actually.

It may sound unremarkable. A small display of affection that caught a kid’s attention. But I think what I tried to memorialize represented more than a husband and wife stealing moments of warmth under their children’s watch. To me, it was a stabilizer. It was a security. It was a chance to exhale a sigh of relief. “There is something right in the world,” it told me. Love was on display. So, I took a picture, understanding even then, moments like these are worth noting.

Jesus, at the Last Supper, made sure the disciples knew the importance of their love being manifested in a real, tangible, way. “The world will know Me because of how well you love each other,” He asserted. Meaning, to show Jesus’ best, we must love each other—and when we do, the observing world will notice.

This wasn’t a passage recorded with parents in mind—but contains wisdom for those of us leading our tiny tribe. Jesus insists love makes a difference, love effectuates, love matters not only to the ones receiving it, but also to the ones witnessing it. Which makes love powerful indeed—maybe particularly in the impressionable lives of the little ones we are raising.

I am one of the lucky ones—privy to purposeful displays of love between my parents, observing a good marriage—and ultimately witnessing Jesus in the midst. But my parent’s 40-year marriage isn’t typical these days—the storybook plotline of familial bliss is more rare than common. In many ways the deck seems stacked against families as we fight for peace, longevity, and connection.

But I also know this. All hope is not lost. Though an uphill battle, though family circumstances may be less than ideal, our potential to display something big—for the sake of our kids and in the lives of our kids—is not diminished. Though our families may look different, though the dream of what we wanted to be may be a far cry from where we currently are, there is an achievable end for every one of us—and by extension, our kids. Love—intentional, directed, consistent love.

Which is why Jesus’ words matter. As parents, we don’t have to have perfect circumstances, relationships, marriage, or kids for love to show up and for love to matter. Love demonstrated and observed matters as much now as it ever has. The world is watching—but also and always, our kids are watching. What if we gave them something to watch? To marvel at? To be intrigued by? To be inspired to imitate?

What if . . .
loving our kids,
spouse,
parents,
family

matters more than we ever thought?

More than our dysfunction?
disappointment
disenchantment?

Because we never know who’s taking note—a stranger, or our very own child. We never know who is observing, desperate for a picture of something good. Something real. Something magic.

In your commitment to display love, you may give someone—especially those you share a roof with—the opportunity to snap a mental picture of you—and give them Jesus in the process.

Empathy is Tonic

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Spooked

My daughter spends most of her free time at the stables where she rides horses. She will happily muck stalls (aka shovel poop), wash horses, and hand pick fungus off their legs. Now, will she clean her bathroom, hang up a wet towel, or care to not leave trash under bed? Absolutely not. But I digress.

You see, the farm is her happy place—it’s the place where she feels most like herself. At school, she is highly anxious and nervous about what others think. At home, she takes out all of those frustrations on her family. But at the farm, she is calm and capable, fully in control of herself and her horse. She is her most authentic self there.

But something happened this summer while at the farm. She experienced a few incidents that reminded her that as much as she loves this horse, it is still in fact a large animal. As she was on a trail ride, the horse spooked, galloped back to the barn, and she was unable to control it. It wouldn’t respond to direction which terrified my daughter. For a month, what was supposed to give my daughter therapy and calm, did nothing but create fear and anxiety.

An “Irrational” Fear

The breaking point was when I received a phone call from her in a panic asking me to come pick her up early from the barn, that she didn’t want to do the trail ride (the same trail where the horse lost control). I walked into the barn and there she was having a full on panic attack. She had the horse in the stall but the door wouldn’t shut. It was jammed. She was afraid the horse was going to trample her.

I walked up and assessed the situation. The horse was calmly eating hay in the stall. It wasn’t angry. It wasn’t bucking. But Sinclair was absolutely convinced otherwise. So I took the lead rope from her hands and stood there with her. I spoke both to her and the horse calmly. I encouraged her to take deep breaths, even as she yelled at me.

What would have happened if I saw Sinclair’s panic and raised her with judgment, shame, or intensity? I don’t know exactly, but I do know it wouldn’t have helped the situation. You see, I saw  there was nothing to fear in the moment. I saw the calm horse. But Sinclair didn’t. And I do know what it’s like to have a panic attack. I do know what it’s like to be afraid of something so greatly that it paralyzes you. So that’s where I chose to meet her. I met her from a place of understanding. That’s empathy.

Empathy is Tonic

I think one of the greatest things we need to develop as parents is empathy. My daughter didn’t need a lecture. She didn’t need me to see her and walk away. She didn’t need tough love in the moment. She needed me to sit with her long enough for her to figure out what needed to happen. She needed my presence, not my fixing.

Eventually, my daughter told me to loop the rope around the horse’s neck, and together we walked the horse to another stall. She was fully capable of figuring out what needed to happen next.  My empathy and presence allowed her to do what she needed to do. My empathy was tonic to her.

Real Emotions

In parenting, it is so easy to lack empathy. It’s easy to show up with quick fixes. Trust me, in a house full of girls there are a lot of tears over the silliest things. Hearing a girl cry is like the old fable about the boy who cried wolf. I’m nearly numb to the tears.

But despite our more realistic assessment of the situation, our kids are real humans with real emotions experiencing real things. Just like we do.

Have you ever put yourself in their shoes?

In Their Shoes

When was the last time you felt afraid?
When was the last time you felt unsure of yourself?
When was the last time you felt anxious about something?

Those feelings are all normal, yet we often dismiss them in our kids. We want to skirt them and push past them. We tell them to just get over it. Taking the time to pull up a chair and sit with them feels unnecessary and time consuming.

Even if I am not afraid of the same things, I know what fear feels like. I know what anxiety and stress feel like.

And when I feel afraid, how do I want people to react towards me?

Do I want judgment?
Do I want someone to patronize me?
Do I want to feel shame?
Do I want someone to yell at me?

No. I want someone to sit there with me. Maybe even in silence. I need time and space to work through the emotion. I need someone to say, “I know.” “I get it.” “I’ve been there.” “Me too.”

And my kids need the same thing. I don’t have to solve the problem. I need to sit with them long enough for them to move through whatever it is.  They need my presence. They need my comfort. They need my understanding.

Empathy is tonic.

When we choose to respond with empathy, it is a balm for our kids. No fixes, solutions. Just empathy.

5 Things to Know About Dads of Daughters

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Raising a daughter is one of the scariest endeavors I’ve ever faced. Once we got past the toddler phase with our son, I had a fairly good idea of what to do; we played catch, we talked about sports and we laughed at body noises. I made my share of mistakes raising our son, but I was at least on familiar ground.

When our daughter came along, that completely changed. We also played catch, talked about sports and laughed at body noises, at least when she was young, but there were so many more layers to our relationship. When my son did something dumb I could just say: “Dude, don’t ever do that again. Got it?” and it was settled. With my daughter, that simple sentence led to incredible levels of angst and emotion. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for my daughter, but there were so many things I didn’t understand, and I know I baffled her as well. 

My daughter is grown now and living on her own. We have a great relationship, but I often wish I could go back and try again to be a better father. There are so many things I wish she understood about how I felt as her dad, but I didn’t have the words. I can’t go back, but I can pass on a few things I know most dads wish their daughters knew about them.

Dads will always see their daughter as their little girl.

My daughter is a beautiful young woman living halfway across the country. She has an apartment, a career, and a boyfriend. But to me, she is still that talented little girl rollerblading in our driveway. Even though she is all grown up and capable of taking care of herself, she is still daddy’s little girl. But that perspective can inadvertently present itself as not seeing her for the talented adult that she is. In my words and actions, I need to remind myself (and her) that I am proud of the capable adult she is becoming.

Read more: Secrets for Dads from a Daughter

Dads have a God-given instinct to protect.

Every healthy father has a deep desire to protect his little girl from harm. It’s not because he doesn’t think she can take care of herself, or that he thinks girls are less capable than boys. When dads insist on more background checks than the CIA on a potential boyfriend, he is simply responding to the ingrained need to protect his daughter from harm. Our daughters think it’s a pain, but it’s what we do. It’s in our job description. As dads, we need to remind ourselves that this can look like we trust our sons more, or that girls can’t manage themselves. It can help to talk to our daughters about our dad instincts within the context of how much we cherish them.

Dads want a window into their daughter’s world.

When my daughter was young, we talked all the time. We talked about sports and music and Spongebob Squarepants. As she moved into the teen years, however, it became harder and harder to find common ground. Eventually, she felt like I was prying and snooping more than just trying to talk. While there was some snooping going on (see the point above), mostly I just wanted to know what she liked, what she cared about, and what she thought. It means the world to a dad when he gets a peek into his daughter’s world. I have found that asking open-ended questions about her likes, dislikes, and inviting her to share her feelings about them—versus asking what she is doing and why—opens that window without putting her on the defensive.

Dads often don’t understand how daughters feel.

I am sure dads seem completely clueless to their daughters, and often it’s because they are. Girls process experiences through a completely different lens than boys, so dads often have no map for the world of emotions. We aren’t being insensitive or uncaring, we honestly have no idea what our daughters are feeling. Expecting a dad to intuitively know how they feel is like asking a blind man to understand color. Dad wants to understand, but he needs help. Here’s where opening your eyes and ears (while keeping your mouth mostly shut) can be helpful. Notice her body language and the look on her face while she is talking. Be honest and tell her when you don’t understand, and invite her to help you get there. Don’t feel like you have to fix whatever is wrong even though you will desperately want to.

Dads want their daughters to be happy and successful when they grow up.

A dad thinks all the time about what his daughter’s life will be like when she leaves the house. He worries that the decisions made now will have a negative impact down the road. He knows that the wrong friends, the wrong activities and the wrong experiences can have consequences for the rest of their life. He doesn’t mean to ruin his daughter’s life now, but he wants her future to be amazing. But this can come across as, “Dad never wants me to have fun.” So invite your daughter to share what she’s dreaming about for her life, try to suspend judgement, and listen. Look her right in the eye, and tell her she’s beautiful and talented and the daughter you’ve always dreamed of.

Things to Consider

1. Have you taken the time to tell your daughter how you feel about her? For some dads, this much emotion can feel uncomfortable and you might struggle with the right words. Consider writing your daughter a letter or a note that she can keep for years to come.

2. Consider sharing one or more of the points above with your daughter that especially rings true with you. Helping her to understand your role as her dad can open up great conversation.

3 Things Your Daughter Wants from You

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

When birthdays and Christmas roll around, my wife is much better than I am at getting meaningful gifts for our daughters. Why? Because she’s better informed about their hearts and their dreams than I often am. And she’s so good at translating that information into gifts that reflect an intimate knowledge of each of our daughters. But what a daughter needs from her dad is different.

Daughters need more than just “perfect” birthday and Christmas gifts. Year-round, they want evidence of their dad’s presence and love. Using my knowledge of them, like the knowledge my wife uses to find treasured presents for them, I can give my girls what they need—3 things every daughter needs from her dad.

1. She needs to know her dad sees and knows her.

“Our daughters notice when we don’t notice them.”

Our daughters notice when we don’t notice them. Just being with them (or more accurately, “near them”) isn’t enough. If we are not engaging in eye-to-eye contact and noticing them in the regular and the spectacular moments of life, they will feel increasingly unimportant to you. They’ll feel lost in the background. They notice when we’re not listening. For our daughters, being seen and known is part of being cherished.

2. She needs to know her dad believes in her.

This is more than just telling her you believe in her. We need to put our words into action. We need to show our young girls that we believe enough in their raw talent that we are willing to make sacrifices so they can grow and that we are willing to invest in the tools that’ll make that possible. That is how we show our belief in our daughters. That is the evidence they need to be certain of this.

3. She needs to know her dad accepts her just as she is.

Your daughter isn’t always going to feel lovable and awesome. I have been learning through the years to balance adding fuel to the fires of my daughters’ dreams with reinforcing my unconditional love and acceptance of them just as they are today. If she exasperates me, if she ignores me, if she pushes against my values or rules or hard-earned life wisdom, I reassure her, every day if  I can, that I still accept her unconditionally, just as she is.

Earn some points: Are you married? Help your wife’s relationship with your daughter by sharing this iMOM article with your wife: 5 Ways to Build a Strong Mom-Daughter Bond.

Three Reasons to Praise Your Kids More

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

I have a much easier time noticing the bad than recognizing the good. It’s also important to me to keep things clean. So even when our kids have spruced up part of the house, it’s still a whole lot easier for me to focus on the other areas that are still undone than to focus on the positive, to praise the good work that’s already been done.

I look more often for reasons to be critical than I look for reasons to praise. However, I’m learning that while my criticisms can be deflating to my family, my praise can be edifying and motivating. I’m constantly reminded of the power of praise. A proverb says “death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Our words matter and we will eat the fruit of them. Here are three of the fruits of praise.

1. Praise is powerful.

Every day, we can infuse life into our families through words of affirmation or we can take life away and crush their spirits through unnecessary words of criticism. Our words have tremendous power. When I intentionally praise my kids, they smile instantly. Why wouldn’t I want to build my family up with my words? One of the best places to do this is during the pride exercise at our All Pro Dad Chapter meetings. 2. Praise is positive.

Our families face enough negative in the world around us on a daily basis. To receive praise in the home is sweet and refreshing. If we focus on the positive and praise it, our kids know we are on their side and that we are proud of them. Praise reminds our children that “home is where I want to be, and where I belong.” A praise-filled home is a positive place, where I am loved for who I am, not judged for who I am.

3. Praise is productive.

“When we acknowledge that we’ve seen what we want to see, we’ll start to see more of it.”

In any area of life, you always get more of what you affirm. When my children know I’m proud of them and I go out of my way to praise them for a behavior, they’re motivated to do more of the same. One of our children especially desires to be praised and when we praise him, he is motivated to please us even more. I love the principle “say what you want to see.”When we acknowledge that we’ve seen what we want to see, we’ll start to see more of it.

5 Attitudes Designed to Help Your Family Live in Peace

* The following article was copied from www.allprodad.com.

In 1938, as Europe hurtled toward another world war, Britain’s prime minister, Neville Chamberlain, signed the Munich Agreement. Chamberlain remembered World War One only too well, and he desperately wanted things to be different. He waved his little piece of paper at the airport, and he declared he had secured, “Peace in our time.”

But in avoiding conflict at any cost, the prime minister made a move than virtually guaranteed a more devastating confrontation in the future. Chamberlain did not understand that a peace that counts is anything but passive; he didn’t grasp the truth that active peace brings something intentional to the table, he didn’t remember that real peace has nothing to do with fear.

Likewise, it’s too easy for families to dodge conflict, shut down communication, secure “a little peace and quiet,” and cost themselves the opportunity for coming together. Peace is not a negative value; it’s not the absence of anything. No, it turns out to be a lot more proactive than that.

1. Joy.

Research demonstrates that a positive attitude reduces stress. And we all know reduced parental stress lowers tension in the home. So do yourself a favor, Dad. Turn off the talk radio, park the car, take a deep breath, and bring a smile into the kitchen.

2. Patience.

Patience is a decision. Here’s the equation: listen, absorb, clarify, reflect, respond. Peace is more probable when we take the time not to react.

3. Kindness.

Again, it is a decision. Random acts of kindness are okay, but we recommend deliberate, applied, unrestrained kindness.

4. Generosity.

We’re not talking about money here, but about generosity in relationships—giving the benefit of the doubt, preemptive love strikes, and giving forgiveness.

5. Faithfulness.

A lot of discord comes out of uncertainty. As a dad, you can eliminate a lot of uncertainty by being so resolutely and predictably faithful in all the ways that count. Be the husband mom can count on, the dad the kids feel safe with, the powerfully positive presence that carries certainty and peace in its wake.

Moving Beyond the Holi-Daze

* The following article was copied from www.theparencue.org.

10 Tips to Prepare for the Holiday Season

Here it comes, right on cue! It’s November already, and the Christmas commercials have started appearing on television, stores are all decked with holly, and your kids are probably already begging for new “stuff” under the Christmas tree.

For many of us, the holiday season is a time that is anticipated with both joy and anxiety. Sure, we love the celebrations, the family traditions, and we cherish the memories of holidays gone by; but along with them, we add the stresses of preparation, expectations and the fear of letdowns, or family squabbles that we have experienced in the past. In a real sense, many of us are looking straight into the face of the holi-daze, not the holidays. With this in mind, here are 10 tips that can help restore some sanity to your family, and hopefully make for an enjoyable, meaningful holiday season.

1. Set manageable expectations.

Spend some time now setting realistic and manageable expectations for your holiday season. So, be realistic and upfront about what your family can do. Make a list of what is possible and prioritize your most important events and activities for you and your family. Then, pace yourself. Organize your time. Keep in mind that it’s the holiday “season” (not “day”) and spread out your activities to lessen stress and increase enjoyment.

2. Remember the holiday season does not eliminate sadness or loneliness.

Old problems and difficulties continue, and new ones can arise during the holiday season. And for some, the holiday season evokes painful memories from recent events or the loss of loved ones. Give room for yourself and your family to experience and express these feelings. But try not to let them become a consuming focus. Make an effort to work through present challenges and conflicts.

3. Acknowledge the past but look toward the future.

Life brings changes. Each season of life is different. Determine to enjoy this holiday season for what it is. Acknowledging the past, whether it was good or bad, is appropriate. But, if you find that this year has been a rough one and you don’t anticipate having the best holiday season ever, try not to set yourself up for disappointment by comparing today with the “good old days.” Take advantage of the joys the present holiday season has to offer.

4. Develop and encourage a life of gratitude.

Gratitude is an attribute that transcends circumstances. No matter what your circumstances, I believe there is reason to be thankful in them. Your circumstances may never change, but your attitude toward them can change . . . and this can make all the difference. For Christians, giving thanks should be an everyday occurrence, and not just something we do on Thanksgiving Day. We have a special reason to adopt the attitude of gratitude, because we know that whatever comes, our times are in God’s hands. It was Jesus who said in effect, “So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow, too.” (See Matthew 6:34.)

If you want to help your kids develop an attitude of gratitude, I encourage you to try an experiment that might radically influence your family, and it’s a great exercise in the days leading up to Thanksgiving or Christmas for that matter. It’s called “Thank Therapy.” Thank Therapy is simply focusing on the many things in your life for which you can be thankful.  Get started by having each family member create individual lists of “Twenty Reasons Why I’m Thankful.” Share your lists as a family on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day.

5. Do something for someone else.

One of the ways we can demonstrate that we are grateful to God for His many blessings is to help others. Even if this has been a difficult year for you and your family, helping others will help you too, as your focus will move from your own circumstances into serving others. There are always people who can use a helping hand. So, enrich this holiday season for your family by getting involved in serving others.

6. Enjoy activities that are cheap or free.

There are many good holiday-related activities that will add to your family’s enjoyment that are either free or low-cost such as driving around to look at Christmas decorations, decorating your home together as a family, baking Christmas cookies, going window-shopping, or playing in the snow (or on the beach if you live in Southern California like me).

7. Enjoy a family holiday tradition.

Traditions provide opportunities to keep your family’s legacy going. They create meaningful memories. So from the silly to the sentimental, if your family has established Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions, be sure to include them in your holiday activity plans if possible.

8. Try something new.

Traditions are great, but sometimes families find themselves in a rut, celebrating the holidays in exactly the same fashion, year after year. This can result in your family experiencing a holiday funk. Think about finding a new way to celebrate the holiday season this year. You may just create a new tradition that will keep going for generations!

9. Spend money responsibly.

Thanks to our culture and the well-thought out marketing strategies by retailers, the holiday season always brings with it a big temptation to spend lots of money, especially when it comes to purchasing Christmas presents for your family. Don’t be afraid to say no to this temptation. The following is simple but good advice for every family: Don’t spend beyond your means and don’t rack up significant credit card debt! While your family may be thrilled by expensive gifts on Christmas Day, don’t forget that come springtime, your kids may have laid aside or forgotten those gifts, even while you’re struggling to make the payments. Decide now to be financially responsible this holiday season!

10. Carve out some time for yourself!

Don’t take on all of the responsibilities of your family’s holiday celebrations by yourself. Share the load. For example, assign responsibilities to your family members for preparation and clean-up of your Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. Create some space during the holidays for you to recharge your own batteries.

Dr. Jim Burns

Joy in the Chaos

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

My son is asking for a car this Christmas. He’s four. He started asking for one months ago. And I— foolishly—thought it would be an idea that waned with time. Not so much. He gets fixated on things and doesn’t let go. Which can only mean one thing. Christmas morning is sure to be a little disappointing for my boy.

He is his mother’s son. I can relate. I have a long history of being a bit of a wreck on Christmas. I love anticipation, hype, excitement. But I hate the letdown. And every Christmas, with big hopes and expectations, comes the potential for big let down.

Growing up, it would be over not getting the right toy, size or style. As I’ve gotten older, the let downs are more significant. I’m sure many of you can relate. It seems Christmastime is when the gap is the greatest between the expectation of how things should be and the reality of how things are. It’s a season of hope often followed by a twinge of disenchantment.

It’s hectic family gatherings that require more emotional stability and grace than you feel equipped to handle.

It’s unresolved tensions that result in icy silence or fiery explosions.

It’s childhood magical dreams subtly morphing into incessant demands.

It’s the sense of loss…
of the spouse who isn’t there.
the children who aren’t coming home.
the parents whose absence feels more acute and intense than any other time of the year.

It should be peaceful. Joyful. Hopeful. Magical. And yet, for many, it simply isn’t.

The tension lies in wanting to reclaim the season we want in light of the season we have.

But what if making that happen didn’t have to involve a life renovation? Lewis Smedes writes, “Joy is gratitude,” meaning.

Joy is accessible.
Joy doesn’t have to be a scarcity.
It isn’t happiness.
It isn’t perfection.
It isn’t pretending things aren’t how they really are. It isn’t pasted on smiles and selective memory or hearing. And it’s not just “holding it together.”

Joy is gratitude for what is right even when so much isn’t.

We can be joyful. Because we can be grateful, even in all the difficulty that Christmas may bring. Do we want to un-complicate Christmas?

Then let’s get back to the basics. Look for the good. Look for the right. Look for a reason—any reason at all—to be grateful. Don’t worry about bringing joy to the whole world, but work at bringing joy enough to your world.

Our schedules may be busy.

Our families may be dysfunctional.

Our kids—as hard as we are working to ensure otherwise—may appear to be missing the point of Christmas all together.

But despite all that may be working against us, we have the opportunity to set the tone in a season that was intended to remind us of how involved our God is—at all times. Let’s first be thankful for that.

Deitrich Bonhoeffer wrote a book of Christmas reflections simply called “God Is In The Manger”. In my opinion, I’m not sure he needed to write much more beyond the title. Because that just about sums it up as neatly and beautifully as possible.

The God who made it all, entered it all.
The God behind it all, included us all.
God is in the manger, and all may not be right in the world, but enough is right in the world. 

Yes, joy is gratitude. And we can be grateful that regardless of how we feel over the coming weeks, the unshakable reality is that God showed up 2,000 years ago.

If we refuse to rush through that, if we insist on embracing the miracle that already was in the first Christmas, we may be surprised with a miracle all our own—discovering that though our reality fall short of our deeply felt desires, our joy doesn’t have to.

The Opposite of Gratitude

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

I’m not sure how to make anyone feel grateful. My parents told me that I should be grateful a number of times, but telling me to be grateful didn’t make me feel grateful. Honestly, there were times that I felt guilty because I didn’t feel gratitude.  I actually thought something was wrong with me. Why didn’t I feel grateful when I should feel grateful? Then at some point I grew up and made a simple discovery. “The emotion of feeling grateful doesn’t happen naturally. It is a result of the deliberate choice of demonstrating gratitude.” In other words, you don’t show gratitude because you feel grateful, you feel grateful because you show gratitude.

I know it may surprise you if I say I have a selfish nature. Are you shocked? For those of you who are pure in all of your motives and never struggle with your egos, I am sure you are disappointed in me. But I have struggled with the issue of selfishness for a while, ever since I was born.

So for me, gratefulness is basically the result of overcoming some attitudes that can get buried deep in my human nature. These are attitudes that are the opposite of gratitude. If they go unchecked, they can result in a self-centered and frustrating lifestyle.

The “Never Enough” Attitude

This attitude is about our love affair with stuff, and our habit of being consumed with a materialistic mindset. It’s the trap of thinking that our happiness is connected to what we have, not who we are. We may tend to put more value on our things than we do our relationships. It is the reason why your children can get mad because they didn’t get popcorn when you just took them to the movie. We live in a culture that fuels this attitude, and it has the potential to crowd out living simple and grateful lives.

The “I Deserve It” Attitude

It’s easy to start believing that we automatically deserve things. It can happen to an individual, or a nation. It’s just the natural progression of a society that raises children who get whatever they want. Over time, there is a tendency to start believing that you deserve everything that you have. Think about it. Why should you be grateful for something that you are entitled to have? Why should you be grateful for a job that doesn’t pay you what you think you are worth? Why should you be grateful for your car when so many people you know are driving one better? We are programmed to believe that we deserve the best.

The “It’s All About Me” Attitude

Maybe you were raised in the kind of “child-centered” home that convinced you everything exists for you. It’s easy to grow up and embrace the notion that the entire planet somehow revolves around you and your issues. It rarely occurs to you that you should consistently sacrifice and put other people’s needs before your own needs. It is also difficult to comprehend that you have probably benefitted in numerous ways, because others have invested or sacrificed to help you.

The Attitude of Gratitude

The point is all of these attitudes can sabotage your potential to be grateful. And more than likely you can’t “feel” your way out of them. You have to take specific action. You have to become intentional about showing gratitude if you hope to become a grateful person:

• If you want to battle the “never enough” attitude, you have to become a person who buys less and gives more.

• If you want to get over the “I deserve it” attitude you should do your job diligently, celebrate the small things, keep your expectations in check.

• What about the “it’s all about me” attitude? Well you can start by making a list this Thanksgiving of all the people that have made small and big differences in your life. Then write one person a note, or make a call every week to say, “Thank you” for what they have done in your life. You could also schedule some time to help someone else. Make sure it’s someone who can’t do anything for you in return. We’ve also got some free Gratitude Cards to help you get started!

Remember, you will never be grateful until you do something about showing gratitude.

Helping Your Kids Navigate Their 27 Different Emotions

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Have you ever found yourself in tears for no real reason? Or have you ever been so frustrated that you wanted to throw something? (Maybe you even did!) Or have you ever woken up one morning with an overwhelming sense of anxiety but couldn’t quite pinpoint what exactly you’re so worried about?

27 Different Emotions

Studies say that we have at least twenty-seven different, distinct emotions. Twenty-seven. Maybe that surprises you. Maybe you’re a fairly even-tempered, steady person who doesn’t experience super high highs or super low lows. Or, maybe you believe that stat because you’ve lived it. Maybe you’ve had twenty-seven emotions since you woke up today.

Either way, the fact is that humans are capable of feeling a lot. A lot quantity-wise and a lot depth-wise.

Have you ever stopped to think about how your kid is (or isn’t) navigating their twenty-seven emotions? Imagine being six years old and waking up with an uneasy feeling in your tummy and not really knowing what it’s all about. You don’t even know the word anxiety—much less the source of your discomfort.

That’s the situation some of our kids find themselves in—experiencing a wide range of emotions and not having the context, life-experience, or even the language to talk about them.

There are a few simple steps you can take as a parent to help them navigate their variety of emotions and process what they’re feeling.

1. First, Recognize the moment.

Whether or not your kid expresses their emotions openly, they’re definitely experiencing them. If you have a more reserved child, knowing when they’re feeling emotional may require you to observe changes in their behavior. Are they more quiet than normal? Have less of an appetite? Are they sleeping significantly more or less? Be a student of your kid and keep a pulse on when they’re not quite themselves.

2. Then, Remove them from the source.

Tell your kid that it’s okay to respectfully walk away from a situation or person before they take action on how they’re feeling. Give them permission to go into the other room and scream into a pillow. Walking away helps them take control of their emotions.

3. Next, Tell them to breathe.

It is scientifically proven that you will be incapable of thinking until you get blood and air back to certain parts of your brain once the adrenaline of a particularly emotional moment moves it elsewhere. Tell your kid to take deep breaths in and out until they seem calmer or more stable.

4. Then, Help them name it.

You can’t manage your emotions if you don’t know what you actually feel. Create a feelings chart so they can easily and visually determine what they’re feeling. Or, if they already know how they’re feeling, give them a sliding scale to rate it. For example, How angry are you? From “a little mad” to “ready to scream your head off”? Or, Are you more sad or less sad than that time it rained out your birthday party?

It may seem silly, but giving them context for what they’re feeling will help your kid weigh and process the levity of their current emotional state.

5. Finally, Refocus.

Give them a next step in addressing their emotion. If they’re bummed about failing their math test, suggest the two of you sit down and look at the incorrect responses to see where they went wrong. If they’re mad that their sister got a playdate and they didn’t, get out the family calendar and make a suggestion for the next time they get to have a friend over. Don’t solve their problem—just redirect their focus.

The most important thing you can do when it comes to helping kids navigate their emotions is to communicate that all emotions—even ones that make us uncomfortable are okay. There is no “bad” or “wrong” way to feel—only unwise or hurtful ways to respond.

Reassure them that what they’re feeling is temporary, but that the way you feel about them will never, ever change.

5 Ways to Build Rapport with the Leaders in Your Kid's Life

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

Lots of relationships in life come without a manual. How exactly do people learn to . . .

· Be a good spouse?

· A good student?

· A good parent?

· A good coffee-shop customer?

Without any instruction, you can wonder “am I doing this right?” And just like all of those, it can be hard to know how to relate to the leaders in your kid’s life. Maybe your child is in a small group at a church or in a Sunday school class. Maybe you’re thinking of a teacher or a coach.

What do you say?

Do you offer to show up?

Is that weird?

The truth is having a good relationship with your kid’s small group leader, or any leader in their life, is tricky. It will look different at every age, with every kid, and with every leader. But, as a long-time small group leader, I can tell you there are a few tricks to build rapport with your kid’s leader,  ensuring that relationship is a good one.

1. Introduce yourself.

Let’s just be honest. Meeting people is awkward. None of us are good at it. And on top of that, meeting a parent can be really intimidating, especially if you aren’t a parent yourself. That’s why one of the kindest things you can do is take the pressure off by introducing yourself first. Ask for coffee. Shoot them a text.

However you do it, your kid’s leader will be grateful you made the first move.

2. Ask questions without questioning.

Not everything your kid’s small group does will make sense. If they’re little, they may come home smelling like glue and still shaking off the glitter. If they’re older, you may pick them up from camp with a bad attitude, a sleepy face, and the distinct smell of Doritos and energy drinks. So it’s natural to wonder what in the WORLD that group is doing. And good news . . . it’s okay to ask!

Most of the time your kid’s leader wishes you knew just how much is going on in your kid’s group and how they’re growing. But just like every question, tone is key. Even if you aren’t sure an activity was wise or helpful, try to ask questions about what happened and why before asking questions like, “what were you thinking?”

Even if they make mistakes, the person leading your kid’s group is pouring out a lot of their time and energy and attention because they love your kid. And that alone is a good reason to assume the best intentions, even while asking about something that doesn’t make sense.

3. Honor the relationship.

Your kid’s small group leader is not your kid’s playmate. They’re your kid’s leader. Chances are they’ve been through some training on working with kids this age. As a leader, they handle a lot of responsibility both for the physical safety and the spiritual health of a whole group of kids. And even if they’re younger than you—by a lot, even if they are just a teenager themselves—to your kid they are a trusted adult. And it’s important to talk TO them and ABOUT them that way.

In doing so, you not only build trust with the leader (after all, nobody wants to be talked down to), but you also teach your child that their leader is a trustworthy person and what they’re saying matters.

4. Say thanks.

Is there anything better than a thank-you note? Why, yes. Yes there is. It’s called a gift card. Especially as your kid gets older, their leader may be investing more than you realize in their future. Giving rides, showing up every week, taking vacation days to go to camp, and more vacation days for weekend retreats, staying up to answer late-night texts, and showing up at sporting events all come at a price.

So why not refill their (coffee, gas, emotional) tank with a thank-you note and a gift card?

5. Offer to help.

The mantra of a great small group leader is “make it happen.” But making the magic happen is far easier when someone comes alongside you to offer rides, make snacks, host an overnight, plan the service project, or organize and communicate with the other parents. If you aren’t sure what to offer, simply send your kid’s leader the list above and says something like this, “Hey, I read this article that said these were some ways to help out the leaders in your kid’s life. Would any of those be helpful to you? If so, I’m happy to jump in!” Even if the leader says they have everything covered, they will appreciate you asking.

So, what can you do this week to start building a little more rapport with the leaders who are investing in your kid’s lives week after week?

You Are Not Your Child's Sin

* The following article was copied from www.thegospelcoalition.com.

Do you have one of “those” kids? Every family should have at least one. They humble you. They break the mold of the family, and usually their parents at the same time.

A while back, I was at a three-day training in the summer. They had day camps for my kids to attend while I was at the training. Since it was about six hours from home, I rented an Airbnb, left my husband to his work, and drove all the kids out there by myself.

The Incident

Once I got everyone fed after the first day, one of my kids told me about “an incident” that happened that day with one of my other kids. He’d had one of his meltdowns, something we hadn’t seen in a while. He had thrown a chair, and there was yelling and crying.

Of course, there can be many reasons for a child’s meltdown, some even outside the child’s control. A sin-warped world—in which children often experience tiredness, immaturity, past trauma, illness, and developmental challenges—may contribute to a meltdown just as much as ill intent. But, whatever the root cause, it is not okay to throw chairs and scare other children.

The child who came to me was embarrassed by what her brother had done, and she didn’t want to tattle, but she thought I needed to know.

The next morning, as I dropped off my kids at their classrooms, I dropped off the one with the incident last. I wanted to speak with his teacher and make sure everything was okay. She was busy checking kids in, so I stepped back and waited. I was then approached by the superviser of the day camps.

“So, we had an incident yesterday.”

“Yes, one of my kids told me about it.”

She proceeded to tell me the details, and let me know how they responded, and how the day ended. In my mind, they had done everything right, but I was scared she was going to tell me that he couldn’t come anymore. This child got kicked out of things often enough, and I needed this training. It felt like a non-negotiable for my family.

“I’m so, so, so very sorry,” I stammered out.

Set Free

This woman looked at me and cocked her head with questioning eyes. “Why are you sorry? You weren’t even there. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your son did. I just need to make sure that he agrees to our code of conduct before returning to class.”

Her statement caught me off guard—I had never heard those words in my 14 years of parenting. They struck deep. I bit my lip. My face got hot, and to my embarrassment, I started crying. A pent-up dam was released. As a mom of six children, I hear it all. “Control your kids.” “Your kid shouldn’t be doing that.” “Keep an eye on your kid.”

Her statement caught me off guard—I had never heard those words in my 14 years of parenting.

The worst is when I hear these messages spoken passive-aggressively about other parents, and then I internalize them. When kids act up in public it’s: “Some parents just don’t discipline.” “Some parents just don’t teach boundaries.” “No one teaches manners anymore.” “Parents just need to learn to say ‘no.’”

While all that might be true, I get so weary of people thinking I’m the cause of my children’s sinful nature. I must not be trying hard enough. If I just parented them better, they wouldn’t deal with sin anymore.

That’s a weight that suffocates parents today.

Sufficient Savior

Even though I knew Jesus took my sin, I still bore the burden of my children’s sin. I mentally, emotionally, and often physically bore the weight of it. God deals with my sin, therefore I should deal with my kids’ sin. I’m God’s ambassador to them, after all.

Yes, but I am not the Savior.

Even though I knew Jesus took my sin, I still bore the burden of my children’s sin.

Whenever I think back to that conversation, I’m reminded that I’m not built to bear my kids’ sin. There is only One strong enough to bear the guilt of others, and his name is Jesus. That sweet woman in charge of those day camps made that clear to me.

Parents, take on the light yoke of pointing your children to Jesus. Your role as a parent does involve discipline. It does involve being an ambassador. It does involve prayer, training, and correction. But it does not involve bearing some kind of “righteous guilt” over what they have done.

Teach your children right from wrong (the law). Teach them also what God has done for our wrong, and what that means for us (the gospel).

Jesus bore the weight of sin on the cross. He alone is the weight-bearer, and what a relief his strength is—especially on our worst days.

What's Worrying Our Girls

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

What’s Worrying our Girls

By nature, girls want to please. Girls define themselves against a backdrop of relationship. Feeling known and loved is crucial. So to say something that might sound crazy or weird, or might make others reject them, can feel like a terrible risk. You might not like me anymore, they think. Even more than that, you might not love me. You might think I’m crazy. Maybe I am . . .

And so the thought that should be a flash gets stuck. It becomes what I refer to daily in my offices as the one-loop roller coaster at the fair. The thought goes around and around and around in the quiet of kids’ heads and becomes deafening.

The Worry Monster

I feel sick. I’m going to throw up.
 I can’t go to school. No one there likes me.
 I have to check and recheck this until I get it right. I can’t mess up. A little fear becomes a big worry. And that worry loops around and around and around . . . until it feels a lot like a gigantic, catastrophic, insurmountable monster of anxiety. We’ll call him the Worry Monster.

In her worries, your daughter often feels alone. She doesn’t know that others feel the same way, because it’s too scary to put her worries into words. Maybe people won’t like her. Or they’ll think she’s weird. So she thinks she’s the only one and that something is wrong with her.

This isn’t unusual. When something goes wrong in a girl’s world, she usually blames herself. (Boys are much more likely to blame someone else, such as Mom. Sorry, moms.)

How Parents Can Help

It doesn’t help that we adults often don’t know she’s battling a worry monster. We only see her tears. Or anger. Or hear the endless questions. Her outsides don’t match her insides, and her worries come out sideways through a whole host of other emotions. We don’t understand. Neither does she.

The more she listens to the tricks the Worry Monster tries to play on her, the stronger he gets. But the more we learn about her Worry Monster, the weaker he gets.

When your daughter has a little help, a lot of empowerment, and a foundational faith, worries don’t have to carry the same power in her life.

It’s how you and she respond that makes the difference. Our goal is to understand fear, move through worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

Understand the fear, move through the worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

When Worry Turns Into Anxiety

Worry turns into anxiety for a variety of reasons. Trauma can cause a child who worries to develop anxiety. Genetics can, as well. Personality, environment, life circumstances, and a whole host of factors can cause a child who worries to become a child with anxiety. As I said, fears pass with time, experience, and trust. Worries come and go, for all of us. But anxiety, left untreated, only gets worse.

With anxiety, we’ve got a really wide scope. It’s not “of” or “about” something. It’s “I have” or “I am.”

It’s a state of being: “I have anxiety,” “I am anxious.” And sadly, this state often comes to define us or the kids we love. In all my years of counseling, I’ve never had so many girls give me “I am” statements as they have about anxiety in the past five or so years.

Just as there is a continuum from fear to anxiety, there is also a continuum within anxiety itself.

Anxiety looks different on different girls. It varies in intensity and expression.

Girls with anxiety overestimate the threat and underestimate themselves and their ability to cope. The worst-case scenario becomes a normal life perspective.

Another primary factor of anxiety is that anxiety is born out of fear but has a response that is disproportionate to the fear itself.

understand fear, move through worries, and help her not get stuck in a loop of anxiety.

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Why Her?

Maybe you’ve noticed that your daughter seems to have more fears than her friends do. Maybe she talks often about worst-case scenarios. Maybe her teacher has mentioned anxiety. Or your girl has. Whatever the situation, I know you want your daughter to feel braver, stronger, and smarter. You want her to have a faith that brings her peace and comfort. But, right now, it’s not happening. The Worry Monster seems to have a bigger voice than she does. And, because her Worry Monster is in control, your Worry Monster is starting to turn up the volume with you.

I got a text from a friend this week who knew I was working on this book. “Here’s the deal,” she said. “We want to know:

1. How we can help our kids, and

2. What we did to cause this problem. We’re all feeling a lot of mom guilt over here.”

I do not want you to be reading this with, or out of, mom guilt or dad guilt or anyone guilt. If your daughter is a worrier or has anxiety, I know you may be asking yourself, “Why her?” She is very likely asking herself, “Why me?”

Let me tell you what I say to every girl facing anxiety: “You feel this way because you’re really great. The smartest, most conscientious, try-hard, care-about-things girls I know are the ones who struggle with anxiety. It’s honestly because you’re awesome. You care so much, and that’s the bottom line of why you worry.”

I’m serious, let’s start there. The girls I see who live with anxiety are some of the most hardworking, caring, intentional, kind, brilliant girls I know. Things matter to them. Everything matters to them, which can make life hard. And it can make it hard to know when or how to turn that kind of care off.

The smartest, most conscientious, try-hard, care-about-things girls I know are the ones who struggle with anxiety.

She’s Not Alone

Also, it’s helpful for her to know she’s in good company. I tell girls that anxiety is the primary mental health problem among children and teens. Not that I would use that the phrase “mental health” in my office with girls themselves, necessarily.

But it does help her a lot to know she’s not the only one struggling. I explain it more like, “I talk to girls every day who worry more than they wish they would. They have trouble turning those good brains of theirs off, and so they have lots of looping thoughts.

And believe me, I have heard girls say they’re worried about everything you can imagine. There is nothing you could say that would surprise me or make me think less of you.”

Helping Preteens Discover Courage

* The following article was copied from www.theparentcue.org.

When we hear the word courage, we often think of these grandiose moments of bravery. Experiences like leaping off a high-dive, trying out for an ultra-competitive team, or taking your first step off a zip-line seem like the most appropriate ways for us to help our kids to understand courage.

But what if courage is more ordinary than that? What if courage is an idea that shows up in the everyday as we interact with friends and family, go to school, and navigate the world of extra-curricular activities?

Read anything on Generation Z, and you’ll find that stress and anxiety are hallmarks of these kids and teenagers. On the surface, it might appear that preteens primarily eat (pizza, gum, and anything with the word sour in it), sleep (nightly campaigning to push their bedtime an hour later), and go to school (begrudgingly). So, if that’s really all they do, why do they always look so tired and frazzled?

Days of rest really don’t really exist anymore. The reality is that preteens are feeling caught in their schedule, their access to culture, and the pressure to succeed. And the expectations placed on them are often too unrealistic for them to handle. As preteens figure out how to navigate these expectations, they face unprecedented anxiety.

But we know they don’t have to navigate these feelings on their own. We can help them discover how to find courage to face those expectations and come out stronger on the other side.

Here are some quick ideas to get you started:

1. The Courage to Say No.

The first step in navigating their stressful world is learning how to discern which activities are worth their time and will give them life rather than stress them out. Learning how to say “no” will be a skill they’ll use for the rest of their life. And yes, it sometimes takes courage not to do something because they’ll feel like they’re missing out or letting someone down. Help them understand that creating breathing room in their schedule will be more beneficial to them in the long run.

2. The Courage to Try New Things.

Make practicing courage a regular part of your family. Whether it’s a new cuisine, a new vacation spot, or a new activity, your family can set the tone for what it means to have courage. The more we try new things, the easier it becomes to, well, try new things. We want to raise kids who will meet the challenge of the world head on, which most often will take them out of their comfort zone. Teach them what this can look like while they’re still with you and learning what it means to be an adult.

3. The Courage to Ask for Help.

Help kids realize that they don’t have to struggle on their own. We all need others to help us figure things out from time to time. During the preteen years, our kids will be stretched in all sorts of ways and will need help sorting it all out. Learning to ask for help, could be the key to their long-term success.

4. The Courage to Fail and Make Mistakes.

Help your kids understand that failure and mistakes are part of the learning process. How we respond when our kids bring home a bad grade, get in trouble at school, or miss their free-throws will determine what they believe about failure. Create a safe place at home where failure is a catalyst to success, rather than a reason to stop trying.

5. The Courage to Be Themselves.

The preteen years play a huge role in the formation of their identity. They can go from skate punk to preppy in a matter of a few days depending on their latest group of friends. Don’t freak out, but give them space to discover who they really are and what they like. Encourage them to be confident in who they are as individuals created in the image of God rather than what their peers might think of them.

Your kid will face all sorts of situations throughout their preteen years that will require him or her to summon an added dose of courage. But remember, your words and actions have power in their life. Speak life to them. Be their biggest cheerleaders. Be the one that offers the most grace. Your constant love and support could be the catalyst for how they show courage in the future.

Growing With Parent Podcast

Drs. Kara Powell and Steve Argue coauthored the book Growing With: Every Parent’s Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in Their Faith, Family and Future. Join Kara and Steve as they have real conversations with thoughtful parents about the ups and downs of parenting adolescents and emerging adults.

Click here to go to their podcast page.

Making Your Home a Sanctuary for Your Family

* The following article was copied from www.familylife.com.

One of my favorite movie scenes is from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. In this scene, the city is burning all around because the minister of justice is trying to capture a gypsy woman to burn her at the stake. But the hunchback, who has been held prisoner inside the church his entire life, turns his prison into a safe haven after he swoops down and rescues the innocent woman.

The hunchback stands with the woman held high in his arms over his head. Her limp body drapes over his hands like the shape of a cross, and he yells out with all his might to the crowds below, “Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Sanctuary!”

That’s the kind of passion we should have about making our homes a place of peace and safety—a respite for the weary souls of those who live there and those who visit.

That’s not an easy task in today’s fast-paced society. Many people only come home long enough to sleep, and then they are off again—trying to attend all the meetings and extra-curricular activities every night after working all day. Home is more like a pit stop than a place of rest—run to the bathroom, warm up some cold fried chicken, grab a caffeine-infused drink, and rush off to the next stop.

A place that fosters peace

But home doesn’t have to be that way. Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29).  Even God rested from His work of creation (Genesis 2:3). The day of rest was consecrated, and we were commanded to take a Sabbath. If God rests, how much more should we? Home should be a place that fosters peace, not chaos.

With a little effort, we can make our homes a sanctuary—the place we come to be safe from the world—a place of peace, rest, and safety for you and your spouse and your kids. Here are some ways to create the setting.

1. Fill your home with grace.

Everyone is going to make mistakes. Everyone needs to be treated better than he or she deserves. Let home be the place where you seek out the good in others. Psalm 34:14 says, “. . . Seek peace and pursue it.” Look for ways peace and grace can abound.

Work out problems that linger, and learn to let little things go. Yes, there are going to be punishments and discipline, but let the tone of your home be love first. Let it exude forgiveness, kindness, and mercy.

2. Filter what messages come into your home.

What do your children watch on television? How are the attitudes of the characters they admire? What do your children see on their computers? Do you know what kinds of kids do they associate with at school? These are the kinds of influences that can change the attitude of your family members. You can’t eliminate every bad influence, but you can keep aware and identify the problem areas.

For example, one of my children was having outbursts of anger. I started evaluating his influences, and it became clear that every time he was allowed to play video games on the smart phone, he was markedly more irritated and aggressive. There was nothing wrong with his video games. They weren’t violent or inappropriate in any way, but for his personality type, the games made him irritable.

So they had to go. After just a few days, he was like a new child. I’ve taken the games away permanently so that our family, including my son, can be at peace.

3. Don’t overload your schedule.

More and more studies are coming out about how busyness actually harms kids. They need time just to be kids—to build forts in the backyard, draw and create, and use their imaginations. Those things are much more important than being on sports teams all year long or signing up for every available church activity.

There’s nothing wrong with participating in local activities from time to time, but it shouldn’t be a way of life. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” I’m not sure what causes the pressure that insists “good parents put their kids in as many activities as possible,” but that simply isn’t true.

Your kids need down time at home. I’m amazed at how much my kids want to be at home. They prefer to eat at home, play at home, and relax at home. When we have a free Saturday, I’m ready to go somewhere, but the kids want to do nothing but enjoy being at home.

4. Emphasize prayer and give permission to talk about fears and anxieties.

Sometimes the battle in your home can be in the hearts of its occupants. Internal strife can affect the entire household, and conversely, when kids and spouses feel the freedom to communicate their hurts and fears, they are set free. They know someone cares; someone is willing to shoulder their burdens and be there for them.

And those burdens should also be taken to the Lord. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Through prayer, your kids will know how they can live in peace even in the midst of turmoil.

In my house, I spend time with the little ones every night and ask them to tell me their best and worst parts of the day. Then I ask them if there’s anything they need to talk about. Sometimes I know they’ve had a bad day, and I ask about the situations specifically, even the hard questions. Then we pray about it. The kids have learned where to go with their troubled hearts, even when Mom can’t fix it.

Don’t make it complicated

Making your home a sanctuary shouldn’t be complicated. It doesn’t take special Bible studies, highlighters, group activities, or calendars. Throw away all the thoughts in your head that say, Good parents take their kids to . . . or My neighbor’s kids are so cultured. Maybe I should . . .

Your kids do have needs, but they look more like this: grace, unplanned time, space to grow, guidance, and unconditional love. It’s not complicated, but in this world, it’s also not easy. Let me challenge you to make your home a place of peace—a sanctuary. Then make time to enjoy that safe space with your family and friends.